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#1679152 - 12/22/08 06:29 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: sandi2]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Thank you Sandi - I know I need to post more... I was very active on another site - but most there were burned bad and often give a 2x4 in the face for tough love advice. I like this site more as it is comforting with a touch of hope... my hope is nearly disappeared... but the GALing helps me move forward with my own life. I would like to understand WAW better - but I have learned a lot about my WAW - the greener pastures, the taking me for everything she could, etc. She has moved on with her life and has a BF (likely has the affair before the legal separation or the reason for it). I just do not know if after she gets burned enough be the jerks out there, she'll someday realize that while I wasn't everything - I was honerable and respectible. (Well - some of that has been defeated in my attempts to show her how much she has lowered her moral standards and will be hurting our daughter in the long run). I would like to get to know more people here. I have to post more - but I have to do it afterhours when I do not have my daughter... I was adddicted on the other site and was getting close to losing my job.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1679159 - 12/22/08 06:39 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Ready2Change - I have spent the last 6 months doing exactly that... think if doing something is the best thing for my daughter. But I have had a few backslides. Back in Early Nov when I learned my W had a BF. And then again last week when my daughter told me the BF was sleeping over.

Now I am so angry that my W, her Bf and my D3 will be spending a Merry Christmas together, while I am kicked to the curb. She bought a house with the money I gave her in settlement, she pays a large portion of her household expenses with the CS I give her... Now she so easily starts a new life and a new family with this Guy...

I feel so used and taken advantage of - especially now with Christmas.

But I did fight hard in my legal separation for joint physical and legal custody.... and nearly 50/50 parenting time.


Jeff - I hear your point. I should not be dating, or dating just because she is. But it's hard... I am so lonely. I live in a 3,100 sq ft house, with the temp around 60, 50 at night, with all of the lights off - all to save money, because so much goes to her that I am negative $1,000 per mo in cash flow since my 10% pay cut. But it makes no financial sense to sell the house now. I expect my pay to return in a year.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1679621 - 12/23/08 11:08 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
SD....you are consumed with anger and understandibly. You need to vent it, here, and start to do what you SHOULD BE DOING....moving on.

None of us like that thought.

None of us enjoy the pain.

None of us find it easy to let go of what 'we used to have'

But you cannot become codependent and hold onto something that is destroying you.

The BF pushed her attraction buttons. What are YOU doing to exceed HIS? Would you want to be with YOU right now if you were HER? I say this NOT to give hope for getting her back but for YOU to see what someone ELSE sees from the outside.

Do you look strong, confidant, leading and enjoying life?

Or...well, ..enuf....

My recommendations? Again...

1) Let go. Grieve the loss of your M. There won't be much left of you if you don't and continue on this path

2) Become more assertive. IF YOUR DAUGHTER IS SEEING YOUR W SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN THEN IT IS YOUR REPSONSIBILITY AS HER FATHER TO INTERVENE NOW!!!!!!. Get the N.U.T.S. book. Men intervene and make decisions for the well-being and safety of their children.

3) If your daughter can describe a BF sleeping with your W, then THAT is destructive and personally, I would have made an immediate move to the/a law guardian to have this terminated. You CAN'T stop your W from sleeping with dorkelhoses but you CAN get a court-order that it NOT happen with your D in the house. Get going on this.

I'm sorry SD....I know you now and I care about your sitch. Look at Jeff's post. STOP THIS now. You really need to make a dramatic change in yourself and move forward.

FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1679648 - 12/23/08 11:37 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Faith - I was assertive and expressed my anger with W for sleeping with BF when D3 is with her. W realized her mistakes and put a stop to it - so she says.

As far as letting go... oops - to late. I have been wanting to do this for the past 11 months. It has been eating at me that her family does not know my viewpoint on this divorce.

MY W will be so livid with me that I contacted her family - But I finally felt I has to let them know that I do not think this is right.

I'll post my e-mail to her family in a new reply.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1679654 - 12/23/08 11:42 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York

I have been holding back for the past 11 months on my desire to express my feelings to my W's side of the family - as my W told me never to contact them, I didn't. But I continue to feel Not letting them know my feelings - that I do not want this divorce, I love my wife, I love my daughter - I am doing everything I can to save my marriage.

I do not want them to think and I do not want my daughter to ever think that I didn't do what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do - save the marriage.

I thus finally did it... I sent this email to everyone on her side of the family.


"All -

I want you all to know I have never wanted and will never want this divorce to happen - In spite of all of the hardships, I have continued to do everything possible to save my marriage with Michelle. I completely understand why Michelle feels this is her only choice - why we may have needed time apart - It gave me time to reflect on what was going wrong in our marriage and where I was wrong in my priorities. I have repeatedly told Michelle I am willing to do what ever it takes for her to be happy within our family, but I will never agree with that a divorce when we have a Brooke together is the right thing to do.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life - I lost 35 lbs through anguish in February alone, and nearly lost my job -trying to save my family. But perseverance breeds character.

Our marriage began to fall apart when both Michelle and I got caught up in the stresses and frustrations of other aspects of our lives and neglected the emotional, physical and spiritual needs of each other. I believe in my heart that my enduring love for Michelle can prevail - given time.

I have forgiven Michelle through prayer to God, and I hope Michelle can forgive me for not being the best Husband to her - I love her so much and can be the man she married and be a loving husband and father - all that she expects from a man.

I made a commitment to Michelle and to God with all of you as my witnesses that I would love, honor and cherish Michelle till death do us part. I have and will continue to maintain this commitment. I do and have always loved Michelle with all of my heart and to the best of my ability. Most couples go through hard times and we are no exception. We all have our struggles, things do not always work out as planned. But if both people are willing and put their heart and soul into it, they can work through their troubles.

I have tried to give Michelle everything she wanted during our marriage and continue to give her everything she wants throughout our divorce.
I have struggled through the last 11 months trying to show Michelle my love, my desire to work on our problems, and my ability and desire to make the changes in myself in order to make our marriage work.

I have been sole searching every single day in this process.

To no avail. Michelle has never looked back or had second thoughts. She is totally convinced that we are not meant to be together. I disagree and view that line of thinking as the easy easy out. And I believe that all relationships will fail if they can't work through hard times which come with every relationship. Yet Michelle continues to plow forward with her life in search of greener pastures - and potentially to start a new family - and in doing so continues to grow further and further apart.

Most say that I should give up.

But we have Brooke together - and I have made a commitment to be the best father possible to her. I love Brooke with all of my heart as well, and I would do anything for her. Including doing everything possible to allow her parents so stay together and so she can grow up in a traditional family - one that can be stable, loving, and right.

I had believed Michelle when she told me "If you love someone, you need to let them go - they may just come back to you". I therefore, signed the 12 months legal separation. I was hoping that Michelle would learn that being a single parent and having all of your independence is not all it is cracked up to be - - and hoping that in time Michelle would change her mind. I overwhelmingly feel that passing our daughter back and forth everyday for the next 15 years is not right. A much better solution is to solve our own problems through reconciliation and marriage counseling. So far I have failed to have any influence upon Michelle - and the decisions that she is making - I am learning from Brooke the impact this is having on Brooke's life.

I do not want to look back on this time in 5 or 10 or 20 years and realize that I did not do everything possible to save our marriage. I do not want to tell Brooke when she is older that she lives in a broken home because I gave up fighting for what I feel is right.

I thought it was of utmost importance for you to know my point of view. I will continue to love Michelle and maintain a thread of hope that a reconciliation is possible. Whether or not a reconciliation can be accomplished, I want you to be rest assured that I will continue to do everything possible to be the best loving father a man can be toward Brooke.

I wanted you all to know that I love you and I want to wish you a Happy Holidays.

Sincerely, Jim"


I do not expect anything will change... But I know I feel better knowing I did what I feel is right and just.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1679699 - 12/23/08 12:38 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{SD}} You may be surprised at their response, it was a very heartfelt letter and, if that was my daughter, I would be thrilled to know someone loved her enough like that..

On the other hand, you may NOT get a response, but that's okay too..you did what you felt you had to, it may mean nothing or something..but if you did it for YOU..then good for YOU!!

I do hope and pray that you can let the pain go, not for your wife's sake, but for YOURS..or else the pain and anguish and angry will eat you up, and I'd hate to see that happen to someone like yourself \:\)

Hugs to YOU!

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1679715 - 12/23/08 12:52 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Tawnya]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Thanks Tawnya - I needed that support.

I expected my W to be spiteful that I contacted her family with my feelings - She forwarded my e-mail on to my Boss telling him that I am harrassing her and her family and asked me to stop.

Then my Boss calls me in and scolds/warns me not to do it again.

I hate when doing what I think is right and just, it just backfires in a double wammy.

I am not sure W even read it... I hope her family does.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1679731 - 12/23/08 01:10 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
SD..it was a beautiful letter, well written, powerful...but it is still begging and pursuit.

Results?

An angry wife who reported you to your boss.

Can't you see that this is the only possible outcome?

What can her family do?

Do they control her?

Do you?

You need to stop this..you keep shooting yourself in the foot and can't see it.

The sentiments you expressed in your letter...are deep..and personal...and your conviction to stand for your M should stay where it should..in your heart and your one on one exposure to G-d.

Stop forcing yourself on her...and her family..it is pressure and pursuit and usually fails miserably.

FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1679753 - 12/23/08 01:25 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Faith - I agree wholeheartedly that her first reaction would be anger and hatred. I do not know that would be the case years from now.

Except the week after the bomb, I have never contacted her family to let them know how I really felt. I thought it of utmost importance for them to know that it is not me wanting the divorce and that they know I did everything I could to save the marriage.

I want my daughter to know that as well.

And I want to know in my heart that I did everything I could.

I have held my thoughts inside me (and with my W) for the past 11 months - I felt the need to express my deep feelings to her family.

Now that I have, I am comforted. I am relieved. I can rest. Knowing they know my truth.

I will still keep a thread of hope alive in me for months to come (until the D is final)... but now I can go back to BDing and GALing.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1680012 - 12/23/08 07:56 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
SD...I understand...as long as you realize that there are TWO people here. To her, this was "I'm telling on you".

There are many other ways to do this. This comes across as going behind her back and making HER look like the bad guy when SHE doesn't view it that way. I'm not saying that I support her in any way. I'm just saying that the way you are going about this can be better. Honestly, that letter would have pissed me off too. It's a holier than thou thing.
You know SD, I'm not a super religious person but I believe in G-d and I'm spiritual within. I don't write this line often but you really need to back off your W and let it be handled by G-d.

Stop the emails.

Stop the in-law stuff.

Define your boundaries with W but stop the M talk.

You MUST see that it has continually pushed her farther away.

If you really want to stand for your M....backoff...let her go...pray...move on and make changes...and hope that time and missing you will bring her back.

It won't happen the way you are doing it.

Strength and honor.
FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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