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#1678270 - 12/21/08 02:40 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Journaling

I decided that I want to compile a list of behaviors/statements I saw yesterday, while they are fresh in my mind, that indicate MLC. The reason I want to do this is that when I am with H, I lose sight of the fact that he is going through something. And since he was so much less guarded yesterday, it makes it even harder to remember that he is going through something.

H said that the music he is writing at the moment is much edgier and more hard rock with distorted guitars and synthesizers. He disparaged the sort of music he had been making for the last few years. He is revisiting the music/influences of his youth.

H said he does not think is the marriage kind. He said he was happy being a family guy for years but now realizes that he probably just should not be married because he is too independent and needs a lot of solitude.

He likes being alone for weeks at a time. He said he only sees his friends every three weeks or so, otherwise he is alone.

He does not think he is the sort of person who will ever be happy. He said his dad is not really a happy guy so that's probably where he gets it. He used to say he was nothing like his dad, that he is a basically happy guy who got that from his mother.

Something about his demeanor is just off - he is not as I have known him. I cannot really describe it other than that.

Just some thoughts for myself to review when I am in need.


Edited by Bettou (12/21/08 02:42 PM)
_________________________
VV:41

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#1678301 - 12/21/08 03:42 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
techguy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 513
Loc: Midwest
Hi Beth,

I think lovehimso had a really excellent post to you. It echoed many things that I would have said.

So here is the thing I would like to add beyond what has been said in all the excellent posts:

The most important thing from the interaction was nothing your husband said or did. Rather, it is the way you 'performed' (to use an athletic term). You've been training for months... and you were well prepared.

Just think back five months ago: Imagine husband telling you he is not a marriage sort of guy and is enjoying the solitude of a single life. Wow... the untrained Beth would have melted down. Game over.

But the new Beth persevered. You accepted his comments and kept your composure. Then you formulated a response strategy (based on your gut) and turned the rest of the conversation into a positive.

Bravo! Congratulate yourself and celebrate your personal victory!

_________________________
My thread, Carpe Diem #4
Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1

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#1678302 - 12/21/08 03:42 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
techguy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 513
Loc: Midwest
Accidental double post. Grrrr.


Edited by techguy (12/21/08 03:43 PM)
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My thread, Carpe Diem #4
Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1

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#1678371 - 12/21/08 07:31 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: techguy]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Techguy,

Thanks. A bravo from you always makes me feel good. You call me on my crap and hold me accountable, so if you say I did a good job, then I believe it.

Now I have my inner battle raging. I am fighting to keep myself in the moment, in the present. That brain of mine is always going to the future and the what ifs...
_________________________
VV:41

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#1678399 - 12/21/08 08:32 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
breakaway Offline
Member

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 1464
Originally Posted By: Bettou


Something about his demeanor is just off - he is not as I have known him. I cannot really describe it other than that.

Just some thoughts for myself to review when I am in need.


Well, it sounds like depression. I'd guess it's more that than a MLC. Especially when he includes comments like not even engaging with friends.
_________________________
Me-42,H-41,M-14
S-12,9


Previous thread

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#1678414 - 12/21/08 08:56 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
Silent Chrleader Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/08
Posts: 1125
Loc: WA
Originally Posted By: Bettou
Now I have my inner battle raging. I am fighting to keep myself in the moment, in the present. That brain of mine is always going to the future and the what ifs...


This is what I call "future f**king"....... and I am a master at it!!!! ;\)
_________________________
TJ

Me45,H49
D24,S18
M26,T28
Bomb 3/19/08
Sep 6/23/08
EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8
3/2009 H moved in w/OW2
7/2009 Let him go w/Love.
8/2009 Legally Sep'd

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#1678421 - 12/21/08 09:18 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: breakaway]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Breakaway,

Oh, he is definitely depressed, he has all the symptoms. I think he is in the depression/withdrawal stage of MLC. When he says things like he does not want to see my brother, a good friend of his, because he is too far gone or that he does not see a light at the end of the tunnel, added to his anger, irritability, inability to sleep, weight loss the list goes on.

From what I have read here and in books, depression often goes hand-in-hand with MLC. It is just odd that he has periods of time like yesterday where he can be almost his old sweet self but not quite. There is a distance, but it is definitely not personal.

I am pretty sure he has the walls up for everyone. My guess is that I am the only one who gets in, very occasionally.

I have been thinking a lot today about how I have to accept that he has to find his own way through this. But that is so hard to accept, you know? I just want to fix it and I cannot.
_________________________
VV:41

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#1678425 - 12/21/08 09:23 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: Silent Chrleader]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Silent Cheerleader,

I like that phrase. I will try to think of it when I engage in that fruitless activity.

AnotherNightmare reminded me in a post on his thread that it is so important to just be happy with what we have in the moment. Just ten days ago, I would never have guessed H would kiss me. But rather than be happy it happened, I start picking it apart, thinking, maybe he did that because he felt sorry for me among other stupid things.

Rather than try to figure out why he did it, I should just be happy that he did. And happy that he will see me on Christmas day. He turned me down cold when I had asked about Thanksgiving, so this is an improvement. I need to stay focused on that rather than looking ahead to think, I bet I won't see him on New Years. What a waste of my energy and it is so counter-productive.

But, knowing all of this and putting it into practice each lonely day that I miss my H are two different things.

I have to just keep moving forward.
_________________________
VV:41

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#1678431 - 12/21/08 09:44 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
Silent Chrleader Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/08
Posts: 1125
Loc: WA
You and me both, Beth!!

Right now I am just trying to take a little comfort in the fact that H told me he is not in a hurry to legally divorce, and he has no plans to pursue any relationships right now. For the next couple months, H will be working on the house getting it ready for sale, so he won't have time to do anything else. But hopefully it will give him time to think. So, it ain't over yet.

I am going to try to enjoy my new start in my own place (I've never had that since I have been with H since I was 17!). I am going to concentrate on what makes me happy and just let go of H and his issues. Or at least I am going to try!

What is meant to be will be. I will live the moment! [That is a real challenge for us analyzer, fixer types!!! ;\) ]

Take care, ((((((Beth)))))).
_________________________
TJ

Me45,H49
D24,S18
M26,T28
Bomb 3/19/08
Sep 6/23/08
EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8
3/2009 H moved in w/OW2
7/2009 Let him go w/Love.
8/2009 Legally Sep'd

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#1678489 - 12/21/08 11:36 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: Silent Chrleader]
JWM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/08
Posts: 743
Beth, you have defiantly seen some improvement. Enjoy what you have and don't over analyze what he said. Try not to go to the future. All we have is today.

I'm feeling the same way. My W and I are getting along OK...she is still in the house and we are spending our days together. I'm still with my D7 all day and that is good. I need to be thankful of that. Thinking of what might be or wishing things will change is hard.
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John
Me 56 W 46 D7
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