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#1679751 - 12/23/08 06:25 PM Re: My Story [Re: Amy M]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
(((Amy))), {{{Tawnya}}},
If you note, I even customized your hugs above. I'm pre-loading this box with hugs because I need some advice. Sort of am not sure what to do at this point. Maybe I need to re-read DR book.

W started "dating" OM about 3 weeks ago. She said it is just friends, and they are going slow - even said all they've done is hold hands. Not sure if I believe, but oh well. I'm proud - I have not asked a SINGLE thing, she has offered - which is sort of weird in itself. Usually don't people try to hide OM/OW?

Anyway, I have gone dim - basically am not calling/talking in anyway. If she calls to talk to kids, I hand them the phone, and I don't take it back. She started texting me about being sick this weekend, and putting plastic on her windows because it was drafty and cold. So, I asked if she needed anything, and asked if windows were double-paned.

Then I didn't say anything else. Is that an appropriate response in light of OM? I know you can't work on your own R if OM is involved, so now what? I'll admit - I'm Mr. Fixit, but I'm a bit confounded now! In my 2.5 years, have not dealt with OM. Also, it is a weird thing - not really a romantic relationship, even though she has brought him to meet kids.

I'm continuing the going dim - I know that she'll either move on with dork, or miss me. But what are good tactics? \:\)
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#1679760 - 12/23/08 06:35 PM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
I think going dim is more for you than W. Protects you from saying anything hurtful that you can't take back later. Keeeps you from learning more than you want to know.

Nothing you can do. W will do as she pleases. Saying anything is controlling.

Yet - I can't stop. Everytime I learn more about OM from my D3 - I get more needy and R talk. Admittedly I am a failure at this.

Most important is to do what you feel is right and protect your kids - that way you can sleep at night.

If there is any contact with W - it needs to be as pleasant as possible - but I also think you can't merely approve of what she is doing and go along with it.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1679824 - 12/23/08 08:11 PM Re: My Story [Re: SingleDad]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
I think going dim helps with W too - it can trigger curiosity, make a point that you can live without them, and "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I believe the separation time can help them reflect on positive things as well. I think the hard part is being patient - they will need to go through a period of time where they are relieved to be alone. This, for me, is the hardest part. Also, I have had at least three counselors tell me that W will have to go through a relationship, maybe two, before she will have any concept of what we had.

So, lucky me, just sit back and wait! \:\)

My thought to you - don't even TALK about OM with D3. If my kids bring OM up, I just nicely switch the subject. What's the point in knowing anything? If it negative, I would just torture myself with it. Unless kids are reporting something bad, I just change subject, and make it into something fun.

I've made it abundantly clear to W that divorce is wrong, she is hurting kids, and having a relationship is an affair. Even if it is just "friends" if there is a romantic tilt, then no way.

So, I've filed divorce, cut off contact, and when we do talk, I'm pleasant but very distant.
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#1679837 - 12/23/08 08:29 PM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
JonF - the sitting back and waiting through the affairs is the hardest part. I think W has been with this OM since before the bomb was dropped nearly a year ago. I do not think W will ever see any concept of what she has lost. Maybe we didn't have a great marriage, but it was steady and reliable.

I did not bring up OM with D3. D3 mentioned something about "Buddy" (thinking it was someone at school) and she replied "Buddy is mommy's friend who she sleeps with" - I was furiuos for the past week trying to convince my W that I should not be learning such events from my D3 and that my W's morals have become nill and bad influence on my D3. I have expresssed my anger toward W over this issue and impact on D3.

As far as going dim. I agree with you depending on the situation. If W is not seeing anyone else then I agree with you. But If they are serious with OM, then going dim makes it eaiser to continue the affair without any guilt and without any interference - thinking that if it doesn't bother you, all the better. My W even wants me to date others so I can be happy too - and thus also leave her alone. It's just not right.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1679851 - 12/23/08 08:51 PM Re: My Story [Re: SingleDad]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
I apologize, I didn't mean to say you were bringing up subject with D3 - just think it's better to ignore. I know for certain W is not sleeping with OM, and it still bothers me, because my kids now have that confusion, etc, in their lives. W gets furious because I tell kids D is wrong, being with someone else while married is wrong, etc. Probably a little harder to reason with 3yo.

Here's the way I look at it - if the choice is to pester, and point out how wrong W is, or go dim, I KNOW for CERTAIN pestering isn't going to accomplish anything. If W has any morals or feelings left, then the going dim is the only thing that will accomplish that. If she takes going dim as an approval of what she's doing, then she is warped, and justifying things to make her behavior OK.

My point is that W is going to do what she wants - if I continue to pester, she'll do it all the more thinking that I'm trying to control her. I have clearly stated my opinion on affairs - she knows how I feel. I have clearly stated my opinion on marriage - she also knows how I feel.

I have ALWAYS been there for her previously, and now I have told her that if she is with OM, regardless of the nature of the relationship, we cannot have any discussions about anything. I'm being pleasant, and have completely dropped all communication with her. I'm in for the long haul, divorce isn't quick!

P.S. In my state, you can actually file in court to have W barred from having any overnight visitors until D is final. Didn't know your marital status?
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#1679854 - 12/23/08 08:54 PM Re: My Story [Re: SingleDad]
marriedCrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 2105
Originally Posted By: SingleDad
As far as going dim. I agree with you depending on the situation. If W is not seeing anyone else then I agree with you. But If they are serious with OM, then going dim makes it eaiser to continue the affair without any guilt and without any interference - thinking that if it doesn't bother you, all the better. My W even wants me to date others so I can be happy too - and thus also leave her alone. It's just not right.



Even if you AREN'T ok with the affair, I believe being dark or dim helps with detachment. Detachment gives you the ability to work on making yourself stronger. I found in the early stages of my sitch; once I went dark and dropped the rope, I was able to concentrate on making ME happy. The W certainly wasn't concerned with it, whether I talked to her or not. SD, my W also wanted me to date. This is to help free her of the guilt she has for what she's doing. Plus I also believe it legitmatized what she's doing by bringing me down to her level. I've never chosen to date. I'm not prepared to take her back either; just waiting out the process.

For me going dim has saved me even though I disapprove of her actions. We only talk in the terms of finances, kids, and the associated logistics of each.
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#1679886 - 12/23/08 09:20 PM Re: My Story [Re: marriedCrazy]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
Hahhahaha, completely random selfish evil thought! I just thought about what I'd said. W told me she is putting plastic over her cheapy apartment windows because they are drafty, and I'm having someone come put in a new tile floor in my kitchen! Muahaha, man, my PMA is through the roof, people!
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#1680010 - 12/24/08 12:52 AM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
I'm the posting king today!

I'm very proud that I'm actually going to vent/journal on here, and I'm taking it from an email I was going to send to W. I did not send it. I rationalized it by saying it was about kids, but it's not - my point was to show her how awful she is and what she is doing to kids.

I am worried about D8.

She has said some strange things.... She said last week: "I just want my Mom and Dad back" and cried very hard. Last few days she was super snuggly, very loving, reading with me, we talked many times for a long time just about nothing - books, Barbies, roller skating, when I was a kid. Literally hours of time, lots of snuggling, hugging, very loving - it was awesome!

Then the last couple of days, after we got home, she got really weird - very standoffish. She said she was going to tell W I said she was "kookoo". This is completely and categorically untrue, but W WOULD go kookoo if she heard that.

I told D8 I believe that divorce is wrong because two people promise each other and God to be with each other forever, even if there are problems. I also told her that I believe that it is wrong to have a relationship with another person - that should be what the mommy and daddy do together. I also told her that "I love Mommy dearly" and I think she is a "wonderful person" - I told her that W obviously felt differently and that was OK - it didn't mean that W was a bad person.

W will hate that, but I have to raise my kids the way I believe God wants me to - and I need stand up for me, and what I believe is right.
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#1680094 - 12/24/08 03:22 AM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{Jon}} Sweet I get a customized hug..I do feel special..thank you very much \:\)

I do have to say I agree with you and with MC about the detachment, I had not really had the opportunity to detach very much with hub still at home until this past week, since he was gone from Thurs night until tonight..and I do have to say that it was interestingly not as "freaky" as I thought..and, like I said on my thread, I dunno that I was totally looking forward to him being back and us going back to the "same crap different day" routine..so I have to say that I had a good weekend with the kids and with Amy and SMW (except for the feeling like total crap LOL)..

I told my son and my daughter pretty much exactly what you said to your kids..I am sad that your daughter is having a "weird time", and I wish I knew how to help with that..I'm sure that Amy and some others with younger kids will know what to do/watch for, say to help \:\) I think, in the end, just YOU being you will help more than anything!

By the way here is your posting king crown :::passing the crown:::

Tawnya


Edited by Tawnya (12/24/08 03:23 AM)
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
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#1680129 - 12/24/08 04:08 AM Re: My Story [Re: Tawnya]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
Hah, glad you made it, I'll get the juicy details on your thread.

Glad to hear I was close with what I told the kids, of course, W is furious, and says it was "creepy", but tough patooties, honey, get used to it...

Well, I will probably get kicked off of here for flooding the servers, but I had another awesome thought.

Boy, this going dim thing must be really clearing my head!

D8 was telling me how W was frantically looking for a potato peeler last week, because she was making dinner for OM for first time, and was making mashed potatos. Anyway, tonight, D8 and I made REAL mashed potatoes together! Literally mashed because W took our mixer when she left. D8 peeled, I diced, and cooked, and D8 mashed them (with help from me).

What is funny, and even better because I realized this in hindsight - W makes INSTANT mashed potatoes for kids - but goes out of her way to make REAL mashed potatoes for OM.

I guess that kind of shows where priorities are, eh? Not a bash session, just a realization moment.

My PMA continues to sky-rocket, even after I just mopped on hands and knees (stupid Pergo doesn't look right unless you Windex it). \:\)
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