Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 15 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 14 15
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 2,556
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 2,556
{{{Beth}}} My dear friend..of course we are "instant mashed potatoes" women and our time in this "race" definitely feels like forever doesn't it?? I totally know that this step SHOULD feel like a monster step, but you need to see it as a baby step only, no more, no less..which you KNOW..but knowing and feeling are 2 totally different things aren't they??

I will try to check on you tomorrow and see how it goes..my advice is to just BREATHE...and breathe some more..talk yourself thru the "what ifs"..and YOU will come thru with shining colors my friend!

Tawnya


Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four


Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 537
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 537
Originally Posted By: Bettou
When I am honest, I can see that all the fear and crying comes from my wanting him to want to come home and desperately trying to figure out how to make that happen tomorrow. It will not happen tomorrow.

The best I can do tomorrow is make him want to see me again.


Started checking out your thread! \:\)
Keep your thoughts above! Those are what will keep your expectations in check and make the most of the meeting! If you make him feel like he can emotionally connect to you and just be himself (even in his current state you let him be himself around you), then he WILL want to see you again because you are providing him with a safe environment where he can express himself. And I think that is what most WAS's miss.

You'll do great!


Me:37/W:38
T11/M8
S12 S4 S4
Bomb 10/07
Sep 7/08-

1st Thread
2nd Thread
Current Thread
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 513
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 513
Hey Beth,

What else are you doing tommorrow? Especially after your meeting with husband.

If I know you, you will not have anything planned. You'll end up at home afterward all alone. No matter how well it goes, you will over analyse it to death and end up crying.

Can you do me a favor and plan something? Anything?

You have so much to be thankfull for. And there will be more to be thankful for after your meeting with H. I guarantee it. Plan something to maintain PMA and not diminish tommorrow's small victory!

I'll be checking on you tommorrow and I'll have to be cross with you if you end up at home alone! COG isn't around, so I have to do his job in his absence.


My thread, Carpe Diem #4
Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 100
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 100
Beth
Good luck today. I am excited for you. No matter what have fun then go do something for Beth after. If that means you need to run and run and run do it.
Wishing for the best today.
B

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,425
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,425
Hi Beth:
Thinking of you today - and hoping that you find your way through the questions in you.
Hugs,
Carlos


Me:39
S3,S13

"We consent to live like sheep." W.H. Auden

On my own
Separation #4
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,485
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,485
I am back and I am overwhelmed. I have not had any time to process so this may be fairly "stream of consciousness" writing.

WOW! I just took off my wedding rings and this is a really good thing.

Here is what happened:

After about 20 minutes of talking about work, I asked H how he is doing, saying that he did not sound very well in his email. He said he is struggling to find himself and his identity. He likened himself to the character in Steppenwolf who vascillates between wanting to be alone and wanting human connection. He said he likes his solitude right now, alot. He said he does not know how to ask a significant other to accept him for who he is, as someone who swings back and forth like a pendulum needing connection and independence.

I listened and then talked about me and what I have learned about myself in the last four nmonths. I talked about how I have learned that I like being independent and self-sufficient. That I recognize and embrace that it is my responsibility to make myself happy. That all a person "needs" is air, food and water and everything beond that is a want. I told him that there is nothing wrong with being who he is. I told him he should just ask a significant other to accept that and give her the choice.

He then started a R conversation saying he does not think he is a "marriage" kind of guy.

I asked him if I could talk about some of the issues he raised. I said that I think his pendulum swinging was to be expected and that he is probably just trying to find equilibrium. I told I think that my overwhelming neediness in the last few years contributed significantly to his current swing towards solitude. It prevented him from feeling any independence at all. I think that his extreme need seems like a bit of a rubberband-like snapping in the opposite direction and that once he has some time to relax (work is insane) he'll settle in the middle between complete isolation and needing to connect. He agreed.

I then broke almost every DB rule in the book on gut instinct. I told him that he is someone I want to have in my life. He is still my best friend and the most interesting and intriguing person I know. I told him that I have come to realize that I accept him for who he is and would like to have him in my life as he is.

I then said I think where we went wrong was in living life under lables. Acting like the traditional "husband" and "wife" and that that, more than any one thing, got us into trouble. I reminded him that when we were first dating and things started to get serious, he said, "let's not call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend." When I asked him why he said that because if we did that, we would let the traditional definition of those labels define us, rather than letting ourselves define the roles. I agreed with him all those years ago and we never looked back. Things were great, we fell in love, we were monogomous. He just does not like to be labeled.

He agreed with my assessment. He then said I seemed very open to things. He asked what I had done to get here. I said that among other things like lots of reading and social activities, I had healed. He seemed to like that.

He said that he still has feelings for me, that he cares for me a lot. He said that I am still for him, man or woman, one of the most amazing people he knows. He asked me if I would be so calm "if he put us through a formal divorce."

I said I will be sad, but less sad if we are still in some sort of relationship. I said I would like to explore what we feel for each other without labels or expectations. I said maybe we will end up in a better relationship than we ever had if we just stop living life as labels. He said he agreed and that he certainly could not say that would not happen. He also agreed to spend time together to explore our feelings. Then he said he was not sure that would include intimacy because he has no desire for intimacy, from me or anyone else.

I said that is exactly the kind of hnoest I am talking about. He tells me how he feels and I can decide how I want to react. I told him I have no problem with his lack of desire for intimacy.

I said that certain things about me would not change, that I was not someone who could be in an intimate relationship with a person who was intimate with another. But where I had changed was in my crushing need for him to assure me right this moment that he would not ever meet someone else. I no longer need him to promise me he will never want to be with someone else.

He said that he does not think he is the sort of person who could be intimate with more than one person either and thinks it is wrong to try. He said it is just a matter of honesty. I said that is all I am talking about. Be honest with each other so the other can decide what he/she wants to do.

I wish I could remeber how it all went and everything that was said but here is the rest as best as I can remember:

When he was talking about his feelings for me and I for him, I said I was sick of being afraid to hug him when I wanted or kiss him when I wanted. He said his concern about kissing was that it would lead back to labels. I said not if we are of the same mind that a hug or a kiss is just something one person feels like doing at the moment. I also said I respected his feelings but that since I had no intimacy issues, if he ever feels like kissing me, he can. He chuckled.

I said I could see us getting a divorce and then getting a cake to celebrate the death of the labels and the beginnignof the best relationship we ever had. He agreed saying that was "so us."

More DB rulebreaking: I asked him to see a movie with me Christmas day and he said that sounded like fun.

As it was time to leave, he wanted to play me his latest song. As we walked to our cars, I said I had an idea but he was free to tell me it was too much too soon. I asked him to join me in Tango lessons. He said he would like to do that. We will start taking them after New Years.

So we sat in his car listening to his song. It was beautiful and I told him so. He got out of the car to hug me. It was a tight, close great hug and I said how good it felt. Then as I was pulling away from him, he kissed me on the mouth. It was just a peck, but it was the best peck ever.

This is easily the longest post of my tenure. I am sorry for that. Please feel free to share your thoughts with me. As always, they will be very much appreciated.

I have no idea where we go from here, but I am feeling good.

Beth


VV:41
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 2,556
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 2,556
Wow {{{Beth}}} It sounds like an incredible day and to just keep taking it one day at a time..it sounded like you did a good job of helping him to be open and honest and you were also..

That is a great convo that I pray someday I will have one as open, unemotional (not that you were unemotional, but not over emotional as I can tend to be LOL), and good with my hub!

I'm glad you posted and glad it went well!

Tawnya


Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four


Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,485
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,485
Tawnya,

Thank you so much for plodding through that very very long post. And thank you for being so supportive.

I am still letting the events sink in and trying to process everything. More thoughts come to me as this happens and I will post them as they come.

After today's conversation it seems to me that H is really having a mid-life identity crisis. He is really struggling to find what makes him happy and whole. I think that is causing some depression but he looked pretty good today. Still very thin but not as bad as I had feared.

I also think he is understandbly skeptical of the "new" me. He is curious about the source of the changes. I know he must have as much to think about as I have.


VV:41
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 238
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 238
Wow Beth! I would be overwhelmed, too! After going SO long with no contact, you finally get an honest, revealing, and what I think was a productive interaction with your H. I'm so glad that it went well, and that you feel good about it!

Quote:
I then broke almost every DB rule in the book on gut instinct. I told him that he is someone I want to have in my life. He is still my best friend and the most interesting and intriguing person I know. I told him that I have come to realize that I accept him for who he is and would like to have him in my life as he is.
It's hard when those instincts kick in, huh? I don't know that you broke the "rules" so much, Beth. I am still quite the "newbie" at this myself, and not a very successful one so far, so maybe a veteran will disagree with me. But I don't see what you said as "pleading" or "begging". I guess it could be construed as "persuing", since from what I can gather, ANY comments about how you feel about your spouse, or your R, can be construed that way. I guess it's all in how the S perceives it. You were just stating how you felt, plain and simple. And as long as you don't do it over and over and over again, to the point where it becomes annoying to your H, I think it is okay to let him know how you feel right now, especially since so much time has passed and you haven't communicated. At least he knows where you stand, and I don't see anything wrong with that. He's free to do with that information what he wants. I didn't see any "pressure" in your comments.

Quote:
He agreed with my assessment. He then said I seemed very open to things. He asked what I had done to get here.
Wow! Seems like he's seeing you in a "new light", and asked you to open up to him about your "journey"! I see this as a very good sign!


Quote:
I said I could see us getting a divorce and then getting a cake to celebrate the death of the labels and the beginnignof the best relationship we ever had. He agreed saying that was "so us."
I find this so brave! I don't know that I could be strong enough to do this! If this is how you truly feel (and I'm guessing it is, because you took your wedding rings off today), then I say, if a D is what you guys need to restore and reestablish your R, and you're both comfortable with it, maybe that's what you need to do! I hate to say that, because a D is what we are all trying to avoid, but really, isn't what we're really all looking for is a solid, strong R? I personally need the "label", but that's just me. It isn't the "traditional" route, but hey, whatever gets the job done, right? \:\)


Quote:
More DB rulebreaking: I asked him to see a movie with me Christmas day and he said that sounded like fun.

Well, he responded positively, so I would just keep that "date" light and fun! No pressure, just two people hanging out together.

Quote:
As we walked to our cars, I said I had an idea but he was free to tell me it was too much too soon. I asked him to join me in Tango lessons. He said he would like to do that. We will start taking them after New Years.
Again, another positive response. If it were me, however, I would do the movie thing, do the dancing lesson thing, and then let him make the next move. Stand back and see if HE startes to pursue YOU. If your dance lessons are weekly, he'll have plenty of opportuniy. I would still play it a little "mysterious"; after the lessons, I would just say "goodbye" and not linger. Again, I'm not great at taking my own advice, and I'm just sort of spitting out what I have heard the guys here say about how to get a man to "notice" you. So, any guys/DB veterans out there, please correct me if I'm giving Beth bad advice!

Quote:
He got out of the car to hug me. It was a tight, close great hug and I said how good it felt. Then as I was pulling away from him, he kissed me on the mouth. It was just a peck, but it was the best peck ever.
How wonderful that must have felt! You told him you would be open to this kind of affection and he responded. Yay!

Quote:
I have no idea where we go from here, but I am feeling good.
I don't think you can know, but someone here on the board always says, "slow and steady". Don't get too excited and start trying to make more and more "dates", since he seems interested right now. You don't want to make him get "cold feet". Follow through with the plans you've already made, try to keep your next meetings light and fun, and watch and see.

I think you are doing SO GREAT Beth! You should feel good! Take some time and let this all sink in. Reflect on it. You have the time, which is nice. As you know, my H is around all the time, and sometimes I feel like I am on a train with no brakes. I don't really have time for my emotions to settle after an interaction with him, and that just sets me up for failure in our next one. You've got a great situation set up right now. You'll see him next week for a movie, then weekly, I assume, after the New Year for dance lessons. Often enough for him to see and feel the changes in you, but far enough apart for some "thinking" time, for both of you. Ideal, I think!

I'm so glad you updated us Beth! Keep letting us know how things are going. Even if I don't post a lot, I always keep up with your sitch.

Have a great "rest" of the weekend!
LHS


Me: 38
H: 41
M: 12
D12, S10
H began EA: 7/08
H moved out: 9/30/08
Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08

My story:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,485
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,485
LHS,

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. You have so much going on and yet took all that time to write to me.

One of the things that has made me feel good is that unnameable (not sure that is a word)feeling. When H started the R talk and as the rest of our time together progressed I felt connected to him again.

He even said he feels like we "got past something" today. I know what he meant though it would be difficult to describe here.

I think it was important for him to feel accepted by me as he is. He told me that he likes living alone right now, that he likes his life that way. I told him that I understand and accept that. I could feel his relief.

And I meant what I told him. If he needs us to get a divorce to move forward together, I am fine with that. But all of that is way down the road.

It is as important as ever for me to stay in the present and keep focused on living the best life I can live.

Of course I am still scared, it is not as though I now think the problems are all over. We have taken another step in a direction I like but there is much more to be done.


VV:41
Page 9 of 15 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 14 15

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard