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#1677174 - 12/19/08 02:27 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
AnotherNightmare Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/08
Posts: 278
Loc: PA
Wow, Beth, you are making giant steps foward. Every time I cannot follow your thread for a day or so, it seems like you have traveled half way to the moon. I feel so happy and excited for you. Now you just have to believe in yourself and that all the work you have done will pay off. Easier said than done? I trust you can do it!

AN
_________________________
M43 W45, M17
S9 D6
Bomb: 11/11/08
EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ?
Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09
Healed, but still heading for D
My situation

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#1677420 - 12/19/08 08:14 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: AnotherNightmare]
JWM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/08
Posts: 743
Beth, I've been out of touch for a bit. How are things going?
_________________________
John
Me 56 W 46 D7
First
Second
Third
last

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#1677436 - 12/19/08 08:31 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: JWM]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Tawnya, Techguy, Smartcookie, Whateverittakes, Another Nightmare and JWM -

Thank you all for checking in with me. I am having a hard time controlling my own anxiety and desires today as my visit with H is looming.

I know four months is not long for a lot of folks around here, but it has felt like ages to me. I KNOW that I am not getting H to come home tomorrow. But what the brain knows and what the heart wants are two very different things.

I am feeling like I cannot do this thing tomorrow. I just want to throw my arms around him and tell him it's enough now. I know I cannot but I am truly emotionally overwhelmed right now.

I will pull it together in time but I just feel very overemotional and I cannot get it out. I am venting here because I cannot leave work to run.

On the one hand, I feel like he has made a step towards me but on the other, I am afraid nothing really has changed and he will shut me out again tomorrow. Just because he realized his source of unhappiness does not mean he will want me back. I am not sure where to find the strength to keep going. But what choice is there. The two alternatives are live my life and follow his time line or move on without him. I do not want either.

I am whining and I know it, I am just feeling weak and overwhelmed. It is so hard to be calm when the person you love tells you he no longer wants to be with you, he is miserable and you are not allowed to tell him how to fix it, he is not wearing the wedding ring and I have to pretend like that does not affect me. I am scared to think that there has been any change for the better but want so desperately for that to be true.

And I am so scared to see his physical appearance. On top of all of that, I have to remember the DB principles and not mess those up. According to my coach and my IC, all of that goes out the window if I think he might be suicidal. I am scared to have that much responsibility all on me. How do I know for sure whether he is or isn't suicidal? I mean, I know the questions to ask but I am no professional. What if I ask him, he is not and he shuts me out again?

Sorry, just a lot of fear and trepidation and I had to get it out.

It kills me to feel this way. This man is the person with whom I have been the most comfortable and felt the most safe and now, I am scared to see him. I just do not know what to do with that.
_________________________
VV:41

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#1677445 - 12/19/08 08:44 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
whateverittakes Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 255
You're in a tough spot that is filled with hope.

It may not be the time to ask questions that you don't think he wants to or can answer. Can you try to focus on what creates safety for him based on acceptance of the fact that he is still in a fog, he probably doesn't know the questions he needs to address let alone the answers. Mirroring, validation and acceptance may be what he needs.

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#1677454 - 12/19/08 08:48 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: whateverittakes]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
WIT

Thank you. I am reminding myself as I type this my only goal tomorrow is to offer support on HIS terms, not mine and make the experience one he would like to repeat.

A friend does not show up to support a friend with an agenda. If I keep it simple and forget about my desires, the fear falls away. The fear is all tied to my not getting what I want. Tomorrow is not about getting what I want. Got to keep the end game in mind.
_________________________
VV:41

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#1677494 - 12/19/08 09:22 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
lovehimso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 238
Hi Beth,

Just doing a fly-by check in here. I know you're feeling anxious about your meeting with your H. I can imagine how you must feel (well, of course I can, you told us!). It may be hard to believe, but I have moments like that with my H, and I see him all the time, as you know.

I think you're on the right track with keeping it about HIM. What he is going through right now is HIS, not yours. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love self-destruct. You just want to make things okay.

I see a lot of "projecting" in your post. I recognize it because I do it all the time! "what ifs" run through my head constantly, and I create more stress and worry for myself than is necessary. I think it is very positive that your H wants to meet with you, so don't put a negative spin on it just yet. You don't know what is going to happen. Take a couple of deep breaths, remember how well you did the last time you met, and be confident. I know you can do this!

Gotta run, but I'll certainly be checking in with you this weekend to see how it goes!

((((Beth))))

LHS
_________________________
Me: 38
H: 41
M: 12
D12, S10
H began EA: 7/08
H moved out: 9/30/08
Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08

My story:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048

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#1677502 - 12/19/08 09:35 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
nw626 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/08
Posts: 498
Beth
Sorry you feel little down today.
I know it is an uneasy feeling because of all the unknown.
make the experience one he would like to repeat.
You are on the right track. The meeting is for his support.
Going in with an open mind and just be there for him.
Just go with the flow, let him set the tone and I know you will be just fine.
You are a strong woman. Let him feed off from your positive energy.
Let go the fear, welcome the unexpected (good or bad). I know you can handle them.

Small realistic goals, small baby steps = successful DBing.

NW626
_________________________
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!

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#1677540 - 12/19/08 10:16 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: nw626]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
LHS and NW626,

Thank you both for the support. I have got to stop wanting it all to end tomorrow. It will not. That is where I go astray.

You are both right, tomorrow is about supporting him. Receiving support when we are down feels good. We want more of what feels good. No pushing my agenda. No agenda.

When I am honest, I can see that all the fear and crying comes from my wanting him to want to come home and desperately trying to figure out how to make that happen tomorrow. It will not happen tomorrow.

The best I can do tomorrow is make him want to see me again.

It is so incredibly hard to slow myself down.

Thank you for trying to help me.

Beth
_________________________
VV:41

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#1677643 - 12/20/08 02:20 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
JWM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/08
Posts: 743
Beth, as we all tell each other...stay in the present. All you need to do is validate and take things slow.

Also no matter what happens...it will be ok. Life will go on. It is just one meeting, one day in both your lives, and you will see him again.

Have faith in yourself. You did not cause his problem and he has already said he realizes that.

...and the moment you get back...let us know how it goes. \:\)

All of our thoughts and prayers will be with you.
_________________________
John
Me 56 W 46 D7
First
Second
Third
last

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#1677647 - 12/20/08 02:29 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: JWM]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
John,

Thank you so much for that. What you have said brings me a lot of comfort. I will particularly remember that I will indeed see him again.

Thoughtful as always, thanks.
Beth
_________________________
VV:41

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