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I wish I could offer good advice, but I'm so messed up myself right now. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. All I can say is that I sympathize with having an alien replace your loved one. Rat bast*rds!
I think you should *not* respond at all tonight. Get some sleep and see if things are clearer tomorrow. I know the rage can cloud judgment.
Pearlharbr, who is looking for jobs in another state
Edited by pearlharbr (12/19/0812:27 AM)
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Another night of nightmares. Another night waking up at 3:00 and 5:00. I'm starting to think there's some significance to those times.
I can't remember the first set of nightmares now, but I remember the second set - they were like montages that never found resolution, so much like my life right now.
I dreamt that OW's sister died and that somehow I found out about it. I decided to attend the wake, which strangely enough was being held at that little b****'s house. I was the first person to arrive, and I introduced myself calmly, classily. She was so plain and pathetic. She actually looked like a 21 year old, like someone who still hadn't completely left behind high school. Nothing special at all.
It was my plan to simply observe, to be there when my H showed up to terrify him. But in the dream, I simply couldn't do it. I asked her how she liked f***ing my sloppy seconds. She had this moment where shock and horror flashed across her face, but then she smiled and said she loved it. I grabbed her by the throat and began slapping her, and then my H walked in. The most frustrating thing about the dream was no matter what I did - what I said, how hard I was slapping her, what I said to my H - I could not affect them. I could not hurt them.
Then the scene changed. I found myself in front of my H's place. I was visiting him for some reason, and when I walked in, I remember being disgusted by the banality of the place. In my dream, I was trying to DB, but I was so sickened by his stupid furniture and his stupid little house that I just lost my cool. I started overturning furniture, breaking things. I started slapping him as hard as I could, but somehow it was never hard enough. I was never able to actually hurt him.
And there were other, similar vignettes. Riding in his truck and slapping him. Entering her restaurant and slapping her. And it never made a difference. It was always like I was hitting air, like I could never get contact, like I could not be satisfied.
I am sick of his ghost. I am sick of him sucking the marrow from my celebrations, from my sleep.
I'm late to work today. I'm still not sober enough to go in, so I'm trying to wake up enough to drag myself to the shower and into my car. Thankfully, my boss was there last night and was just as drunk as everyone else. Thankfully, he still being really cool, but I know that very soon I'll begin to find myself on thin ice, so I have to pick myself up and begin to truly tackle my job, my life.
I'm still wallowing in many ways, and it makes me so angry at myself and at circumstances.
I'm still not sure how to respond to his email. I just cannot believe that he is trying to play this game with me. Why push me to a fight?
Maybe I should change the medium and text him back.
Or maybe I should just match the tone of the email.
Or perhaps I should call so that there is no paper trail.
I don't know what to do. What I want to do is write the following:
"Good morning, Mr. Formality (haha),
Thank you for the head's up about the insurance. I will call and take care of the payment. As for Protect America, that bill has already been paid, as has the mortgage and all other due bills. I appreciate your concern, and I appreciate your willingness to work around my busy schedule. We will talk in the future.
Sincerely, Ms. Not-Your-Enemy"
Ah, if only.
"Don't dream it. Be it."
He is a B******. Wow...I can't believe the lack of personality in that email. Don't respond. He definately has an alterior motive. Wish I could tell you what it is though. The only thing I can think is that he is trying to detach to make it easier on him. It is such a far cry from some of his previous emails and texts to you.
Stay strong. Use your great writing skills to vent your anger and frustration at the situation. Do you listen to music much? (i am lost without my ipod)...if you do, put on some angry music and go for a walk. I used to do this. (I would walk hard, swing a stick and feel so much better after about 30 minutes.)
I will check on you later and am sending you calming vibes.
Nas This is only the first 'formal' email you got from him. Trust me, there will be more to come. I think it is fine to response to his email with matching tone, short and civil. By responding with this tone is probably a 180 for you. what I said to my H - I could not affect them. I could not hurt them. Oddly enough, this is true in real life also. You just can NOT change/fix him. I have to pick myself up and begin to truly tackle my job, my life. Then do it...do it to your best...leave nothing on the table. I know you can. You need to take care of Nas first...this is most important part now. Once you find the strength within yourself, better days will come.
Keep posting/venting here.
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I just want to say thank you so, so much to everyone who has been replying. Your support literally keeps me from sinking into dark, dark places.
Pearlharbr: Thank you so much for all of your support. *hugs* I'm still not sure if I'm going to send Christmas cards to his family. I want to as I think it is friendly and kind and appropriate, but I also don't want to pursue or make anyone uncomfortable. The jury is still out on that one.
Crafidi: Thank you so much for stopping by and offering your support. It means so much to me. I really appreciate your prayers, and I am keeping you in mine as well. It is true that we deserve so much better than what we are giving, and I have to remind myself that I am the better person for taking the high road, for not running from difficult situations and emotions. You hang in there as well. Your W certainly does not deserve your love right now, and you are a much better person for not deserting her - for practicing tough love. I try to remind myself that following the lessons of Christ means that I must love my enemy, that I must not judge, that I must endure hardship and pain because it is the right thing to do rather than the easy thing.
Spellfire: Thank you so very, very much for your kind words. I am touched by your support and by your faith in me. I am working on detaching little by little - need to ramp up those efforts. Everytime I think i've detached a bit more, something happens to enrage me and pull me back in. I'd be giving him way too much credit if I thought it was on purpose, but it still sucks nonetheless.
Justwaitn: Yep, he is totally being a b******. It is taking every ounce of my energy to not call him on his BS. But then I remind myself that someone who is willing to be so heartless to protect himself is not worth my anger. I could come up with a hundred reasons for that note - he's just trying to cover his bases; he's scared; he thinks I've pulled back and is gearing up for a fight; he's being influenced by outside parties; he's trying to get a rise out of me. Who knows. And I suppose, in the end, it doesn't even matter. Thank you so much for the compliment on my writing. It really makes my day brighter. And yes, I love music - actually blasted some good angry music during my drive into work and felt much better. Thanks for the soothing vibes!
NW626: Thank you so much, NW626, for your continued support and advice. I cannot express how much your encouragement helps. I suppose my Achilles' heel has always been procrastination and obsessive thinking, so I am resolving to do better at tackling my job. I'm the kind of person that has to focus to the exclusion of everything else - I can throw myself into my work, but if I feel that the rest of my life is "untidy", I have a hard time truly applying myself. That's a big one for me to work on.
As a sidenote, I have received another "formal" email from him. After the bomb was dropped on our anniversary, we went about a day without contact. Then he sent me this:
"Hello _____ [my full name - and by full name, I mean proper name instead of nickname],
I'm writing in order to make sure the bill situation is getting worked out. When I left you told me you wanted the car, house, and everything. That's fine. I just want you to know that I'm not going to pay any bills associated with the house and or vehicle due to having to find a place to rent and can't afford it. If you want to give me the car then I can pay that along with insurance, but I honestly can't afford the house payment. Also everything such as cable, electric, water/utilities needs to get paid as well. I'm not going to be able to pay for that as well. I'm going to take the home security system unless you want it, but that also comes with a thirty dollar monthly payment as well. If you decided to keep the house or sell and not let it foreclose than we need to get together in order to change everything in your name so you get credit for it. If not I'll have to let it bankrupt. Andrea, for the record I never had any sexual relations with anyone, I was only talking. I'm going to come over Tuesday afternoon with one of my coworkers to retrieve my belongings. I'll make sure to only grab my gear. Also can you leave out my family photos as well. I won't keep you any longer.
I ended up deflecting the tension by sending this:
"Good afternoon, _____.
Thank you for your email. I truly hope that this note finds you well.
As far as your request for my response is concerned, I respectfully request a little more time in responding. The decisions to be made in this situation will have long-standing consequences, therefore I require more time in responding as to the exact nature of my position in regards to the items I will take. I would appreciate it greatly if you would give me until 10:00 AM on Tuesday, November 25th to respond to you thoroughly as to how to proceed. I do appreciate greatly that you promised that I could have whatever I wanted in any way that I wanted, and that the terms of our settling of affairs would be my decision. I thank you for that, and it is a mark of your character.
As I have requested that you wait until Tuesday morning for my full answer, I think it best to schedule the removal of your possessions for Wednesday or Thursday. Please let me know the time that you will arrive to remove your things. If you require anything from the house immediately, I can have a neutral party meet you to deliver those items. I will of course leave your family photos out for you, and I will do my best to separate our goods ahead of time so as to save you time in rifling through each room.
When you left, I said that one day I hoped we could come together as friends, and I meant it. We have had a long journey together, and although we are both opening a new chapter in our lives, I hope that we can each look back at our season together with fondness, warmth, and appreciation for the time we had. I know that I will. I truly wish you the best on your continuing journey, and I wish you happiness and fulfillment in all you do.
He didn't respond to my response. I texted him late night and told him that even though I knew that things were as they were, I couldn't sleep and wanted him to know that I was there if he needed to talk.
He responded with a thank you, I-want-to-remain-close-as-well text the next day, and from there, things were friendly again.
So yeah, I don't know what to make of any of this. It's funny to go back and read his old email as the stuff about picking up his things, etc never happened.
Ah well, only time will tell....
~Nas, more annoyed than enraged (thankfully)
Edited by Nasmat (12/19/0811:04 AM)
"Don't dream it. Be it."
Ok, so here are some possible responses to his email. What do you all think?
His email: "Good afternoon _____,
Just wanted to give you a heads up in regards to some bills that need to be paid in order not disrupt service. The Protect America bill is due (29.95) and the insurance bill is due on or before the 25th (114.95). Just want to make sure that you have no problems with service disruption. Okay, take care and when your able to (January) we can hook up and go over everything to sort out everything once more concerning the bills, property, and civil processes. Thanks for your time _____ [my full name].
Option 1: Good morning, _____. I have paid the Protect America bill and will pay the insurance bill today. All other bills should be up-to-date.
Option Two: Good morning, Mr. Formality (haha),
Thank you for the head's up about the insurance. I will call and take care of the payment. As for Protect America, that bill has already been paid, and all other bills are current. I appreciate your concern.
Thanks, Ms. Not-Your-Enemy
Option Three: Text message: Thanks for the note. I'll take care of the insurance, and PA is paid.
Option Four: Call him so there is no paper trail.
Option Five: No response.
Or maybe there's even a better response. Ideas?
"Don't dream it. Be it."
I would definitely call him so there's no paper trail. Just be sure to be composed and cordial, but not overly-friendly or angry when you speak. He's up to something, so be very weary. Have you seen an attorney? At least just for advice?
Yes, I have consulted an attorney although he doesn't know that. It was the attorney who warned me that he could try to seek alimony from me because my income is twice as large as his - this is one reason why I have to be careful to not escalate matters myself. He also warned me that by my H writing an email saying he never had sexual relations, he is trying to protect himself legally (duh). He told me that if I were to contest on the grounds of infidelity that I would need to prove that it occurred or had an obvious change of occuring. Yeah.
He definitely is up to something although I have no clue what. He must be really stupid, though, because he is the unfaithful one, and I am the person with the financial backing (my own, my parents) and the brains to withstand a legal battle. I could literally make his life a living Hell, and he knows it. Furthermore, I am fully aware of the illegal activities and cover-ups that he has been involved in, and if I wanted to, I could make a few calls and he and his little buddies would be on the way to federal prison.
What a fool.
You know, it just occured to me that I'd bet my life that he is on pins-and-needles trying to figure me out. I'm being silent and distant, and I'm sure he's afraid that I am going to rake him through the coals. I'd bet good money that he is waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for me to explode and go on a rampage.
Silly fool, tricks are for kids.
It also occured to me this morning that I am fairly sure that this A has been going on for much longer than he admitted. No one just walks away from 11 years of life - dog, house, wife - after a month of "talking" to someone. He's been talking about that stupid restaurant since this summer - if memory serves, I believe he found it this summer.
What a waste of air he is....
"Don't dream it. Be it."
I think a quick call is in order. A "thanks for the heads up" and a "have a good weekend". Then hang-up and throw a pillow. I wonder who is giving him guidance on all of this...
Your dreams are so similar to what I have had over the past year. (some were dreams while I was sleeping, some were daydreams...;)) This is where the anti-anxiety meds really helped me. I have always had problems sleeping, I would dwell on everything. (my mom said I stopped sleeping at 3 and my daughter is the same way).
I am, unfortunately, not quite wise enough to offer much, but just maybe you can use all of this to write an amazing novel that will sell millions and be made into a movie.