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#1672887 - 12/13/08 10:58 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: 22tango]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Quote:
I just wanted to say that from your posts you seem to be a very articulate and intelligent woman. You are very eloquent in the ways that you express yourself and I admire your ability to do it although you are going through some every heavy sh*t.


Thanks so much, Tango! That really, seriously makes my day. \:\)

God bless,
~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

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Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1672916 - 12/13/08 11:59 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Alright, so I had to call my H. I'm staying at a hotel tonight after my company's big holiday party, and so for myself I needed to at least have some idea when he was going to be at the house.

So I prayed, and I called.

He picked up on the second ring. His tone was very different today - much less of that "one of the buddies" voice and much more of the voice I'm used to hearing. He's cleaning up his new place. Said it's really dirty. Said he knew I was busy last night and that he was sorry to bug me. He said he knows I'm busy this weekend and wanted to know when it would be good to pick up a few things (I love how we keep having the same convo - it's like the twilight zone).

I said it was a really busy weekend, but that he could come over tonight (I won't be here but he doesn't know that) or tomorrow night if he needs to. He said he'll come over tomorrow night to pick up a few things - "just some big things". He asked what we should do about stuff in the cabinets, etc. He said he'd call me to ask if it was ok to take certain things (makes no sense since he's thinks I'll be here), and he then said, "Well, we can just do that stuff later (the cabinets)." I said sure, no problem.

He asked what I wanted to do about the lawnmower, etc. He said he didn't care if I kept it. I said I probably would keep it and made a joke that I did need to learn how to mow a lawn.

He mentioned again that he doesn't need to get everything now, that he just needs a few things.

He asked if Tuesday afternoon would be good for me to go to Comcast. I told him there was no way I could know until Monday because I needed to check my calendar at work as I might have meetings. He said, "Oh...oh ok. That's no problem. You're at work now aren't you?" (Totally made no sense as I just said I couldn't tell him until I got to work, but I KNOW he isn't thinking or even hearing half the time.)

I told him no, I wasn't at work but didn't elaborate.

He then said that he was thinking maybe we could go down to Comcast and grab some lunch. I said sure, that's cool, and that I'd get back with him about it. (I completely mistrust the lunch invite at this point. He sounds sincere, but I know I can't trust that at all. If i do it, I need to prepare myself for a bomb - any and every possible bomb: he's in love, he's getting married, the OW is pregnant, he's moving to Burkina Faso, he has cancer, he has an STD, he wants to file for the D tomorrow, etc.)

I asked if he'd gotten some nice new furniture and he said no, he thinks he's going to do that today. Didn't seem very excited about it.

I tried to get off the phone first - we kind of got to it at the same time. It seems like a race these days. He said he'd see me tomorrow and I said ok, take care.

The conversation lasted for exactly three minutes. Hilarious.

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1672948 - 12/13/08 01:03 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
Br44 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/01/08
Posts: 633
Originally Posted By: Nasmat
Alright, so I had to call my H. I'm staying at a hotel tonight after my company's big holiday party, and so for myself I needed to at least have some idea when he was going to be at the house.

So I prayed, and I called.

He picked up on the second ring. His tone was very different today - much less of that "one of the buddies" voice and much more of the voice I'm used to hearing. He's cleaning up his new place. Said it's really dirty. Said he knew I was busy last night and that he was sorry to bug me. He said he knows I'm busy this weekend and wanted to know when it would be good to pick up a few things (I love how we keep having the same convo - it's like the twilight zone).

I said it was a really busy weekend, but that he could come over tonight (I won't be here but he doesn't know that) or tomorrow night if he needs to. He said he'll come over tomorrow night to pick up a few things - "just some big things". He asked what we should do about stuff in the cabinets, etc. He said he'd call me to ask if it was ok to take certain things (makes no sense since he's thinks I'll be here), and he then said, "Well, we can just do that stuff later (the cabinets)." I said sure, no problem.

He asked what I wanted to do about the lawnmower, etc. He said he didn't care if I kept it. I said I probably would keep it and made a joke that I did need to learn how to mow a lawn.

He mentioned again that he doesn't need to get everything now, that he just needs a few things.

He asked if Tuesday afternoon would be good for me to go to Comcast. I told him there was no way I could know until Monday because I needed to check my calendar at work as I might have meetings. He said, "Oh...oh ok. That's no problem. You're at work now aren't you?" (Totally made no sense as I just said I couldn't tell him until I got to work, but I KNOW he isn't thinking or even hearing half the time.)

I told him no, I wasn't at work but didn't elaborate.

He then said that he was thinking maybe we could go down to Comcast and grab some lunch. I said sure, that's cool, and that I'd get back with him about it. (I completely mistrust the lunch invite at this point. He sounds sincere, but I know I can't trust that at all. If i do it, I need to prepare myself for a bomb - any and every possible bomb: he's in love, he's getting married, the OW is pregnant, he's moving to Burkina Faso, he has cancer, he has an STD, he wants to file for the D tomorrow, etc.)

I asked if he'd gotten some nice new furniture and he said no, he thinks he's going to do that today. Didn't seem very excited about it.

I tried to get off the phone first - we kind of got to it at the same time. It seems like a race these days. He said he'd see me tomorrow and I said ok, take care.

The conversation lasted for exactly three minutes. Hilarious.

~Nas


First - lets both agree that you did not HAVE to call him. But it sounds like it went reasonably well.

I know the feeling of HAVING to call someone or you can't get it off your mind. Every time I find new information... W is out doing shots on her night w/ S, W is on vacation w/ OM, W took S to OM's family Thanksgiving, etc.... I can't concentrate on anything until I tell my L and others that know my situation. It drives me crazy. So I know the feeling of HAVING to do something to keep your sanity.

Nas, keep your expectations at ZERO as much as you possibly can. He will most-likely disappoint you with his words and actions in the near future. He means nothing of what he says and only half of what he does! Remember! It will hurt no matter what, but if you expect some of it maybe it won't have quite the impact on you... good luck.

mc

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#1672957 - 12/13/08 01:29 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Br44]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Ok, MC. I agree. I did not HAVE to call him. In my mind, if I didn't call him, I couldn't plan my Sunday properly. I didn't want to come home from my party and have to deal with him being there without being prepared. I wanted to figure out some timeframe for him coming over just so that I could figure out how to be gone.

If I'm going to be gone.

I think I'm going to be gone.

I will be gone?

I did separate out some of his stuff that I know he'd never find and piled it in the living room for when he comes to pick up his things as I am pretty sure I won't be around.

It did go reasonably well in that I didn't leave the conversation feeling any kind of extreme emotion. Yesterday when I'd talked with him, I was ready to kill something.

I am really, really, really trying to keep my expectations at zero. Every single time I think that he might want to actually have a nice lunch and be normal because he misses me, I have to thought-stop and remind myself that there are a hundred horrible things that i have to prepare myself for. For all I know, it could be the worst lunch of my life - or just more of the same. So yeah, got to prepare.

I'm really trying to be at ZERO. If I was at 10 yesterday then I'd say I'm at 6 today. So yeah, not zero, but I'm trying. Of course, we all know how much can happen in a day.

I'm also trying my hardest to brace myself for the worst - to expect to be disappointed and hurt in really huge ways. I'm trying to prepare myself for immeasurable pain.

Of course, watching a knife come at you is nothing like getting stabbed, but I suppose it's the best I can do. The good news is that I have a party tonight. I'm gonna look hot and laugh and drink and get an award. So yeah, it'll be a good night.

Thanks for helping me, MC. I owe you big time. \:\)

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1672961 - 12/13/08 01:41 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
pearlharbr Offline
Member

Registered: 12/08/08
Posts: 2204
Hey Nas

I can't offer great advice like MC and others, but I just want to tell you again that it really helps me to read your posts. I mentioned on my thread that I think you so eloquently state *exactly* what I am feeling right now too. The roller coaster is not fun. Keep taking it one day at a time, that's all I can do right now.

And have fun at your party tonight!
_________________________
If you love somebody, set them free.
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#1672968 - 12/13/08 01:56 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: pearlharbr]
Br44 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/01/08
Posts: 633
Just remember... PATIENCE.

I kept thinking the next time I saw W or the next time we talked... everything would be back to normal. And when it wasn't, I got pissed.

And, remember, a lunch meeting or whatever will not make or break your situation, so don't give it that power.

Take it one day at a time. Do your best each day and things will work out for you in the end.

Have a great time tonight!

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#1673343 - 12/14/08 12:50 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
FamMan Offline
Member

Registered: 12/07/08
Posts: 39
Nas,
So...how was the party? Did you get some good GALing in?

Hope things go well today when H comes to get stuff. Be strong.

FM
_________________________
Me: 41
W: 43
D13
D11
T/M 21/18
Bomb: 2/08

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#1673345 - 12/14/08 12:52 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
Dudess Offline
Member

Registered: 08/29/08
Posts: 712
Loc: US
Originally Posted By: Nasmat
[emphasis added]You do and you have brought all the good things in me out into the world. You're a beautiful woman, gorgeous, and the most intelligent person I've ever met and will ever meet. All I can do is cherish the years we've spent together and the times you've been there for me. I'll always love you, I'll always respect you, but I painstakingly have to say I have to walk my path alone. I don't know where I'm going, I just know I have to keep taking steps one after the other in order to find my peace, to find myself, to find my answer. In the end I don't know what I want out of life. I'm a simple man and only ask for the simplest of things in life, I guess. I feel I've let you down and have injured you immensely, but in the end I believe we are destined for different things and must take different paths in order to find ourselves. I feel I've hurt your family immensely but would like to say I couldn't have asked for a more understanding, more loving family. I'll probably never acheive anything that compares to you or your family. I am grateful for the time I've had with them. I'll always love tham and fear that they won't quite understand in the end and nor will you. You're destined for great things and without me I believe you will acheive everything you desired growing up and in college. You'll make someone the happiest person in the world one day.

I've changed so much over the years, we've changed so much. I look in the mirror and no longer recognize myself half the time. I feel empty. We have enough history to fill a book, a history that I'll always look back on with love. _____, I just feel that maybe we're better as best friends than husband and wife. We come from two different worlds and even though opposites do attract in the end we are what we are; apples and oranges. Certain things in our marriage bothered me. As meaningless as this is about to sound it has always bothered me. I've always felt that I took a secondary role in our relationship. I never felt like a man, like the head of the household. I always felt that I married another alpha male and always took the secondary role because in the end I love you and wanted to try to make it work. I've always wanted kids, but I never could communicate with you because in the end I don't know how to communicate. I've always had a dream to be my age right now with two kids. I know you want a child, but I can't wait until I'm old and grey with only one child, but even then I feel you would be perfectly happy without one. I've always wanted a house in the country with a family who has barbecues on the back porch with a bonfire and at least two bulldogs running around in the yard. I'm a simple man and I honestly need to feel like one. Also I felt rushed with all the major choices in our marriage. I didn't feel ready at the time to get married because at that time I didn't really know myself. I was hurt when you gave me no options in the music being played at our wedding and it made you upset when I had the disc jockey play two songs of my choice. It was my wedding too and it always bothered me. I also just did not feel ready to buy a house but I relented because I knew it mattered to you. I didn't feel ready to buy that eclipse but I knew in the end you would need a new vehicle and I knew you would never try to learn to drive the focus because not only was it a hassle, but it made you look like a cheap housewife driving an economic car. the things you said about religion a few days ago amzed me. For years I thought I was married to Hades himself (joke). I felt like over the past four years I was losing my religion. i never had anyone to help me learn my faith or support me in my faith, no one to guide me or persuade me to attend Mass. I felt like it was to the point where I doubted my beliefs and doubted myself. I just can't raise a family like that. I know all the animals we ever had I never consulted with you and for that i'm truly sorry. Lola brings great joy into our lives and I miss her immensely. I know you never liked Lucy and I understand why. I felt like I always take care of our animals. I feel if we ever have children I'm going to take a motherly role because I feel you're not wired that way and you'll take a fatherly role. You come from a background of scholarly halls and i come from blue collar salt of the earth. I need things in my life that you can't provide me. Just like there are things I can't provide for you. You are the most intelligent person I know, the most driven person I've ever known. You'll go far without me and you'll fidn true love in the end. It's not fair for you to have to settle in the end. I will always love you no matter what. Don't feel hurt when you try to communicate with me at times and I don't respond. I'm just trying to mlet go and move on. Maybe one day our paths may cross but I have to say goodbye and start a new path into the unknown."


Okay, my situation doesn't involve an OP so maybe I just don't understand what that is like. I just want to say that after reading his letter, I have a very hard time understanding how it could be dismissed as "fog". His letter sounds very clear and from the heart to me. I hear a man who loves you and admires you a great deal, but who doesn't feel like he is "good enough" for you. I hear a man who feels like his preferences were ignored in what should have been joint decisions.

You said he is "rewriting history". Does that mean that the facts are not as he states them? You may have a very different perspective on these events and on the relationship as a whole, but these are his feelings anyway. I suppose it could be that he is seeing things differently because of OW, but isn't it also possible that he did have these feelings all along, and it was because he didn't feel like he was "good enough" and didn't feel like the alph-male, or maybe at times feel like he didn't even have a voice, that made him particularly suseptible to another woman?

It just occurs to me that maybe the reason he is gone is because these issues were not taken seriously during your marriage and I don't know how dismissing his feelings and point of view again now, and not even responding, is going to help. In fact, dismissing it as "fog" and assuming that you do know what he really wants would be more of the same of what he is complaining about.

I'm not defending his actions, I just wanted to give you an alternate pov to consider.
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#1673417 - 12/14/08 03:07 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Dudess]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Quote:
I suppose it could be that he is seeing things differently because of OW, but isn't it also possible that he did have these feelings all along, and it was because he didn't feel like he was "good enough" and didn't feel like the alph-male, or maybe at times feel like he didn't even have a voice, that made him particularly suseptible to another woman?


I absolutely believe what he said in his letter, and I will in no way deny that he felt like he didn't have a voice in alot of things, that he felt like I was the husband, etc - and that those feelings of inadequecy, low self-esteem, powerlessness, etc made him far more susceptible to another man.

I know my descriptions of my sitch are very long, but if you read trhough my original thread, you'll see that I totally understand all of this.

The problem with the "fog" is the problem that pretty much anything I do right now is going to be fruitless because he's with the OW.

And yes, the issues he states below have always been there. In fact, in the past we have discussed them, and I've made many attempts to improve. Since we separated, I've had many changes of heart and shared those things with him. The things he said he wants in his letter in terms of family, God, etc are the exact things that he is avoiding now in his new life.

The issues that he talks about are also issues that could be worked around until just a month or so ago. Looking at the sitch, the most logical explanation is that the OW came along and suddenly the problems were amplified between me and him - seemingly insurmountable - and then there was this lovely young girl who could fill unmet needs. So then it's pow!, let's divorce. Damn, we're just too different. Damn, hurry up the divorce process.

Dudess, I guess the problem is, at this point I don't know what to believe. The rule of thumb around here is believe nothing or what they say (or write) and only 50% of what they do. It's so easy to believe his words, to believe he sincerely loves me and just feels like he needs to find himself.

But, there are signs in the opposite direction as well. In the end, I may never have the full picture of what's going on with him right now - mentally, emotionally, physically. I don't know what to believe nor how to behave.

Oh, and I did respond to his letter. That letter was left at the house for me on 11/29. Immediately after, I saw him and responded that way. I've responded in letters.

I don't know if my response made any sense. I'm a little sleep deprived right now. Thanks for coming by and offering your opinions and support. I always like to onsider a different view.

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1673737 - 12/15/08 12:15 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Journal:

So, it's been quite an interesting weekend. The party for work ended up being a good time, and I really did enjoy myself and forget my troubles for a little while. It was nice to get out and do a little dancing and drinking and to get a little recognition at work. Sure, there were the times when I saw married couples happily flitting about and I felt a pang or two, and yes, I did think from time to time: "H was suposed to be here with me." "H was going to stay at this hotel with me." "If I was here with H, I would be slow dancing and coming back to this hotel room to order room service and ML."

But, in the end, I did have a very good time. Sure, I broke down and told a few people that we are getting a divorce. One of them, a coworker and former boss, has been making jokes for the past 3 years about my "phantom husband" because H could never make it to these parties with me in the past due to scheduling conflicts with his job. I got so sick of the "were is your phantom husband - does he even exist", that I snapped and told the idiot that we're getting a divorce. It actually felt good.

I know it was probably a bad idea to tell a couple of people as now the news will be all over the company by tomorrow afternoon, but in the end it is happening (so far), so why hide from it.

I actually had a nice day today as well. I went to breakfast with my friend, smoked on the beach for awhile, came home and took a nap, visited my parents, and went to dinner and a movie with a friend. All-in-all, a great day.

I did have some contact with my H today. He sent me a text message at 2:26 today saying, "I'll probably stop by later this evening if it's ok?"

I responded: "Sure. No prob." (As if we haven't already discussed this a 100 times now....)

He responded: "Cool. Thanks."

So, at that point I got up from my nap (was just a touch hung over) and went down to my parent's house to pick up Lola (our dog) as my parents dog-sat last night.

I'd made dinner plans to ensure that I wasn't home when my H came to get his things. As I was getting ready to leave my parent's house, H called me to say that he was in Savannah and was on the way to stop by the house to pick up a few things if it was ok. I informed him that I wouldn't be home but that he could feel free to grab whatever. I told him I'd separated out some of his things and told him where to find the rest of his family photos. He seemed disappointed to hear I wasn't going to be there, but said he understood how busy I was. He asked if I'd had a good weekend, and I said it had been excellent. I asked about his, and he said it had been nothing special, said he'd spent the weekend cleaning up his house as the people that lived there before were really dirty - said it was nothing like the hosue in _____ (our house). He said it was just a little country place and that it was ok, but that he was going to have to soak the blinds to clean them as they were so dirty. He said he was just planning to go home and play with Lucy (our parrot) later. We had the same race to get off the phone - him saying he knows I'm busy and doesn't want to keep me and me trying to get off first.

We talked for exactly 2 minutes and 57 seconds (see a pattern forming here).

The conversation was interesting. He sounded like his normal self, and actually sounded a little down. Just a little. I'm not reading anything into it, though, as I know in all likelihood he's just feeling guilty again.

So, I made a mad dash to get home and drop off Lola before before he got there. I would have made it except I ran a stop sign and got pulled over by a cop just outside of my subdivision. Luckily, I got off with a warning, but it was too late to get away without seeing him.

I was able to get Lola inside, and just as I was making my way to my car to leave, he pulled up. I think he was surprised to see me. He was wearing his "nice clothes" - his good jeans and polo that I bought him from Banana Republic. He even had on some dressier shoes instead of tennis shoes. makes me wonder if he wasn't in Savannah having lunch with OW. Who knows.

He actually seemed nervous - he has a different stance and his eyelids flutter when he's nervous, and that's what he was doing. He told me again that he was just going to grab some ammo, and I told him again that I'd separated some of his things. He thanked me and said I didn't have to do that. After talking for a minute, he walked over to give me a hug - it ended up being one of those half-hugs as I tried to keep it "friendly but not friends" - so it was the hug I'd give a random coworker. He mentioned again that he could leave his house key, but I didn't really respond. He said the new place wasn't very nice - that what he'd thought were hardwood floors when he looked in the window were really linoleum floors. He said there was no carpet at all, and that it was pretty small - just two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a common area. He mentioned going to Comcast on Tuesday again, said that he was thinking we could go to Comcast and then get some lunch. He said we could talk about plans and things if I wanted to. I told him I'd see what I could do and would get back with him tomorrow.

And then he said he knew I had to get going, and I agreed and got in my car. I told him good luck with everything and he said "take care and be safe". As I was pulling out, he stopped me and asked me if I had my revolver with me. I told him yes. He asked if I wanted him to leave me any more ammo and I said I thought the ammo I had was fine.

And then I left. He called me a minute or two later and asked if he could take the bratwurst in the freezer and if it was ok if he took a fork with him. I said no problem, and he thanked me and said he'd eat the brats for dinner. I got off the phone first - after less than a minute on the phone.

It was SO hard, but it was the right thing to do and I was glad I did it. I handled myself well - no R talk, talked very little about myself, validated, and was friendly but not a friend.

I actually had a really great time at dinner, and I enjoyed the movie. I only had a few brief moments where I thought of him. I thought I'd feel more anxious coming home, and though I was a little curious and a little nervous about what he might have taken with him (everything, lots of stuff, etc), when I got home I found that he hadn't taken anything.

I checked the entire house, and all he'd taken was the bratwurst and a can of ammo. He still has toilettries in the bathroom, some clothes in the closet, and he didn't take any of the stuff I'd separated for him. He didn't leave the key.

He had separated out a few other things - his family photos and the bird's play perch, but they are just piled up with the other stuff.

It's odd, but whatever. I can't read much into it as he could have left without taking the stuff for any reason - could have gotten called out at work, could have gotten a call from the OW. Anything.

So, there you have it. Not sure what to make of all of it, but I am trying to make nothing of it at all. Right now I feel oddly centered and nonchalant about the whole thing.

Interesting. One step closer to detachment, it seems.

I'm trying to decide what I want to do about Tuesday. Do you think I should go to lunch with him?

I suppose I might as well. I'll figure it out in the morning.

Thanks, everyone, and goodnight.

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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