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Beth - I'm so happy for you. My only observation is to "stay with yourself" during your visit with your h. You are doing such an amazing job of rediscovering the wonderful person you are... hang on to that.

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WIT - good advice. That might be the place from which I will draw the strength I need for the visit. I think this is where being more detached than I am would be helpful.

As any couple does, H and I can feel each other's moods and we feed off of them. The more detached I am, the calmer I can remain no matter how he is feeling. Since I have not been the best detacher, my calm will have to come from strength. "Staying with myself" as you so nicely put it just might give me some of that strength.

Thank you for hanging in there with me when you are having such a tough go of it.

Beth


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I like the way WIT put that about "staying with yourself" and I guess I'd add "staying in the moment" and you are definitely a STRONG one!

Tawnya


Me:39
H:40
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WIT, Tawnya and Beth... you are turning this thread into an Eastern Philosophy seminar. Buddhist slogans aplenty! I love it!


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Accidental Double Post. Arg...

Last edited by techguy; 12/18/08 10:32 PM.

My thread, Carpe Diem #4
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Tech..and I had no idea..LOL..

Tawnya


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That's OK. You're probably reincarnated. Some buddhist from a prior life was 'channelling' those sayings through you! ;\)


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Hi Beth,

OK... so one last post before I hit the sack.

I was actually thinking of this relative to my own sitch, but it really applies to your situation as well. So I thought I would post it over here.

My thought was that our WAS's mind is <always> at work:

Sometimes they see us LBS'es. They note our changes and that is a good thing.
But sometimes they <don't> see us LBS'es. But even then, this is still useful. It's these very times where your husband finally clearly see's that his issues are truely his.

So the message is that there is opporitunity for progress in the R 24-hours a day! It's so easy to think that there can only be progress in those occasions where WAS is interacting with us. The truth is soooo much better!


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Hey, I agree with TechGuy. I remember when H & I would go out together. We weren't at the touching point. It was so weird & awkward. I felt like I was with some stranger, he was acting so gentlemanly. It took a long time for us to get comfortable probably for the first time ever.

p.s. Ewww on the lasik smells. I sure don't remember smelling burning. Thank goodness. That would have put me out for sure. I had it 10 years ago. Best money I ever spent. Went from 20/800 to 20/25 in 6 hours.

Last edited by smartcookie; 12/19/08 08:24 AM.

M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
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Beth,

I'll be thinking of you over the weekend and sending positive energy to you.

A few years ago I began reading Buddhist texts. Michele's notion of a "beginner's mind" is borrowed from buddhism, along with the practice of "staying in the moment". I have not fully embraced buddhism in my life, partly because it is anti-gay (I am a human rights activist), however, many of the teachings are useful as a basis for daily practices.

Would you consider a brief period of "sitting" - which is meditation - before meeting with your h? There is nothing special that one has to do. It can be something as simple as focussing on your breathing, then visualizing yourself in the encounter, perhaps seeing you and your husband surrounded by healing light. It facilitates the "discipline" of being in the moment, which is the only way to truly fully live. The past can only be learned from and the future is to be discovered.

These were some of the practices that allowed me to heal from abuse. Over the past few days I've turned to them again to deal with what has been going on.

I look forward to reading whatever you wish to share following your meeting with h.

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