A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.

Please consider this OnLine Community as 'Read Only' for now. We are making some changes behind the scenes, and will let you know right away when everything is back up and running properly. Please do not register as a new user, nor post during this time. Although it may seem like things are working properly, please note that any changes or new posts that happen during this transition period will not be retained once we have completed our maintenance and changes, and are back up and running again. We are working to make this transaction period as short as possible. We are aiming for 24 hours, but it could be anywhere from 24 - 48 hours. Thank you.
Page 6 of 15 < 1 2 ... 4 5 6 7 8 ... 14 15 >
Topic Options
#1676294 - 12/18/08 08:49 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: techguy]
healthydad Offline
Member

Registered: 06/24/08
Posts: 1425
Loc: California
Hi Beth,
I would be in tears too if I sensed a turn in my W...how could you not?

It sounds like you have a very healthy approach in mind - and I think it's wonderful that you remember his attraction to your calm - it says a lot about what he needs - and what you offer. Reading that reminded me of something my wife used to tell people about me - that she was attracted to me because I would always react to confrontation with a lot of calmness...of course, she doesn't see that in me anymore...but I know it's still in me...I've been experiencing that calm a lot lately...

But back to you - not fixing is important...so too is not trying to correct anything he might say that doesn't jive with your sense of reality...since I imagine that anything he would identify as painful is very real to him...will you be taking your camera with you too?

Hugs,
Carlos
_________________________
Me:39
S3,S13

"We consent to live like sheep." W.H. Auden

On my own
Separation #4

Top
#1676319 - 12/18/08 11:27 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: healthydad]
whateverittakes Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 255
Beth - just stopping by to let you know you're in my thoughts. I don't have much mental focus right now (partly because of these meds) so am not following people's threads closely.... but I do know that your sitch is developing positively. My positive thoughts are with you.

Top
#1676522 - 12/18/08 04:29 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: techguy]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Techguy - You already know me so well. I chuckled at your closing. But in all seriousness, you are correct. I need to not get my hopes too high and not be paralyzed by fear of screwing it up either.

Thanks for giving me your insight from Retrouvaille. That helps a lot and it is very meaningful.

Carlos - thanks, no, I will not take my camera. It does not sound like we will have too much time and I think the bird watching will be enough. I am glad to be reminded about accepting his reality. I definitely have to table by desires and not let them lead me.

WIT - thanks for your kind words. I know you are having a rough time right now. Just keep doing what you have been doing.

Update:

I was surprised to receive an email from H this morning telling me he is swamped but that he "wants to do his best to see me this weekend" and offering to meet for coffee instead of gardening.

First, I was certain he would not contact me and that I would have to nudge him into meeting me.

Second, I cannot explain it, I just sense a shift in him. Cannot say more than that, it's just a feeling.

I countered his email with a proposal of coffee and a walk. He agreed.

I wish I could put my finger on what it is but something is different. Guess I'll know more after Saturday.
_________________________
VV:41

Top
#1676529 - 12/18/08 04:43 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Hey, Beth! Just wanted to stop by and say that I am thinking of you and praying for you still.

I will pray for the best for you this weekend, and I hope you enjoy your time no matter what.

*hugs*

You're a strong, kick-butt woman, Ms. Sydney. ;\)

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

Top
#1676537 - 12/18/08 04:47 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
nw626 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/08
Posts: 498
Beth
That's great....he could have just flat out cancel the whole thing.
Instead he still want to meet with you. That's wonderful.
I don't want to get you too excited.
Funny, I am actually excited for you....strange.
Remember there are still plenty ups and down for you.
Please be prepared.....

Enjoy the meeting....be the best friend that he always has.

You are doing great.
NW626
_________________________
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!

Top
#1676545 - 12/18/08 04:59 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: nw626]
healthydad Offline
Member

Registered: 06/24/08
Posts: 1425
Loc: California
...and...no expectations...try to keep them under control as best you can - since expectations can really get in the way right now - especially with small signs of change. Just as we can read too much into the negatives, sometimes our hopes can make too much of the positives - not that this doesn't seem positive - but it's just best to be cautious...I say this only because a couple months ago I hit a point where I thought my W was warming up - accepting favors from me, talking with me, even being friendly - only to have it culminate in her telling me that she was going to move out - and that she didn't even like me anymore...

NOT to say that your H is headed in that direction - and I think it's a good thing to trust your gut on this one (since your gut feelings have been pretty impressive in reading your sitch) - but I just wanted to offer that experience as a caveat - since you have to be prepared (in a way I was not) for anything he might say - since if he's feeling comfortable and close, it could also bring out some stuff that's hard to hear. My mistake was to listen and feel wounded by the stuff she said...only now can I look back and realize that she was able to say some of the things she said because she was feeling safer with me...I thought I understood that at the time...but I did not get it as I do now...

-Carlos.
_________________________
Me:39
S3,S13

"We consent to live like sheep." W.H. Auden

On my own
Separation #4

Top
#1676574 - 12/18/08 05:45 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: healthydad]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{Beth}} Very cool that he contacted you first, a good babystep in the right direction, and that he still wanted to get together, another good babystep!

I hope you have a good weekend no matter what happens my friend!

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



Top
#1676648 - 12/18/08 07:07 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: Tawnya]
ff468 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 100
Loc: utah
Beth
This is awesome that H is wanting to hang out with you. I am so happy for you and can't wait to hear how it goes. Remember, strong, confident and positive.:)
B

Top
#1676670 - 12/18/08 07:22 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: ff468]
lovehimso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 238
Hi Beth,

I haven't checked in with you much lately, but not because I haven't been thinking about you. I have been trying to keep up with your sitch, and I am so happy for you that things with your H seem to be moving in a positive direction.

I think your plan sounds like a good one, and I think you have a great mindset about it.

Is your mom still with you? If she is, I hope you two are having a great time together.

Are you ready for the holidays? I am so stressed right now because I haven't really done much of anything to prepare. I'm just not "feeling" it this year, but this is just one of many things I have to learn to do, even if I don't "feel" like it. I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately on the person I have become, and I'm really trying to get out of my "comfort zone" (which had me trapped in a life and personality that I didn't like), but it's only made things that much harder for me this holiday season. I hope you are holding up well.

I'll "see" you around, okay?
_________________________
Me: 38
H: 41
M: 12
D12, S10
H began EA: 7/08
H moved out: 9/30/08
Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08

My story:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048

Top
#1676714 - 12/18/08 08:07 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: lovehimso]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
NW626, Nasmat, Tawnya, Byron and LHS - thank you all for checking in with me so often when you all have things to deal with, too. I truly appreciate your support and kindness.

Carlos - great advice, thank you for that. What you said about being prepared to hear painful things because H feels I provide safety echoes what my DB coach said. She said it was clear from H's email that he feels safe with me. Thank you for trying to help me benefit from your own experience.

I have been thinking a lot today about tempering my expectations and hopes. I am still very concerned/fearful that H will never want to come back to me. Rather than wallow in that fear, I try to use it to temper any over excitement that is creeping in because of this small change in H's attitude and openness. I keep reminding myself that what he said in that email, while very expressive, shows what a dark place he is in. If he feels I am safe and he opens up, who knows what will pour out. My mantra is: maintain a non-anxious presence in the face of his angst.

I am also trying to prepare myself to not react to his physical appearance. It was already pretty bad when I saw him one month ago, so it may be even worse now.

I am also reminding myself frequently of my running analogy because I feel myself wanting this to speed up and end. It is not going to happen at any pace other than his. Only he can solve his problem, only he can decide he needs help and/or treatment and only he can decide if he wants to reconcile. All I can do is be a good friend, offer kindess and support. I can also hope that those attributes might be attractive to him.

I left work early today and will be going for a nice long run this afternoon. Man do I need to burn off some of the emotions inside of me.
_________________________
VV:41

Top
Page 6 of 15 < 1 2 ... 4 5 6 7 8 ... 14 15 >


Moderator:  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004