I do hope it is a small turning point with H. I hope that through friendship he will find his way back to me, slowly but surely.
For now, I just have to be a steadfast friend to him. I am realizing that may mean pushing him a little - not toward reconciliation - rather, just toward letting in a friend.
The depressed mind is a wonder. The more I read, the more I am learning they really need a gentle hand helping them to keep moving forward. Because we use the word "depressed" so loosely in the English language, we think we know what someone with clinical depression is feeling. From what I have read and learned, we have no idea. It is not just feeling sad and down. It is truly disordered thinking. Their reality is different. I am not saying they are suffering from a total break with reality. But they do not see a way out.
So the trick is not to push him too hard so that he will keep letting me in. Maybe that way, slowly, he'll want to get help for himself.
I am talking with my DB coach tonight and my IC on Friday so I should be as well prepared as possible.
I don't want to be arrogant, but I just can't resist: I'm going to have a 'told you so' moment. I think this was the last post I made to you... Then your husband sends the mail a couple of days later!
Originally Posted By: techguy
Hi Beth,
I guess you could say that things aren't working based on interaction frequency with your husband. But they aren't getting worse either.
If you weren't DBing, who knows how much worse things would have gotten by now?
And I'm just not sure that measuring progress based on interaction frequency or trying to analyse the tone of a few words in email is a good measure. The only 'true' measure is to know what is going on inside husband's head. That's something you just don't see.
We couldn't see into his head at the point... but he surely had some big thoughts about you going on, didn't he!
I'll post some more thoughts after lunch.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Hi Beth, Just dropping by to see how you're doing - and reading your stuff made me realize right away that I should direct my sister to your thread...She's going through something so very similar with her H - and just has no idea how to cope with his depression.
I'm so impressed with your attitude and your strength - one thing I read and see for myself on this board is that the people who succeed are the ones that have the strongest PMA throughout their ordeal - and by succeed - I don't just mean the people that reconcile - I also mean the people that find themselves and get stronger...
Given what you're doing for your H - how much you're learning about his condition - he is certainly blessed to have you in his life...working on friendship is a brilliant approach...
Glad you came by, thanks! I'll take the I told you so from you any day of the week.
You see, I was not kidding when I said you are my measure of reason. You always say something that pulls me out of emotional tailspin and reminds me to look at the bigger picture and to look at it in its entirety, not just through my own lenses.
Wow, thank you. I appreciate the kind words but am not sure I am the poster child for PMA.
As for learning about my H's condition and doing whatever I can, he is my family and my friend. I would never let someone I love flounder if there were anything I could do. I have said from the beginning of all of this that I will not walk away from him so long as I think he is unwell and that illness prevents him from getting better.
We may never reconcile, I hope very much that this is not true, but I will never walk away from him while he is unwell. I know in my heart he would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. That's just who he is.
And I do not think I am alone in this resolve. You have it, I have seen it in your posts. Everyone here, fighting for someone they love has it. We are all doing what we can.
Tell your sister to read as much as she can on depression in men. The symptoms are very different. There are lots of books on talking to people with depression that are also helpful.
I've been kind of busy last couple of days. I had a LASIK enhancement on my eye yesterday. I had LASIK done five years ago, but my prescription had 'drifted' so my vision had dropped to 20/30 now. You get a lifetime guarentee with LASIK, so they redid one of my eyes for free.
Nothing like having a laser blast your eye while you watch! (You have to watch, they clamp your eyelids open so you can't blink).
The best part is when you can smell your own eye burning while the laser is running! Smells just like burnt hair. Yummy!
Anyway, back to you...
So I think this is great. Not sure I have any super-profound advice. I think you just need to feel him out a bit. This is a real 'monitor and react' moment.
My only small thought would be to try and avoid dropping into the 'fixer' mode too quick. I would imagine that you might have a thousand ideas to suggest to him.
But I found with my wife that we had to go through a period of just getting used to being around each other. It really is awkward at first when you've been apart for a long time. And it will probably be more awkward for him, since he may have feelings of guilt, etc...
So I might suggest that your first couple of interactions be kept to nothing but 'togetherness'. And not too much talking in general. Perhaps a walk or bird watching etc... Just something fairly low key and mundane.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Eew. Sorry about the LASIK procedure. I am making a face just typing about it. I am one of those "knock-me-out" types for everything. Hope you are feeling okay.
I think you are absolutely right. My goal with this meeting will be, as you once said to me, just to get another one. I want to show him I am here for support. So, I agree it will be essential not to leap into fix-it-all-today mode. I will have to be vigilant about that.
From your post, it seems you think there may be a small turn of events here. I am afraid to think that. My self-protective instinct is to believe that he simply agreed to see me out of a sense of obligation.
My plan is to show up with binoculars in hand and say, "What can I do to be supportive? Your email showm me you have a lot to handle right now. We can walk in silence, you can talk and I can listen, I can ask questions, or I can babble about me. It's up to you." And then just do as he says or shows me.
Techguy The LASIK bit was nice....may be only guy can appreciate that.
Beth I think you are on the right track... Based on my pass experiences with my W and MIL (both with depression), depressed people hate being 'Fixed'...be really careful in this area. I've learned it the hard way.
You are doing good...keep up the good work.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
