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#1673807 - 12/15/08 07:27 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
marriedCrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 2105
Nas...

My first observation is that he's looking for more interaction with you:

1 - because he keeps contacting you with the same requests, even though you've responded over and over again with the same response.

2 - he wants lunch with you when you go to Comcast. (BTW, DirecTV is better)

3 - He took absolutely nothing. This is the most confusing, or telling sign.

It makes me wonder if he's trying to keep you on a line for a safe place to land if things with OW don't go as planned. Cake-eating at its best. My W still has all of her belongings except for some clothes and all of her primping/beauty items.

I would think hard about going to lunch with him. I know the lure of it; but I'm not sure what the result of it would be. My thoughts would be to treat the encounter like a business deal. Maybe ask him what he wants to discuss. I'd be wary of R talks since his actions show he's in no hurry to get his stuff out of your house.

Good Luck Nas.
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#1673819 - 12/15/08 08:10 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: marriedCrazy]
nw626 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/08
Posts: 498
Nas
I think you did great on Sunday with H, especially on no R talk.
You are right. It seems like your loving detachment is working.
MC is correct, just treat the Tuesday lunch as business meeting if you decide to go.
You are doing good...
Keep up the good work.

NW626
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Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!

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#1673863 - 12/15/08 09:34 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: nw626]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Hey, Tom and NW626! Thanks for stopping by and offering support and encouragement. It helps out so much!

I would agree that he's looking for more interaction with me as well, Tom. I don't want to read anything into that because there could be a hundred reasons for that - cake-eating, doubts, guilt, an argument with the OW. Who knows. I'm working hard to make sure my expectations and interpretations stay really low.

What's funny is it's not just that he wants to go to lunch with me - he's also mentioned it about 10 times now.

The fact that he took nothing is really, really strange. Once again, trying not to read anything into it. He could have gotten called out at the last minute for a drug bust or something. Who knows. He did take the time to put out a bill for me and change the toilet paper roll in the master bathroom, though. Strange little things....

I feel pretty good right now because I'm not half as fixated as I would have been a week ago. I'm actually thinking about and looking forward to other plans this week - stuff with friends, getting some things in the house done. I'm steeling myself for the worst at lunch and telling myself that it's just tantamount to lunch with an acquaintance. I think I am going to go, but I have a 2:00 coaching session today so I'm thinking I should hold off on a decision until I talk to her.

I am definitely weary of the R talks. I'm going to talk to my coach and try to prepare myself for responding to the worst case scenarios.

NW626, thanks so much for the encouragement! I feel good right now, so I'm just going with it. Loving detachment is getting a touch easier - perhaps because detachment is getting easier. I'm thinking about him alot less, and I actually have some trepidation of my own, now.

Interesting stuff.

Thanks, fellas! *hugs*

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1673872 - 12/15/08 09:44 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
FamMan Offline
Member

Registered: 12/07/08
Posts: 39
Good Job Nas!

You handled that really well. That takes a lot of strength.

All the signs from the Sunday interraction look really positive. You are wise to not read too much into them, but you can be encouraged by them.

We should start a pool to guess how many more times he will call about lunch on Tuesday

Keep up the good work. Keep praying.

FM
_________________________
Me: 41
W: 43
D13
D11
T/M 21/18
Bomb: 2/08

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#1673886 - 12/15/08 09:55 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: FamMan]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Hi, FamMan! *hugs* Thanks for the support and encouragement, and I hope you had an excellent weekend. It was really hard to walk away on Sunday, but I feel good about it. I feel encouraged but cautious. I think it's a good thing that I'm letting the rope down a tiny bit more. If this had happened the previous weekend, I would have been reading way too much into it and would have been back on the "let's reconcile right now" bandwagon.

I'm so not on that bandwagon right now. I feel much more grounded. I know there will need to be lots of work and change and effort for this to work, and sometimes I question whether I should be fighting. it doesn't mean I'm giving up - I'm just finally starting to refocus on myself a bit. It feels good. \:\)

I totally think we should start a pool. I say I talk to him at least 3 more times about Tuesday - let's say twice today and then once tomorrow. \:\)

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1674437 - 12/15/08 08:55 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Journal:

So, today was interesting and in general a pretty good day. I managed to get alot done at work, and that felt good. I really have been avoiding work completely, and that created alot of extra guilt that I was carrying around with me.

I talked to my DB coach today, and she seemed very optimistic about everything. To be honest, I'm not sure that her feeling that he's doubting things is correct. She feels that my H is second-guessing and that explains his nervousness (asking the same question a hundred times), the fact that he's comparing our houses, and the fact that he didn't take stuff. She thinks on on the right track - being friendly - and that I should make an effort to keep demonstrating that I respect him and that I care for him as a "dear friend".

I'm not so sure, but I did call him from the office today and I left him a voicemail saying that I had conference calls in the morning but should be able to make it to Comcast tomorrow.

So, the whole bloody day went by and he didn't call me back. I know what you're going to say - I shouldn't have called him again - but really, I have a life to plan. I know, I know. If I didn't hear from him, I could have just gone to work and made him reschedule.

But I didn't. I called him tonight - at around 7:00. He didn't pick up. At that point, I got pissed.

I know, I know.

So I sent him a text to his other phone:

"Hey when are we meeting tomorrow? Have to schedule a meeting around it. Thanks."

He called me back a few seconds later and apologized for not returning my call. He said he was down at his dad's getting some stuff (his phones don't get much reception down there). He said that we didn't have to do the Comcast thing tomorrow if another day was better for me. I said it was fine - it was up to him - but that I didn't have a whole free day anytime soon so it was no big deal. He said Comcast was coming out to his place to set up his cable tomorrow from 8:00 - 12:00, so could I make it at around 1:00. I said that would be fine. He said he didn't want me to have to waste gas going back to Hilton Head that evening for a meeting, but I said it was no big deal. He asked how my party went this weekend. I said it was great, and he asked about a few mutual friends that attended. I didn't give much info. He asked if I'd stayed overnight on the island and I said yes, but I didn't elaborate. He said he'd ask the Comcast guy tomorrow where their store was located. He beat me to the f***ing punch in terms of getting off the phone again - I'd swear he was DBing if I didn't know better. It's really like a race these days. Call time: 3 minutes, 25 seconds.

And yeah, now I'm really gonna get my chops busted. I called him back a few minutes later to tell him when Comcast was located. I got off the phone first. Call time: 34 seconds.

He was using that detached voice of his that he uses when other people are around him - makes me think he's likely with OW right now and was lying about being at his dad's (I could tell he was driving). That b****.

So, I also did some other naughty things today. I confess that I have access to his email account. He doesn't know it, but I do. I've been checking it to see if he's been emailing that b****. Well, today I see that he got online confirmation for an order from Ross Simons, a jewelry store that I buy/he bought alot of my jewelry from. So I logged into Ross Simons as him to check out his order. I found his new address. And I found what he ordered.

A pair of earrings (cheap ones, at that). You can find them here: http://www.ross-simons.com/products/025775.html

So, that got me to wondering whether he bought them for OW. Of course, he could have bought them for one of his sisters seeing as how he had been talking about buying one of them jewelry for birthday or Christmas, but then again he has two sisters. Why buy for one and not the other. It looks like on the shipping info that they are being shipped here. That should be fun - if he doesn't catch it in time. He's having them 2nd day shipped which makes me wonder if they aren't for OW as his sisters won't be in town until Christmas Eve - if they do come.

And then, I did a little more detective work. Ladies and gentlemen, I found out where OW works. Apparently, she got off work at 7:00, so he very well may have been with her - would explain him not picking up the phone as much as him being at his dad's house.

Someone needs to stop me from going down to the restaurant to scope her out. If I do, I'll be totally exposed, so I know I can't. This isn't a restaurant that's anywhere near where I'd normally go. I am considering sending in a spy, though -someone he doesn't know. Lord, somebody stop me. I am on a rampage. I really will find someone to go down there and report back about this b****.

Also, someone please stop me from getting in my car and driving past his little s***hole of a home.

Right now, I just feel like I want revenge. Lots of revenge.

Not a good mindframe for tomorrow, I know. It's not even like I feel like I want him back right now. He feels pretty dead to me at the moment. Mostly, I want vengeance.

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1674446 - 12/15/08 09:20 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
marriedCrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 2105
Quote:
Mostly, I want vengeance.


Don't we all?

Be careful of that emotion...you could do things that you can't recover from.

Let's also remember that any more snooping in his life does nothing for you but cause you grief. It doesn't change the sitch; you already know he's with another woman. What does knowing more do for you?

I really relaxed with my sitch when I was able to set up my life without having to depend on her. I quit watching what she did online and cancelled her cell phone. I just quit caring about what she did outside the M; because I couldn't control it and I decided to stop letting IT control me and my actions. I've never been more at peace within my M. Now, I'd be lying if I said that none of it bothers me a little; but I choose let it roll of my back.

Good evening Nas..
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#1674458 - 12/15/08 09:38 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: marriedCrazy]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Hey, Tom. \:\) I know you have a very good point. Before I didn't really care about the OW, and everything is fine. This is a waste of my energy for sure, and yes, I know I'm only hurting myself.

*sigh*

Seriously, though, I've got an itch now, and it wants to be scratched. I want to know about this girl. I want to know everything.

I mean, you can't play a game well if you don't know all of your opponents....

And I think perhaps I just want to know how seriously he's lying to me, how much is really invested. Knowing that, at least I can better assess my desire to stay.

I mapquested directions from the restaurant to his new place. He lives 4 minutes and 56 seconds away. How sweet.

I know. I need to detach. Who cares, right?

And yet....

~Nas, feeling very, very evil
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1674462 - 12/15/08 09:47 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
marriedCrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 2105
Quote:
I mean, you can't play a game well if you don't know all of your opponents....


Actually, DB'ing does teach that you should be aware of what the OP is giving; so that you know what your S is getting from them.
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#1674471 - 12/15/08 09:56 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: marriedCrazy]
Br44 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/01/08
Posts: 633
Nas -

You need to stop initiating contact with him. It is not good for your PMA and causes you to get back on the rollercoaster.

Believe me, I know how you feel... you seem to be my female twin in your attempts to DB. Don't feed into his BS... it will set you back.

Your emotions are running your decisions right now and that is normal... but it hurts your cause of getting your husband back.

You will question whether you even want him back... but, YOU DO!

Remember... we are here for you...


Edited by makingchanges (12/15/08 09:57 PM)

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