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#1675935 - 12/17/08 09:04 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: nw626]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
Techguy..EEW..but glad you can see well now \:D

{{Beth}} You sound like you are going to take this slowly and carefully and sounds like you will follow his lead!! Good plan \:\)

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1675948 - 12/17/08 09:31 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
AnotherNightmare Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/08
Posts: 278
Loc: PA
Beth,

I think your plan is good. Continue to let him think that he is in control. I said something to techguy that I will repeat here:

The grass has germinated. Now you need to carefully water it, but not too much, so it fouls.

I am not sure I will have the patience and strength to go through what you been through. This has been a long, long time to finally see the first little sign of change. I am very happy for you and cannot wait to hear how it will develop.

AN
_________________________
M43 W45, M17
S9 D6
Bomb: 11/11/08
EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ?
Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09
Healed, but still heading for D
My situation

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#1675987 - 12/17/08 10:18 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: AnotherNightmare]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
AN,

Thank you so much. I am actually sitting here crying because I am afraid to think that something might have gotten a little bit better. Can you believe that? I am so scared all the time. I suppose this is normal.

You are right that I cannot foul the grass. I like that. Here is something I have said to others that bears repeating to myself:

When I run a 10K, often, when I have only 1.5 miles left to run, I am hit with the overwhelming urge to speed up to get the rest of it over with. By then it feels that the road has been long and I am ready to finish. But, I have learned the hard way, that if I break my pace and speed up, I will run out of energy and not be able to finish the last mile, which would be shameful since by then I have run about 5.5 miles. So, I stick to my pace and I finish. It is the only way.

So here, I have to stick to my pace and the techniques that have been working. Cannot change the strategy now, cannot speed up now, cannot even assume anything has changed, really.

Thank you for your kind words. They came at exactly the right moment.

Beth
_________________________
VV:41

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#1676061 - 12/18/08 12:18 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
nw626 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/08
Posts: 498
Beth
Don't worry about the crying. You are doing good. Your emotion is normal.
Instead of thinking 10K run, this is more like a marathon.
Like you said, pace yourself with no expectation and you will be just fine.
Good luck..

NW626
_________________________
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!

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#1676082 - 12/18/08 01:06 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: nw626]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
NW626,

Thank you for saying that. I am feeling better now. I have spoken with my DB coach and feel confident about my next steps.

How are you doing?
_________________________
VV:41

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#1676108 - 12/18/08 01:43 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
JWM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/08
Posts: 743
Beth, I had a crying jag late last night. I ended up praying and actually think I got a bit of assistance. An old friend and mentor called today. He is an old friend but also a business partner. We only talk once or twice a year and I had not thought to call him. He has gone through bad times with his ex-wife...adultery and divorce. He came through that experience and became very spiritual person. He invited me to a men's weekend retreat and I told him about my sitch.

What a great help he was to me today and will be as I go through this.

I'll post some of what he said on my thread. He did give me hope...

I wanted to say to you also...I realize now that when I feel the worst...I'm crying and having a bad time...I always think that in a few minutes the bad time will end and I will have let go a little of that particular hurt. I always feel better afterward. If we allow ourselves to feel the emotion, and get through it, it makes us stronger. You are getting stronger and your sadness seems better that last week and the week before...right?


Edited by JWM (12/18/08 01:48 AM)
_________________________
John
Me 56 W 46 D7
First
Second
Third
last

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#1676110 - 12/18/08 01:56 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: JWM]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
JWM,

Yes, I am better. Thank you. You are always very thoughtful and I really appreciate that.

I look forward to reading what you post on your thread. I like what you said about letting go of "that particular hurt." It is a really positive way to look at it. I'll be thinking of that in the future.

I am glad you reconnected with your friend. I hope that he will be a good support for you.

Beth
_________________________
VV:41

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#1676113 - 12/18/08 01:59 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{Beth}} Glad your DB coach session went well and are the steps what you had said..you said you felt confident about the next steps, are they the ones you had mentioned above about meeting up, gently pushing, and just following his lead?

Glad you are doing better my friend \:\)

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1676132 - 12/18/08 02:17 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: Tawnya]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Tawnya,

Yes, those are the steps. She gave me a lot of advice about how to be a "non-anxious" presence in the face of his depression and angst.

One of the things H liked about me when we were first dating was that I could, in his words, handle his intensity. That's really all this is now, more intensity. Of course it is more serious, but I still just have to be that person who can handle him and his moods. Calm, quiet strength, no matter what he throws at me.

She pointed out that depressed people need routine so my idea of regular emails to ask for walks is a good idea.

I am ready for whatever he's got. Most important for me will be to stifle the urge to fix things for him (as Techguy wisely reminded me) and to keep myself quiet to give him the opportunity to talk.

Thanks for cheking in and asking.

Beth
_________________________
VV:41

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#1676186 - 12/18/08 03:44 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
techguy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 513
Loc: Midwest
Originally Posted By: Bettou
From your post, it seems you think there may be a small turn of events here. I am afraid to think that. My self-protective instinct is to believe that he simply agreed to see me out of a sense of obligation.

What do you think?


Well, truthfully, I think this is a huge turn for the better.

He wouldn't have shared his weaknesses if it was just a sense of obligation to spend time with you.

The ability to share deep feelings, especially weaknesses, is a key part of what Retrouvaille trys to encourage. Your husband just did it on his own. That's a big deal.

But if I say that you will either get your hopes up too high or you will be gripped with paralyzing fear that you are going to screw it up.

So... I officially think that this is only one small step.
_________________________
My thread, Carpe Diem #4
Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1

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