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Br44 #1674494 12/16/08 03:31 AM
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Hey, my male twin! ;\)

Yeah, so I totally knew you were gonna bust my chops for initiating. I know, I know. I actually do appreciate it. Eventually, your advice will get through my thick skull....

Dammit.

I think the biggest challenge for me is working with my "need to plan" personality. It is practically impossible for me to not schedule my time - especially during the work week.

And yeah, I should have just planned ot go to work tomorrow if he didn't call and said to Hell with it, he can reschedule.

I should have never called him. I should have let him call me.

Oh well. It's done.

And yes, I am questioning whether I want him back in a big way right now. I miss our old life, and I miss the person I thought I knew - but both options are truly dead. If we can recover from this, I will never be able to think of him as that same person again, and I don't much care for this new person.

It's funny, I looked at him on Sunday and thought that it's just him, it's just my same H. Same dopey smile. Same face. Same mannerisms.

But then there are days like today. Days when it's the alien I'm dealing with, and it makes me crazy.

And i do have to keep asking myself, "What self-respecting woman fights for a man who cheats on her?" Why would I want to be with him? Why would I want to run after someone who is walking away from me? Why should I think that this isn't just who he is. I mean, 11 years ago he kissed a girl he worked with after we'd been dating for three weeks. Then 4 years ago, he had something - who knows what - with a girl he worked with before we got married. And now here we are again - it's a girl that he sees when he eats lunch at work.

Short of putting him on house arrest, perhaps I am kidding myself here. I can't help but think that I deserve to be with someone that really does put me above all others.

And I can't help but feel like the pieces are coming together now. When he was acting crazy last Friday, calling every 5 minutes about Comcast or some other BS, he was at lunch.

Gee, I wonder where he was eating.

I'm sure all of his coworker-buddies know and think it's just great. None of them have any respect for women.

And now I see that his little hellhole of a place is a whopping 4 minutes and 56 seconds away from OW's restaurant. How convenient.

I can't help but feeling like I've been played for a fool - or rahter that I've allowed it. Perhaps I do need to just let go. I can't say that I'm hanging on right now because of love. It feels a whole lot more like anger.

I can't get it out of my head that I need to know about this girl. I need to know her full name, what she looks like, how her voice sounds, where she's from, where she lives, what her family is like.....

On and on. Ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

And then I want to know the real truth. How often he sees her. How many times he calls her. How often does he f*** her. How long has it really been going on. Does she know he's married. Does she know his little buddies.

And then I want to squash her like a bug.

At that point, I'd be done.

We'll see how it goes tomorrow. I need to do some serious praying tonight to help calm me down for when I see him tomorrow. The last thing I want is to explode on him. It would ruin my competative edge.

~Nas


"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4
Nasmat #1674519 12/16/08 04:08 AM
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Nas-

I have been going thru this since May. It is not easy. I have questioned many things about myself, my marriage and my family. I still do not know how I truly want this all to end. Well I know exactly what I want to happen, but it is out of my control.

Maybe you can be successful at a 180 by letting loose a little bit and not being so structured or planned in all of your actions. That is probably what I need to do as well... loosen up a little bit and go with the flow.

One last thing to remember. You do not need to call him.

Br44 #1674527 12/16/08 04:25 AM
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Nas
I know you are angry. It is not easy once you find out all these things about your H and OW.
I agree with MC. All the snooping will not help you and it will only hurt you more. You want to know about the OW.
What are you going to do with all this information?
Are you going to expose/confront them?
What is your ultimate goal?
I think it is time to drop the rope, stop react to him/his action.
Keep this in mind, you will not make the best decision when you are angry.
I hope you will be much calmer before tomorrow meeting.
Stay focus and you can do this.

NW626


Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
nw626 #1674636 12/16/08 12:08 PM
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Journal:

I woke up at 3:00 AM again - and at 6:30. At 3:00, it was another nightmare, another dream of this monster that inhabits my once-partner's body. And now, I woke up to cry. To cry and cry and cry and beg God to help me understand this, to help me to know what to do and what to feel.

And really, just to cry from the ache of it all. I keep asking myself why he would do this. I can't think about the person I knew and make sense of all of this.

How can he hurt me this badly? How can he stand it? how can he live with it?

Did I ever really know him at all?

Is every memory a lie? Was my every interpretation of him - who he was, what he was thinking, what he was doing - wrong?

It's like half of my life is being erased. The part of me that is him - that has grown into him over 11 years - is being wiped out.

I don't even know how to be myself right now because half of myself is him.

I don't know how I'm going to handle meeting with him today. Perhaps I should cancel. Perhaps I should get dressed, go to work, and avoid this altogether.

I need to drop the rope, and I need God's help to drop it because I don't think I can manage it on my own. Not now.

If I'm out with friends, I'm ok. If I'm busy, it's not so bad. But I'm wearing my friends down and I'm unable to distract myself sufficiently when I'm alone.

I sat beside the ocean on Sunday and was literally awed by the beauty of it. There was such light on the water despite the grayness of the day. There was such beauty that I still have no words for it. That light was God. I knew it then, and I know it now.

I am like a grain of sand on that ocean bottom, drifting in the dark currents, yearning upwards towards God but unable to reach those dazzling heights.

And on the murky bottom, I feel so alone.

The man I trusted with everything has abandoned me - has betrayed me. He is voluntarily cutting out my heart. He is making choices that ultimately force me to lose so much - not just his love, our marriage, our history - but this house I love that I do not know if I can afford. My car that I love that may cost too much. My sense of comfort and stability. My foundations, my dreams.

Everything is drifting away in the current, and I am but a grain of sand without a voice in my fate.

~Nas


"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4
Nasmat #1674672 12/16/08 01:28 PM
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Dammit, I can't decide if I should cancel or not.

I honestly don't feel like going. I don't feel like seeing him. I don't feel like dealing with it.

I just want to lay in bed and sleep.

Damn.

~Nas


"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4
Nasmat #1674680 12/16/08 01:39 PM
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Nas
I am sorry for your sadness.
Cry is ok, let it all out.

If you think it is best not to see him today, just cancel the meeting. You need a break from this.

We (LBS) always have this question ...why...why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
I wish I have an answer for you.
All the memories (good/bad) are REAL for you and your H. He is not the same person that you once know, at least not now and you may never find that person again.

Loneliness is not an easy feeling. Is there anything that you want to do by yourself? Like go for a run, gym, read, write...etc
Focus on something that you want to do that make you happy.

Use this time to work on yourself and you will be ready for your next lucky star. He may be your H to start a new R with or someone else, only time will tell.

God has his funny way to do things. It may not be the way that we want, but it is the right way. God has laid this challenge for you. I know you are a strong woman Nas. I know you will tackle this with your best of your ability. Once you have done the best that you can, what else God can ask for?

Just give it sometimes. The anger, sadness and loneliness will pass. At least it will not border you as much as before.

You are a strong and smart woman.
You can do this.

NW626


Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
nw626 #1674914 12/16/08 05:38 PM
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Well, he cancelled on me. He called while I was in the shower. He left a voicemail saying:

"Hey ____ [my pet name]. Just calling to tell you it's best we should probably reschedule. I called Comcast and they said they were supposed to be here between 8:00 and 1:00 not 8:00 and 12:00 like they told me yesterday. And they also said the guy is running late. Knowing them, they won't be here until 4:00 or 5:00. It's no hurry, though. We can reschedule whenever is convenient for you - later this week or next week or whenever. I'm gonna send you a text as well to make sure you get this. If you could give me a call back whenever you get a chance, I'd really appreciate it. I also wanted to say that I really appreciate you being so understanding and going out on a limb for me. I know things are crazy for us now, and I'm sorry that we have to go through all of this. Ok, well give me a call when you can. Take care. Bye ___ [pet name]."

Then he texted me:
---"Just left a voicemail. Unable to do today. Comcast is runnin late. Not in a hurry, we can do this whenever you're able to. The bill should come here. We'll handle it later. Thanks for being understanding. Call me when you can. Thanks ___ [my pet name]."

Then he called me fifteen minutes later.

And he called another 15 minutes later.

And then, 20 minutes later he called again, while I was on the phone with a friend. After several rings, I clicked over.

When I finally picked up, I explained that I'd gotten his message but was on a conference call. I told him it was no big deal but that I would probably need to reschedule for sometime in January - until then, I would just pay the bill online or transfer the money to his bank account. He said it was no problem, said he wasn't worried about any of that. He said he was really sorry for putting me through all of this, and that he wanted me to know that he really appreciates how understanding I'm being. He said he just wanted me to know that he feels really horribleabout everything. I told him I understand how he would feel that way and that it will be ok. He said he doesn't want me to think he doesn't care about me. He said he still cares about me alot and he really still wants "us to always be friends". He said he's sorry for putting "us" through all of this mess and that he's sorry that we have to deal with all of this financial stuff. I said, "I hear you, and I know you have to do what you have to do for yourself." I kept my tone very light. He sounded very down the entire conversation, and if I didn't know better, I would have thought he was on the verge of tears. He beat me to the f***ing punch by saying he didn't want to bother me any longer, that he knews I was busy. I told him to take care, and we got off the phone. Duration: 4 minutes, 25 seconds.

So, I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I will not allow myself to read into the conversation, nor will I allow myself feel upset about today. I've decided that I'm going to order some movies and some pizza and just have fun with my day.

God is great, and He works in mysterious ways. I am happy to be alive and have a little fun time with myself.

Love you all,
~Nas


"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4
nw626 #1674919 12/16/08 05:41 PM
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Thank you so much, NW626. I can't tell you how much your words mean to me.

Today I am going to do everything that I want to do - veg out, eat some junk food, go see friends tonight. I'm not going to let this get me down, and I'm not going to let some man or some girl drag me down. I am strong, and I am worth way more than that.

And God is with me. He is with all of us.

Thank you so much again. You really did lift my spirits tremendously. Thank you, and may God bless you and keep you always. \:\)

~Nas


"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4
Nasmat #1674938 12/16/08 06:03 PM
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Hey Nas,

So even though you didn't have the meeting today, He called, what? Four times, and sent a text...all to say the same thing. I am not even there and I am getting to know his script by heart. "sorry, don't want to hurt you" blah blah blah. So who won the pool?

I am really sorry to hear about your frustrating day yesterday...BUT - You did awesome this weekend AND you are doing great today:


Quote:
Today I am going to do everything that I want to do - veg out, eat some junk food, go see friends tonight. I'm not going to let this get me down, and I'm not going to let some man or some girl drag me down. I am strong, and I am worth way more than that.


Way to go!

Quote:
And God is with me. He is with all of us.


Absolutely! Let us not forget that when we (and I all too often forget) are hurting.

FM


Me: 41
W: 43
D13
D11
T/M 21/18
Bomb: 2/08
FamMan #1675584 12/17/08 01:46 PM
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Quote:
So even though you didn't have the meeting today, He called, what? Four times, and sent a text...all to say the same thing. I am not even there and I am getting to know his script by heart. "sorry, don't want to hurt you" blah blah blah.


It does get kind of redundant, doesn't it? I'm actually glad that we didn't meet yesterday. I wasn't in the right place mentally, and I ended up having a good day regardless.

Thanks so much for stippoing in to offer support. It really, really helps! \:\)

God bless,
~Nas


"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4
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