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Hey, everyone! Hmmm, not sure I'm posting in the right place. I apologize if I am.
This is my second thread as my first thread locked. You can find it here .
I've calmed down a bit. Thanks very much to MC for giving me some perspective. You're so right - I do need to look at the positive side.
I am ultimately miles above the OW even if he's in the fog right now.
He's still contacting me.
We're still friendly.
There's no ugliness in terms of settling right now.
I know about the A.
There are no kids involved.
I'm able to financially survive without him.
I have an extremely supportive network of friends and family.
Today is just rotten. I feel as though I hate him, and then oops - I look at an old picture that I forgot to take down at my office and all of the "woe is me; I'm so sad; how could he; what happened" s*** comes back.
Hells yeah to the rollercoaster.
And MC, no worries about the drinking. I'm not a big drinker - in fact, I haven't had a drink since this all happened. No worries there.
I do smoke like chimney, but I was doing that before all this rot.
"Don't dream it. Be it."
Most of these intense feelings will pass. I look at it now as though my W is a drug addict or alcoholic. You can not enable them. They have to hit rock-bottom on their own. They will lie, cheat, steal to get what they want.
Overall, they are just messed up. But, remember, it is not your fault and there isn't much you can do except concentrate on YOU.
I just wanted to say that reading your rants have made me feel a little better. I'm trying to read through as many sitchs as possible but yours is the only one I've found so far that expresses the rage in almost the same thoughts running through my head.
And I'm adopting your characterization of H as a stranger wearing your H's body. That really resonates with me and I'm hoping it will help me deal with no good, rotten, cheating BF.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks, MC, for all of your advice and support. It really does help. I'm trying to start concentrating on me. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.
Hi, pearlharbr! I'm glad my ranting and raving helped a bit. It's exhausting, isn't it? I find myself consumed with rage for hours and then my body will just shut down - I get tired and then the sadness creeps in. I wish you the best of luck in your sitch (I'll swing by to take a look and offer some support - sorry I haven't made it sooner - been a bit of a Taker lately). God bless you, and stay strong. They say it only gets better from here.
My H tried to contact me tonight. He sent a text at 8:09 that said "Sorry to keep bothering u." I didn't reply. He then called at 8:11. I was out with friends and didn't answer. He then called at 9:43 - was still out, and still didn't answer.
No voicemail. Nothing. I'll call him tomorrow. I'm sure he's just trying to rush along and make sure I know he's coming to get his s*** on Sunday - or to try and speed things up and get stuff tomorrow.
He'll just have to wait. I'm tired of accomodating him.
The sad thing is, it's killing me to not respond because I'm curious. I know it's his first night in his new place, and some sick part of myself wonders if he's not feeling a little lonely and missing me. The rational part of my brain is stomping on that part of my heart and reminding me that in all likelihood he's with the OW and just trying to get his eggs in a basket so he can feel comfortable in his bachelor pad.
He cancelled his plans to get drinks with our mutual friend tonight - surprise, surprise. I got home from work today and found that he'd taken a bunch of stuff - lots of clothes, a lot of his things - so not just that "spare wallet" he needed.
It hurt like Hell, but right now I'm just exhausted. I almost want all of his stuff out now just so that I can feel the pain and get over it.
Goodnight and God bless, ~Nas
"Don't dream it. Be it."
It's 5:39 in the mroning and I cannot sleep. I woke up from more nightmares of him leaving, and now here I am, awake and smoking in my little office.
Sometimes, this is all so surreal. Sunday will mark a month to the day that he first brought up the subject of "talking about our marriage". I cannot believe that so much has happened in such little time. In just under a month, the man I knew and loved disappeared, and he's been replaced with a stranger that I cannot understand.
I keep asking myself how he can do this. How can he hurt me so bad, again and again? How can he walk away from everything we were working towards? How can he discard me - our life, our friendship, our bond, our history, our love - so easily? How can he have given up without even truly trying?
Sure, he may have been giving up for a long time now, but I can't understand not articulating any of that until he's already decided it's over.
Maybe it was never truly right. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I did hang on for the wrong reasons.
But I still feel so much love and so much loss. It is almost unbearable.
And I know him - if he's hurting, he's repressing it. He's hiding from it. He's running from it. He's drowning it, pretending it doesn't exist and chasing it away with his new girl and his new friends.
He's trying to erase everything.
When his mother died, I watched his father, and I should have known then. My H always idolized his father, always is seeking his approval and trying to be like him. Not even a week after his mom died, his father was already dating another woman. He married that other woman several years later, removed all of their family pictures, and went about life as though his wife and the mother of his children never existed except for an occassional comment or two. When she died, his father never even cried around the children. Not once.
So there you have it. I have to accept the great likelihood that my H is doing the same thing - will do the same thing. Instead of dealing with the pain, considering the situation, etc - he'll just rush out and make a new life.
Who knows. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll never know either way.
I feel as though I cannot think of anything now. If I think of high school, he's there. If I think of college, he's there. If I think of my adult life, he's there.
I have to take myself so far back to remember a time without him that I cannot even remember a person that resembles me without remembering him.
He has literally been the most important person in half of my sentient life. How does one walk away from that?
I am filled with a sadness without borders, without boundaries. My every dream for the future is dead. My every memory of the past is dead.
There is only this moment, and this moment is only pain.
I hurt so much, and the only comfort I want is the comfort I cannot have - my friend, my partner, my husband.
Do people really do this? Do people really walk away from their history without a backwards glance, becoming a new person and forsaking everything that once mattered to them?
Maybe it won't go south with the OW. Maybe he'll like this new life. Maybe he'll stick around and try to make it work as he tried to make us work.
I know that I have to move on. I know that I have to drop the rope, that I cannot allow this thing to swallow my whole life - to swallow me. But it just hurts so bad.
He's not only betrayed me as a husband. He's betrayed me as a friend.
I'm thinking of my grandma right now. She's 87 years old. We just visited her in September, and we'd had a really wonderful trip. My H loves my grandma so much, and I think to myself, "How can he do this to her?" She's at the end of her life, and now she is faced with losing a grandson, with watching him walk away.
We were going to help my grandma with her car payments. When we visited, he hugged her so many times, played cards with her, took her to Red Lobster and made her so happy.
My grandma's two wishes in life were to see me graduate from college and to see me married. I'm so sorry that she now has to see me divorced.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think. I feel as though I'll never stop hurting.
I miss him so much. I miss my husband and my friend. I miss the boy that took my to my senior prom and watched me get crowned Queen. I miss my friend that wrote me letters and poems. I miss my friend that watched zombie movies with me on the couch and that snuggled in bed with me and our dog. I miss my friend that sobbed with me at his mother's grave. I miss my friend that was always there to comfort me, that was there to help me move in and out of apartments and dorm rooms. I miss my friend that bought me silly stuffed animals and wrote me long cards for my birthday. I miss my friend that made tents with me in our living room out of sheets and watched werewolf movies with me on my 26th birthday because I just wanted to be silly. I miss my friend that bought me a fish in my first year of college so that I wouldn't be lonely. I miss my friend that drew me a batha nd held me close this past summer when i thought my father might die. I miss my friend that made up silly names for our animals and who cried in my arms when his boyhood dog died this past summer. I miss my friend that smoked with me on our back patio and talked about all of our dreams. I miss my friend that was so nervous when he proposed that he forgot to get down on one knee, whose hands were shaking like leaves.
Where did that person go? I want that person back. I feel like this new man has killed my friend, has killed my husband, has killed the good person I knew so well.
I am lost. I am drifting. I have no compass, no north star. This new life is a wilderness without heat, without comfort, without a safe place to rest.
I feel broken, as though I cannot continue.
There is only God, now. I lay myself at God's feet. It is God who must carry us all.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
--- W.H. Auden
"Don't dream it. Be it."
I felt the same way when I first found out. It hurts so much and you need to grieve. Have a good cry - A lot of my long term friends were shocked as they had never seen me cry before!! We all understand here and it will get better.
I found it helped to have some time out. Are you able to go stay with friends for a few days? Get out of the "normal" environment. Re-charge and look after yourself - you are the most important person now.
Thanks so much for the advice, Samina. I know that I need to let myself grieve, and I'm trying. It's such a rollercoaster, and it's so bloody hard. I don't think I've ever cried this much in my entire life.
I took a trip to Chicago to get out when this all happened, and I've been spending alot of times with friends here. It does help, although sometimes it gets to be too much. Life is exhausting right now.
"Don't dream it. Be it."
So, I missed part of his text messages last night. He sent several, but I only saw one until now. Here's how it went.
8:08 PM, 1st text: ---"Hope it was ok that I took a good bit of stuff. I'll pick up more stuff Sunday. When are you busy Sunday I got plans too but I'll be free evening/night."
8:09 PM, 2nd text: ---"Also what day again for us to go down to Comcast?"
8:09 PM, 3rd text: ---"Sorry to keep bothering you."
And then he called at 8:11 and 9:43.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? Why is he being such an a**?
First of all, if I did care that he took a bunch of his s***, what the Hell could I do about it? I have ZERO f***ing power in this situation. He had the affair. He had the problems he didn't talk about. He gave up. He asked for the divorce. He moved out and got a place.
Why hurt me like this? Why? Why become another person? It's so f***ing pointless, although I suppose it makes it easier on him - the person I knew would not be able to live with himself. It's not like I'm fighting him, and he should know that if he does piss me off enough, it's just gonnna get ugly. He knows how ugly I can get.
Seriously, I have to accept that this alien has no love or respect for me regardless of what I hear in his voice, see in his eyes, and most of all, regardless of the things he wrote and the words he's said.
I have to wonder if it's the OW in his ear, his friends, his fickleness, his family - or all four. I just want to shake him and say that just because we're getting a D it doesn't mean he has to be a giant a**hole.
And yay, he's busy Sunday. Good for him. I get it. He's out with his slut and jazzing up his bachelor pad. Good for him. Why rub it in my f***ing face. Not to mention he's the one that suggested noon on Sunday. He hardly had any attention span or memory when we were married, and now it's a 100 times worse.
And the Comcast thing? Are you kidding me? I told him yesterday that we'd do it sometime next week. What the f*** is the rush? What the f*** is his problem?
Will someone please give me a ray gun so that I can zap the f***ing alien that is destroying my life.
So the more I think about this, the more I know I need to set boundaries and stop accomodating him. He can come when it's convenient for me. I am SICK of being accomodating. I am sick of dealing with this alien that abducted the person I knew. The person I knew had my respect and love and patience - I would work with that person. THIS person is going to work on my f***ing timetable.
He needs to get all of his s*** on Sunday. None of this coming day-by-day bulls***. We can go to Comcast when I f***ing feel like going. We will decide about the house and car when I am ready.
I'm tired of playing his games. I am sick and tired of making this easy for him.
I'm not telling him any of this until I cool down, but there it is.
I am a strong woman, and I will not be played for a fool.
P.S. And I'm still sad, which sucks. I just want to shake him and tell him to stop stabbing me in my heart already. i get it. He's done. He's moving on. What, does he want a f***ing cookie?
"Don't dream it. Be it."