How to know when to let go PT2????

[Tomato]

Hi Pa girl!

[sandi2]

Kristi, you stay on the board as much as you need to. This will be hard with your anniversary and holidays coming right behind it. That was thoughtless of your H to do that little number on you. It is as though he wants to do something so you can be sure to see him and get him in your mind so he won't lose his "place" there. I know that ticks you off and it would me also. There is just no easy way around this or through it. But getting friends to be with so you won't be alone is the best thing. I know it seems as though everyone has a partner at parties, but you are just starting out. People who have lost their spouse always feel that way when they go anywhere there is a lot of folks. They feel like a fifth wheel on a car. It just takes time. Believe me, you are not the only one that does not have somebody right now. If you could find a buddy to go with you to these parties, it would help you not feel so out of place. Even another lady would at least help you not feel so alone and you'd have somebody there to talk to when you felt all the "couples" were nose to nose in dancing or conversation.

Just come here as much as you want and vent all you want to. We are here for you.

Sandi

[Amy M]

Kristi...glad the party turned out to be fun. It does get easier to go without a date...I did that Saturday night for the office party. I was the only one without a date, but, I still had a blast. You'll get there!!!!

Hopefully, you and S had a great time last night. Just stay busy for the next few weeks. I know the anniversary will be tough...so, if you have plans to keep your mind off of it...that will be better.

At least your H took his things in front of you...when the weather turned cold, my H came and took a few of his winter clothes while I wasn't at home. Then, he tried to cover up that he'd done it. I was mad about that...so, for the next few weeks, everytime he came over to get the boys or drop them off, I had a stack of clothes ready to go with him. That helped me feel in control of the sitch which I needed at the time. Maybe that's something you should think about.

I'll keep checking in on you this week. Take care and stay busy!!!

Love ya!
Amy

[Kristi R]

Well last night I was reading a book about how to heal and get rid of anger and resentment and move on to try and heal your relationship, whether your together or not.

Here is what I wrote:

H, These past few weeks have been extremely hard. I think that has been evident in our conversations and interactions. I hope you know that the words I spoke over the past several weeks were out of anger, hurt, frustration and really just from a dark place.
At this point all I want you to know is that I will continue to work on learning to trust you. I am not going to do this because you and I will ever be together, I know we won't. I am doing this because I want to. I don't like the person I am when I can not trust you. It is my desire to learn to forgive all that has happened because I don't like the bitterness or the cynical way I act when I feel like I can not have faith in you. That is not the person I was when we met and I do not want to live like that going forward.
I also want you to know that as much as I do not want you to leave my life, I accept and understand that it is your wish to do so. So please be happy. Live your live knowing you will always be loved. Live knowing that you were always loved. As of now, I no longer think of you as my husband, my lover, or the person who should be here with me. You are now just ..., a man I loved more than life. A superior father, a great friend, and a very dedicated worker. Goodbye ... - I say this so you know I am letting you go. You are out of my life as you wished. It is the hardest goodbye letter I think I will ever write in my life, as I still do not want to say that to you. But you are right it is necessary. You need to be free. You need to go on and do what makes you happy. And in time I will do the same. I will not fight you anymore. I don't have it in me to fight someone I love and care about so much.....


That was my letting him go letter, I needed to let him know that I couldn't keep the anger going anymore because it was eating me up. I love him with all my heart but I can not continue to fight with him. If he needs to be out of my life than I will have to learn to accept that. As unnatural as it was to write that letter and as hard as it was to do, it needed to be done.

He sent me back a text, saying he got it but needed time to process what I was saying. I thought it was pretty clear. I am not sure what needs to be processed. In time we can possibly be friends but to constantly fight is killing me. I realized that I have suffered long enough. I know I will continue to suffer and I am sure that these next few weeks/months will be more than difficult because I still do not want him gone but I can no longer think of him as my H. He is just a man. Whatever he does it is his life now, not our life. That concept is really hard to crasp. But I understand. It will hurt terribly to watch him move on, date and be happy without me. But I love him enough to let him go.

I can't stand the person I have become. I was never so bitter or angry. I hate that I feel so dependent on him. I realized that I held him responsible for how our relationship would go. If he treated me great, I treated him great. If he treated me lousy or rejected me.. I did the same. I don't know that I did it on purpose, I guess I just realized that I did it because I felt if he isn't going to show me love then why should I show him.

But now I know that if I truly love him the way I say I do, then I would show him that no matter what. It doesn't matter if he wants to leave or what he says or how he hurts me. I love him. And he needs to know that. He needs to see that. NOt just hear it. So I took a big step in saying goodbye. I told him I will not fight and I won't. I know that will be hard and I am sure everytime I want to yell or scream I will be here yellling and screaming on these boards. But I can't do this any logner to myself or my kids.

I know he is leaving. HE has proven that over and over. I think this weekend with his getting his stuff out was just the final blow I needed to see that he means business. He isn't coming back. He doesn't want to, and in all honesty I haven't given him any good reasons to come back. So maybe in time it will be different who knows. Maybe not. I guess we will just wait and see. But until then I have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute.

I miss him very much, but a lot of the anger has passed. All the hurtful words do not seem to matter right now. They were just words. The loss is what is what I am having the harder time dealing with.

Thanks for all your support.
I really needed it and will continue to need it now on this journey.

Love you all

Kristi

[sandi2]

Wow Kristi, don't make it sound like a good-bye letter to us too! We want you to stay with us, sweetie. You will need us to get through all of this.....b/c well b/c we are so terrific! Okay, not funny, but I am trying to get you to see that it is not over for you. Well, let me do my "Sandi thing" here:

That is not the person I was when we met and I do not want to live like that going forward.

Ahhhh, now I liked that statement very much! It showed a heck of a lot of PMA. That told him more than all the previous sentences before you said that. It tells him that you are not going to sit around on your backside crying a river over him and that you plan to start living again.....and it will be without him! Love it....I just love it, girl. You see, you do have spunk!

As of now, I no longer think of you as my husband, my lover, or the person who should be here with me.

You are now just ..., a man I loved more than life.

Yeah, that was good. It tells him what he has lost.

I say this so you know I am letting you go. You are out of my life as you wished.

Yep, it was his choice, glad you reminded him of that.

I thought the rest of it was a little thick, but that's okay, it was you and your way of talking and what you wanted to say. Now, the hard part, Kristi, will be sticking to your word. Can you do that? You must do that unless......unless he had a complete turn around and comes to his senses and wakes up and begs you to take him back and let everything else he has on the side.....go for good. And, I think he would have to prove it first. But that is just me.

He sent me back a text, saying he got it but needed time to process what I was saying. I thought it was pretty clear. I am not sure what needs to be processed.

Well, I use to not know this about men, but the truth is that they have to have time for it to soak into their minds what we women have said to them. After it soaks, then they have to let it stir around in there a while. Then finally after so long of a time, it dawns upon them what we were saying! That is what they mean when they say they "have to process it". Interesting, huh? The differences between the sexes. You know that science has proven that men are born brain damaged. It's true! I wouldn't make something like that up. I watched it on TV. That is why it takes them so long to figure things out......and to "process" what has been said.....especially by a woman.....and most especially if she is his wife.

I realized that I have suffered long enough.

It is called self survival, baby. You have got to get out and not let him pull you down with him and drown you both.

I know I will continue to suffer and I am sure that these next few weeks/months will be more than difficult because I still do not want him gone but I can no longer think of him as my H.

You probably have never spoken more truer words in your life. The next few weeks, and especially this time of year, may feel like hell on earth for you. It will take more strength than you have ever needed on your worst day. But Kristi, you have shown us, and shown him, that you can have that strength. You made the first move toward that strength when you sent that letter. Getting through it will be tough and I won't pretend it will be any other way, but there are a lot of women right here on this board that have chosen to do what you have. They have chosen not to be a pile of poop and instead they have decided to stand up and find their self respect and have some grit and spunk and go out there and get a life. "He is just a man"....that is right. He is just a man......you can live without him. You may feel that he is the very air you breathe, but he is not. You will find that out little by little and every day that you make it through without him and find out you can stand on your own two, very proud, feet.....you will learn to love Kristi more and more.

Whatever he does it is his life now, not our life. That concept is really hard to crasp. But I understand. It will hurt terribly to watch him move on, date and be happy without me. But I love him enough to let him go.

Yes, my darling girl, that really is true love. It is sad love, but given in the right way it is one of the greatest loves (outside of laying down your life) that I can see between a man and woman. To set the one you love free b/c he no longer wants to be with you, and know that it is going to hurt so much to see him happy without you.....that is love. You are being realistic to know that he will date and you won't be his life any longer....you won't be the most important person to him anymore....and yet you are willing to let him go b/c that is what he wants.....that is very unselfish love. But, it is also self preservation. As you said, you cannot continue the way you have b/c it is killing you.

I can't stand the person I have become. I was never so bitter or angry. I hate that I feel so dependent on him. I realized that I held him responsible for how our relationship would go. If he treated me great, I treated him great. If he treated me lousy or rejected me.. I did the same. I don't know that I did it on purpose, I guess I just realized that I did it because I felt if he isn't going to show me love then why should I show him.

But that is all in the past now. Learn from this experience and become a better person b/c of it.

He isn't coming back. He doesn't want to, and in all honesty I haven't given him any good reasons to come back. So maybe in time it will be different who knows. Maybe not. I guess we will just wait and see. But until then I have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute.

Okay, for one thing, please stop beating yourself down until you will never be able to stand back up. You have punished yourself enough.....deal? Yes, you do have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute. You know what that takes? It takes a lot of work! It takes planning for every thing in advance, so that you won't be alone when there are special events coming up, or you just know that you are going to have a lonly weekend ahead or just to stay busy. It means "forcing" yourself to get out of your comfort zone and go to some new places....and maybe even alone (which will feel scary...but fake it) and it means to learn to try new things that you haven't allowed yourself to do before. It means meeting new people and making new friends. That means that you have to be bold and not wait for somebody else to walk up to you....but instead YOU walk up to them and say, "Hi, I'm Kristi" and start from there. So many people are in that boat with you sweetheart. It doesn't take your pain away, but just know that you are not as alone as you may think. I don't know how many friends you have, but turn to the ones you have. If they are toxin to you right now....then don't get around them. If your relatives give you a hard time....stay away. Find people that make you feel good and energize you and help to build your self esteem until you are strong enough that you can do it on your own. If you are a Christian, go to a good church that will feed your soul and you will leave feeling great that you went. There are so many things out there, honey, that I want you to run after. Please, I beg of you, don't sit home and waste your life pining away for this man.

I know that my stitch is nothing like yours, but if I had the opportunity to have another chance at "life" and take all I could get.....I would inhale in for all it was worth. I went to the doctor today and he looked at me and I brust into tears. I could not even talk for several minutes. He asked me why I was so depressed and I finally told him b/c this desease has robbed me of almost everything in my life. My greatest fear is ending up completly bedfast. I had rather be dead than live like that. So, if you are healthy, go for the gusto, as they use to say. Enjoy life and all that it has to offer b/c you don't know when that may be taken away. Sorry, I didn't mean to have my own little pity party, I was just trying to make a point with you. I wanted so badly to try to tell you that your life is far from over. You are young and have many years ahead of you.....and hopefully, healthy and full of fun and loving years. That's all......just make every day count. Do the very best to be your best, Kristi. I believe in you! I know you can do this. I want you to take very good care of yourself. You come back as often as you need to and as many times a day as you need to and talk, vent, whatever......and we will be here for you.....okay?

Love,
Sandi

[Kristi R]

Hi Sandi,

Sticking to what I said is going to be extremely hard, but I know I have to do it. Looking back over the last year that has been a HUGE problem for me. I would always say things like well I am not going to talke to you..or I am done, or that won't happen again..you get the point and it ALWAYS happened again. I don't think he had much confidence in me to keep my word.

I always meant what I said and I stuck with it for few days sometimes weeks but when I didn't get the results I was looking for I just fell back into old habit really quickly. I never gave it another thought until I realized what I did and then I would do it all over again.

So many times I would hear him say.."yeah I heard that before"..and I would get so frustrated mostly with myself because I knew that I did that. I never did follow through. For things that were unnatural and painful I didn't want to let go. I clung and hung on so hard that I know I didn't allow him to see that we could have made a comeback.

This time I have to do this, not just for him, but for me. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can let go even though I don't want to. I know I don't have a choice. He is going anyway. So hanging on isn't doing me any good. The fighting isn't doing me any good. The holding onto resentment isn't doing me any good.

If he can't see what I can. And he doesn't know what I know, which is that we ABSOLUTELY could have been fabulous together. If he doesn't have that awareness and willingess to see it I can not fault him for it. He just doesn't have it. And it is his loss. Its all of our losses.

He is a very intelligent man, I think he understands what I am saying, so to say he needs time to process it, I think is more of his way of saying he needs to see this in action to believe it. To hear the words doesn't really make an effect on him, yet, but when he starts to notice that I am not there telling him how much I love him anymore and that I want him back. And that I won't fight with him, I think he may be surprised. I think only then will he believe what I said. How that will effect him. I don't know. He may be relieved that I finally let go or he may not. That of course is something only time will tell.

As much as he tells me to move on, I secretely think he enjoys having me reinforce my feelings over and over to him. He doesn't have to return them but it makes him feel good about himself. Now he won't have that, he may just go out and find it somewhere else, and that will hurt. But I can't cry the way I do all the time. I want to enjoy life, not dread what is left of it because I lost my H and my marriage ended.

I still wish this wasn't happening and I wish I could do something about it, but I can't.

Thanks for being so great.

I hope one day I can return the favor to you.
take care of yourself. You are an amazing woman.

Love
Kristi

[sandi2]

I always meant what I said and I stuck with it for few days sometimes weeks but when I didn't get the results I was looking for I just fell back into old habit really quickly. I never gave it another thought until I realized what I did and then I would do it all over again.

You are not alone in that category. We have all done that before. It is probably one of the hardest things to do is stick to what you determine in your mind at that time. Then when a few days pass, it gets tough. So, you know what is facing you and I think you are being very realistic about it and that is why I believe you will be able to do this, Kristi. Plus you have your friends here to encourage you. And, BTW, if you venture out to other people's stories and read there posts, you know it is okay for you to say something to them. You know what a lot of women in your shoes are going through and you could probably give them some words of experience. That also will help you to stick to your resolve.

So many times I would hear him say.."yeah I heard that before"..and I would get so frustrated mostly with myself because I knew that I did that. I never did follow through.

Yeah, sounds like me telling my H that I am going on a diet......and he just rolls his eyes b/c he has heard it so many times and I don't follow through. So, let's just make a believer out of ourself.....I am with you! May be different circumstances and yours is more serious in a way than mine is, but my doctor said I either had to lose the weight or face some very serious consequences, so I have got to face my weaknesses and get out of my comfort zone, also, and do what is hard for me to do. It might sound "crazy" to even compare the two challenges, but a challenge is a challenge.....regardless of what area of our life it may be. The important thing is to have each other's support. You have mine......so I hope I will have yours.....okay? I will need you to urge me on and keep telling me that I can beat this thing and I can get better.

This time I have to do this, not just for him, but for me. I need to prove to myself that I can do this.

That is why I think you will do it this time, Kristi. It is for you and you feel that you must do this for you and to prove this to you.....it goes back to all that self respect. I know if I lose all this weight that my self esteem will rise again. I know I will feel better about myself for a hundred different reason. But most of all, I know I must do this if I am going to live.

And it is his loss. Its all of our losses.

Yes it is sweetie. So, like I said, just learn from the past and stop beating yourself up b/c you cannot grow and get better as long as you beat yourself down all the time. Did you realize that? We have to have those little talks to ourselves and give ourselves all that affirmation that we need. May feel silly at first, but it works. You have to believe in yourself before you can improve. Just look at yourself in that mirror and tell yourself how good you are, how strong a person you are, how smart you are, and that you will do this. In fact, just silently (if you are around people...lol) talk to yourself all day and keep telling yourself these things to reinforce your strength.

He is a very intelligent man, I think he understands what I am saying, so to say he needs time to process it, I think is more of his way of saying he needs to see this in action to believe it.

I'm sure he is and I hope I was not offensive when in my statements about the men and their reasons for having to process what we say. I was just trying to give you a laugh (my weird sense of humor...again) b/c I give the guys a hard time.

I am sure he is going to miss you feeding his ego and him not having to put forth any effort to return any emotional support to you. Sounds pretty selfish to me. I know there will be days that the tears will come for you, but just keep making yourself push forward. AmyM is doing it and just the same day that you made your decision to drop the rope and move on.....so did Tawyna. So, that is just three of you right there all in a matter of a short period of time. The three of you can support one another. But there are many, many more here on the board just like you. I hope you will seek them out and you all help one another.

Again, I will be here for you. I may not say all the things you need to hear, but I will be a friend for you to vent to. I do believe in you b/c I think you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I think we all are.

I hope you have a good day. Will be thinking about you.

Take care,
Sandi

[Tawnya]

{{{{Kristi}}}} Sandi told me that we were having a "similar sitch" moment this past weekend and so I headed over here to give you hugs and encouragement and another shoulder if you need one my friend!

I had posted on your sitch when you very first started due to our similarities, but then I think I saw Sandi (the wonderful woman) take you under her wing..so I stopped checking in on you, and I apologize for that!

You know WOW you are so much stronger than you think you are to have written a letter like that..WOWOWOW..give yourself a huge amount of credit for that..that takes amazing guts and strength my friend!!

When you wrote "What he does is his life not our life and that is hard to grasp"..THAT is so exactly how I feel..it just feels so crazy and wrong..but we DO have to love them enough..and you know what, LOVE OURSELVES enough to let them go and do what they think they need to do..

Sandi's right about having to be super strong with Christmas coming up and New Year's and not feeling like "caving" from what we've said in our stand for ourselves..but my mom told me yesterday, she said "your one and only goal for Christmas should be just to GET THRU IT and be proud that you did"..

I'm taking a trip to meet up with some ladies from the board this weekend, but it will be the FIRST TIME in my 39 years that I have driven like 5-6 hours by myself like that anywhere..so that's kinda cool and scary all at the same time..

Hugs to you!

Tawnya

[Kristi R]

TAWNYA,

That is so awesome to take that kind of trip. Have a blast.

Thanks for checking in on me. Its been really kind of surreal the past couple of days. Some moments I can't believe I sent that. I know I NEED to let go but letting go is so hard. But looking back I guess he has been gone for so long and I don't know what I am really holding on too. The memories and the desire to have him back I guess. But he is not really present so the pain I keep causing myself over and over by trying just isn't worth it.

Your mom is a smart women. Just getting thru the Holidays should be the only goal. I will be soooooo happy when they are over with. I haven't even bought any gifts yet. I am in serious denial about them. I just want to push Christmas as far away as possible and hope that it doesn't happen. But I can't do that for my kids they need to celebrate.

I wish you the best of luck this holiday season. If there is anything I can do for you. IF you need to vent or talk.. you can reach out to me any time. Have a wonderful trip. Be safe driving and enjoy yourself.

I can't thank Sandi enough for sending you wonderful ladies my way. You have all been so inspirational and life savors when you didn't even know you were.

Thanks again.

Love
Kristi

[Tawnya]

{{{Kristi}}} I really know what you mean about "what are we hanging on to"..I think we are hanging on to what we THINK it should be, what we know it was, and what we know it COULD be if only they'd see it that way too and realize that we are WORTH it..

I guess, though, in reality, we need to realize WE ARE worth it, realize and mean that it is "their loss", and keep putting one foot in front of the other and someone learning to love ourselves and one day we'll wake up and realize we are okay without them or with them..

Don't beat yourself up by wondering why you are still hanging on, this is a person you've spent 12 years of your life with, you are totally allowed to feel 100 different ways, and sometimes all within the same day *LOL*..sometimes within the same minute if you are like me LOL

Thank YOU for telling me I can come vent and the same holds true for you and, I tell you what, let's just help each other get thru this next few weeks..and realize that 2009 will be the year of US (sounds crazy to me..but we need something to look forward to eh?)

Tawnya