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#1683168 - 12/30/08 01:17 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Hi Bridge nice to see you back here.

My R is in the friendship stage. Has been for quite some time and its getting old. I understood her being cautious for the first six months or so into the friendship stage. I welcomed it and was glad we were there but now it is just frustrating. Being that close to someone and not being able to physically touch them, continually holding yourself back, waiting for them to come around is difficult.

I feel like she is just choosing the parts of being M that she wants and is totally disregarding the parts the I want. Thatís not what I think being M is. Again I understood it had to be that way for a while for her to accept who I am now but what more do I have to do? How much more do I have to prove? Why is it like pulling teeth to get her to just go once to MC?

I want more out of my R then to be a room mate that helps with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yardwork etcÖ.. We have redone the landscaping, repainted our living room and we are going to do our family room and kitchen after the holiday. And we have bought a new couch and stuff for the living room. All this in the last year. Its called being M without any benefits and not how I want to live the rest of my life or even the next couple of months.

She seems fine with it, like what I want does not matter. Its called being selfish and self centered. I feel myself pulling away and I am not sure that it really matters anymore. Iím to the point where I am tired of putting forth all this effort and getting nothing in return. I hate this feeling but I hate the fact that she will not tell me how she is feeling and what she is thinking more. I see going to work as my refuge from dealing with it all. I almost prefer to be there than at home.

I know how this sounds, I have reread it over and over debating on whether I should post it or not but its how I am feeling at the moment. Maybe it is just a passing thing or maybe its time to change my approach and go cold. Last night when I got home her and my D were at the movies. When she got home she started to tell me about the movie and I could all but care less about what she was saying to me. I did not like that feeling either. I need to give myself a couple of days and then really think about my sitch and how I plan on proceeding from here without all these emotions getting in the way
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#1683269 - 12/30/08 03:13 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Tim,

Many good points coming from Mike.

Quote:
tell her you're done and force her hand to do something one way or another..


I actually think you are at this point. Negotiation. You are out of options and you need to find out what, if anything, she's willing to do.

I was thinking about the XH too, and I know you have been good not snooping and all that. But something ain't right with her.

Although frustrated, you sound calm. Stay strong. Do what you gotta do.

Whiskey


hell I don't know..I'm a big fan of the 180..if it ain't working then do something just to see what the hell they do...maybe they get scared and snap out of it..maybe they say alright then..we just divorce..my advice..get your crap together and stuff straight for whatever their reaction is and deal with it..

what ever route you chose if your heads not where it needs to be and you're not emotionally centered then your pretty much screwed anyway..IMO

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#1683377 - 12/30/08 05:39 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ndsmhelp Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/08
Posts: 869
Quote:
She seems fine with it, like what I want does not matter. Its called being selfish and self centered. I feel myself pulling away and I am not sure that it really matters anymore. Iím to the point where I am tired of putting forth all this effort and getting nothing in return. I hate this feeling but I hate the fact that she will not tell me how she is feeling and what she is thinking more. I see going to work as my refuge from dealing with it all. I almost prefer to be there than at home.

I know how this sounds, I have reread it over and over debating on whether I should post it or not but its how I am feeling at the moment. Maybe it is just a passing thing or maybe its time to change my approach and go cold. Last night when I got home her and my D were at the movies. When she got home she started to tell me about the movie and I could all but care less about what she was saying to me. I did not like that feeling either. I need to give myself a couple of days and then really think about my sitch and how I plan on proceeding from here without all these emotions getting in the way


Man...did I write that, or did you? I'm getting the "benefits" and still came to feel this way...more so after her little reminder that nothing has changed the other night.

That's my quandary, also....after these last few months of some serious progression(IMO), do I just do a 180 and stop being that kind, loving husband...give her what she says she wants? Cut off all the closeness and go cold?

We have people coming over for New Year's Eve, and I am off today with the task of getting things started..clean up and some shopping... while she is at work. Having a hard time not being the old me and just blowing it off....let her take care of it all like she used to.
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Me46
W39
D19
M20
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#1683406 - 12/30/08 06:17 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ndsmhelp]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
NDS,

Its ridiculous all this BS that they keep saying to us. I was thinking about what you had posted yesterday about all the stuff you have been doing with your W around the house as a couple. Things that M people do. It really struck a nerve with me and I was going to write this long post but decided not too. As I wrote in an earlier post I have been doing this also figuring that it is a 180 to just ignoring these things that will make the house look nicer and in return its something she has been saying needed done for a while. I feel they want the benefits of a husband but only to a certain extent.

Iím not asking for a lot, I really am not. All I want is some insight into her thoughts and feelings. All I want is the truth about what she wants and where she sees us going. I donít want that fu**ing canned response of ďtake it one day at a timeĒ or ďIts getting better.Ē They are cop outs. I donít necessarily need her to ML to me but give me some feed back. Some indication that she is working towards that stuff. Give me a branch to grab onto.

I know you are the same way. It seems so good but just not good enough. You feel that you are so close, that what you are doing is working but then they are like nope not yet. You like me need to do what you feel is right. I think my time is approaching fast for a final talk with her in which BS answers will not cut it. Its either commit or end this farce. Iím tired of having the worst of both worlds. I have the constraints of being M without the benefits of being loved but not the freedom of being single but being alone. Iím married, feel unloved and alone. Not what I signed up for.

Mike & Whiskey I have thought about the OM and if she is still talking to him. It goes away but does come back when I wonder why she is still so distant in the physical department and unwilling to commit. Grow the fu** up is all that comes to my mind.
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#1683421 - 12/30/08 06:40 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Quote:
Mike & Whiskey I have thought about the OM and if she is still talking to him. It goes away but does come back when I wonder why she is still so distant in the physical department and unwilling to commit.


and that may just be your answer..and you know the drill there..get caught snooping..major setback, snoop and find something, major setback, snoop and find nothing, maybe a setback for you also..

but you'll know.

Limbo sucks..but also know some on here have been doing this for a long, long time..longer than a year..a few for a couple of years..

it's all about how strong, patient and emotionally centered you can keep yourself while they sort their crap out..

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#1683435 - 12/30/08 06:53 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ndsmhelp Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/08
Posts: 869
Quote:
I know you are the same way. It seems so good but just not good enough. You feel that you are so close, that what you are doing is working but then they are like nope not yet. You like me need to do what you feel is right. I think my time is approaching fast for a final talk with her in which BS answers will not cut it. Its either commit or end this farce. Iím tired of having the worst of both worlds. I have the constraints of being M without the benefits of being loved but not the freedom of being single but being alone. Iím married, feel unloved and alone. Not what I signed up for.


Tim
I have EVERYTHING at times EXCEPT the commitment.....how frustrating is that. When she gave the reminder the other night I was floored.

She never says she is willing to work or commit....never has..not once. She told me the other night "YOU are the one that said you don't need to be reminded about the separation".

Soooo...for months now, as we screwed, hugged, kissed, laughed and cried together, bought furniture and redecorated...she was saying to herself what?..."Hey, that's his problem, he told me not to remind him".
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Me46
W39
D19
M20
Bomb4/3/08
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#1683437 - 12/30/08 06:58 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
whiskey.tango Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/08
Posts: 676
I'm glad you post here. It's a way to get these thoughts out of your head, which IMHO is the best way to process them. If you don't feel you want to put it here, put it some place. A paper journal at work, a digital file on your work computer. Then read it the next day - I'm a firm believer that 24 hours can make a big difference in perception.

I didn't mention this before but it seems you were really disappointed that the Christmas gift you gave her went without comment or reaction. It sounds like you put a lot of thought in it. Been there and it can really slap you around.

Maybe it is time to pull back a bit. You are really working hard at this with little reward. I hope I say this in a way it makes sense. You've made a lot of changes. Which ones work for you? Make you happy, better than you were? Don't think about the R/M, think about you and the kids only. Keep those things. For a while, don't work so hard on trying to make her happy, trying to appeal to her. Give yourself a break and see if things go unnoticed. I'm concerned if you do a 180, she'll be able to justify to herself that your changes didn't stick. Does that make sense?

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#1683459 - 12/30/08 07:24 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
Mike & Whiskey I have thought about the OM and if she is still talking to him. It goes away but does come back when I wonder why she is still so distant in the physical department and unwilling to commit.


and that may just be your answer..and you know the drill there..get caught snooping..major setback, snoop and find something, major setback, snoop and find nothing, maybe a setback for you also..

but you'll know.


Yes, I know it could be. I also know I have not looked or mentioned it for over three months. But it is a catch 22 damned if I do damned if I don't.


Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

Limbo sucks..but also know some on here have been doing this for a long, long time..longer than a year..a few for a couple of years..

it's all about how strong, patient and emotionally centered you can keep yourself while they sort their crap out..


How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem. I feel like I am being used, taken advantage of. I have no problems continuing what I have been doing, doing my fair share or even the bulk of it for now but it takes two to tango and I have wants and needs also and the longer they go unmet the more I question my choice in fighting for this M.
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#1683466 - 12/30/08 07:34 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ndsmhelp]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
Quote:
I know you are the same way. It seems so good but just not good enough. You feel that you are so close, that what you are doing is working but then they are like nope not yet. You like me need to do what you feel is right. I think my time is approaching fast for a final talk with her in which BS answers will not cut it. Its either commit or end this farce. Iím tired of having the worst of both worlds. I have the constraints of being M without the benefits of being loved but not the freedom of being single but being alone. Iím married, feel unloved and alone. Not what I signed up for.


Tim
I have EVERYTHING at times EXCEPT the commitment.....how frustrating is that. When she gave the reminder the other night I was floored.

She never says she is willing to work or commit....never has..not once. She told me the other night "YOU are the one that said you don't need to be reminded about the separation".

Soooo...for months now, as we screwed, hugged, kissed, laughed and cried together, bought furniture and redecorated...she was saying to herself what?..."Hey, that's his problem, he told me not to remind him".


Its like a game without rules or if there are rules we have no idea what they are. They show us positive signs and give us indications that things are improving but when asked for reassurance, or a commetment they act like a trapped animal. They shut down or attack you like your some kind of enemy. Again, I understood all this a year and a half ago when I had just started all this but if she does not belive my changes by now will she ever? It just all to damn frustrating.

It makes me question her and what is holding her back. Is it who I was, is it someone else or is it something she did that she is ashamed of? All great questions huh. Always more questions than answers.
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#1683479 - 12/30/08 07:51 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango


I didn't mention this before but it seems you were really disappointed that the Christmas gift you gave her went without comment or reaction. It sounds like you put a lot of thought in it. Been there and it can really slap you around.


I didn't expect her to jump up and down whooping and hollering but a wow, that is the best gift you ever gave me and a hug and kiss would have been nice. We were talking the Friday after Christmas about how she though our D was disappointed in her gifts. I told her its hard to tell she is like you and does not show much emotions. She said couldn't you tell I really liked my gift. I did not get a chance to answer because our S walked in before I could.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

Maybe it is time to pull back a bit. You are really working hard at this with little reward. I hope I say this in a way it makes sense. You've made a lot of changes. Which ones work for you? Make you happy, better than you were? Don't think about the R/M, think about you and the kids only. Keep those things. For a while, don't work so hard on trying to make her happy, trying to appeal to her. Give yourself a break and see if things go unnoticed. I'm concerned if you do a 180, she'll be able to justify to herself that your changes didn't stick. Does that make sense?


I have pulled away, I can feel myself doing it. I like all my changes. I don't know which ones she like or dislikes and don't really care. I like them and feel I am where I want to be and its who I am. I know there are things I still need to work on for me but again they have nothing to do with her.

The things I do for her are more to help her out and meet her needs, atleast the way I think she wants them to be met. Again without feed back I can't be sure it is exactly what she wants/needs. She always complained about me not helping around the house, having to ask me to do simple things, never putting any effort of thought into her gifts and several other things that I have change to make myself a better husband.

All I am asking for is the same consideration from her. Atleast I have told her what I want/ need. Atleast I am not making her play 20 questions to find out and atleast I am willing to go to C to improve our C skills. I'm a womens dream if you ask me. Not only do I do more than my share of the domestic stuff I'm willing to go to C and improve our C and anything else that would help improve our M/R.
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