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Quote:
The things I do for her are more to help her out and meet her needs, atleast the way I think she wants them to be met. Again without feed back I can't be sure it is exactly what she wants/needs.


That's the stuff I mean. Trying to do things that you think will meet her needs, but not getting feedback. You answered my poorly worded questions perfectly.

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I'm a womens dream if you ask me. Not only do I do more than my share of the domestic stuff I'm willing to go to C and improve our C and anything else that would help improve our M/R.


Agreed.

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Distressed,
You have described W and I for TWO and a half years! I have supported her through many thing - I went to alot of counseling, focused on myself, got close with God, started being a better father, and so on. I started doing it for W, then realized I liked what I was doing, and finished up doing it for ME.

In the whole time, W has refused counseling, half-committed to being friends, used me - I have supported her financially, emotionally, in her schooling, and so on.

Stick with the changes that you like, but do it in a nice way. You can be distant, yet friendly. Smile and respond, but don't go out of your way.

I have been solid as a rock, consistent with almost zero change, been a perfect husband, and W still thinks I'm faking it after 2.5 years - I don't care. I know who I am, and what I've become, and if W can't see it, that's her issue.

She may never change her mind, and yours may not either, but that's not the concern - what do you want to be for YOURSELF?


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JonF, thanks for your advice and wow, 2-1/2 years and I thought I had a lot of patience.

I agree with being consistant and doing for yourself. I have been doing that for quite along time but the thought of being taken for a ride just irritates me. I see in you signature line that your W has OM and that really sucks, sorry about that. Nothing is more painful than a cheating spouse.

I will continue being nice but I am thinking that it is getting to be about that time to either commit or seperate. I don't mind putting in the effort and time to improve our R but I do not want to continue if it is a waste or my time and she is never going to commit to us. If that make sense.

Take care and I hope your patience pays off the way you want it to.

Tim


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That's what it really boils down to - "commit or separate". I spent a whole day thinking about it - is it worth to continue trying? I decided, for me, it was.

6 months from now, I may feel differently, I don't know.


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Quote:
How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem.


how long does it take to sort this chitt out?? Marriage chitt???

forever Tim...it takes forever..I've always said you can't put a time limit on this and lots of people disagree with me on that..I think the best you can hope for through all this is getting though the tough spots where only one person works..in hopes that that non working person will have some type epithany and snap out of whatever ails them..be it OM/OP/MLC/ABCD or what ever initial they want to hang on their craziness..

so if she decided to commit tomorrow..your asss would still have to work as hard as you are working now...if not harder..

so to me there is no time limit and as I've said over and over..you will know when you are done..your little voice will let you know

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This morning I still feel emotionally drained. She has absolutely no idea what she wants. Last night I worked late not getting home till almost 6pm. When I got home she had made dinner but I went upstairs and got changed when I came down she asked how my day was. I told her it was long and I was tired and really did not engage her much in conversation.

I talked to my son a little bit. After dinner I cleaned up the dishes and she then went for a walk with the neighbor ladies. When she got home she asked if I wanted to take the dog for a walk, I declined. She went upstairs and got changed and then came down and sat on the couch with me, right next to me. We did a little talking but I made my answers short and she touched my leg a couple of times while we watch tv. WTF is up with that BS.

I pull away and she comes after me but when I stop pulling away she takes a step back. I fu**ing hate games, I’m not in high school and I don’t need this chitt. Do it or don’t, commit or don’t, get close to me or don’t but this back and forth should I or shouldn’t I is ridiculous. I am nearing the end of my patience. I want to continue being with her, spending time with her but not without some sort of effort on her part. And not without some open honest communication about where we are, where we have been and where we are going. And I will be second fiddle to no one, I’m better than that and I deserve someone to give me their whole shelf and nothing short of that will do.


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Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem.


how long does it take to sort this chitt out?? Marriage chitt???

forever Tim...it takes forever..I've always said you can't put a time limit on this and lots of people disagree with me on that..I think the best you can hope for through all this is getting though the tough spots where only one person works..in hopes that that non working person will have some type epithany and snap out of whatever ails them..be it OM/OP/MLC/ABCD or what ever initial they want to hang on their craziness..

so if she decided to commit tomorrow..your asss would still have to work as hard as you are working now...if not harder..

so to me there is no time limit and as I've said over and over..you will know when you are done..your little voice will let you know



Your right Mike,

I know that I can never stop working but if she would commit then I would atleast feel that all the work I have done and all the work that I need to do is worth it. Its about sharing the work and the pleasure together, not equally because someone always has to be doing more but it is working together. I love my W and want to share the rest of my life with her but I need a little encouragement from her that we are moving in the right direction and that I am the only one in her life and that somewhere in the near future I can expect to not have to continue to control myself around her.

I want to be me without fear or hesitation. If I want to hug her or kiss her or ML to her I can and know that she wants me to do it and maybe even desires me to do it. I want to know that if I have a bad day of if I am feeling down and lonely that she will be there to pick me up or just give me a hug to let me know I'm not alone. Is that really too much to ask of the person I married? I think not.

I know that was not how we were in the past and I know it will be akward at first but its how I envision it to be.


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Originally Posted By: Distressed67
This morning I still feel emotionally drained. She has absolutely no idea what she wants. Last night I worked late not getting home till almost 6pm. When I got home she had made dinner but I went upstairs and got changed when I came down she asked how my day was. I told her it was long and I was tired and really did not engage her much in conversation.

I talked to my son a little bit. After dinner I cleaned up the dishes and she then went for a walk with the neighbor ladies. When she got home she asked if I wanted to take the dog for a walk, I declined. She went upstairs and got changed and then came down and sat on the couch with me, right next to me. We did a little talking but I made my answers short and she touched my leg a couple of times while we watch tv. WTF is up with that BS.

I pull away and she comes after me but when I stop pulling away she takes a step back. I fu**ing hate games, I’m not in high school and I don’t need this chitt. Do it or don’t, commit or don’t, get close to me or don’t but this back and forth should I or shouldn’t I is ridiculous. I am nearing the end of my patience. I want to continue being with her, spending time with her but not without some sort of effort on her part. And not without some open honest communication about where we are, where we have been and where we are going. And I will be second fiddle to no one, I’m better than that and I deserve someone to give me their whole shelf and nothing short of that will do.


I'll be quite honest Tim and you won't like this...

you have NFC brother...

you and your sitch....tame compared to one I know about that is no longer posted about here...and the guy is still working like hell..and he gets weekly pull-backs...his W is there one minute, gone the next..he faces financial ruin(bankruptcy)..has been doing this for 1 year +...has lost almost all his possessions

games..brother..you don't know games...how would you like it if she had sex with you one week, then when dark on your assss the next?? maybe dark for weeks at a time?? maybe sweet as mollasses one minute and blaming it all on you the next..

he's in the alternate by the way if you ever want to hear from him..just let me know..Him and I talk almost every day..

remember how I said, "don't let that talk with her about where she is, get you spinning"...

got to stay emotionally centered brother..at all times..

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Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem.


how long does it take to sort this chitt out?? Marriage chitt???

forever Tim...it takes forever..I've always said you can't put a time limit on this and lots of people disagree with me on that..I think the best you can hope for through all this is getting though the tough spots where only one person works..in hopes that that non working person will have some type epithany and snap out of whatever ails them..be it OM/OP/MLC/ABCD or what ever initial they want to hang on their craziness..

so if she decided to commit tomorrow..your asss would still have to work as hard as you are working now...if not harder..

so to me there is no time limit and as I've said over and over..you will know when you are done..your little voice will let you know



Your right Mike,

I know that I can never stop working but if she would commit then I would atleast feel that all the work I have done and all the work that I need to do is worth it. Its about sharing the work and the pleasure together, not equally because someone always has to be doing more but it is working together. I love my W and want to share the rest of my life with her but I need a little encouragement from her that we are moving in the right direction and that I am the only one in her life and that somewhere in the near future I can expect to not have to continue to control myself around her.

I want to be me without fear or hesitation. If I want to hug her or kiss her or ML to her I can and know that she wants me to do it and maybe even desires me to do it. I want to know that if I have a bad day of if I am feeling down and lonely that she will be there to pick me up or just give me a hug to let me know I'm not alone. Is that really too much to ask of the person I married? I think not.

I know that was not how we were in the past and I know it will be akward at first but its how I envision it to be.


and it's also about one carrying the other when one can;t walk on their own..

maybe this is your time to carry Tim..maybe this is the only time you'll ever have to do it..maybe this is what true love is all about..

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hey mikey


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