How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ?

[Kakatal]

SD,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I appreciate the kind words you posted of support.

Kakatal - I am amazed at how well your are getting along with your W who is divorcing you for another man.

It is a daily challenge, one that I am not very successful at. He is her 1st, slept with him when she was 13. Ugh. Least he lives 6000 miles away..for now.

My W is doing the same thing to me - and I mostly react with anger, clinginess, and dwell on my own loneliness.

Therein lies your issue. You have to realize you have a CHOICE in how you react. Took me a LONG time to become aware of that & I still fail miserably at it.

I just do not know how so many people are so easily able to adjust and accept the new reality.

Nothing about this is easy! Accepting it is the only way to deal with it, else I could easily see myself in your shoes, reacting the same way.

I am trying to GAL and DBing... but deep down I am resentful and lonely. I am trying to accept things and get along with my WAW for the sake of our daughter, but I do not find that easy to do - it's like giving her the "ok" to her choices.

I know I have no chance even years from now if I cannot get back to being friends with her.

The only way to start accepting things is to realize that this is her CHOICE, her decision. You have no control over it. You cannot change it - you have to respect it, accept it & deal with it. You cannot make her see the light with words - she cannot be reasoned with. I read your thread & you continue to try to email/talk sense into her. Has it worked? Nope. Stop. You need to find a different way to get your message across to her that she made a poor choice. The best way you can is to take a hard look at yourself, deal with your issues, improve yourself & get on with your life.

I am trying to deal with the being friends issue. 4 months of this crap & I am no closer to being friends than I am to having my w see me in a new light. One step forward, two steps back seems to be the unbreakable pattern.

You have gotten great advice - go back & read your thread from the beginning. Give my thread a read from the beginning if you want to see how anger, control & insecurity can royal screw up a marriage.

Keep you head up. Enjoy every moment with your D. Be her rock, her foundation through all of this. My kids have filled the void left in my heart with more love than I knew I could feel. They give their love unconditionally - something we seem to lose as we age. Glad I have them in my life to remind me of what is important. My marriage may fail but I will never fail my kids - they are all that truly matter.

[Little Engine]

SD--Thanks for weighing in on my thread today. I need a kick in the head most days. I wasn't familiar with your sitch, but just reading here I can see your W is causing you a lot of pain; especially with OM around your daughter. That is very frustrating for me when my W takes our kids around OM. It sounds like you've perservered through some tough times in your life so you've been given the tools to cope with this. I am a spiritual person and I believe that God lays down a challenge for us to get us ready for the next one. Although if that is true, I don't think I want to know what the next one may be after divorce. Here's to better days for all of us!

[SingleDad]

Thank you Kakatal and Little Engine - I appreciate your comments.

I am doing my best as a human, father, and actually still a husband to accept that my WAW is striving to find a new life and new man for herself, she is being selfish, and ignoring the impact her actions have on others - but I fequently slip and have trouble talking to her without her getting angry with me (which happpens anytime she wants something and I don't freely give it up).

On a news front:

I think my WAW just learned that the "grass is not greener on the other side".

She called on the drive into work about parenting time... complaining that I keep taking parenting time away from her...(even though she has more than I do). I scheduled a vacation day for 11/21 and 12/5 which is supposed to be the whole day. My W told me she is taking our D3 at 5 pm "because it's her weekend" - and that I keep trying to "change the rules". So I said "wait a minute - so now you want the rules to be that if I take a vacation day, I only get her until 5 pm... but on your vacation days you get to keep her overnight ?" After arguing about it she said "well at least for now" (likely meaning that as long as she is alone again until she has another BF to satisfy her).

Then I said "It's a Friday night - why don't you just go out with your boyfriend" She replied "I wish that were the case". Then I mistakenly said "What, did he leave you ?" Then she screamed at me a few words angry words along with "A$$hole" and hung up. She had also mentioned last week that "all men are jerks - men will just never get it". She has also mentioned she "has had her own problems" that she does not want to discuss with me.

So either her BF broke it off with her - he used her for sex - or he is not being nearly as "moldable" as she demands in a man. Either way, lately my WAW has been as real b!tch - and I can't see why any man would want to have a real relationship with her at this point.

I know it was a mistake to even mention her BF and listen to her wrath - I am not sure why I said anything - other than me being human and knowing my WAW is/was with another man.

Still she wants to lead a truly free and independent life (except for my financial support)... She hasn't yet experienced enough hardships to ever consider coming back to her family - and may never.

...Nothing going on on my dating front (match.com)... seems nobody wants to date a "separated" man... understandably... (and I do not want to lie about my status). I am not sure I want to be dating either... but I know I do not want to be alone, especially for the holidays.

[SingleDad]

I read in "Women's Infidelity" that women all have their dream for a wonderful married life. They find a man, convince him to make a committment and marry them, get a nice house, have a child, success in their jobs... Then after they have everything that they thought they ever wanted... They re-assess their lives and realize that they still aren't happy... another man comes along to listen to their problems and complaints about their husbands and they become swept off their feet, think they love this man and have an affair. Now the WAW has everything - but is guilty about the left behind husband and seeks to separate so she can continue the affair guilt free. When the WAW then seeks committment from the OM (the man of her dreams) - he usually leaves, as he is purely a "home-wrecker". The WAW usually continues to go out to seek another man - she may never go back to the husband as she blames the husband for all of her problems and her need to look elsewhere because the husband was the one who she truly believes "put her in this position".

Similar things happen when the man has the affair, except that maybe the man having the affair often wants both the affair and the spouse. The man is afraid of losing his family, whereas the woman does not, as she knows the courts usually favor the women in custody.

Things are tough - we, the left behind spouse - are powerless to do anything the moment our WAW has checked out of the marriage. We just have to live our lives the best we can and go on. There is a chance they will come back some day - but will we still want them after all they put us through - will we have already established new lives by then ?

[Br44]

Thanks for that last post SingleDad.. it does seem to be the trend with spouses who have affairs. It is just hard to conclude that it is their problem (mostly) and not ours that they need to overcome.

[SingleDad]

Seems to many separations occur with young children involved. WAW seem to have thought that once they had a child their lives would be complete. When they find that it is harder than they dreamed to seek something "greener"

[frank_D]

Seems to many separations occur with young children involved. WAW seem to have thought that once they had a child their lives would be complete. When they find that it is harder than they dreamed to seek something "greener"

Pretty much. But remember that this isn't about 'finding another Man'. It's about running from problems. OM are bandaids, and remember that they are weak and immature. Consider the kind of 'man' who would not have the integrity to back off from a married woman.

These are not 'men'. They are just background noise and are using the WAW's to fill their own weak ego's.

[Jeff223]

Hard to make sense of it all. Is it not? It is hard to accept that they act as they do. They all feel so entitled to a dream life and no matter what we do it is not good enough. In fact we are the source of their problems - all of them it seems.

You are doing well considering where you are in this journey. I was bombed in Feb 2006 and I felt the same way most of my first year. Always hopeful that she would come to her senses. Always the target of her anger. Always trying to figure it all out.

Well, it has been almost three years and I still dont *get it*. I guess I never will - we just have to accept what we cannot control.

So I will not tell you not to focus on her and the situation. That will come in time. Best now to ride the ride and see what happens. Take every opportunity to make you a better you.

Luck.

[faithisbelieving]

Keep going SD. I am glad that you finished reading. Actually, there IS SOMETHING we can do. In some cases...it is to break the limbo. If you take the time to read my sitch (tough to do), you'd find that my sitch is the perfect example of the story.

You will still have tough times. You read Jeff above. I'm having a rough week too. It is never going to be easy when kids are involved. We are tied to them forever.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. FIB

[SingleDad]

Jeff - What you said is so true "It is hard to accept that they act as they do. They all feel so entitled to a dream life and no matter what we do it is not good enough. In fact we are the source of their problems - all of them it seems. Always hopeful that she would come to her senses. Always the target of her anger. Always trying to figure it all out."

My W has such pent up anger focused at me...I think she blames me for having to leave me, having to find an OM, having to give up 1/2 time with her daughter - It's all my fault... she couldn't mold me into being her willing servant and needing to make her happy...

I have stopped calling her a month or more ago - I have grown to hate her voice.. Yet she calls me most days with an attitude - angry with me about having to re-arrange parenting time as though it's my fault she doesn't have enough time with her daughter. (Yet she is the one how left and wanted her new life) I have limited any counter arguments with her and instead I say "if that will make you happy". As long as she carries this attitude - there will never be any hope for reconciliation.

Last week I invited her over to spend family time together and decorate my tree. I tried to make it comfortable for her. I think she was fine... but every sentence out of her mouth was advice on things I need to do in raising my daughter. I did not respond negatively to any of her comments - but after she left I was frustrated; realizing her desire to continue to control how I raise my daughter, but continue to live her own inpendent life.

On another frame of thought - journaling:

I think of DBing is more for yourself than the ex... It's about learning how to go on and even enjoy a new re-defined life... If I do everything thinking about the W or that this activity should be a complete family activity, then I would not be moving forward. Moving forward is when I can enjoy the time with my daughter and not think about W. My daughter is my new family.

I think that God is teaching me what it takes to be a dedicated father on my own - I spend more dedicated time with my daughter than I ever did when my W was around. And now I can raise my daughter my own way without my W telling me how to do things her way. Maybe that is what is best

I miss the "dream of the family"... but when I think of what I had, it wasn't the dream - it was going through the motions - doing things W told me to do - contolling me.

Now the dream is my daughter when I have her - I enjoy that time more than I ever did before.

What I have difficulty with is my "single time"... I have been going to the gym mostly... Today I spent the whole day cleaning house.

Yes - I do want a complete family - but not with the woman who my W is now... I see her as being completely selfish.. she is angry and controlling - not the woman I married and knew for 6 of the past 7 years. I have come to understand what happened in my marriage - I have come to see my W for the way she is now - and know I do not want her as she currently is.

Is there someone else for me ? I do not know... I have given up hoping my W will change and come back to me... So I put up my profile on match.com... there is very little interest - most are not interested in dating someone who is separated... I guess that tells me that I will have more time to work on myself... I have to learn how to enjoy my self without feeling lonely... That is very difficult and something I have never done very well.