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#1648666 - 11/14/08 11:10 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
sounds like Life...


Yep life, boring compared to yours but thats not always a bad thing. I mean that more on the dating and going out and doing stuff and not the W crazy sh**.


have you gone Batchitt crazy dude?? hey life is what you make it. We all want that boring life Tim..not exactly like yours is now but you know what I mean..a house, with a complete family and some love..and some loving..and some sex...helll I'm not doing anymore than I've ever done..I'm going out, hangin with friends...playing golf..I've got the same responsibilites as everyone else here..

I just no longer have a wife

the only difference in then and now..I've changed for the better ..I'm meeting lots of new people and I'm having a good time..

believe me your life is not boring..it's normal, with just a few little bumps thrown in..my life is normal for where I am at the moment..it's nothing special..it's fun..it is what I make it.


Nope, I'm not crazy at all. I love my life, wife, kids and job at the moment but I think you misunderstood what I meant by exciting. I did not mean to say that you have any less responsibility than me or anything like that.

We hired a gentleman a couple of months ago that knew me before I met my W and before I turned 21. He was telling my partner how I hung out at bars and always was dancing and had friends and different ladies around me but never drank. I explained how I had a fake ID and did not need to be caught DUI so I never drank while out. But was saying how much fun I always had and that I miss all that excitment and freedom. Not that I would trade the life I have now for it but sometimes it would be nice to do that again.

That is the excitement I meant. The fun of going out, hanging with friends and getting to know someone and not have all the baggage to go along with it. At this moment I have practicaly no free time and when I do I just want to sit and veg. Most of my friends are M with kids and are too busy to do stuff also.

When I read about you doing all that stuff its exciting because it is new and different from what I am doing. It reminds me of being young again. I know you would rather of saved your M and stuff so don't take what I say the wrong way. Its like anything even though I don't want to be back out there, to be able to relive that again for a short period would be fun but in the end I prefer what I have. And that is what I meant if it makes any sense and I didn't ramble too much.



Nah..I think we are both on the same page. I know what your saying. Bottom line everyone wants to feel loved and cared for. ;\) My life now may sound exciting at times and yes, it can be and is fun..but it can also suck just like everyone elses sucks sometimes..Like I said..our lives are what we make them. depending on another for happiness and fulfillment is just a way to make a M/R fail...IMO..

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#1648687 - 11/14/08 01:01 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

Like I said..our lives are what we make them. depending on another for happiness and fulfillment is just a way to make a M/R fail...IMO..


Agree with you 100%. And that is where that six letter word comes in that I have heard so much. "Detach". Have a great weekend.
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#1651310 - 11/17/08 07:50 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
smartcookie Offline
Member

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 2978
(((((Tim))))))

I got a text from Bridge, she's doing good.


I was reading your post about excitement. I wanted to add my late night thoughts.

I was at a Dr's office the other day, looking at a Travel magazine. Seeing all these people out hiking, kayaking, fishing, and sightseeing, made me realize how much I want to do all that.

I realize now that I gave up so much of me for the "family". Nobody asked me to. I just thought that's what a good mom does. We were always busy & doing things. I just forgot to make time for the things that I wanted to do also. I used to think it was selfish to do those things just for me. Now, looking back, giving up that much, turned into resentment for the people that I love the most. Yet..... they never asked me to give those things up.

I didn't do anybody any favors by giving up that much of me. Now that I'm finding me & more importantly, taking good care of my needs too, my kids have a happier mom.

Hugs
_________________________
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.

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#1652420 - 11/18/08 05:07 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: smartcookie]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Good day Tim..are you still living life?? and all is still good?? Are you making yourself happy??

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#1652568 - 11/18/08 07:26 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
I am still doing well. Weekend could have been better. My W and I were suppose to have a date on Saturday night because it has been a long couple of weeks for both of us at work. Unfortunately that did not happen. My S and D both ended up having friends over and we took them out to dinner. I was a little irritated and my W knew it. Not angry or mad but disappointed. It has been a while since we just went out to dinner and then we were going to see a play at the local HS that my D said was very funny. We ended up watching "The Bucket List" which was a good movie and then going to bed together.

I guess I let my expectations get up and was let down when it did not happen. Then when she came to bed it felt like the same old, same old was happening again. She avoids coming to bed with me until I get visibly frustrated then she throws me a bone and does it to make me feel better. It took a little bit of effort to get over it but I did. I just don’t want that to be part of our R again. I want her to be with me when things are going well not just when things are a bit off and she wants to get back to the status quo. If you know what I mean. That’s how things were in the past and it sucked then and it still does.

Last night while making dinner we were talking about next weekend. On Saturday I’m taking my S and D to help the Boy Scouts make food baskets for Thanksgiving. Then my D is going to the movies with friends in the afternoon. My W asked if I minded if she went and I said no because it’s that “Twilight” movie they both want to see. She said after she gets home we can go out to dinner together. I told her it would be nice to get out. The rest of the evening was spent carting kids around to various activities.

Then last night as I was heading to bed my W was walking into the livingroom while I was walking out. Its one of those moments you wish you could have back. I said goodnight and she looked at me then gently hit me in the arm and said goodnight. I could be wrong but it felt like I could of asked her for a hug and kiss goodnight and gotten it. Maybe it was just me but the attraction on my part was there. It was just one of those odd moments.

How you doing Mike, pretty quiet on your thread today.

Tim
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Thread #10

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#1652796 - 11/18/08 10:07 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
whiskey.tango Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/08
Posts: 676
Hi Tim,

Quote:
I want her to be with me when things are going well not just when things are a bit off and she wants to get back to the status quo.


Powerful statement. Status quo is the way you feel your life has been for a long time, yes? From what you've written status quo is good, yet not moving forward. And I'm not trying to say it's not good, but from the tone of your writing, status quo is getting old.

What was planned for the kids when you two scheduled your date? How did that change?

I'm trying to phrase this properly, has your W mostly put the children before your M? I recall earlier threads that mention this issue and it seemed to frustrate you.

I just deleted a whole thought about that playful punch in the arm because I answered my own question. It was at night. I agree if you asked she would have given you more - but she's not going to initiate night contact. Wish she'd go to MC, it's one of the ways to really get this moving forward. Until then, keep doing what you do. You are consistent and positive.

Are you doing OK?

Whiskey!

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#1652888 - 11/18/08 11:46 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Yes..it's best not to have any expectations at all. Hopefully this next "date" will happen and it may stir some moving forward..

I agree MC would do wonders here..

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#1653122 - 11/19/08 11:01 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Hi Tim,

Quote:
I want her to be with me when things are going well not just when things are a bit off and she wants to get back to the status quo.


Powerful statement. Status quo is the way you feel your life has been for a long time, yes? From what you've written status quo is good, yet not moving forward. And I'm not trying to say it's not good, but from the tone of your writing, status quo is getting old.



Yes, its getting old. I'm not frustrated or anything I just want to move on. I want to be able to express how I feel towards her without feeling like I am pressuring her or that I am overstepping my bounds by doing it. I want to know if she has some sort of romantic feelings toward me. That in itself would be nice to know. I want to be able to hold her and kiss her if I want without feeling like I shouldn’t


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

What was planned for the kids when you two scheduled your date? How did that change?




Nothing was planned for them. They are old enough to stay home alone. However my D and her friend went to the play we were going to go to and I can't leave my S home alone when he has a friend over. It was not something that was planned it just happened and threw a monkey wrench into my plans thats all.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

I'm trying to phrase this properly, has your W mostly put the children before your M? I recall earlier threads that mention this issue and it seemed to frustrate you.



Yes, always and I told her this a while back that is one of the things that made me angry. I was never put first in her book and it seemed the only time I was put first was in bed. It was the kids, your work, the house and then what was left was for me and that never seemed to happen.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

I just deleted a whole thought about that playful punch in the arm because I answered my own question. It was at night. I agree if you asked she would have given you more - but she's not going to initiate night contact. Wish she'd go to MC, it's one of the ways to really get this moving forward. Until then, keep doing what you do. You are consistent and positive.

Are you doing OK?

Whiskey!



I agree with the night contact but not sure how I should breach the subject. And with MC I could not agree more. Have stated that over and over again. I'm trying to find a way to bring up the subject and get her to go. We just need to learn to communicate and get past this rough spot. I feel we are so close but it seems neither of us knows how to get that done. I see so many positive things from her and sense some good feelings but its hard to know exactly what to do or say. A MC could solve that issue if only…….

Other than that I am good. Very busy but not stressed like I was eight months ago at the other job and with my home life. Both are so much better and it makes it easier to keep myself centered.

How are things with you? Gotta love this cold weather. \:\(

Take care,

Tim
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#1653128 - 11/19/08 11:12 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Yes..it's best not to have any expectations at all. Hopefully this next "date" will happen and it may stir some moving forward..

I agree MC would do wonders here..



I do need to keep my expectations low. I just 2x4 someone on Monday for getting his hopes up way too soon. Its hard, it would be so much nicer if you could remove all emotions from your sitch but they creep in there and that is when my expectations go up. Plus with the positive signs I see from her and the feelings of being closer makes it even more difficult. I thought this tight rope would get easier to walk but it just does not.

She is so close when she is on the couch or in the bed but I feel like a teenager on a date. Should I or should I not. Maybe she wants me to do something but I don’t want to go too fast. Again I think if we could just start being more intimate the rest would follow very quickly but its making that first move at the right time
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#1657368 - 11/24/08 03:39 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Weekend update,

W calls me Friday afternoon to see if I will be working late. I told her that I would be and that I was going to go straight to the swimming pool and that she would have to drop the kids off there on her way to the make-up party. She asks if I will have time to get something to eat, I said probably not. She askes if I want her to bring me something to eat to the pool. I told her I had a big lunch and should be fine but thanks for offering.

I got done early so I went home, got changed quickly and then took the kids to the pool. Told W to have a good time and not to drink too much and to drive safely because the road are slick. She said she was not going too because of the weather.

Did not get home till after 9:30 from the pool and W got home shortly after. We watch a little tv then I went to bed. In the morning my W informed me that she had to pick up my D from the movies tonight and take her friends home so we would not be going out. Was irritated and said that to her. Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a responce from her and she got up to get ready.

I got up then and made myself breakfast and then I went and got dressed. Talked a little more to my W about other things. I had shelved my disappointment and moved on. The kids and I then went with the Boy Scouts to help stuff baskets for Thanksgiving. When we got home I took my D over to a friends house about 3:00 because she was going to see the Twilight movie. When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff. We could not because my S made plans with one of his friends and they were going to pick him up at our house sometime around 6 and that would be too late for us to go out because the movie was over at 6:45. And we would not have enoght time to go out and get back before 6.

My W decised to go alone while I stayed home and did stuff around the house. After my S left I started to make dinenr for us when my W called to inform me that my SIL and Neice were also coming over. Oh if the night could not get any better. I figured at this point though what did it matter and just put on my best PMA and had dinner with the 4 of them.

My SIL and Neice left right after dinner, bummer, and my W and I watched a movie together and then went to bed together. We talked for a while and then she snuggled up to me. In the morning I returned the favor and snuggled up to her.

Sunday was hectic. It was my FIL 80th birthday and we were having a surprise party for him at a local resturant. We went early in the morning to set up and then back at 12:30 to get the food out and prepare for the guests. We had about 45 people show up and it was really nice.

We had a Texas Holdem tournament for who ever wanted to play and Bingo for the rest and the kids. We had a first prize of $50.00 which I won so technically I won my own money but its better than losing it. Helped clean up and everone said they had a great time.

Got home watch a little football, saw that my Dolphins got crushed and then the W and I watch a little tv and I went to bed.

So all in all it was a nice weekend. Not exacly as I had planned but it never is.
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