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#164981 - 08/03/03 01:26 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
JPsDevotedWife Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 532
Loc: Central Texas
Hey Trying2,

Wow, you and Deb(imalright), seem to be on the same path of similar successes. I wish I had read this particular post of yours before yesterday. Maybe it could have made me second guess the strong feelings I have inside about the direction I feel God is leading me in. But since I believe that everything happens for a reason (God's reasons), I think God had something to do with me not reading this post until after I had done what I feel like God wanted me to do yesterday. [I told my H I had an appt to see an attorney.]

You have made such great progress!

I will keep you on my prayer list and pray for more progress in your M. You and Deb are such great researchers and practitioners of the info you learn from your research! I need to find the MLC post you spoke of in another of your post and start that research because I have A LOT to learn about that and also the LL's.

Keep up the great work and enjoy your progress!!!

- JPDW

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#164982 - 08/03/03 01:47 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
DownNotOut Offline
Member

Registered: 07/30/02
Posts: 2285
Loc: Missouri
T2, I just stopped in to thank you for stopping by my thread, and then I read your post.

Tears were streaming by the end of it, because I see so much of my H in the post. I know that my H had feelings of inadequicy(sp) and felt so much pain. I just wish that he would start expressing it to me and dealing with it so that we could both heal.

But mine is still denying his problems, and still embroiled in his affair. Openly living with her. I hope that one day that he wakes up and realizes everything that he has done to the two of us and our marriage. The fact that your H seems to be on the path back gives me hope.

It is so hard to watch someone that you love self-destruct. I have filed for D because I can't live like this anymore. One day maybe my H will wake up and find his way back. Maybe I will still be there for him, I don't know. But I do know that for his sake, I hope that he finds himself again. I would hate to think that he would forever go down the road of what your H has said that he has been traveling.

Thank you for a little bit of inspiration. Perhaps your story will soften my heart to my H a little bit. I had forgotten that he is feeling his own pain.

DNO

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#164983 - 08/03/03 02:04 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
JPsDevotedWife Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 532
Loc: Central Texas
DownNotOut,

Ditto. You have spoken exactly the same thing I felt while reading T2's post.

My H is also living with OW. And he is VERY self-destructive right now. He is going through one set of court trials, and will soon be civil sued by two other individuals. So his legal fees are piling up. He put money down on a new boat instead of paying his truck note, which last month he deferred 2 pmts to the end of the note. And OW is so blind to see that she's helping him self-destruct. She doesn't know him like I do. But she will soon learn when the destruction becomes evident to her.

Reading T2's post was very touching to me too, and I also cried while reading it. I KNOW beyond a shadow of doubt that my H is hurting inside. But I can't help him with that hurt because of my own pain. I have to learn more about MLC and the 5 LL's, before I will be of much help anymore.

However, I was truely inspired by T2's post. It was sooooo touching!

- JPDW

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#164984 - 08/03/03 02:30 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
JPsDevotedWife Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 532
Loc: Central Texas
Hey Deb,

Yes, one item of input on the "smell" category. What about those candles???

And for the "site" category, you forget to give yourself credit for your beauty and the sexy clothes you wear when you see him. "Do more of what works", and that seems to work.

On the "hearing" category, I think you've done an excellent job to building up to dropping that subtle statement of leaving an invitation open for him if he'd like to try again to work on your M. You'll know when the right time is to do that. God will give you that strong feeling that the time has come to do so, and he'll remove that fear you spoke of having with making the open invitation.

You might just say to him when the time comes something like, "Well who knows, maybe one day you and I will find ourselves back together and enjoying some of the things we used to do together or never got to do together."

That leaves it not as a question.....just as an open possibility. And if there was something in particular the two of you wanted to someday do together but have not yet done, you could even add to the end of the above, "like going to such and such a place and doing ??? when we get there."

Well, you know your H best, so you'll come up with the most appropriate words at the most appropriate time. And when you get another opportunity to be in that teasing mood, just be prepared to make such a statement and then change the subject quickly as if you are not waiting on any response to the hint.

I know you are building up to wanting to let him know, so just be prepared to seize the moment when it arrives. And don't get discouraged if you don't get a positive reaction to the hint the first time. I've read that with some people, they have to hear the invitation several times before they respond, because the first time they will question whether you really meant that or not, then the 2nd time, they will begin thinking that you really did mean it and start contemplating the idea and how they will respond if the offer is made again, and the 3rd time they will be prepared to finally respond to it.

So just prepare yourself and when the moment arrives, you will know it's the right moment. God will let you know.

Happy preparing!

- JPDW

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#164985 - 08/03/03 03:25 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
poepad Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 1437
Loc: PA
Quote:

Is this a book I can offer to my H to read? Or should I leave it alone?
Get the audio verison, at half.com, guys don't like to read R stuff.
_________________________
Poe Has Got Off The Runaway Train

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#164986 - 08/03/03 03:44 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
poepad Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 1437
Loc: PA
PLEASE MAKE PARAGRAPHS 5 LINES OR LESS, VERY HARD TO READ GROUPED.
_________________________
Poe Has Got Off The Runaway Train

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#164987 - 08/03/03 03:45 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
jaycee Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/03
Posts: 1475
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi Deb,

I just read the 5LL. Boy do I wish I had heard about that book a year ago. I could have stopped OW before she got started. I can see now tht I was not using H's LL much in the last year. I was busy with my teenages son's rebellion. That gave OW the chance to break in. Now I fear all hope is lost. He is so in love with her right now that he can't see straight. I would like to beleive that he will come to his senses but I don't think it will happen anytime soon. He never does things half way. Since we have no contact there is no way for me to use his LL to help our R. I feel pretty hopeless today.

It sure sounds like you and H are on a path heading in the direction of togetherness. I'm happy for you. It is nice to see it working. I know others have lived through this and cmoe back together but my husban is probably to stubborn and too proud to admit his mistake. I sthink I just have to look for happiness somewhere else. jaycee

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#164988 - 08/03/03 04:06 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
poepad Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 1437
Loc: PA
Quote:

With that I saw a glimmer of my old H shining through. I saw a man struggling to come back from the brink of self destruction and having a very difficult and painful journey back to the good man he wants to be again.
I reached out to my H and hugged him then looked him in the eyes and said, "I know you have a long road to recover from that painful time in YOUR life. And my heart aches for not seeing your torment when it started but I was to wrapped up in my own pain then, but, I want you to know that I hope that when you find your way back to you, whether that also brings you back to US, that I will be here to support you through your journey for as long as I can.
This paragraph grip my heart , it will go in my hope journal, I would love to be able to say the same to my XW.

You did a good job, and I am very glad for you.

_________________________
Poe Has Got Off The Runaway Train

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#164989 - 08/03/03 06:53 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
Trying24now Offline
Member

Registered: 07/21/03
Posts: 1344
Hi JP thank you for stopping by, I need all the encouragement I can get. The 6 Stages Post I refered to is on the Midlife Crisis Forum and is titled "The six stages of MLC Part 4 (I think), it's on the 2nd page of that forum tonight.
What ever decisions you've made about how YOU need to proceed w/ur life or the recovery of your M...is YOUR choice. Only YOU can judge what's best for you. I pray for peace in your heart and the healing of your marriage.
T2

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#164990 - 08/03/03 07:10 PM Re: 5 Love Languages..HUH?
Trying24now Offline
Member

Registered: 07/21/03
Posts: 1344
DNO, Thank YOU for coming by my thread. As I look back...I realize that when all this started (probably about 3 yrs. ago), like I told my H, I was in to much of my own pain to see his. The break down of our marriage was like a runaway train. I don't think I really could've stopped it and now it's to late to worry about that. I do know now without a doubt that he has to come full circle by himself. I honestly believe in my heart though...that if I had gone DARK and STAYED dark (I did go there for several weeks in the beginning) I don't believe he EVER would've come back at all. As big a DB NO NO as it is...I think my persuing although in many ways a detriment to our recovery) ALSO kept him from slipping completely through my fingers. "Holding onto him" even when he was shoving me away I think kept him from shutting me out 100%. Maybe all I really did was play off his guilt, but whatever it was, it made it tough for him to sever all ties to me. For that, I'm grateful. He didn't like me at all, he "forgot" he loved me and wondered if he ever really did OR if I ever really loved him etc.. He's still asking himself these questions I'm sure. But now that I have a better understanding of where he went and where he might be now, I can deal with it a little easier AND most importantly, not take it so personally.
If going forward with a divorce benefits YOU then that's a good thing...but if it benefits him and his OW....I'd take the process VERY slowly. I THINK that despite the forward steps my H is trying to make, a big part of him wants to hold onto the belief that he was "right" in many ways about our marriage. He NEEDS to believe some it just so he can live with himself and the terrible choices he's made. I hope my H "wakes up" and sees the value in our future together and I hope he does it before I get to the point that a reversal of my "more of the same" would be to stop waiting.
Hugs 2U
T2

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