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so..you told her..now stand back and watch...and don't let this get you spinning.

she if she does more of the same.

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I'm really not spinning Mike, I'm just tired of it dragging on and on. She says that it is getting better but that is her canned responce. And of course she thinks its getting better, its all about her needs right now. I see things improving but I guess I want more, I need more. A more physical sign that things are improving. I would take a simple ILU from her, something to indicate that we are moving more in a direction that I want it to move.

And maybe I am asking too much from her, I don't know. I just know what I am feeling and what I need. I am trying to give her what I think she wants/ needs but without input its hard to say I am giving her exactly what she needs. You know what I am saying.

I felt I needed to give it a kick start, a push in the direction I want it to go. I just hate this feeling I get after I bring stuff up and I should not have to feel this way but I do and what else can I do? Its not a now or never thing but more of a, I have done alot and put alot of myself out there for our M/R now I need you to kick in here and help out sort of thing.

Is it wrong of me to expect a little effort on her part if we are in fact "getting better" as she says. And she may be trying but not in a way that is apparent to me or helpful to me. I have change my aproach to meeting her wants and needs is it too much for her to do the same?

I did say this morning that I felt we were going around and around in a circle. She said at least we are in the same circle. Yea, Haw now we are two dogs chasing the same tail.

One last thing that is running through my mind. When does it turn from an individual effort to an I have done all I can alone, in order to suceeed we need to do this together deal. Because I feel that I am here.


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Tim,

My response may not be popular but it's what I see. IMHO she is doing what she needs to do to keep the family on track. Seems to be her focus. And to be friends with you. I mean honestly, what goes on between the 2 of you could safely go on between 2 friends.

Your conversation with her leaves me with a feeling that she's playing a little dumb so the discussion will die there. But she's been doing that for a while.

Good for you for putting the MC expectation out there. So it's safe to say she did not go to IC, yes?

IMHO, again, I feel her children are very important to her and that's her main focus through all of this and has always been. I mean if living with you was so awful before why didn't she leave? (sorry for being so blunt here, but this all hits sore spots with me). Keep your children living with a man you fear? That's never made sense to me in all honesty.

I'm deleting more and more so that means time to shut my mouth.

It's MC or bust at this point. Unless she wakes up very soon and decides to treat you like a husband and not a room mate.

Whiskey

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Tim
I don't think I am up on your sitch completely, but seem to remember some similarities with mine...at least as far as your WAW still being home with you...or back with you.

Mine never left or asked me to leave after she dropped the bomb last April.

We have never stopped the physical part of our relationship, and seemed to be progressing a lot the past few months, but like you...never any feedback from her as to what was really going in her head.

Until last evening when I got the same old bs....this after 3 months without a word about the marriage, the current sitch and honestly, being about the closest and most relaxed we have ever been with each other.

I am thinking that things could not get any better...all that is missing is a few words from her that let me know we are on the right track. Sure I would like to hear them...but man...her actions are so positive, I can wait, right??

What did I get???....her feelings haven't changed....she still doesn't trust that I have changed...the old me is still too fresh in her mind....she loves me but.....sorry, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

I feel like counseling and some real communication between us would really help, but maybe I'm wrong. She was not interested in the beginning, and since there has never been any commitment from her to work on the marriage, it has not been brought up since.

No advice, man...just a "I hear you". At least your wife is telling you she is on board and feels like things are getting better. I have been running blind for months now, assuming things were getting better and she seems to still be on square one, ready, willing and able to end the R.


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Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Tim,

My response may not be popular but it's what I see. IMHO she is doing what she needs to do to keep the family on track. Seems to be her focus. And to be friends with you. I mean honestly, what goes on between the 2 of you could safely go on between 2 friends.

Your conversation with her leaves me with a feeling that she's playing a little dumb so the discussion will die there. But she's been doing that for a while.


Yes, she has been doing it for a long while and I am tired of it. I am glad we are friends but I want a W not a room mate.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

Good for you for putting the MC expectation out there. So it's safe to say she did not go to IC, yes?


I would say she did not go. She never responded to the MC and I did not ask about IC for her. Her silence and hesitation speaks vulomns.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

IMHO, again, I feel her children are very important to her and that's her main focus through all of this and has always been. I mean if living with you was so awful before why didn't she leave? (sorry for being so blunt here, but this all hits sore spots with me). Keep your children living with a man you fear? That's never made sense to me in all honesty.


Be as blunt as you want. Our children are her main focus and always have been. That is one of our issues. I love my kids and want the best for them but as I told her long ago, there will come a time when they are gone at it will be just us and if we don’t work on us there wont be anything there when they are gone. And here we are.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

I'm deleting more and more so that means time to shut my mouth.


You don’t need to worry about offending me, that’s quite impossible to do. Say what is on your mind about me or my W. Its all helps.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

It's MC or bust at this point. Unless she wakes up very soon and decides to treat you like a husband and not a room mate.

Whiskey



I’m still asking, she is still not going.


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Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
Tim
I don't think I am up on your sitch completely, but seem to remember some similarities with mine...at least as far as your WAW still being home with you...or back with you.

Mine never left or asked me to leave after she dropped the bomb last April.

We have never stopped the physical part of our relationship, and seemed to be progressing a lot the past few months, but like you...never any feedback from her as to what was really going in her head.

Until last evening when I got the same old bs....this after 3 months without a word about the marriage, the current sitch and honestly, being about the closest and most relaxed we have ever been with each other.

I am thinking that things could not get any better...all that is missing is a few words from her that let me know we are on the right track. Sure I would like to hear them...but man...her actions are so positive, I can wait, right??

What did I get???....her feelings haven't changed....she still doesn't trust that I have changed...the old me is still too fresh in her mind....she loves me but.....sorry, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

I feel like counseling and some real communication between us would really help, but maybe I'm wrong. She was not interested in the beginning, and since there has never been any commitment from her to work on the marriage, it has not been brought up since.

No advice, man...just a "I hear you". At least your wife is telling you she is on board and feels like things are getting better. I have been running blind for months now, assuming things were getting better and she seems to still be on square one, ready, willing and able to end the R.


NDS,

I understand completely and appreciate you chiming in. I just hate these game and the indecision on their part. It made complete sense at the beginning but after all these months its time to decide. Stay or go, work on it or end it, stop going along keeping the peace and seeing what happens. She knows what is happening she just does not want to commit fully, WHY?

Could it be a power thing, could it be that she still is not over the past. I don’t know but I really wish she would tell me or atleast go to MC.

Sorry your in the same boat as me, but if she is still with you and you are still being physical there has to be something there. What is preventing our W from taking that step and recommitting is beyond me but it is getting old quick.

Thanks for your input.

Tim


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Quote:
NDS,

I understand completely and appreciate you chiming in. I just hate these game and the indecision on their part. It made complete sense at the beginning but after all these months its time to decide. Stay or go, work on it or end it, stop going along keeping the peace and seeing what happens. She knows what is happening she just does not want to commit fully, WHY?

Could it be a power thing, could it be that she still is not over the past. I don’t know but I really wish she would tell me or atleast go to MC.

Sorry your in the same boat as me, but if she is still with you and you are still being physical there has to be something there. What is preventing our W from taking that step and recommitting is beyond me but it is getting old quick.

Thanks for your input.

Tim


Mine pretty much told me what it was...lack of trust in me and my changes. Memories of what was and how I treated her.

Really nothing different than what she said after the first few weeks and each time she decided to give a reminder over the last 9 months.

What really bothered me this time was the fact that we had really just had such a great 2 or 3 months...there was still no communication, but her actions were undeniably positive, we were redecorating the living room together, spending money on new furniture, enjoying the holidays with friends and family..etc, etc. Also, as I have said, we have continued to be physically close all through this.

Recently it just felt as though it was going to be breakthrough time and we would be working together to get things on track. I was just trying to be patient, waiting for the words, because everything else seemed to coming into place.

She has the nerve to tell me I have been great these past months and loves me...never denied that she does...but would never tell me "I love you" because that would give me the impression that everything was "OK"...wtf?

How much more confusing can she make it?


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Hi Neil..
based on these 4 stages of DB'ing for reconciliation..
where would you say your R was when you started here?
Where is it now?

Stage 1: create a neutral/non-negative zone
(I've also seen this as -reduction of negative emotions- 'safe' comes to mind)
Stage 2: friendship
Stage 3: romance
Stage 4: reconciliation


Do you think you are making progress? Your wife said things were better, if you showed her this where do you think she would put things?

Hoping for new directions for your new year.
Hugs
Bridge


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

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Originally Posted By: Distressed67
I'm really not spinning Mike, I'm just tired of it dragging on and on. She says that it is getting better but that is her canned responce. And of course she thinks its getting better, its all about her needs right now. I see things improving but I guess I want more, I need more. A more physical sign that things are improving. I would take a simple ILU from her, something to indicate that we are moving more in a direction that I want it to move.

And maybe I am asking too much from her, I don't know. I just know what I am feeling and what I need. I am trying to give her what I think she wants/ needs but without input its hard to say I am giving her exactly what she needs. You know what I am saying.

I felt I needed to give it a kick start, a push in the direction I want it to go. I just hate this feeling I get after I bring stuff up and I should not have to feel this way but I do and what else can I do? Its not a now or never thing but more of a, I have done alot and put alot of myself out there for our M/R now I need you to kick in here and help out sort of thing.

Is it wrong of me to expect a little effort on her part if we are in fact "getting better" as she says. And she may be trying but not in a way that is apparent to me or helpful to me. I have change my aproach to meeting her wants and needs is it too much for her to do the same?

I did say this morning that I felt we were going around and around in a circle. She said at least we are in the same circle. Yea, Haw now we are two dogs chasing the same tail.

One last thing that is running through my mind. When does it turn from an individual effort to an I have done all I can alone, in order to suceeed we need to do this together deal. Because I feel that I am here.


never said you were spinning..I said don't let this get you spinning..

the way I see it you have two choices..

keep playing the game as you know it and hope that she has some sort of awakening..

or

tell her you're done and force her hand to do something one way or another..

not much else to do IMO..

I also wonder if her friend..the old high school boy is still in the picture at all??

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Tim,

Many good points coming from Mike.

Quote:
tell her you're done and force her hand to do something one way or another..


I actually think you are at this point. Negotiation. You are out of options and you need to find out what, if anything, she's willing to do.

I was thinking about the XH too, and I know you have been good not snooping and all that. But something ain't right with her.

Although frustrated, you sound calm. Stay strong. Do what you gotta do.

Whiskey

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