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Separated 3 months +... I was hoping her anger would go away.

W denys she has BF even after she told me she did by mistake. I do not bring up the topic - try to avoid anything that will piss her off - but something always does.

She is just so angry and mean - never looking back.

Why do I keep up hope that she will come to her senses and come back to her family when she has told me she never will ?

I keep wanting things to improve between us - but she keeps being pissed off about one thing or another.

I am certain the OM keeps her happy... Seems nothing will ever change as long as the grass is greener on the other side. I just wish I knew for absolute sure if she is leaving for OM or if she decided it is over for good with me and then found OM. - I guess I'll never really know for sure


Last edited by SingleDad; 09/23/08 04:03 PM.

Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Joined: Apr 2008
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Originally Posted By: SingleDad
Why do I keep up hope that she will come to her senses and come back to her family when she has told me she never will ?


Because you still love her and you take your vows and committment to family seriously. You are also afraid of what life will be like without her. It's ok to have hope, just dont plan or live your life for it. You have to move on in every other aspect of your life and just leave the hope there. That is probably the only chance you have IMO.

Originally Posted By: SingleDad
I keep wanting things to improve between us - but she keeps being pissed off about one thing or another.

So if nothing you do is right in her eyes, just accept it and dont take it personally. She is a different person now, probably taking things out on you that she created herself but is just not willing to see or deal with. Know that this is NOT about you. It is about her and her feelings. Feel sorry for her, dont feel sorry for yourself.

Originally Posted By: SingleDad
I am certain the OM keeps her happy... Seems nothing will ever change as long as the grass is greener on the other side. I just wish I knew for absolute sure if she is leaving for OM or if she decided it is over for good with me and then found OM. - I guess I'll never really know for sure


SD, it doesnt matter why whe is leaving, OM or otherwise. She is leaving. The only way for her to realize that OM is not as good as you is to show her that you are better, that you can get on with your life without her. Maybe then she will start to take stock of what she is doing. The excitement always wears off after awhile and it sounds like she has a lot of anger issues. If you dont let her vent her anger and spew on you, then she will start to spew on OM and he will probably be out of there faster than you can blink.

Hang in there and make sure to take care of yourself. The day will come when this doesnt hurt as much. I am sad and yes, a little lonely being in the smack middle of my sitch, but there is not that bottomless pit of fear and dread and sickness that I was feeling for so long. "I no longer despair, I deal." Try it on for size.


Married 6 years
D4
D4
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seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
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Quote:
W says it is all lies... We are Legally Separated - so she says she can do anything she wants and it's not an affair (Yet we are still legally married)

Read the PDF SD. Are you still married? Yes. On paper. The separation, was not to get her head straight, but, to let the M die a slow death and also because she had no other way to get out of the M in the state of NY.

Quote:
I said that I have nothing to do with any rumors going around now - but suggested that if she wants the rumors to stop, she could dump her boyfriend and return to her husband and daughter and be a family again.


This is a threat and there is no way in h$ll that you will have a chance at getting her back with those comments. Translated to a women: "if you don't come back to me, I am going to continue to spew rumors about you."

As a man, you shouldn't have even come close to defending yourself. Why didn't you just say:
"I'm married. I don't degrade my wife. I'm sorry if you chose to believe rumors."

Quote:


I keep wanting things to improve between us - but she keeps being pissed off about one thing or another.

Read the PDF. Part of it is that she MUST vilify you to validate what she is doing. Part of it is that you ARE pissing her off (see your comment above).

Quote:

I just wish I knew for absolute sure if she is leaving for OM or if she decided it is over for good with me and then found OM. - I guess I'll never really know for sure


SD...open your eyes. She left. She is with someone else. You really have to get to work on yourself. Again, sorry I am hitting you hard, but, I can tell you that if you don't take some 'evasive action', you are in for a really bad bruising when the last day of month 12 rolls along.

I'm taking a 'ban' risk here but go to makingherhappydotcom and subscribe to the newsletter. Start learning about what makes a women excited and turned on and what behavior makes you essentially 'a wimp'. Having been on this board now for over 2 years, by far doesn't make me an expert, but, I've gotten a good feel for what works with women and what doesn't. Most of your conversations and behavior with her DOES NOT WORK and, in fact, PUSHES HER AWAY.

SD.....stop...think...reevaluate.

This is the hardest part of trying to be in the 5% of people here that have success in getting to Piecing, i.e., following those parts of DB that work FOR US. Imagine being in her shoes...for whatever reason...now with a guy that that is pushing her buttons...and she calls and hears what you said above.

THE ONLY SHOT YOU HAVE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE PLACE THAT YOU ARE IN RIGHT NOW...THAT MOST OF US ARE IN...is to totally LET GO...GRIEVE AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. It is THEN that they will sometimes realize the loss.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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PS....I think I like mountain man's post better than mine..he is saying the same thing but with kids gloves.

SD..I've hit you pretty hard in some of my posts. People did it to me when I did the same behavior. It took a long time for me to 'get with it' and truly understand why they depart..why they don't come back...what works and what doesn't...and when it is time to let go and move on.

Just trying to help. Stay strong.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
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Faith and MountainMan - I am doing my best, some days are just harder than others.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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We have all been there and we are all with you. Reach out to the REAL people in your life for support to, friends and family. Let us all help you through this, but the point is to get back on the horse. One of my favorite sayings (second time I used this today) is "when you're going through hell...keep going." SD, I think you stopped going and now you are stuck in hell. The only way to get out of it is to keep going. Now you have 2 choices, only 2 directions to go. 1. Keep chasing your wife and being sad and upset when she runs away from you. dude, she's running circles and keeping you in hell. Choice 2. Start walking towards your new life, without her. THIS is the only way out of hell. Let go of her, leave her behind to burn in her own hell. It is her choice to be miserable and unhappy and YOU DONT HAVE TO FOLLOW HER PATH.
I think the only hope you (or I for that matter) have is to leave her behind and start walking out of hell. Maybe we will get lucky and they will follow us out, or maybe they will need to find their own path, but this is the only way out for us.

Strength and honor SD.


Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread
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Mountainman - believe me when I say I am much better than I was last month and each month before that - I am mostly just in a state of confusion that my W would prefer to have her own independant free life and give up nearly 50% of her daughter than allow me to do everything to make our marriage and family work - grass is greener elsewhere...



I swear my W is two different people.

After yesterday's fiasco, she called today all happy and offered to stop by my house tomorrow to show me my daughter's professional photos from daycare - so I can pick out any pictures I'd like to order.

I guess the all of the threats and accusations she threw at me yesterday are just history.

sure - fine - whatever

I guess I will need to put on my happy face - maybe make some pasta sauce to make the place smell appealing and homey.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Well said MM.

Yes single.....I don't want to beat this..but there is NO WAY to get them back with conversation, comments, etc.

The reason we let go is not to 'give up'...but to stop trying to fix and to refocus on OURSELVES. When we let go, we allow ourselves even just an eensy beensy bit of room to stop our hurt and redirect and grow. The longer you hold onto to hope, the more you will feel pain.

Overall, they don't come back to us after splitting up by anything WE DO to AFFECT THEM. They come back ..if they do..when they realize they've made a mistake or that what they are going to lose is far greater than what they will gain.

Sadly, tho', most of our WAW's will never see this and they are lost to us. The key here is to recognize that by not holding onto the hope of reconciliation...whic is oftimes a form of denial.

Should you 'give up' per se? No.

You should let go and grieve the loss. Run. Talk to us here...your closest friends...whatever works for you. By grieving it and letting go, you actually improve your chances in a sense. You stop pursuit. You stop comments that can be taken the wrong way. You have more time and emotional strength to make changes.

No more need for comments to 'bring her back'. No need to defend yourself. No need to sell her on how marriage is much better as a united family. Won't work.

Stay strong. We support you.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,470
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SD - Please listen to FIB. He's 100% on this. There is nothing you can say to her that is going to change her mind. I am learning this also and FIB is guiding me.

Get on with your life without her. That may make her see something in you she hasn't seen in a while. Or it may not. But the key will be that you are moving on. Once you do, you will start to feel better.FIB has been right on in my sitch.

I know that pdf is brutal to read. It makes me sick to my stomach!


M 43
W 44
M 17
T 22
S16,12,9
Bomb 2/05/08
I served her 1/06/09
S'd 3/15/09
D'd 12/21/09



"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
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My W stopped over Wed eve to have my look at pictures.

I didn't give my W any attention and cut her stay short by saying that D and I were going to the park before it gets dark. My D2.5 who wanted to go to the park, pushed my W away and told my W "Mommy leave" My W was obviously upset.

My W called later that eve and talked for over an hour about how to raise my daughter right, discipline, co-parenting, etc. I just listened and avoided arguing - not worth it anymore (even though I disagree with her stricter parenting methods).

Part of her lecturing me reminded me of why there are good aspects of being apart.

Now again going through withdrawal - not seeing my D again until Tues. eve.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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