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#1645847 - 11/11/08 12:27 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Faith - I still keep some hope even though it is bleaker and bleaker each day. I am in reality or it wouldn't hurt so much.

My STBXW and I just exchanged some harsh and angry words both by e mail and phone over her boyfriend sleeping over while our daughter is there (cleaned up for this forum), bad habits to our daughter, morals and honesty, etc.

I feel so bad and angry and hurt - but this is also the mother of my daughter and I hate things to be so hurtful. so I sent her another e-mail with a different tone:

"Obviously I love you and have loved you or none of this would be affecting me so much

I want to be friends with you, especially for the sake of our daughter... but I do not know how right now

I do not agree with the path you have chosen... I strongly believe our daughter will be adversely affected by your decision for the rest of her life - similar to the impact my father's suicide had on me... and your parents' divorce on you. My father was selfish in taking his life - not understanding that his actions affected and changed the future of everyone around him - it wasn't all about him alone. The same thing is true of Divorce.

I do not know how to work things out with you or if is is even possible while you have a boyfriend or if too many bridges have been burned and there will never be any turning back.

I wish we could have gone through marraige counseling... I think you gave up to quickly on me and our marriage - things were not that bad for that long. Or at least given me a chance after I now know the consequences.

You have made a life changing decision - You are caught up with someone else and has clouded you to the point where all you have is bad memories of me and our time together. Things couldn't have been that bad or you wouldn't have married me after 3 1/2 years of dating and then actively deciding to bring a child into this world together. I do understand that our viewpoints clashed to the point where we did not treat each other the way we both deserve to be treated. I am truly sorry for my part of that failure - if I could take it all back I would.

Your decision impacts more than your life - it drastically changes Brooke's and mine as well. I wish you could truly understand that

I have been given no choice but to live my life, or what is left of it, and take a new direction

Hopefully in the future - we can learn from our mistakes and make things right again.

Love, "


Daily I just wish this whole thing would just end - but I know it won't... as we do have a daughter between us.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1645942 - 11/11/08 01:44 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
SD...I feel your pain. Although what you wrote is written from the heart and reveals your feelings about your W and the destruction of your M, it is not helpful to her. You see...they don't see it that way. She MAY read that letter as 'your a bad person; you did it all wrong; your actions are wrong and hurting everyone around you; etc.

Is it true in reality? IMO, yes. How she reads and hears this...totally different story.

I think you are right in defining your borders with regards to strangers under the same roof that your daughter is sleeping under.

You have a difficult decision. Don't you have an obligation to your daughter NOT to let this go? SHOULD you have a LAW GUARDIAN INVOLVED? Think hard about this.

I know your pain SD. These S's don't have a lightening bolt hit them and suddenly they are back loving us. Whereas we think of this as the destruction of and losing a family...they think of it as losing a H and one that doesn't turn them on anymore.

Continue to detach and think about the safety of your D.
FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1645988 - 11/11/08 02:31 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Faith - I know you are right. I just felt like I had to vent again to her decision making - I know that it will have no impact. Why - I do not know.

But I feel better, knowing she knows how I feel. I've always hated the concept of what's done is done and move forward with your single life - because she is not dead and irreversible, we are separated and one change of heart and things could change (even though 98% of me knows it will not, 2% of me thinks things could be different in a couple of years). I know I can't do anything about it though and need to move forward.

I vent on the forums as well - But some things I want her to know.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1646631 - 11/12/08 08:55 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
Understood. Another issue that many of us have here (including me at one point)..is fear of doing what is 'right'...i.e. defining boundaries...out of fear of pissing them off and 'ruining a chance at reconciliation.'

Hogwash.

Although you don't want to enter into arguments or be dragged into one, you MUST protect your boundaries...your N.U.T.S.

Personally, I think that what your W is doing is a major infraction, one that needs intervention. She is married...she has a daughter...and is with a stranger.

No good.

JMO.
FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1646829 - 11/12/08 11:30 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
I have done what I think is right - and I have told her too many times how I feel about things and our daughter, etc.

Again, as you said, she is in another place and everything I say is worthless and twisted to her liking.

I was been doing much better for several weeks but now I have taken a major turn for the worse when I found about Ex sleeping with BF when Our daughter was in the next room.

Now I am in anguish again. I have not learned how to just accept it as part of the hardships of life.

My W telling me what a pit of hell I am, and in her view spoiling my daughter and not disciplining her the way I should be, and having my daughter see my negative energy - that I should just grow up and get over it - I am damaging our daughter. My W says she is doing her best to repair the damage "I" have caused to our daughter.

I just do not know what to do. Everything is screwed up. There is no chance of saving the marriage - every thing I have done to date is wrong.

I do no know how to pretend it doesn't bother me. I do not know how to pretend I have a great life. I do not know how to move on. ... I am in a pit of hell. Why am is so fixated on this? Why does it seem so many others can just shrug off their marriage and move on so easily.

I am worried I will never be happy again. I am worried about raising my daughter properly on my own when I have her. I wish my W were dead - at least then I wouldn't keep having any last thread of hope be constantly crushed. I wouldn't have the constant and daily reminder that my life has turned to crap.

I know I need to live my own life - but I forgot how. And I never dated much before I got married... not sure I want to be dating again, but I am so tired of being alone and hurt.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1646886 - 11/12/08 12:20 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Thank you Faith for talking with me and supporting me in my time of need.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1648043 - 11/13/08 02:06 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
You'll be OK. Your W is 'projecting'. Pit of a hell? Some legacy she has left for her daughter. FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1648552 - 11/13/08 11:17 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Jeff223 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 1841
Loc: Alabama
Hey SDad-

FIB asked we check on you. FIB and I have been together here for 2-1/2 yrs so I guess we are "vets".

Wow. Your post rings so true - and I am here to say to you that you are not alone. I have been divorced since January and it still hurts.

Every day. Big time. It will get better but not before it it gets even worse. Expect that. Prepare for that.

Every day I am denied my kids. Every day I am denied those hugs from someone who I thought cared. Every day I am to blame for this mess........

The rollercoaster will slowly smooth out. But it will take time.

And effort - on your part.

I am still work in progress. So I know it is not easy.

I know.

Quote:
I have done what I think is right - and I have told her too many times how I feel about things and our daughter, etc.

Yes you have. Told her "too many times"? Me too. It does little good b/c they are in a world of their own. They see us and only us as the problem. And there is nothing we can do to change that. But they must feel that way in order to justify what they have become.

How sad. They deserve our anger - and then our forgiveness.

Hard pill to sollow - but we must. The ONLY thing we have is our terms as men.

One of my terms is that I will never sink so low as to let another man (or my Ex) make me hate.

Quote:
Again, as you said, she is in another place and everything I say is worthless and twisted to her liking.

That is so, so true. So stop wasting your energy trying to contol that which you cannot.

Quote:
Now I am in anguish again. I have not learned how to just accept it as part of the hardships of life.

Don't rush the acceptance part. Process the anger, frustration, you fear of the future. That is how we heal. As men, we feel we must "accept" when we think we should. But the heart lags behind the logic. Let it. That is heathy.

Quote:
My W telling me what a pit of hell I am, and in her view spoiling my daughter and not disciplining her the way I should be, and having my daughter see my negative energy - that I should just grow up and get over it - I am damaging our daughter. My W says she is doing her best to repair the damage "I" have caused to our daughter.

It is ALL OUR FAULT. I am shouting b/c we need to accept that as a given and use it for growth. Sure, it is not all our fault but some was. What was that? How can I change that?

That is how we grow.

W is pushing your buttons. Nothing more.

It hurts. But I believe it must - so we grow as men.

Quote:
I just do not know what to do. Everything is screwed up. There is no chance of saving the marriage - every thing I have done to date is wrong.

You are doing fine. You are doing just what you need to be doing.

Have you been trying to "save" the M? Stop. Stop and see what happens. Letting go is so, so hard (ask me how I know) but that is the ticket to our future - with her or....

Quote:
I do no know how to pretend it doesn't bother me. I do not know how to pretend I have a great life. I do not know how to move on. ... I am in a pit of hell. Why am is so fixated on this? Why does it seem so many others can just shrug off their marriage and move on so easily.

Same here. That guy standing next to you in the pit is me. And FIB. And others.

Fixated? You don't yet know the true meaning of that word yet. And I say that not to dismiss how you feel - just the opposite.

Don't pretend. Ever. Feel those feelings. What are they telling you?

So many others can shrug it off b/c they are weak. They need the help. You and I and FIB and others fight the good fight b/c it is the only fight worth fighting.

Another term: my family is my life.

I am proud of that as you should be.

Quote:
am worried I will never be happy again. I am worried about raising my daughter properly on my own when I have her. I wish my W were dead - at least then I wouldn't keep having any last thread of hope be constantly crushed. I wouldn't have the constant and daily reminder that my life has turned to crap.

I could have written these exact words. All I can say is that this sucks.

I too wish my Ex were dead. But then again, she is the mother of my kids.

Ouch.

And as bad as it is for us, if we really love them would we not want them to be happy? If they truly belive that we are no longer right for them then should we not want them to be *free* in a sense? It is never a loving thing to *hold* someone against their will.

Yes, that sucks. But we learn here about unconditional love and we also learn the high road - the road more difficult but the road to be be on always.

Quote:
I know I need to live my own life - but I forgot how. And I never dated much before I got married... not sure I want to be dating again, but I am so tired of being alone and hurt.

Forget the *dating*. Those other women are not going anyplace. Focus on you and your child. Especially on you.

It will take time and it sucks. No sugar coating.

But looking at what you have written here, you will survive. Your character rings clear.

Last point - go talk to the lawyer. Here in backwards Alabama the judge will not allow overnights with a non-relative of the opposite sex if the kids are there. Not just if you are separated - holds true even after the D is final.

That is a boundary - my family is my life. If she cannot take care of business and set the example - we must.

Piss her off? Her choice, not ours.

If you are going through hell - keep going.

Formulate a plan. Execute.

Feel the emotions and use them for growth.

It sucks. And it is so hard. But you can do it.

You are not alone.

Strength and Honor.
_________________________
Jeff

Current Thread

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#1648862 - 11/14/08 10:42 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Jeff223]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
SD....you lucked out. You have Jeff here. I agree with all he says:
-you MUST feel the pain
-you MUST grieve the loss
-you MUST accept that you have no control over her choice to depart

By grieving and accepting the loss, you will face SEVERE pain, but, in so doing, it will be the first step in the healing process. I think I can speak for Jeff and others here that, once you make the choice to stop fixing and let go of the rope, you begin to feel better. It may take time and it make not be easy, but, it will lift a great weight from your chest.

The key..is how to handle and process those painful emotions as you embrace them.

Run.
Workout.
Spend time with friends.
Vent here.
Check out websites to help with GAL (eg, meetup.com)

You'll be OK SD. Expect rollercoasters. They happen..even to 'vets' like Jeff and I.

Hang tough.
FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1649453 - 11/14/08 03:54 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Thank you Jeff and Faith.

It all rings so true. I have to stop trying to save anything - and try to focus on myself.

I have posted at dating sites and saved some of the profiles I like - but have not yet paid for the service... still iffy on that... just doing the "winks"... If any "wink" back at me maybe I'll take the next step.

I have my daughter this weekend and a family party - so things should be good for this weekend anyway.

I'll keep checking in occassionally.

Thanks for your support.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
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