Key to the Highway

[karen43]

A bit of a rhetorical question, for anyone who cares to chime in: What is it with L's?

Well, from my experiences with L's this past year, my H and his OW both L's and my L and H's L, I have a very low opinion of Ls right now. I'm sure there are a few decent L's out there, but I think they are more the exception than the rule.

I do believe they are primarily motivated by $$$ and yeah, the more they can make in your case the better. Although that may not be better for you. I think their first interest is trying to get as much $$$ as they can and then their secondary interest is to represent you. So I would limit emails or conversation to only that which is essential for your L to know about. I've been frustrated too b/c my L has me come in every week, always wanting me to come in asap, and then there never seems to be much of a point to the meeting other than having me read some legal documents she filed. I mean I can read those at home for free!!! And she'll ask me to read them 2 or 3 times! Anyway, sorry for the digression, but yeah, just remember they are basically like those cabs where the meter is running, but the L's have a very expensive meter going at all times!!! I'm resolved after my D, to never, ever have an L in my life again!!! Karen

[karen43]

NC, what's up? Are you getting ready for Christmas? Hope you can post soon and give us an update!!! Hope you're doing well. I know a lot of people are getting some "crud" that's going around, so hope you're ok! Karen

[LL44]

Hey nc, haven't had a chance to chime in on attorneys. Even though we used the mediator, we thought she was way overpriced, and left and right, we would receive a bill from her for never less than $400. And these were times we weren't even in the office!!! She also wasn't unbiased (a few comments to me and to xH that weren't 'fair', but luckily we saw through them).

She keeps emailing me that she wants to meet one more time, to make sure everything is in order (house, insurance, retirement, etc). I spoke with xH and we both agreed we don't need to meet, everything is going fine and we are handling things. I will email her to terminate our relationship before she can charge us any more.

I can ONLY imagine when there are 2 lawyers and fueding people involved. These attorneys are going to charge a lot! I haven't totaled it up, but mediation cost us over $5,000. Not saying they are all in it to 'screw' the client by billing every single thing, its just the way the game is played.

I just found it really difficult because I would have so many questions, about our life, our future, our kids. But I was afraid to email and ask her because we didn't have $200 to spare that week. It shouldn't have to be that way for anyone.

Are you guys 'splitting' the divorce costs?

[NoCodeBlues]

Hello, Karen. Hello, Lwb. Hello, one and all.

Lwb, W and I each have our own lawyers now. Last Spring W hired that overly-biased mediator and we split her fees between us -- worst money I've ever spent. The personal L on the other hand, I feel, is in my corner, but she has proven to be more mercenary than I had anticipated. W's L is just another divorce attorney, all too ready to help someone destroy their family just to line her own pocket.

In the last two weeks, at W's suggestion we have eliminated (me grudgingly) the morning phone calls between our S's and whichever parent is not in custody. We've been having twice-a-day calls (once in the morning before the start of the day, and once in the evenings right before bedtime) since the separation began. Now, for some reason, W has rejiggered the whole deal and has tried to make it look like S7's idea. I find the length of time between contact to be too much silence. I already miss my S's as it is, and now to only get a chance to talk to them each night during W's custody is a bit much.

I have taken this time and tried to work it to my advantage -- I have gone about as dark as I can. And it hurts me to not talk as much with my kids, but I find it more peaceful without W's interference in my life.

When I dropped off the kid's stuff Friday Night during the change-over, W had some mail and other junk for me to take away. Half the stuff in the box, it turned out, were not even mine -- they were duly her mother's crap. And then hidden in the box was W's latest draft of the Separation Agreement (SA). So the box of stuff was just a(nother) Trojan Horse to get her version of the SA in my hands.

I've given up why she plays these games.

This morning, W sent me an email bomb again:

Hello,

I sent a whole box of clothes & only got 2prs of pants back. Can you please give us back what I sent. Also the kids made hot plates at school for me so I hope you didn't buy anything for them to give to me. The best present you can give me is to go the bank & sign the separation agreement & have it notarized & then give it to me can do the same. I only put down $700 for cs, but the lawyer calculated $905 so maybe if you sign the one for 700 they will accept that. I don't like you having them for 7days because I feel that you are a cold dark place I don't want to be & I don't want them to be. But S7 feels it is fair so if you will try to be loving & light I'll agree to it grudgingly. Please stop trying to guilt & shame me through them . Please, next time S4 cries & misses me pls call. I always have the 555-xxxx phone in my pocket.

You don't understand my anger & resentment. I repressed it for a long time. Scenes from the last 8 yrs flash through my head. While you were laid off I worked 6 days & did paperwork on the 7th. I cried every day for missing S7 & you didn't comfort me. I came in from working & had to cook or dish up what I had picked up because you didn't have anything ready for supper & do laundry instead of spending the time with S7. S7 was in his pen. Did you take him out to walk or play?....I don't think so. Kids need face time. Your face has been buried in the computer with your back to your family. I shouldn't have tried to make a family with you. I'm sorry. My resentment festered after that. I tried to just accept it & make the best of it, but it hurt me & S7 & then S4.

Something snapped in me after my surgery & I couldn't repress it any more. It had nothing to do with another man except that I asked several people at work (one of which was Sam because he cared for a special needs step son for 10 years & has experience with the school systems in Wake & Franklin county)about schools & where to move to when I left you & ended up talking about these issues & was told from what they've seen I have been a good momma. That melted a cold dark hard heart & I feel more alive & peaceful now than I've ever felt I think. The messages I got from you were that I wasn't disciplining the kids enough or right etc...... you could tell me the problem, but then turned your back & left me to find solutions & then mostly ignored them...or criticized them.

I'm sorry for failing you. For not being able to get through to you & get help with our issues before it killed our relationship. The person I am now is the real me. It's not right for you. It's not perfect. It is warm & loving & understanding & fun & firm but fair & good for the kids. Being away from them for 1 day tears my guts out.

W

This letter was yet another dagger coming out of the blue to stab me in the back of my heart. What on earth prompts her to spontaneously try to justify herself to me? So much of her WAW spiel is just so utterly wrong and so obviously a load of B-S, but for what purpose? My first reaction is how completely mistaken she is about so much, and how she is like this ignorant little pre-teen with misguided notions of what Love is or is not. I could go into each of her assertions one-by-one and blow them apart, but I am tired of her drama -- she won't listen anyway.

Mind you, I am not saying I was a saint by any stretch -- nor that she did not have a valid complaint against my failings and mistakes in our marriage. I most certainly screwed up and took our marriage and her love for granted, and for then foolishly despairing of life, even in the face of what blessings I did have. But when I look at her own actions and misdeeds, nothing I did could have ever justified her adulterous betrayal of me, our marriage and our family. Nothing.

So the bottom-line is that she doesn't have a leg to stand upon.

But still, again, why -- if I am such a horrible, unreasonable person, as she has come to need to believe -- try to justify her actions to me, the person she claims she has to eliminate from her life? Who is she still trying to pass her weak excuses off on -- me? God? her own self? A combination perhaps?

I have pondered a response, but at this point I really don't think it's going to matter. I've said all I've needed to say before, especially since there's nothing she will really hear anyway. This latest email proves that to me all too well.

This afternoon I dropped off a box of the kids' clothes on the doorstep of her apartment without knocking, and just continued on my way. I did the same yesterday with the junk that she had given me that belonged to her mother. W called me later to ask why I hadn't knocked or called first and to see if the boys might have wanted to see me. She said I was being too uncommunicative. Whatever.

My friend "M" suggested that I be the one to file the D. After tiring of all these futile efforts I've tried to save my M, I am at the point where I am considering it, if for no other reason than to maybe put an end to this torture. I have been in limbo for so long now that it has added more pain to this agony. At this point there's no other end in sight and to prolong it only impedes me from finally starting to heal from this injury. A last hour reprieve is a pipe dream where W is concerned. I have had to be brutally honest with myself -- unlike some other spouses, my W just does not have the spiritual depth or personal integrity needed to carry out a turnaround honestly and fully. I have lied to myself since we first met, and bought into this image of her as being an honest, loving and God-fearing person.

I know the fact of me filing for the inevitable D, were I to do so, wouldn't convince her of anything. She's too set in her mindset. In her perverted world-view she would probably laugh with glee were I to do so. She'd also try to say the D was my choice, even though she leaves us no other alternative.

But Biblically, because she is an unrepentant adulterer, I would be justified to decide to end this M. I have clearance as far as the letter of the scriptural word goes. I just don't know if my own conscious can handle it, even if my forgiveness of her brings no reconciliation.

But I am still (only) pondering it. I am sure that will be a topic of discussion when I talk intimately with my family next weekend.

(Sorry for the long post.)

[karen43]

[quote=NoCodeBlues]

I have taken this time and tried to work it to my advantage -- I have gone about as dark as I can. And it hurts me to not talk as much with my kids, but I find it more peaceful without W's interference in my life.

That's good--you're turning the lemons into lemonade. There always seems to be some good even in bad situations.

So the box of stuff was just a(nother) Trojan Horse to get her version of the SA in my hands.

I think she's kind of funny really. It's kind of laughable if you can think about it.

I've given up why she plays these games.

Hey, my H and OW are the ones that give my D9 whistle or music toys every week to annoy me. I'm guessing it's because their emotional maturity level is maybe about 10 or 12 years old??? My kids are more mature than them.

re: your Wife's email. She sounds like she is messed-up, guilty, she doesn't sound like a happy person to me. I do think some of the problems in your M certainly stem from the OM, but also I think the stress of having AS children lead many to divorce as well. You both dealt with the stress (it's such a huge amount of stress) just by dealing with it in different ways.

But still, again, why -- if I am such a horrible, unreasonable person, as she has come to need to believe -- try to justify her actions to me, the person she claims she has to eliminate from her life? Who is she still trying to pass her weak excuses off on -- me? God? her own self? A combination perhaps?

They all do that. My H is always saying stuff that leads me to think he thinks I'm a horrible person. One time he made a comment about me being a horrible mom and I'm like, WTH, I've devoted myself to the kids prob. almost too much in the past. They have to make you a horrible person in their mind, b/c if you aren't horrible, then she would be the horrible person in the R. And that's probably too painful for her to face.

I have pondered a response, but at this point I really don't think it's going to matter. I've said all I've needed to say before, especially since there's nothing she will really hear anyway.

I agree. I would ignore it or if not, then maybe just an empathetic letter about the stress you both went through and you both made mistakes in the marriage or something like that? Agree with the points she made that might have a kernel of truth in them?

W called me later to ask why I hadn't knocked or called first and to see if the boys might have wanted to see me. She said I was being too uncommunicative. Whatever.

Yeah, but I'm thinking if you dropped by to see the boys and visit with them during her time with them, wouldn't she also have been upset by that. Sometimes it sounds like you can't win or you're kind of set up. No matter what you do is wrong. So try not to worry about that kind of stuff, although I know it's hard!!!

My friend "M" suggested that I be the one to file the D.

But I think you have to make that decision yourself. No one can understand your own sitch like you can. Pray and think about it first before you do something you may later regret. I think you should be 100% confident if you file for D, b/c believe me it is an awful process.

I'm just glad you posted, and are ok! Karen

[cat03]

the best thing to do is not to get riled up, they have their own version of what happened and we will never ever see it the way they've set it up on their brains, picking only all the bad stuff (according to stbx, we "always"fought) so, no reason to beat a dead horse.

I hope regardless, you have a good Christmas)))))

[Yoyowife]

NC,
Hey friend. I'm sorry that she still chooses to be so unkind. Believe me you will come out ahead.

I watched a movie called "Women" the other night. It had Meg Ryan in it. Yes, it's kinda of a chick flick, but also I think it has a message in it for anyone who has ever been betrayed. She goes through a lot of emotions we all go through. I don't want to give away the movie, so if you get a chance, rent it!

Sending lots of hugs you and your little guys!

Hugs, Yoyo

Hugs, Yoyo

[karen43]

NC, don't know if you'd be interested but Yoyo, Kat, and I are going to watch it "virtually" together Saturday if you'd be interested in joining in? But I understand if you don't want to of course! Karen

[fightingirish]

nc...

Im sorry, her email is really messed up.

Yoyo is right, you will come out ahead, and at this point, I see you filing.

I wanted to say Merry christmas to you, and to tell you that you are a wonderful person, and you have lifted me up when I was really down. Thanks for being there.

Blessings~ to you and those sweet boys.

[NoCodeBlues]

Tal,

I really appreciate your kind words. I hope you and your family have a blessed Christmas -- and I hope the Lord can help warm your poor H's heart, for all of your sakes.

And I want to extend the best wishes for a very merry Christmas to all of you here, I don't know what I'd so without you.

W is so pathetic. It's as if she's trying so desperately to wring every last bit of love I have for her completely out of my heart. And the "request"/demand for me to agree to wrap up the SA as her idea of a "gift" to her is a gesture meant to stab me in the heart again. She called me directly today again -- not for business with our S's so much as to try to sell her case to me again about the SA.

Karen, Yoyo, I've noted you ladies talking about this movie "Women" in your own threads (and in Kat's) -- I will say you have piqued my curiosity. Chick flicks don't scare me as long as they're any good. And right now I'd rather be distracted by someone else's drama than have to suffer my own.

Unfortunately this weekend I will, by the time everyone sits down to view the movie on Saturday evening, will have just arrived in MS to see family (an 800 mile trip). I would really love to sit in with all of you for the flick, but I dare-say I will be catching up with my mother, my brothers and my SIL. Perhaps I will pre-view the movie Christmas night (the night before me and my two S's begin our trip.) If I do, I'll let you know.

God bless all of you.