Key to the Highway

[Gypsy]

Hey No Code..

I keep repeating to myself.. "What other people say about me is none of my business." If you are a good, genuine person that will show. If you a caring, involved parent.. that will show.

Walk tall, be the man and father you are. You actions will speak far louder than any explanations you feel you must give.

*hugs*

[karen43]

NC, just stopping by to check on you and noticed you haven't posted in a while. Are you just busying GALing and having fun with the kids? I hope so. Karen

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Karen, all,

I guess I have been busy with my S's. Last night I put a bike together for S3's birthday (he turns 4 on Sunday.) It is a Transformer's Bumblebee bicycle and he's in love with it already. Even S7 was ecstatic about it (I told S7 I was proud of him for being able to keep it secret from his little brother until it arrived.)

On another note, I am dealing with the continuing issues with S7. He's not been having a good week at school, the Y or at home -- this is the third week now in a row. He is not showing respect to me or his mother or his teachers. He has ignored me when I try to get him to take care of the few things he's responsible for -- getting ready for school, doing his assignments, completing his homework, leaving his little brother alone. This morning I was at my wit's end because he was making us late all yet again.

I have been losing my patience with him. I feel so bad for him that he is so very easily distracted, and that is bad enough. But when he seems to just ignore me altogether, to forget what I have told him even the very second the words have left my lips, I get so frustrated with him.

It's so bad now that my job is on the line. Maybe I'm a poor parent, unfit for raising such a high-maintenance child (he has Asperger's.) Maybe I'm not cut out for this after all. I pray to God to give me the patience and the wisdom to handle this, to be able to get through to him.

I fear though that if I lose my job over this, which is a distinct possibility if this persists (we let a 20-year veteran go last year for similar "scheduling" problems), the whole matter will be out of my hands anyway. The harsh reality is that I will likely have to move away to another area to be able to find another job in my career. That would mean effectively having to give up being a real father to my S's. And my STBXW will certainly use such a turn of events to push me out of the picture altogether.

But other than that, I have been quite calm. I try not to worry myself about W or any of her drama. She still occasionally tries to act all friendly and matter-of-fact about the whole thing, as if she thinks I now embrace her divorce. She still occasionally bends my ear about her day, how busy she is or not, and tries to give me the opportunity to commiserate with her and to congratulate her at the same time. I may give a polite acknowledgment, but I refuse to whole-heartedly pat her on the back. I don't offer anything about myself in return, simply because I know she's still only wrapped up in herself -- the truth is she doesn't want to hear it, not really.

So I just let it all slide off my back. In the past she's called that attitude "cold". Now of days, I just don't care what she thinks -- with this one exception: I only care what she thinks of me when it comes to how she and the people around her reflect those views in their interactions with my S's. I can practice humility and not be ruffled by slights against my character except where it gets back to my two little boys -- that is where I draw the line, and that is where I do get somewhat defensive. So that is why I find W's questionable correspondence with the teachers and other caregivers so particularly egregious.

The paranoid part of me wonders if all this is why S7 fails to respect me and fails to respect other adults. W disrespects me to others, so why shouldn't he follow suit? I know he loves me, but the confusion he sees in the foolish adults around him must give him ample reason to not trust or respect them.

[fightingirish]

nc... happy birthday to S4... Guess what My son's birthday is the same day!! He'll be 3 yrs old.

Im sure a lot of your son't behavior is learned behavior from what he has seen. More so from your Stbx... Its not good. All you can do is been there for him and be firm but loving.

I don't really know anything about aspergers, but is there some sort of support group for that?

You have every right to become defensive especially when it has to do with the boys, that's only natural, if you didn't I would wonder.

Im sorry your going through such a rough spot. I pray for you and your beautiful boys.

~ *hugs*

[karen43]

NC, my S15 is going through a rough patch too. Acting a lot like your S, but also definitely depressed. Saying he will never get married, that everyone gets divorced or has adultery. I think he's stressed out and that causes a lot of the problems/distractions for him. Maybe getting up 10 minutes early and having your S' clothes ready and that kind of thing might help, just letting have a little extra time now if he needs it. I also always have given the kids 5 minute warnings before we leave and that seems to help. ((((NC)))))

[NoCodeBlues]

Thanks, all, for trying to help me through this.

Unfortunately, I have come to the realization recently that I've got a boatload more hurt coming my way than I ever thought. I mean, I thought things couldn't possibly get worse -- it's only uphill from here, right?

Wrong. Thursday evening was about as bad as it could be for me, short of someone dying of course. Both of my S's, S7 and S3, independently destroyed property at their respective schools. This is the second time for S7 in mere weeks.

First, S3 decided to take a crayon and marker to a brand-new $300 bookshelf at his preschool -- marked it all up.

Then I found out that not only did S7 have such a horrible day in class (what we call a "red" day) -- failing to listen to his teachers or completing his assignments -- but he "found" another ink pen and decided to mark up the floor of the school stage in the auditorium during the YMCA rides-in program. This after damaging the school gym's floor with ink a couple of weeks ago.

Two wanton and independent acts of malicious destruction by my children on the same day. Both during my duty.

S7 is being suspended from the YMCA's before & after school program for 3 days, beginning yesterday. This meant me losing more time from work to drop him off later in the morning or to pick him up earlier in the day afterwards. To top it off, W and I got into a fight as to who was to be responsible for picking him up yesterday (a whole ugly addition to this trauma that I could have done without.)

On the drive back home after picking them up from their schools, I tried to question S7 about what on earth could have possessed him to do almost the exact same offense yet again, while the repercussion of the first heinous act is, even now, still fresh and unfolding. He could offer no real excuse, as you would expect.

After all the aggravation and frustration at this awful turn of events -- during my watch over our boys -- I broke down crying in the car as we drove back. I couldn't help it -- I know it was unwise of me to lose my composure in from of my two little boys like that. They are already suffering from the uncertainties and vagaries from the tragic disintegration of their family, and the impasse between the two foolish human beings God had entrusted to care for them, but were utterly failing at -- they didn't need to see their father break down like some weak baby of an adult, thus failing to demonstrate the proper traits of a good father to them even in that. And robbing them of yet more of the stability and security their father is supposed to provide them.

No, I sobbed like a little child myself. All I could think was that if they (or God Himself) had wanted to send me a clear signal that I was obviously unwanted and unfit to be their father, they couldn't have coordinated it any better. And this only plays straight into W's plans to mark me as so unfit to parent our S's that she can now dictate to me how much of a role in their lives she should allow me to have.

For two days now I've been pretty depressed. Fortunately, both of their behaviors yesterday, Friday, was a marked improvement, but then compared to Thursday it had to be better.

Still, I have been contemplating the distinct possibility that maybe I shouldn't be allowed to parent my S's. Oh, I do love them, and I can say for the most part they do love me as well. But I have to be honest and say they don't respect me, not really, and certainly not enough to fully heed my instruction to them. They no longer listen to what I say, or take it seriously. It's painfully obvious they take their lead from their mother in this, and I don't help matters none by weeping in front of them like I did.

There is something definitely going on with my two kids, and I am trying to get my mind around it. W and her mother are no doubt offering their own biased explanations.

I have a lot of soul-searching on this matter. I now question my effectiveness to even act as their father, especially given W's not-so-covert operations to alienate me from them, by subtly undermining whatever 's left of the respect they have for me.

Thanksgiving is going to prove quite bittersweet for me this week.

[LL44]

Unfortunately, I have come to the realization recently that I've got a boatload more hurt coming my way than I ever thought

I thought things couldn't possibly get worse -- it's only uphill from here, right?

I broke down crying in the car as we drove back. I couldn't help it -- I know it was unwise of me to lose my composure in from of my two little boys like that.

For two days now I've been pretty depressed.

Thanksgiving is going to prove quite bittersweet for me this week

Ok, no codes. I could quote more, but I am tired of copying and clicking.

I care SO much about you.

Please. Please. Rethink AD's.

I think you need them.

Wanna know why I think you need them? Because you are so upset over what your boys are going through, that you are actually re-thinking being a father to them.

Oh, I do love them, and I can say for the most part they do love me as well.

For the most part???? Nocode, I am shocked. You are their father. Their father.

But I have to be honest and say they don't respect me, not really, and certainly not enough to fully heed my instruction to them.

This might be partially true. However, I don't think they are disobeying you (or even your W) at this point. Your S7 has trouble listening and focusing, and this 'vandalism' is a perfect example of this. Because its an act that really doesn't have a reason, as your S7 proved when he couldn't explain it himself.

S3 (oops wait? S4, right?) has probably heard the discussion of 'marking up' property and tried it out himself.

This isn't blatant disrespect for you. Its your kids, trying to get out whatever they need to get out.

You leaving them would desvastate them, NOT DO THEM ANY GOOD. You leaving would lose their faith in someone that loves them unconditionally, NOT DO THEM ANY GOOD.

I just really hope you can see that you are in so much pain yourself, that everything else around you is clouded. The good AND the bad.

HUGS!

Oh PS: I am not not not dogging you for crying in front of your sons. I have done that. Not often, but its happened. We. Are. Human.

[Yoyowife]

(((((NC)))))),
I'm so sorry for your pain. LWB is right, you are their father and they love you. They are acting out, yes, but it's not in front of you. Do you think that S7 is doing it to spend more time with you? Think about it, when he gets in trouble you have to come get him. He is suspended from the YMCA program, thus getting to spend more time with you. He doesn't realize this is a hardship on you, he just knows he gets to see Dad.

Are the boys in counseling? I can't remember. Is S7 talking taling with the school counselor? Perhaps, you need to request a conference with his teacher, counselor, and principal and see if there are solutions you all can come up with. I think it would be wise for your W to be there too.

NC, don't worry about the crying, "Real men cry". I think it is good for little boys to see their dad cry. Little boys are brought up believing men don't cry, they are seeing that daddy has emotions too.

Wish I was there to give you a big hug, I think you could use it. Since I'm not, I'm sending your a great big virtual hug...

Hugs, Yoyo

[NoCodeBlues]

Lwb, maybe you're right -- I probably should see about getting back on the AD's, preferably something with fewer of the unwanted side-effects.

And "for the most part" means just that -- I hadn't been feeling much of the love from them for several days now. When they're with me I encourage them to talk to their mother when she calls. But when I call, W does not reciprocate -- my S's have been overly distracted and overly-stimulated, and they just haven't felt like talking with me. It doesn't help that W puts them on speakerphone and then monitors their talk with me. I don't mind her hearing what we say to each other, not at all, but her presence seems to impede their willingness to settle down and talk with their father.

This weekend almost every call I made, W would say nothing to me, put us on speakerphone and hand it to one of the boys-- and before I could even begin to say hello to either of them, S7 has said, "Hi, Daddy, I'm going to hang up now." He didn't want to talk to me.

I don't think this is due to some lack-of-AD bout of paranoia -- I know my W is alienating my S's from me in very subtle ways.

It doesn't help that she continues to expose them to the OM. The MIL came to visit this weekend/week and the two had the other man over there to help celebrate S4's birthday. Uuuuuugh!

My MIL has all along been aiding and abetting this A. She even blessed their "union" last year. I know people have weaknesses and faults, and that we all fall short of being worthy of God's grace. And I know there are some people who I can feel sorry for even when they are too foolish to repent of their sins. To embrace one's own sins is folly and only hurts themselves.

But I just cannot abide people who not only are willing and ready to damn their own souls but actively seek to take others down with them. I mean, what kind of person revels in the knowledge that they have passed down to their own children the very same sins that blacken their souls? Who thinks likes this? To feel so smugly justified in their miserable sinful ways simply because they've achieved the same dark results in the lives of their children?

God wants me to forgive those who trespass against me, even someone as rotten as my MIL. But I continue to have a very difficult time with that -- I am just not at that point yet. Especially when the wounds continue to be reopened every time they do something involving my kids.

When the MIL came up to visit on Friday, she had a bit of a fender-bender. I asked W if she was alright, which she was. But that has meant that the MIL has stayed on beyond the weekend while her car is being repaired in the shop.

Saturday, W sent me an email -- curtly telling me what I need to do. (1) again asking/telling me to meet in the parking lot of the church if I want to see my S's after the service, and (2) demanding that I pay off and close the line of credit still open in both our names. On Sunday, I complied with the former, but all the while I was wondering why on earth she thinks she can make all the demands about how this should go down. Her demand veiled as a "request" is so offensive to me. I have my S's to consider and I wonder whether it more prudent to not be bullied by W or to avoid a conflict. I regret it now because appeasement never works with an irrational aggressor.

When I picked up S7 for cub scouts tonight, MIL was still there in W's apartment. On the drive to the meeting was when I learned from S7 that the OM had been visiting, both Saturday and Sunday. I responded to S7 that I love him very much, but I do not approve of his mother's actions in this.

I also learned from S7 that the OM had loaned my MIL a car for her to drive while hers is in the shop. No wonder she loves that scumbag so much that she would help destroy her daughter's family!

Frankly, I don't know what to do but suck it up. Tragically, there's nothing I can do to prevent W from doing what she's doing -- such is the state of this immoral world we live in. Her continued disrespect towards me is the root for all the problems our children are having now with people in general who have authority over them. W continues unabated, oblivious to the consequences and my S's can only conclude that there is no Right or Wrong, and that Daddy and the teachers and the other caregivers are to be ignored.

There's no way to counter that short of removing custody from W entirely -- and there's no court on Earth that would go with that, even if I really wanted that, which I don't. Instead I see a slow, continual erosion in my relationship with my sons brought about by a selfish mother who has deluded herself into thinking she is justified in doing so.

I hate feeling so helpless.

I talked with my friends Friday night about this, during our Bible study group/get-together. They echoed some of what you said, Yoyo. "M" also suggested that I seek out the school counselors again. She said it was time I began a new, more concerted effort to work with the school to try to help S7.

I had opened a dialog last Fall with the then school counselor, but she moved on elsewhere since then. It is obviously time to re-begin that effort.

<sorry for the long ramble.>

[cat03]

I'm sorry to hear that NC, will keep you in my prayers. It's pretty sad/enraging that the WAS don't see the damage they do to kids just to get their way.