Probably so. That sounds exactly like something my ole' man would have said.
Part of me recognizes that I may very well be giving her the drama she desires. But then again another part of me feels like I need to also be careful to defend what is right. Sort of like how if someone lets an infringement to a copyright or trademark go unchallenged, then (by law) they stand to forfeit it. Likewise, I feel that if I don't at least state my objection to the offensive behavior, then I am, in effect, condoning it.
The trick then is to try to stay clear of the drama while asserting your position.
I'm not so certain the WAS, in my own case at least, really knows the truth. Subconsciously, maybe. But I think they have so completely built up a facade of lies and deception that they believe it themselves. I believe that if they have any conscience at all, for them to live with and perpetuate their actions, they have to suppress that conscious completely through delusion.
My W has a particularly virulent strain of self-delusion -- she is justifying her actions as being sanctioned by God. She is guilty of what Ravi Zacharias describes as choosing one's own way and then making it look like it is God's way for their life.
Quote:
Do you pray for her every night?
I do.
Nearly every night. Even when I have just cleaned the fresh venom out of my wounds again.
Well, I agree you need to hold firm to your boundaries. But pick your battles, some stuff if it doesn't really matter you could just let slide? I told H that I felt it was wrong and my feelings about having the kids around OW when we were married. But I don't think I can accomplish anything by continuing to bring that up. He knows my objections, and I think at some point he should realize what he is doing (has done) to our kids. Yes, occasional truth darts as Puppy said, but only if you can pull back and try to avoid the ensuing argument!
Yes, they are delusional. You know my H was recently telling me that his dumping me and taking up with OW was the reason my depression is better or whatever. Yes, aren't they just the most thoughtful wonderful people (in their own mind at least)! Karen
Got a response from my atty this evening, via email. She attached a copy of her draft for the Sep-Agreement. I sent her a reply to catch her up on our sitch.
I forgot to mention in this thread about another thing W said when she announced she wanted to scale back her employment. She asked me if I would consider to keep her on my health insurance policy with my employer -- even after a divorce. I gave her no answer as yet. I think she just doesn't want to lie in the bed she's made.
On another note, I was reading over some letters I have been writing to W and filing away since the bomb but never sending. I have a set of letters that i have been collecting that are addressed to my wife -- not the WAW, but the soul of my real wife. These are love letters to a person who has most likely, for intents and purposes, has died. I know she existed at one time, at the very least, so I am addressing these to her as if she was the same person I knew.
Perhaps, this is just a form of denial on my part. And perhaps this is preventing me from truly detaching and moving on. But then again, maybe someday in the future she will awaken again and encounter these old love letters from a sad man to his beloved prodigal wife.
((((nc)))) im so sorry, you and the boys don't deserve any of this. She is very misguided and very lost.
Your great when she needs you, but when she doesn't she's wicked and mean. This is signs of a woman that is a user and a manipulator, Unfortuantely she is the mother of your children, and they will also have to suffer her rath.
Im worried for you, it seems that when she gets mad at you she has mentioned she wants the boys taken from you. You need to document this and make sure your lawyer knows what she is saying. If she is leaving these messages on your vm.. don't erase them, it will just show how sick she is, and you made need this one day, unfortuantely.
Im praying for you and your boys sanity from this roller coaster ride.
((((nc))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
This is signs of a woman that is a user and a manipulator
You know every once in while, especially of late, I look back and compare and contrast W before and after. To have known the person she was, with me and with so many other people for so many years, and then to see her behavior now -- the dichotomy is startling.
It would be similar to hearing that, say, Betty White was convicted of being the ring-leader in a dog-fighting operation. Just so unreal.
I think that's why it has been so much easier for people (friends, neighbors, family and associates) to assume that I was the unfaithful spouse in our situation, especially given no other information to contradict that impression.
(It also explains why I can write two completely different types of letters to the same person, some filed as "To the Unfaithful One", and others under "To My Beloved" -- it's practically schizophrenic.)
It is amazing how they can change so drastically. Its really scary and for someone that is about to go out into the single world again, I can't imagine. When one person that you trusted and loved so deeply can just up and change their feelings and become something out of a horror magazine.
If it were me, if these people have this impression, I would have already told them this is not the case. You don't necessarily have to say everything but let it be known that you were not the quilty party. I think it makes it too easy for your EX to get off scott free. As long as your boys aren't hurt by it that is.
She hasn't been upfront with you with so many things, I wouldn't hesitate if you were approached.
((((((nc)))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I mentioned before that I had one of my neighbors approach me a couple of months ago with a question. I was checking up on the house and had the boys with me. When S7 and S3 saw the neighborhood kids playing in the culdesac, they insisted on playing with them. So I gave them a little time to do so before we headed back to my apartment. Meanwhile I shot the breeze with a couple of my neighbors. There came a point where I was standing there with one of them and she lowered her voice and said, "So, are you now dating someone?"
Astonished, I told her no, and that started a conversation giving me the opportunity to correct a number of false assumptions. I said nothing about W cheating on me, merely left that up to her to derive that answer for herself. In turn I gathered quite a bit from her, that W had, as I had expected, been playing the victim card. Not too difficult since I was the one who ended up moving out -- all she had to do was allow everyone to think she kicked me out of our home because of my supposed infraction.
While I did not slam my W like she probably deserves, I did leave our neighbor with a lot to think about. I am fairly confident she disseminated the information to the other neighbors, helping to correct the misimpression W has taken advantage of.
Perhaps that is why W went ahead and moved out of the house into an apartment like she did, before we even had a real offer on selling our home -- maybe she was feeling the truth of her culpability was going to be soon found out, making her interaction with the neighbors difficult. I don't know for sure. It doesn't matter now after all.
But the thing that grieves me the most -- and which I must try to find someway to attenuate -- is that W has most definitely made me out to be a monster before teachers and school staff. When she talks with them she lays the blame for any of S7's negative behavior on the fact that I was so disagreeable -- and that necessitated her leaving me. She tries to make it sound like she was forced to end our marriage to save our children from me. And even if she truly and candidly believes in her own mind this to be even half-way true, it is no excuse whatsoever to malign me so before our children's teachers and caretakers.
I know God wants me to forgive her, and that would be and has been extremely difficult -- except these transgressions against me continue even now. Having to forgive my W has become a constant and continual exercise -- it's getting quite old.
When she talks with them she lays the blame for any of S7's negative behavior on the fact that I was so disagreeable -- and that necessitated her leaving me. She tries to make it sound like she was forced to end our marriage to save our children from me. And even if she truly and candidly believes in her own mind this to be even half-way true, it is no excuse whatsoever to malign me so before our children's teachers and caretakers.
I know God wants me to forgive her, and that would be and has been extremely difficult -- except these transgressions against me continue even now. Having to forgive my W has become a constant and continual exercise -- it's getting quite old.
But forgiving is for you. It releases some of the anger, tension, and stress that you carry with you when you haven't forgiven someone. Your W is deeply flawed, and it would be good to forgive her, continue to pray for her, and feel sorry for her really.
Sure your W probably believes a lot of things or rationalizes her misbehaviors by blaming you. My H does too. It's easier than looking at themselves of course. If you are agreeable to everyone, I don't believe they will believe W's tales for very long if at all. People are smarter than you think. Well, most of them. Karen
NC, I know that your faith is strong. Just turn it over to him. That's all you can do. Don't let her get under your skin. She has a way of doing that, doesn't she?
As far as the health insurance goes, I don't think I would keep her on your policy. Would that make you liable for medical bills for her? Something definitely to discuss with your L. She wanted to be Ms. Independent, show her what independence all about. You will no longer be responsible for her, just those two wonderful little boys.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
But the thing that grieves me the most -- and which I must try to find someway to attenuate -- is that W has most definitely made me out to be a monster before teachers and school staff. When she talks with them she lays the blame for any of S7's negative behavior on the fact that I was so disagreeable -- and that necessitated her leaving me.
I forgot I wanted to say to you that my H is like that too. When we were at D8's psych recently, he was saying she doesn't have any meltdowns with me with the kind of voice, like maybe the meltdowns are b/c or caused by me or something? Of course, she does have just as many meltdowns with him, he's just not around to see most of them. It is ridiculous for a parent to blame the other parent for the behavior of their AS child. I don't think you should point fingers at any AS parent, although if I had to, I would maybe point one at the parent who has made the children go through a lot of change and instability (that would be your W of course). Karen
Karen