Notice how that because I am not automatically acquiescing to her decisions and giving into her demands, but actually raising objections to her wonderful plans, she considers me "hateful" and "biased". Because I won't give into even her most heinous and unreasonable of demands, I am somehow cutting her down and treating her badly. And because I have come to distrust both her and her mother's motives, nevermind their continual and unrepentant treachery, then I am somehow the toxic one among us. Mean, horrible NC -- shame on him for not going along with our nefarious schemes!
I think I've said it before: my W is DB-proof. She has raised the bar so high that I could never win her back. Her terms are complete and unconditional surrender, and were I to meet those demands I might as well give up my life, my freedom and my soul. And what kind of person would that make me? Certainly not a person worth being valued or loved by any right-minded person in the first place.
Would you really want her back at this juncture? She has become it seems the worst part of herself, and has no problem blaming you for her woes in life.
this is not someone to spend the rest of your life with, not at all.
She is not worthy of your love at this point.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
The person she is now? No. I don't want that person.
I admit that I do still love the woman she was. There is a still a part of me that truly and deeply still loves that person W once was, or that she was at least partially so (I have not figured out to what degree.) I loved the part of her that was like the paternal side of her family, especially her grandmother. And I can't / don't want to believe she absolutely deluded me for these entire 18 years.
But this last year and a half (two years almost) have taken their toll. So much damage, so much anguish, so much pain. She has been extremely successful in finally convincing me that she despises me now, that there is no real love there. She chooses to love only herself now, if she is even capable of truly loving anyone that is.
In that she has become her mother, the one person she had always said she never ever wanted to be like. And that is not the person with whom I had bargained to spend the rest of my life with either.
No, Tal, I would not take her back.
On the other hand, as a Christian, I realize that miracles do happen, especially where we give things over to God. Perhaps W might someday have her own Saul-on-the-road-to-Damascus experience and have a fundamental change in heart. Only then might we have some semblance of a real chance at patching things up and starting over. It would require that -- completely starting over. And as a Christian, I know that if God were to manage to turn her hardened heart and she were to repent of her sins against us I would be obligated to give her a chance, for the sake of my S's and our family -- at least while our marriage is still in effect. Even so there would be no guarantees either of us could overcome all that hurt that has needlessly transpired, even were we to completely forgive and trust one another. Although miracles do happen, yes.
But I can look to W's mother for precedence and realize how extremely slim the odds of that ever happening are. MIL has made it her personal industry blaming her past three husbands for all her own ills. I can easily expect W will do the same in her own case. Taking everything into consideration and given all that has happened, there is very little chance at this point that W would ever develop the humility and strength of character to recount her hateful trumped-up prejudices against me. I just no longer believe it is within her anymore. I can muse about the possibility all I want, but now I realize how remote the chances really are. And I think she is smart enough to realize she won't ever be pulling the wool over my eyes again like she did, so she knows I would see right through any further falsehoods and deceptions on her part.
Miracles do happen and it would be wonderful if one happend for you. All we have is faith, and be there for our kids, you already do both, that is all you can do.
Your a good man, with a good heart.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I totally hear you NC, I feel the *same way* about stbx. Yes, miracles do happen but stbx is in such a hole that it would take a monumental miracle for him to climb out of it, and he just doesnt have the spine to admit he's in a hole and only God can help him, it truly is a shame how the good man he once was is gone. I dont' wish him ill, but I won't hold any hope anymore not are waiting for miracles, I did that for so long that if it happens good, if it doesn't I'll be far along my new road of healing that it won't matter if it never did.
Have a good weekend)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes, miracles do happen but stbx is in such a hole that it would take a monumental miracle for him to climb out of it, and he just doesnt have the spine to admit he's in a hole and only God can help him, it truly is a shame how the good man he once was is gone. I dont' wish him ill, but I won't hold any hope anymore not are waiting for miracles, I did that for so long that if it happens good, if it doesn't I'll be far along my new road of healing that it won't matter if it never did.
Cat, that is exactly how I'm feeling too. I pray for H every night still, but do that for him and my kids' sake, not for the M anymore. I think it's better to go on with your life, and sometimes I'm thinking that we will prob. be better off in many ways (than our WAS). Karen
Hey, NC, I think I saw you on yoyo's thread or somewhere, but wanted to pop in and say hi. I'm almost done with another self-help book I had gotten a while ago and almost didn't read it b/c I'm not in the same place anymore, but it's called The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca. The subtitle is repairing your relationship on your own, and I'm kind of beyond that point, but I think it is a good read b/c I think I may always have these kind of issues in the future; maybe not with a S but with a boss or relative or whatever, or in other future Rs. Also, I think I will always have to deal with H in my life for the next decade or so just as a co-parent so good for that reason. One of the things he talks about that I think I'm "guilty" of is further these arguments when I defend myself or explain stuff or whatever, he says that just keeps the argument going, or gives it extra fire or whatever, even though of course not my intent. And just the importance of stating your position and not defending it or reacting to the blaming and attacking and stuff. He feels if you do that long enough, it does get better so I'm going to try my best and see! Hope you're having a good week!!! Karen
Karen, the book sounds interesting -- looking to see if its on Audible.
I've been so busy the last week, getting entries ready for the Pinewood Derby this weekend (with our scout pack.) S8's car is done -- already entered last night. He did a great job designing his first car. Since this is his very first time, I had to do the bulk of the work (not quite in the spirit of the competition), but he did help quite a lot. He can take pride in his handiwork. And I warned him that from now on he will have to do the bulk of the work himself -- next year will be a different story.
Tomorrow, we'll enter our second car (for parent and/or siblings) for the "Open" class race. S4 wanted the batmobile for his car, and that's what we're doing. He hasn't yet seen the final paint job, so he's going to freak out when he sees how it turned out.
W is being so evil. She is still proceeding with her plans to upset our S's lives yet again. I continue to raise my objection but she won't listen.
She left me (another) nasty voicemail today. She had apparently talked to S4's preschool teacher and had become incensed at what I had supposedly said to the teachers and staff. I had merely responded to their inquiries about what was going on in S4's life, what with his mother changing things up like this. Each asked me whether we, his family, were separated -- whereas up to this point I've been as discreet as possible, now that they are asking me point-blank about our situation, I am being honest with them. I said yes, W and I are separated; yes, W is changing up our S's daycare; and no, I was not included in these decisions. I pretty much left it at that, refraining from saying too much. I did ask S4's primary teacher if we should not discuss this in a meeting together since S4 was standing nearby when we were skirting around the subject.
W's nasty-gram basically upbraided me for (in her opinion) trying to involve our S's teachers in our dispute and for maligning both W and her mother in front of these people. She said a whole lot of hateful, insane things to me. Total lies and complete misrepresentations. All because I oppose her continual efforts to shut me out of making decisions in our S's lives.
As if to underscore that, my atty. forwarded me an email sent from W's atty. W is lying through her teeth now by claiming that not only had she tried to keep me informed of all these major decisions in our sons lives but also that I never seemed to really care about it any way -- and so for me to raise my objections now was purely out of spite and hatefulness towards W and her mother. The letter went on to state that W is considering "not agreeing to joint physical custody" and forcing them to seek litigation against me if an agreement cannot be reached.
Sounds like posturing to me.
I've responded to my atty. and we've scheduled to meet tomorrow.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I now want W to file her frakking divorce and get the bleep out of my life. I love her, yes, but W has so obviously lost her mind. I can see that now, and to what degree. I cannot and will not spend the rest of my days with someone so insanely nasty and hateful -- it would be far too damaging to both me and my S's. I thought I could weather any storm in hope that I'd find my beloved at the end of it all, but I am now convinced -- she succeeded in finally convincing me -- that my W is dead and gone, never to return.
The only thing that stays my hand and keeps me from walking away forever is my love and commitments to my S's.
sheesh! what a waste of time/money, how sad her behavior is so childish and contraproductive, I pray that you are able to get joint custody, I dont see any way of her to prove you can't have jc, good luck)) , you are in the thick of it but it wont' be like this forever, just stay objective and dont' respond to her nastiness.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Did you respond to your W's nasty vm? I think you prob. shouldn't, I'm thinking right now that you should just ignore the crazy stuff and respond positively whenever she is vaguely polite or civil.
If her vms or emails are really crazy sounding, have you saved them and given any to your L? I know my H saves every email of mine for some reason. B/c of that I try not to email him with anything that I wouldn't mind a judge and lawyers seeing, b/c I guess they might.
I feel like my H is kind of gone wherever it is they go and doesn't seem to be likely to reappear. I am moving on, as much as a married person can do, just focusing on me and the kids and trying to get healthy. If my H ever regained his sanity or returned or whatever, I guess I could worry about it then, but kind of a waste of energy to worry about it at this point. I do know that we can feel good about trying our best to be good, loving spouses and parents, something our WAS don't have. Karen
She is not worthy of your love at this point.
Karen