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#1645418 - 11/11/08 12:24 AM Key to the Highway
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
The road to here:

King of Pain
King of Pain, 2
If I Could Change The World...
Used To The Pain
She'll Think Of Me
Walk It Off
Winner At A Losing Game
Better Now
Worried Life Blues
Don't Think I Don't Think About It


And a blues tune to match:

Key to the Highway
by charles segar and willie broonzy

I got the key to the highway,
Billed out and bound to go.
I'm gonna leave here running;
Walking is most too slow.

I'm going back to the border
Woman, where I'm better known.
You know you haven't done nothing but
Drove a good man away from home.

When the moon peeks over the mountains
I'll be on my way.
I'm gonna roam this old highway
Until the break of day.

Oh give me one, one more kiss, darlin'
Just before I go,
'Cause when I leave this time you know,
I won't be back no more.

I got the key to the highway,
Billed out and bound to go.
I'm gonna leave here running;
Walking is most too slow.


_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1645422 - 11/11/08 12:37 AM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: NoCodeBlues]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
From the last thread before it locked:
Originally Posted By: Cat03
NoC, I was reading your other posts and read that your son takes Ritalin, does he have ADHD? I know quite a bit because stbx has it and while we were together I read up on it a lot and learned quite a bit and apparently diet can make a huge difference, and also the right kind of Omega3.


Hi, Cat, S7 has Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID). While he hasn't exactly been diagnosed with ADHD, it wouldn't surprise me. His mother asked his pediatrician to put him on Ritalin, because she read it somewhere that it might help SID or AS kids. The doctor agreed. I can't really tell it's having that much effect on him, but his behavior does seem more pronounced off the meds than when he is on (we give him the dose in the mornings, and it seems to lose its effect at the end of the day)-- but that doesn't explain last week.

We tried everything before we discovered the AS and SID connection -- diet, allergies, special cushions and blankets, etc. The Ritalin was a recent arrival.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1645442 - 11/11/08 01:54 AM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: NoCodeBlues]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Hi, Lwb,

Hi, Karen,
Originally Posted By: Karen43
Also you could look to 180s. I think your W seems like she is always expecting a fight from you, maybe often provoking them. I would be tempted to just agree when possible. Like with kids (I always seem to relate that to WAS) you have to pick your battles you know.


I wish I had listened to you or read this before tonight, Karen. Not that it would have mattered, unfortunately. I had a fight with W this evening.

It started out well enough until W called me again at the last minute because she was going to be late to pick up our sons and this is her week. I am a bit put off by the fact she wants to work full-time now but can't manage to hold up her end of raising our sons. She still tells me what a derelict father I was for working so may long hours, neglecting my sons and leaving it all up to her to take care of our sons needs. Now the shoe is on the other foot and she still thinks I am the one who's neglectful?

So my schedule was blown for getting S7 to his scout meeting tonight, but we made on time, just barely. We had a good time in the chilly air tonight learning about the flag raising ceremony and practicing being in the color guard. We also learned about a couple of knots to tie.

Then on the way home from the den meeting, S7 started telling me about how he, S3 and their mother dinked around with some tennis rackets -- given to them by the OM.

I said nothing, and then a minute later it came out of S7's mouth that the OM had visited on Saturday and had taken him fishing in the pond at W's apartment. S7 was describing how the OM took him to the pond while W just observed from a distance (she remained on the patio/deck of her apartment.) My blood boiled.

Then when we arrived at W's apartment, I maintained my calm, but W pointed me in the direction of endorsing the check for the house sale. She wanted to deposit the check and write me out a personal check for half that amount. I looked at the documents for the deed of sale and realized it was about 19,000 short of what I was expecting. So while W got S7 into his bath I sat down at her (formerly my) dining room table to look over the numbers more carefully.

Part of it I figured out right away -- they had gone ahead and taken out the annual taxes that were supposed to be in escrow even though they had been withheld in the mortgage already (I'm not sure they aren't double-charging us since they didn't even prorate it.) Supposedly we'll get that back from the lender.

The other part of about 15k I couldn't figure out. W came up at that point and said it was the second mortgage -- which is a value that I thought had already been accounted for. I was starting to think I was being hoodwinked here. But they won't dare do that.

So, frustrated and aggravated by W and her crappy misinformation to our agent, we were going to be taking home far, far less. I feel so bad that we've thrown away our house now for so little. I wish we had never bought it now that we're basically letting it go for cost -- we could have just rented if that's all we'd have seen for the heartache its brought, not to mention all the marital stress from our weakened finances. They say that real estate is just not the investment it once was, and that's certainly true -- especially if you're going to be stupid about it, like we have. But a house of our own was what she wanted, and I loved her enough then to give it to her. Now I feel like such an utter fool.

I bitterly endorsed the check, took W's check to me, bid my son's goodnight. As I walked to the door I said to W, "I hope you're happy. I hope this was all worth it."

W replied, "I'm sorry."

Me: "Are you? Really? This was such a waste."

W:"I'm sorry if I disappoint you."

Me: "It's not me any longer that matters in being disappointed. It's them [pointing to the boys bedroom]... and it's God above you should be worried about disappointing."

W, getting riled: "I am at peace with who I am. And God forgives me and accepts me as I am. He wants me to be happy."

And that's what launched another verbal exchange. She still plays the innocent victim in all this, making me out to be the monster. She says I never communicate with her, only "slice-and-dice" her figuratively whenever I do say anything to her. She said we'll never see eye to eye, that she has her opinions and that I think I am God.

Rather than persist in her personal attacks I told her I was concerned for my sons now. I said I did not appreciate her exposing our sons to her paramour -- she objected to the term "paramour", and I started to laugh, but then said, "Okay, then your adulterous lover. "

W then said she only had a "friend."
Me: "Oh, is that is what you're calling it now. We should all have friends like that!"
W: "You don't know what a friend is."

I asked her why she insists on denying what we both know to be true.

We said a lot more. Too much, maybe. At one point she said that I was harming our sons by displaying poisonous disrespect for her when they were within earshot just down the hallway. I told her "Pot-kettle."
Towards the end, I told her she has done so much damage in her scorched-earth policy that I just don't think we can even be casual friends ... or even congenial co-parents. Not anymore.

Finally I left. As calmly as I could, but still seething with anger and hurt.



In retrospect, W is certainly the mocker. And I was a fool to think she could be otherwise. I am tempted to follow-up with an email telling her she was free to do whatever she pleases on her own time but to stop exposing our S's to the OM. Then on the other hand, I guess that would be just more folly on my part.

sorry for the long rant.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1645450 - 11/11/08 02:21 AM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: NoCodeBlues]
FA Offline
Member

Registered: 10/23/05
Posts: 6266
Not a rant....truth by you....by the way...YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG TO HER!!!!

In other news, the kids are gonna come up with their own version of what they think of their mom...and I agree with you about exposing the kids to her OM...not cool...especially if there is a revolving door of male "friends".

Hang in their man.....following your scoop.


Edited by FA (11/11/08 02:22 AM)
_________________________
Man who walks with BIG stick!

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#1645583 - 11/11/08 09:16 AM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: FA]
cat03 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 4801
Loc: East coast
I hear you NoC, just fresh from one such talk, in which I just vented to stbx and he just poo-pooed it, I know I should've stop much sooner and that it went too far.

There is no way to "make" them see what they are doing, they live in a parallel universe with its own rules, we'll just come out as bitter if we keep trying to insist they see things the way we do. We dont' have control over anything they do, we never did, and in order to make the best life for our kids we must be, HAVE to be, congenial parents. I know you'll feel better and for the kids sake will deal with her in a collaborative way.

I'm still pretty riled up about stbx introducing gf#2 to our kids, a woman he just started dating, he thinks it's alright and no one else will change his mind. It is up to us to make sure we are not bitter nor show our kids displeasure or we will put them in the middle and like they have to take sides.

I can kick myself for the amount of times stbx and I have had heated phone arguments which the kids can hear, it is not good for them and Lord knows what they are thinking, I came up with a mantra I'm trying to put into my thick skull "you are damaging the children just have your say". I have to learn to cool off and wait til kids are not around at all to talk to stbx about something that might lead to an argument.

Big breath now .........
_________________________
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.

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#1645732 - 11/11/08 11:09 AM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: cat03]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Originally Posted By: cat03
"you are damaging the children just have your say".

That's really good, Cat -- I too will need to keep that in mind.

Quote:
I have to learn to cool off and wait til kids are not around at all to talk to stbx about something that might lead to an argument.


If I wait until the kids are nowhere around before talking with W, then we will never talk again. She hides behind them. She will levy a nasty barrage at me in their presence and the second I open my mouth she berates me for trying to put down their mother in front of them. She's a coward, a mean disingenuous coward.

I want to tell her, "Why don't you grow the h*ll up?!" You'd think she was still that petulant, mean-spirited 14-year old girl the way she acts. I know she has deep-seated problems with insecurity and self-worth, but that's no excuse for her lashing out and harming so many people who truly love her.

This morning, when talking to my S's over the phone, I asked S7 an innocent question about whether he had already seen the recent Clone Wars episode I had recorded for him. I then could hear W blow a gasket in the background. She yelled back at the phone held by S7 in his hands as they were driving down the road, saying that she already told me last week that she was restricting both of our S's television privileges for the week. And she asserted that for me to ask S7 about a show he was not being allowed to watch was cruel and tantamount to child abuse.

First, I calmly responded to W by saying we really should take this conversation offline. Then I said that other such punishments had been relaxed by her before, and I just wanted to know if I needed to keep some of his shows for when I pick them up Friday. I noted that both of my S's were no longer wanting to talk -- and it seemed to be lost on W that she had again committed the very sin she always accuses me of.

She later called me back on my work phone -- I let her call roll to voicemail. I then listened to it. First she said that because she had neglected to enroll either of our sons in any of the holiday or other non-school days for either the YMCA or daycare, that was going to cost an additional amount each month -- and she was going to split the charges down the middle with me. She has opted to work the holidays she is supposed to have custody of the kids and yet she wants me to help foot half the bill? I'm thinking I need to talk to my lawyer.

Then she launched into the conflict from the previous call telling me how my "teasing" our sons about the punishment she has been handing down to them was "taking a sharp knife and twisting it in their little guts." She also said that that action was "worse than anything" she might have done to them in my perspective.

She was on a tear, telling me that I had triggered her "mother bear mode" and said "I want to get them away from yo---" and then the voicemail ended abruptly.

She's a loon. Unfortunately, she's also a dangerous loon where my sons are concerned. I am thinking I definitely need to talk to my lawyer now.

God help her. Please.

_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1645815 - 11/11/08 12:09 PM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: NoCodeBlues]
cat03 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 4801
Loc: East coast
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
and she was going to split the charges down the middle with me.

heck no, I totally agree with you, her time with the kids= her responsibility to pay for their care if she chooses to work. I'm guessing the custody details are still in the works? please be as detailed as you can when the time comes to put it all in paper, every single holiday, teacher's day (kids off school) anything and every thing you can think of, she sounds like a very unstable and angry person willing to use the kids to get back at you or give you a hard time.

Yup, sounds like she acts like a total loon, even more reason for you to keep your cool and vent here and not to her, she is beyond reason and has no earthly clue how her aggressive behavior is hurting the kids.

Stbx was that unreasonable at the beginning and cooled of later, she may or may not (I think he cooled of after I paid off for the house, who knows).
She is not a reasonable person so thread with care when a convo is turning into an argument, make yourself stop and cut the convo and talk after kids go to bed.

I'm glad I made sense on my early post, though it should've read "you are damaging the children just to have your say", anyways, you know what I mean \:\)
_________________________
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.

Top
#1646232 - 11/11/08 05:53 PM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: cat03]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 5643
Like cat, xH was unreasonable and amazingly hurtful a year ago. He has cooled down as well. I just pray your wife does.

I don't agree that you should pay down the middle for the care since she decided to work. Are you working those days too? Can you offer to take them?

I am so sorry. So very sorry. You don't deserve this. I feel like you are walking down a road, trying to be a father, and she keeps throwing things in front of you, in your path, so you stumble. I don't like it one bit.

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#1646310 - 11/11/08 07:58 PM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: LL44]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Well, my STBX started out full-tilt Bozo crazy hostile right from the moment of the bomb. She has relaxed her war footing somewhat in recent months, often to the point of being semi-nice. I notice, however, that she's only nice when she wants something from me. This afternoon, after this morning's continuation of hostilities, she again flipped and started being nice to me again. I was PO'ed at her so I have not taken her calls, just let them roll to voicemail -- and she called a lot.

It turns out she was going to be gravely late in picking up our S's, because of work. At first she wanted to see if I would be on standby in case she had any difficulties with her last patient.

After her nasty threats this morning, I almost didn't call her aback and almost made the decision to ignore her request to pick up our children. Almost. And it really bugs me how she can now turn around in her professed contempt for me and put on that fakey, sing-song happy face. It really gets to me how fake and superficial her kindness seems to really be.

But in the end I don't want my two boys to suffer for their mother's indiscretion. So I yielded and went to pick them up. When W came to pick them up later from me, and at all times she has spoken to me, aside from the early morning altercation, she was just as syrupy sweet as anyone. Hardly the same person who usually makes habitation in her body. She thanked me for saving her (even paying S7's fees at the daycare -- yeah, I'm a sucker) and apologized for being late, saying she was working on going back to being per diem instead of sallaried/full time, giving her more control over her schedule supposedly. I started to tell her, "Welcome to my world -- the world of full-time work and demanding bosses."

But I realize it's just a matter of time, now that she has attained whatever object or favor she has demanded, before the facade 'll come down and she'll again wage her war against me.

It's sad that she wants to be the heroic single working mom, but cannot hack being full-time and salaried. She bent my ear quite a bit just today alone about her plight, like how difficult and demanding her bosses are. Whenever I, myself had in the past relayed my own work-related angst to her, she acted like I was crazy and exaggerating. And whenever my work prevented me from being able to be there for our sons, she certainly never cut me any slack.

I look back at her income in the three years prior to the bomb and I see how she let her per diem hours dwindle to nothing. Her work had become nothing more than a hobby, she got to goldbrick and pretend her contribution was as much as it ever was. I can forget and put aside the year after S3 was born but all that other wasted time meant she herself was the chief drag on our finances, and she was the one that complained the loudest about how poor our income to debt ratio was.

If she would be honest with herself, she would now realize that she had for sometime become pretty much a "kept" woman, especially when compared to so many other working mothers I know. She had it good, but she took it for granted -- just as I had taken our marriage for granted in my own way.

So, although I'm concerned for my S's having their mother away so much, I am also not quite happy that W is trying to retreat back to her comfort zone of minimal income, minimal outcome. If she thinks I'm going to pay for her to sit around on her butt and demand a greater amount out of my hide to pay for childcare, she's got another thing coming. I am not going to pay for her to go back to acting like a barely-employed housewife once she's no longer my wife to begin with, and when she is more than capable of pulling her own weight. Not on my dime she's not.

Again, I need to talk to my L.

_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1647422 - 11/12/08 08:48 PM Re: Key to the Highway [Re: NoCodeBlues]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
I am tempted to follow-up with an email telling her she was free to do whatever she pleases on her own time but to stop exposing our S's to the OM. Then on the other hand, I guess that would be just more folly on my part.


Well, I think some of your arguments are like my C calls "pi**ing in the wind". Just kind of no point to them, like the one about OM. You know the truth, she knows the truth, she just can't admit it, maybe b/c she would have to face some truth/reality.

I feel the same way as you do about the OP; my H spends most of his time with the kids with OW there also. Makes me sick. I asked him not to do that, but he continues to do so. I think my asking made it even more fun for them, probably enjoyable for them to do something that they know upsets me, definitely so for H. Why give her the satisfaction of realizing it bothers you?

I think you should try to go super dark with her. If it's isn't about the kids then don't bother to communicate with her. I don't talk to my H much at all anymore, just emails mostly. I assume when they are doing the active A's that being toxic and provoking arguments is something they feel the need to do, and you need to try to stay away from the toxic spew your W gives you. Do you pray for her every night? I was just reading in the bible yesterday about the grim outcome for adulterers so you kind of have to feel sorry for them in a way. Karen
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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