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This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write but I’ve got to share my story in hopes that someone may be able to tell me something that maybe I haven’t realized/considered/thought of. This is long, I’m sorry, but I believe that the more that I tell, the more able someone might be to understand.
Here goes…

I was 19 years old and had an anxiety disorder. Doctor prescribed low doses of clonopin, I took it, and everything was going well.

Met my future husband at 21 and married him at 24. Everything was going well.

After about a year, problem was (no sugar coating) I was the most immature wife a guy could’ve probably had. I would pick fights, say things like I was too young to be married, I’d go out like I was still single, not clean, not cook, nothing.
He gave and gave.
I took and took.
In the midst of all of this I was taking clonopin that a doctor had prescribed me for an anxiety disorder. By our 2ndrd year of marriage, I had built up a tolerance, by out 3rd year, it was out of control.

My husband became my caretaker. In every way, he took care of me-physically, mentally, emotionally.

After about a year of this caretaking and as it got worse (I would almost never leave the house) I got to the point where I knew I had to seek help.

I did and I successfully overcame my addiction.

When I got back, from a month in rehab, we thought everything would be fine.
The thing was, I felt more lost than I was before I went in.
I was supposed to be this responsible independent person who had it all together and needed no help from anyone.
Trying to figure everything, especially myself, out, I found it very awkward to be close to him. It felt uncomfortable to just kiss hello.
I told him I loved him but was not in love with him. I had talked about the possibility of divorce and how that was realistic but I wanted to go to marriage counseling.
Even through those thoughts I still wanted our marriage to work.
So we became roommates, not husband and wife.
We were co-existing.

After months and months of getting my feelings sorted out it became easier to be around him. I found myself suddenly wanting to kiss him and be close to him. I was feeling so great about our future, our relationship, everything. Once I got my head straightened out, I knew I could be the wife that I wanted to be, the wife he needed, and the wife that I should have been to him years ago.

Then a while later, in marriage counseling, he revealed that he did not have those feelings for me.

And here we are.

He believes he began to lose those feelings for me a long time ago, but he was so focused on caretaking for me that he neglected his own feelings, thoughts, needs.

We’ve been in marriage counseling for over a year now and there has been absolutely no progress whatsoever.
He simply does not have those feelings for me.

He has said, and I truly know, that he loves me so very much, would do anything for me in the world, but it’s “just not there anymore”.

We both agree that we have a better relationship now than we ever have but there’s just one very important thing missing: there is nothing romantic between us because for him it is just not there.

I am beyond devastation. I have so much regret and sadness. I don’t know what to do. What we should do. Our marriage counselor believes that we have the makings for a wonderful marriage.
Okay, that’s great, but she’s not helping. She’s suggested different things over time: go on dates, snuggle with each other, lay in bed and tell each other why you’re glad you’re married.
I am all for all of this but he does not want to do it.
He feels pressured and doesn’t want to do things that he does not feel.

It is obvious that he has distanced himself from me and I know that he has thought about separation and divorce.
I am at the end of my rope, I don’t know where to go from here.

In my heart of hearts I know we could have a wonderful life together, but it’s not enough for just one of us to believe. And I don’t know what to do-we are both so frustrated with nothing changing, time just keeps going by, week after week, month after month, nothing is changing for him. Nothing.

I know that the only way that things change is when you change them, but what should I do? Should I begin emotionally distancing myself too so my world doesn’t shatter if/when he asks for a separation?
Should I wait and be patient for him to come around-if he ever does? Should I look for another counselor, one who has a different way of counseling and doesn’t just keep saying “This is a very complex situation” ?

I’m so frustrated and sad and feel so very alone. I didn’t know a person could feel so alone.
Please, PLEASE, will someone give me advice, or just an honest “you guys aren’t going to work” or just anything at all.
Whoever you are who has read this, I know I’m far from the only one who is having marriage problems, which is why I appreciate you taking the time so much more.





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WOW! I loved this post! It really got me thinking what I would tell a friend living my situation.
I would tell her: leave him alone, let him REALLY think and, in order for him to do that, you REALLY have to distance yourself, physically and mentally: not being so available and be more misterious. It makes perfect sense!


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SMIlls, you need to read the parts of DR and DB that talk about "changing anything." If you look back at your relationship, for example, you said that your husband took care of you, that he cleaned and cooked. Why not surprise him and start taking care of him instead? A great 180 would be not to demonstrate desperation. Why not cook more often, keep the house nice, ask him how his day was, ask him to go out to do things he likes to do (if he says no and keeps acting cold, don't lose your cool)?
It seems to me that this guy loved you very much and for a long time loved you more than you loved him. It seems like he is just plain tired.


caverna's thread VII
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!!!!!!!!!!


JJ

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