Well, to recap...He got back in touch by beginning February and I DBed like it was an Olympic sport. By August, we WERE in daily contact, with phonecalls, thrice weekly visits, and emails 3-4 times a day from him, then it finally stopped on 3rd September. I saw his BMF and GF a few weeks later and SHE told me he was seeing someone, the girl he had been sneaking out of the house to phone in Aug-Sept 07, before he left me (but swore blind he wasnt interested in). She works with him as a Geologist, is 29, lives at home and was described to me as aggressive, not lovely, not funny and the hardest thing to hear of all "a f***ing b****". I hope he's ok, or maybe she isnt really all that bad, who knows.
I reckon he started seeing her around very end of August. I told him on 1 October, in a very DB-esque email that I knew about her and he emailed back the next day saying sorry and that he would like to still talk to me and that he would call soon for a chat. We've had a couple of brief emails since where he still says, he will call soon and even promised to call soon. So far, I'm still waiting! We still havent spoken since 4th September, which was the last time I phoned him.
Tonight I am meeting his BMF GF for a drink. She may not know much, she may not want to hurt my feelings, but she may tell me something. But I need to hear it. So, I will report back later...wish me luck.
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey Ali!! I have never written to you before but you were writing to ITH alot about astology and something that you wrote this morning struck me. You said that something was going backwards since May and should go forward starting this weekend, it calle dout to me because it was in May that my H moved out!! So I hope that this is some awaking period!! Sorry I hunted you down on here to tell you that..lol.
I do wish you luck tonight with meeting the BMF's GF and I hope that no matter what is told to you, you turn it into a good evening out.
She cancelled saying she's been so busy at work. Again. Thats the third time she's cancelled. I suspect she got a better offer as we were supposed to meet in an hour or so.
SOOOOooooooooooooo what happens Thursday.... to call or not call that is the question, now you will not get the information you were hoping for? BTW I,m a Cancerian.
Hey Naej.. well, I was thinking, to call cold might not go well, in terms of my goal to speak to him (so I need him to pick up!), so my thoughts are still to email him tommorow being more honest about my need to now speak to him? I have a flimsy excuse to email him.. to let him know I paid the money in and the mortgages (which go out tommorow) and that could serve as a gentle reminded to pay me back his half.
Then say..I would really like to have that chat, are you around this evening for me to call?
I cant stand it anymore.. its too wierd. All those years and then all the deception. Theres been a lot of discussion on my thread about what I am hoping to get out of it, you wont get what you want from him etc, and in RL people have asked my whats my goal, what do I want to get out of it.. and I had a moment of clarity earlier.. HONESTY ! He has never had ONE conversation with me that was honest, or allowed me to be and I definetly wasnt as I was doing all this DBing all year, which got me nowhere (and I am referring to the bits of DBing that relate to how I handle the WAS, not the bits to do with GAL, obviously)
What I want is to be able to stand in front of him and be honest, regardless of the consequences and regardless of his reaction.. as I said on my thread ages and ages ago when I first found out about her. I still havent had that chance. That long post (which was all about Scorpio and pain and digging deep and facing it so it doesnt eat away at you) must have been 3 weeks ago now. And it IS eating away at me. The Sun moves into Scorpio tonight.. so maybe tommorow is the day to finally SPEAK MY TRUTH. I had the date of 23rd in the back of my mind for some reason, and it seems to have worked out that way anyway.
So, need to write an email. Maybe I could say, I own some responsibility for what happened in our R, so I dont want to have a go at him, I just want to be able to put it to rest? I havent got a clue how to phrase it really, but thats it, my patience has run out. Its 3 weeks today since I told him I knew. I cant believe he could be so disrespectful as to not call me to apologise for letting me find out from his mates. If I was him I would feel totally ashamed of myself (thikn I may have worked out there why he hasnt called ! Lol).
Thanks Kalni, I dont know how to do it, I dont know where to start, I havent been honest for 10 months, its become a huge scary monster to say anything to him, I dont know what steps to take, I'm at a loss it could have come to this after 12 years of friendship. Ok, so he is seeing someone else, but I havent died! We still have houses, I still have some of his things, I owe him alot of money (I think he is unaware). I cant believe we havent spoken or seen each other since he started dating her. Its like that see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.. it doesnt mean that it isnt happening.
My auntie gave me a talking to (the one whose H left for an A when she was 8 months pregnant).. she said, I dont care about his friggin neck, I'd have written back saying I dont care if your neck is broken! She thinks he is unfair to moan to me about such things and doesnt think I should email him asking him to talk, she said he wont want to do it so probably wont respond. ??
She begged her H to talk and he wouldnt, he flat refused in fact. Eventually she wrote him a 30 page letter and posted it without expecatations of a response. He never did. It took her 2 years to get to that point.
Thursday is the start of 30 days of Scorpio, it seems like a good day to open your darkest recesses of your mind and speak your scorpionic truth. If thats what you were planning to do !?
Do whatever you need to do. Call him and if he doesn't answer, leave him a message that tells him you need to talk to him to gain closure for yourself. If he doesn't return your call, then e-mail or send him a letter that spells it all out. Once it is off your chest, there isn't anything more you can do.
You can't make him talk to you or respond in any way. Clear the air for you and look to move forward for Ali. I would also seriously consider trying to remove yourself from any and all joint real estate holdings w/ him so you can get that clean break.
It sucks to be disrespected. You've followed my saga, so you know I've received my fair share of it. Right now, you may be feeling a lot of anger toward BF b/c you've been the only one working for ANYTHING and that includes a real friendship.
It is ok to be angry. Anger is a good emotion that you need to allow yourself to explore. So, if you're angry and feel like you need to rip him a new one, DO IT! Whatever you need to do right now is the best course of action for you to take.
Remember, this has nothing to do about you and you don't need to wait around for him any longer. Figure out what you want and need to make you feel better about things, then go about getting it done.
I think that if you feel you must have closure and have decided to discontinue DBing him (more or less), you should email him and just say that there are some things you need to discuss with him, when will he have a chunk of time free to talk to you? No need to tell him what it's about beforehand unless he asks. I think that if you ask "are you free this evening for me to call?" you are going to hear excuses, didn't get to check email today, whatever. I think you will enjoy the result even less if you put him on the spot and cause him to think you are insisting on this happening NOW (not that you would be, but he might see it that way).
On the other hand, I can see valid reasons for taking other approaches too, so I'm not wedded to this idea. Speaking of being wedded, I think you are in a bit different sitch than most of the people here because you were never M, so he doesn't have to go through courts to dissolve your R officially; he can just slink away. At least with D, the WA has to indicate their position openly at some point.
Anyway, I just wanted to check in on you, Ali. I have a ton of work to get done by Friday, and I'm already behind on my sleep, so this is going to be one of my shortest posts ever! I haven't even had time to post on my own thread!
BTW, thank you for coming by my thread and posting to me when I was a basket case last week. I'm pretty much back to normal emotionally now (not that normal for me is necessarily...NORMAL on a standard scale!). So thank you for helping me get through that bad patch!
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I haven't even had time to post on my own thread!