I am new to this site and new to the DB community. I am in the process of reading the Divorce Remedy and it is the only thing that has brought me any peace and hope recently.
My husband of 10 years (we have been together for 12)left me on August 8, 2008. I am still devastated and crying everyday though my friends, family and therapist all say they think I am doing better and better. I am working on myself, reading, trying to keep busy and am exercising some.
My husband is 43. The first thing I noticed to change about him was that he was very upset at the notion of turning 40. For the first time, he did not want to celebrate. Over the last few years he has become vigilant about diet and exercise.
This last year, he has become more and more distant emotionally. Whenever I would ask him what was wrong he would say, "I am unhappy," but would never elaborate, saying he had no time.
We are both attorneys. My job has very normal work hours; his is insane. On a good day he would work 12 hours a day and often worked weekends. Now that he has left, he tells me he works 15 hours a day and 12 hours each weekend.
Just before he left he found out he has high blood pressure and now tells me he is having chest pains at rest on an almost daily basis.
I recognize that there were problems in our relationship. I had some serious issues with anxiety (I have been treated and am better now)and know that my issues took a toll on the relationship. Sad thing is, he left now that I am finally better. But I also know that his toxic worklife is a major contributor.
Anyway, he snuck home in the middle of the workday on 8/6/08, packed his things and left. He called me to tell me that though he would always love me, he did not think he was in love with me and that he could not be the husband I needed.
He did not contact me at all for five weeks. He would not tell me where he lived. After five weeks, we met. He cried when he saw me. I could still feel the connection between us. He admitted that he had not had any time to think things through. We agreed to meet weekly to talk about things. We had one really horrible meeting on a worknight. At our third meeting, I told him he seemed to be hiding from me. He agreed and added he has been hiding from himself. When I told him I still did not know why he left, he got very tense and told me he left because he was unhappy with me and unhappy in the marriage.
I told him it was unfair that he never told me though I had been asking what was wrong for over a year. I told him I never had a chance to address his concerns.
We met this past Saturday to talk about what was upsetting him. All he could come up with was that my moods were too volatile and that he never know if I was happy or not. He said that he know I believe marriage takes work. He said he has no energy left to work. He said he knows it is unrealistic but that two people should just be who they are; people have no right to ask each other to change. I asked if we could spend time together as friends to see if that connection is still there. He agreed but said he was concerned about it because he knows I will be hoping for reconciliation while he is not.
I love this man so much. He is a good person who is kind, caring and thoughtful. I refuse to give up on him and our relationship while I think he is not himself.
I just got to the part of Divorce Remedy where we learn the bit about not chasing the spouse and getting a life to see if that has an effect. I am trying to embrace the idea of not being the one to write or email him to hang out as friends to see if this might work. But, the last time I left reaching out up to him, he went 5 weeks without contacting me and even then, I contacted him.
Sounds possible MLC. Wierd how they sneak about doing things. Read some other sitches on the board and see if anything strikes a cord. It sounds like you are being very amicable right now.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thanks for responding. I guess you could say we are amicable. He is nice to me when I can get him on a weekend. It seems strange to say I am at a loss when he has been withdrawing for so long. Yet, in the past, we have always been able to talk through everything.
Now he says things like he wants change, he does not want committment. All he is doing is working himself to death. Have tried everything I could think of to reach him but am so scared that if I stop trying, he'll just wander off into the sunset on his own.
I'm Sanderika...I would like you to read some of my previous threads. Your sitch sounds a lot like mine. To find them click on my name and view my story. I have posted pretty much the whole story. Sadly though my H was having an affair. I hope yours is not.
My H left me over 38 months ago...H just filed for a D on 10/7/08. With that being said, you will learn a lot about a MLC from reading other peoples sitches. Knowledge is power. You need to know how to approach your H, there are good things you can do and bad things you can do. Avoid the bad things.
It sounds to me that your H is in a MLC. I want you to realize that our sitches do not always turn out the way we want them to. Mine did not turn out the way I wanted at all. We have no control over how it will play out. You need to let your H work through his feelings on his own in his own time. You need to have more patience for him than you ever thought imagineable. This will be one of the hardest most painful journeys you will ever encounter. I do not want to come off as sounding extreme. I have been through h*ll with my H in his MLC. I do not wish this for anyone. Read and Read and Read....gain all the information you can. I wish I had found this board back in August of '05 when this began, my marriage would have stood more of a chance. There are a lot of good people here and the advice is right on. I want to caution you to have NO EXPECTATIONS. I did and it doesn't do a bit of good. I didn't find this board until June of '08. OW he is with isn't letting go of him. I hope for your sake there isn't another woman. It makes the sitch more difficult.
My H and I have become friends and that is all good for now. Do I still have hope? Yes, but I have no expectations anymore.
Bettou, please read all you can. Do not share with your H what you are learning. Your H will not agree with you and you will only push him further away. If you do not see immediate results with people on here sending you replies, don't give up. Keep posting, sometimes it takes a while to be noticed.
A friend who cares,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thank you for taking the time to give me so much information. I am very sorry for what you have been going through.
I will take your advice and read a s much as I can. I am as sure as I can be that there is no other woman. H insists he is in no state of mind to deal with any sort or relationship, just wants to be alone. Also, he has said so many other hurtful things during this initial separation that I cannot imagine he'd hold back on that information. He believes an affair is the one thing that would end any chance for him in my heart. Since he is repeatedly telling me he is happy he left me and that he has no hope for reconciliation, it would be the perfect time to tell me if there were someone else.
I am now going to read your story. Again, I really appreciate your thoughtful response.
Beth, Sorry you have cause to be here, but glad you found the board.
I want to clarify something Sanderika said (not to speak for her, but to give my interpretation of what she was talking about).
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
I want you to realize that our sitches do not always turn out the way we want them to. Mine did not turn out the way I wanted at all. We have no control over how it will play out.
This board and site exist because MWD believes that one person's efforts can save a marriage. We only have control over ourselves, not our S's (or kids, or anyone else). However, if you try a different approach, you just might get a different response. The trouble is that the approaches that come naturally to a person in a sitch like ours--well, they will get a response, all right, but we won't like it. It is necessary to just about turn yourself inside out, and in many ways do exactly the opposite of what you feel like doing with regard to your H, before you have much of a chance at all of saving your M. And you have to keep it up for longer than you ever thought possible.
Read and reread DR. Check out all the resources on this board and site. Read other people's threads (and post to them, that helps them be aware you are there and start posting to you).
I hope your H is not having an affair. Sadly, most of the M's on this board involve at least one.
Anything your H has complained about, try to fix if you think it will make you a better person--not for him, that's the beneficial side effect. Try as best you can to GAL. Be careful that whoever you talk to about all this is loyal to you and will not betray your discussions to your H.
There's probably more I could tell you, but I'm falling asleep just typing, so I think it's time for me to quit!
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I second Dawn. This board has been a God send. Also one person can make a difference. Even if it is as simple as making yourself feel better.
Don't discount A. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but my H too has said he is not ready for R. Although I don't know if there is OW in the physical sense, I do know that there is/was someone he considered a "friend". Unfortunately, this friend has not given H good advice as to working through his problems, she has encouraged him to do what he wants. Maybe if I was in his shoes I would think that is good advice but....
You are still very new at this and very hurt. It will get better and it will get worse. Post, read, learn, and be forthcoming here about your feelings, confusion, and thoughts before you act on them.
People will come and talk to you. They will. I have made some very good friends on here and we laugh and cry together. We share recipies and believe it or not they have really become a part of my life in the sense of friends. And Dawn with all of her personal confusion, is very wise.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thank you both Dawn and Kelaaron for your thoughtful responses. I am trying to stop chasing H. At our last meeting, we agreed to spend time together as friends but I am resolved to let him contact me first, even if he never does. I know he knows I will always be there and believes I will only wait so long before reaching out. I will not do it.
I guess I am really not ready to even consider that there might be someone else, it is just more than I could bear right now. Other than his departure, there have been none of the traditional signs of an affair or even a friendship with another woman.
Yes I understand. OW can hurt. But you know what? It shows you what you will and will not be able to deal with. It makes you stronger within yourself. We all think we will act one way in a situation and then when the sitch happens, you might act totally different. I have a friend on here who I relayed her sitch to a GF and she said I would never put up with that. But when you love someone, you put up with a lot. It also shows whether the love is unconditional or not. Yes eventually, you have to focus on your own mental health, but running is not the answer in most cases.
I have been told by many older people who divorced and are remarried (relativly happily), that if they could do it over again, they would. My parents, who have been divorced for over 20 years, still tell me they would get back together. It is wierd hearing it from both of them. Of course they don't even talk anymore but.... Interesting.
You have to stop chasing. Believe it or not, he will probably contact you. It may take a while, read Yellowrose's sitch, her H would disappear for weeks at a time or more. Then he would resurface. Reading here helps you know you are not alone going through this horrible thing. It also will help you to understand that the mind just isn't right.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
That was one of the hard things for me was not calling him at work. I have made it easier on myself by saying that I am not going to call him because he might be with OW. When he is with me he doesn't answer when OW calls, so I don't want him to do that for her if I were to call when he was with her.
I try not to persue H, but it is hard as he still lives at home, and we sleep in the same bed. I get mad, but I just try not to let him know.
It isn't easy, but the friends I have made here have made it possible for me to survive!!!
