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#1954461 - 03/09/10 01:30 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: hoosiermama]
Gardener Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/09
Posts: 3831
Loc: Connecticut
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I'd like to find someone to love and be loved by while I can still remember his name.
And with that, Gardener is pleased to present hoosiermama her very first Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac



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#1954521 - 03/09/10 03:04 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: Gardener]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I'd like to find someone to love and be loved by while I can still remember his name.
And with that, Gardener is pleased to present hoosiermama her very first Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award!! laugh laugh laugh

oh, thank you, thank you! you like me, you really like me! I'd like to thank all the little people....
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1954533 - 03/09/10 03:37 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: hoosiermama]
LolaL Offline
Member

Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 4715
Loc: Hilton, New York
Awwwww that is the first time in a long time I have been referred to as little.... sniff.... wink
_________________________
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..


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#1986645 - 04/20/10 10:59 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: LolaL]
pollyanna Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/09
Posts: 676
Ok them question time:

When is a rebound not a rebound ?

What says you jump straight into another relationship - actually before you have even left your marriage and 18 months your still with them.... Does it mean that the WAS just does realise thay are rebounding ? I will say in my situation with XH he does not look terribly like a man in love !

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#2041085 - 07/19/10 09:38 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: mastateflower]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Really, I cant believe people meet people here. Seems like everyone has a broken heart and are completly strung out emotionally. Me included. I would like someone new. I can get someone new but it is not the same if you are thinking about your ex the whole time. I dont think that I am ready but then again it has helped in the past. All my relationships problems have been solved by a new girl. I whine and cry over one until a new comes into my life. Now, I already know that is probably not a healthy way to fix the problem but it has helped get me out of the dumps. Maybe I haven't been healthy all my life. All my girls where screwed up some how. 1st wife was still married and had 4 kids that I didn't know anything about. 2nd wife a pill head that lied and betrayed everyone around her, sold my clothes and kids clothes for drug money. cheated and lied. Maybe i am suppose to be single. I can't pick them. I just like being in love or I like feeling that someone thinks I am great and loves me. When they don't anymore it just floors me.

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#2099704 - 11/02/10 06:34 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: mastateflower]
flowmom Offline
Member

Registered: 01/13/10
Posts: 2466
Well I guess I am in a new rebound relationship -- almost my second already!

"Rebound" has a negative connotation, but I guess I don't believe that rebound relationships are necessarily negative. I don't believe that all sexual/romantic relationships necessary have to be long term or lead to marriage in order to be a positive force in both people's lives.

After the shocking and unexpected abandonment by my STBXH in January, I was heartbroken and devastated. I had to do a LOT of grieving and personal work and take ADs just to get to the point where I was functioning and able to feel anything positive. I also DBed pretty hardcore for six months -- the time that I had given my STBXH to "change his mind". But there was NO indication of any doubt in his mind...he was DONE.

After 8 months I was GALing, had come a lot way towards accepting the end of my M, was feeling some optimism about my life. I saw STBXH in a more realistic way and was recognizing the positives of not being married to him.

But I was fixated on him as a romantic/sexual partner. I couldn't "break the spell". I was also feeling a huge personal vitality and desire to express myself as a woman and to live the passion that had been buried for so many years in my marriage.

I decided that I was ready to start dating and since I never meet unattached men I decided to do online dating, starting in late July. My new boyfriend (Guitarist) was the first man who contacted me on the site, the only man who I've dated through the dating site, and we had our first date (coincidentally) on what would have been the 10th anniversary with STBHX. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?

All I can say is that I am open to heartbreak and disappointment with this relationship, because the blessings of my time with Guitarist are so huge. We have incredibly similar situations, needs, and gifts to offer one another. It may well be a rebound situation, but it's also very healing. We are both mature adults and we recognize that we don't have a crystal ball to know where this relationship is going. We are ready to let things unfold as we continue to get to know one another.

We both went through years of lack of love, attention and sex in our marriages and we are both going through personal rennaissances where we are enjoying our lives and renewing ourselves through GAL and stengthening ourselves as individuals. We are both involved and devoted parents, with a lot of work and "life stuff" that doesn't allow for a lot of time together. We can fill one another's cup with passion, affection, and appreciation. It is a lovely experience. As mature adults who have been through a lot, we are focused on being in the present and we don't take for granted the intoxication of spending time together.

We were not cautious in how we proceeded in our relationship. Our first meeting was three hours of walking, talking, and instant attraction and connection. Sharing our passion started on our second date. There hasn't been any foolishness in terms of fast-forwarding to the future, but things have moved very fast, with becoming boyfriend/girlfriend after 10 dates (some pretty long/overnight ones wink ).

I am trying to follow my gut here, and pay attention to what feels right and what doesn't. I was also dating another man at one point (not at the same time as Guitarist) and that showed me that I still have "hooks" and am capable of being attracted to a man like STBXH. It was good to notice how uncomfortable and anxious I felt in that situation, especially compared to how I feel with Guitarist. I feel safe with Guitarist and I think that my intuition is a very helpful guide.

I am lucky that I have close friends who give me feedback on growth. They wouldn't push me towards dating if they thought I wasn't ready. But when I thought I was ready to date, they encouraged me to go for it. They helped me to look at the worst case scenario: if a guy dumped me or I got hurt, how much would it hurt and how long would it take me to get over it? I realized that I could afford to take the risk with some belief in my personal strength. That was tested when "hook" guy dumped me after 5 weeks of dating where a lot was clicking, but the emotional connection wasn't there on his part. It hurt and it triggered feelings of abandonment and unloveability from the separation. But I also recognized that it was all the same stuff and I was able to recover and move on relatively quickly.

I am blissed out with new Guitarist, but also committed to
* dealing with the harsh life stuff of needing to increase my income, dealing with legal/financial stuff, etc.
* intense counselling for my procrastination issues
* continuing to GAL in ways other than Guitarist
* continuing to put my children first (they are totally unaware of Guitarist being in my life)
* continuing to work on relationship with STBXH to achieve my goal of a relaxed, friendly, collaborative coparenting relationship

I think it's a mistake to generalize about relationships and the path that people need to take. As Gypsy wrote, being velcroed to the sidelines and not taking risks can be negative too.

Recognizing that I don't have the perspective and experience of many who are posting here, I guess the advice that I could give to anyone is:

* do whatever you need to do to become strong as an individual

* face reality 100% in every area of life and deal with anything that needs to be dealt with

* if you have children, put them first

* don't follow guidelines about dating and relationships...if you want to date then look at what the rewards could be of taking risks as well as your own ability shoulder the consequences if things don't work out

* when connecting with another human being, don't be stuck in the past, don't project forward to the future, just be in the present and tuned into how you are feeling and what you are experiencing now -- being in the present is the only way that we can live on the edge while maintaining our personal safety

* be open to having a relationship that's right for the present -- it's not a failure to have a short- or medium-term relationship that is healthy but doesn't lead to marriage or long-term commitment

* doing personal work is very important, but humans are designed to grow and evolve in relationship...no matter how we perfect ourselves in a vaccuum, it's often in relationship that we see ourselves mirrored, experience the triggers, etc. that allow us to develop and differentiate as people

Thanks for all the stories and advice in this thread. It's very interesting even though it seems that I'm in the minority with my experience and perspective, perhaps because I haven't walked down the road toward (and past) divorce as far as most of you.
_________________________
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.

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#2100011 - 11/03/10 11:59 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: flowmom]
musclegal Offline
Member

Registered: 12/19/09
Posts: 104
Hi Flowmom, I like your post. I'm involved with a nice man, trying to keep it separate from my "mom" life, and seeing how different he is from my XH (who I'm now trying to figure out why I ever married in the first place--interesting twist!). The relationship started out passionate but has cooled down--mostly because we don't get to see eachother very much. I have primary custody of the kids AND I still want/need to spend time with friends, so the time and distance works to slow things down. Sometimes considerably!

Yesterday I was talking about the relationship with my therapist, and how sometimes he's frustrated by how little time we have together. I kept saying "it might work or it might not". She asked what that meant--like would it work if we got married and not work if we didn't? My answer was that was probably it (even though I don't know if I ever even WANT to get married again!). She then said something interesting. That if you are training for a marathon and your only goal is to cross the finish line, you are setting yourself up for disappointments. That getting in shape, being outside, sleeping hard at night...all those are part of the marathon training even if you end up walking the last 2 miles or if you pull a muscle and don't even cross the finish line. She said I need to focus on the process--learning how to communicate better, enjoying that he treats me like a princess, getting close to him emotionally...all of those things can make the relationship "work" even if over the long haul we don't end up together. I am VERY worried about causing anyone any pain (or incurring any!), but she said that nobody knows the end at the beginning and to just try and be present in it and enjoy it. And towork on myself IN the relationship--by saying what I feel, by being honest, etc...that he will then get information that he needs to decide what works for him or not, etc. So, its a different twist.

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#2100161 - 11/03/10 03:49 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: musclegal]
flowmom Offline
Member

Registered: 01/13/10
Posts: 2466
Originally Posted By: musclegal
The relationship started out passionate but has cooled down--mostly because we don't get to see eachother very much. I have primary custody of the kids AND I still want/need to spend time with friends, so the time and distance works to slow things down. Sometimes considerably!
Interesting. One could see how less time together could work the other way, no? Limited time is definitely a factor between my boyfriend and I...from both sides. But I think we both feel comfortable with the relationship being just part of our lives, where work and parenting responsibilities loom large, as well as GAL activities.

Originally Posted By: musclegal
She said I need to focus on the process--learning how to communicate better, enjoying that he treats me like a princess, getting close to him emotionally...all of those things can make the relationship "work" even if over the long haul we don't end up together. I am VERY worried about causing anyone any pain (or incurring any!), but she said that nobody knows the end at the beginning and to just try and be present in it and enjoy it. And towork on myself IN the relationship--by saying what I feel, by being honest, etc...that he will then get information that he needs to decide what works for him or not, etc. So, its a different twist.
I think this is really good advice.

This is how I define relationship success for myself right now: enjoying passion, connection, and companionship with my boyfriend, and growing as a person in a relationship context. Can this happen in a rebound relationship? I don't see why not.
_________________________
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.

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#2100715 - 11/04/10 11:32 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: flowmom]
musclegal Offline
Member

Registered: 12/19/09
Posts: 104
Good definition! I think that the passion has cooled for us, too, not just because of time but also because both of our spouses had affairs leading to divorce. Not wanting to get hurt again is a big factor. That falling off a cliff feeling was scary for both of us. So its a more slow and steady deal.

I do wonder if we're being too careful emotionally but neither of us wants to get our socks knocked off again.

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#2100969 - 11/04/10 05:01 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: musclegal]
flowmom Offline
Member

Registered: 01/13/10
Posts: 2466
Yes, the trust thing is tricky. I think that my boyfriend both have the "falling off the cliff" feeling and it is scary. I think I probably have more trust issues than he does. My heart is guarded even though I'm gradually opening to him.
_________________________
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.

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