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#1649643 - 11/14/08 05:55 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: Reincarnated]
mastateflower Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/03
Posts: 2742
Loc: California by way of Massachus...
Sorry Donna,

She went on and had a happy life with the knowledge that Jack didn't want to leave her side...we however have all had a different experience!

Gigi
_________________________
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar

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#1655779 - 11/22/08 03:38 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: mastateflower]
calimom66 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/11/06
Posts: 3
My ex is still with his rebound...actually started to date her while we were married. Everyone said it wouldn't last and 2 years later...breaks my heart still. I am dating but waited until the divorce was finalized and it is nothing serious. My children still hate the ex's GF. They have even told me I needed to date. I have been very careful not to involve anyone with them.

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#1655832 - 11/22/08 07:00 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: calimom66]
naej Offline
Member

Registered: 11/14/01
Posts: 3790
Loc: UK
Calimore, I am sorry but I think your experience is more the norm than the exception.
The phrase I have begun to hate and I still read it all the time is that the OP is just a bandaid!!! Not true from years of reading. It may not last (often does) but it certainly doesn't mean that the WAW returns, often they just get another OP.
I think the type of Affair and length of marriage has a huge bearing.

Sorry for the vent, it's just that once again I see a newcomer(not on this thread btw) clinging to this bandaid cliche. I know we all need hope thats why we are here after all, but I think rather than vilify rightly or wrongly,the OP, more helpful practical advice could be given.
Concentrating on how awful the OP is is in my view not helpful to our growth or well being.
Ok Off my soapbox now.
Hope you all enjoy the week end.

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#1656185 - 11/22/08 05:34 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: naej]
keyzblew Offline
Member

Registered: 06/25/02
Posts: 5835
Loc: Ohio
Oh Naej, I had to jump in here cause your words ring so true. I've read so much during everything I went through and have seen so many types of situations here that no matter what, a spouse just doesn't necessarily come back. Nor is it really true that the OP is just a bandaid to cover their wounds.

We all want hope in the beginning our Ms will reconcile, but both spouses have so much work to do they often come out the other end as new people. I sure did. I think some of the hope that needs to be spread is no matter whether your M survives or ends in a divorce you will be happy and whole again. A spouse leaving or marital difficulty is definitely up there on the trauma and stress scales but we need to let others know they do recover and go on to have good lives. Focusing energy on the OP just sucks the life out of a person!!

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#1656463 - 11/23/08 06:49 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: keyzblew]
pammie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 1391
Loc: alabama
Naej and Keyzblew
I couldn't have said it better myself.
My x-h's bandaid has lasted 8 years and they have been married for 3.
Are they happy? Who knows. They put on a great show if not.
Does it bother me? Not in the least.
I am just happy not having to deal with a lying, cheating husband.
I am a much stronger person than I was in the day of DBing or ass kissing as I call it.
Happy Thanksgiving
_________________________
[color:"red"][b]Pam[b][/color]

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#1658555 - 11/25/08 02:40 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: pammie]
mastateflower Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/03
Posts: 2742
Loc: California by way of Massachus...
Naej, I agree that it's very hard to have a newbie jump in and start using the DB terms. Poor soul hasn't figured out yet that their spouse is not coming home and if they did it would probably be a disaster!

I remember when I was just starting out in this thing, reading the books like they were a bible, looking for every possible answer and thinking that had to be the reason! It takes a lot of time to understand what really went down.

As for my X and his new person, yes they are still together and now they have a baby. I expect the marriage to last as long as she wants it to. I can never see my X admitting that he made a mistake. She could be the biggest B---- in the world and I'm sure he would stick it out...that and who the heck can afford two xwifes!!

I actually hope he is miserable and stays in the marriage. KARMA is a wonderful thing!

Gigi
_________________________
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar

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#1697905 - 01/20/09 03:37 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: mastateflower]
pauld2100 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/08
Posts: 305
Loc: California
can anyone in here tell me how my W might be dating on the rebound after she left me? she has had more then 3 bad turn outs dating already but has started dating one person and is not really that serious or hasn't showed it. I slipped a short time ago and told her i loved her still, while she is out dating. she is dating just for something to do. she relpied to my message that she would probly love me for the rest of her life but has to move on?!?!? I don't pursue her at all. she seems to be dating just to keep distracted?! with the problems she has had with dating could it run it's course? One thing i did wrong in the begining was pursue heavily that seemed to be what made it come to this. I just wonder since I haven't chased her for some time if she would hit that wall and realize what she is doing? I don't call her at all she has called me hear and there and I put on the happy act as much as I can. I think she has made another step with this person and had sex but she is still just in what seems like a holding pattern. she is sure not to give me hope but I can sence the person I knew just bearly when she does call. WTF I am at a loss, I have had almost no contact for more then a month. her kids have both seen me a couple times and both were very happy to see me but I don't tell her about it I know if I was to say anything positive she kills it quick...
_________________________
Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over

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#1700899 - 01/23/09 09:13 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: pauld2100]
pauld2100 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/08
Posts: 305
Loc: California
this has to be the most insightful page! My ex is doing exactly what most of you have said using friends and family to boost her reasons to leave none of them would ever go but wait a second! If a close friend came to you and complianed about thier R after being in here would know that they were just looking for support in doing something totaly stupid. I have already run across this with other friends almost spliting and told them no way you should split. they didn't, I have been asking myself how I can even care about my W when she can do this, is it because I know that she can be immature and not see it at all? so I try to help her over and over? or is it because MLC or I didn't do this right or that in time? who is accepting anymore. I would have to accept everything in order to get peace and this is the way of things now a days and even when I do everything for peace after a while they adapt and find other reasons. now match two people that are accepting and they would probably never be attracted to each other because it's so compatible that it would never work? hence the feeling of thier wanting to leave, they think they want campatiablity and thats not even close to reality. they what someone close but that would be to easy.. I'm sure a mature person would know this and the campatiable one would fit right, and not be perfect but accepting. I really don't know of anyone even couples that seem perfect you find out later it's not. Is it common sense or physical, common attraction to what? It seems that we have over the years changed all perception of what an R is! Maybe there is no way to really stick with one person human nature? so explain, why we could all have it simple if we wanted it...
This is the second time my W split and tried dating...


Edited by pauld2100 (01/23/09 09:22 PM)
_________________________
Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over

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#1702243 - 01/26/09 10:24 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: naej]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: naej
The phrase I have begun to hate and I still read it all the time is that the OP is just a bandaid!!! Not true from years of reading. It may not last (often does) but it certainly doesn't mean that the WAW returns, often they just get another OP.
I think the type of Affair and length of marriage has a huge bearing.

Sorry for the vent, it's just that once again I see a newcomer(not on this thread btw) clinging to this bandaid cliche. I know we all need hope thats why we are here after all, but I think rather than vilify rightly or wrongly,the OP, more helpful practical advice could be given.
Concentrating on how awful the OP is is in my view not helpful to our growth or well being.
Well, I took the bandaid cliche as differently than you. Maybe I read it the wrong way, but I see that as happening in my sitch. Both of us had problems/issues which hurt our M. I was needy, dependent, and depressed. H has anger #s and controlling, self-involved. I have spent the last year, over a year now, working on my stuff. I've become more self-sufficient, independent, and happy.

My H hasn't worked on any of his issues, but got involved in an A with a married woman with kids, i.e. a temporary bandaid to cover up his #s. Eventually though the excitement of a new gf will probably fade, and he's going to still have issues that will cause him problems in the new R or he will have to deal and work on them. So I've always thought that analogy is kind of true in my sitch and maybe some others too. Karen
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1702435 - 01/26/09 01:15 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: karen43]
naej Offline
Member

Registered: 11/14/01
Posts: 3790
Loc: UK
Karen, you may be right about your H but I still feel the same about the phrase.
I am glad to see that you have recognised and worked on your issues, too often though the advice that OP is just a bandaid stops the spouse from working on their own issues as they feel the waw spouse's bandaid will be a temporary thing and they will just return once it is over.
Many will never return from an A or move on to another one and the LBS still waits in limbo.
As I said I do think the length of marriage has a bearing on the outcome.
I guess we all take what we need from cliches which is a good thing.

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