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#1684087 - 12/31/08 10:28 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 1037
Hi Tim...
I know what pissed me off early & had me pulling back is that my H wanted to be all the way to stage 4 without fully getting through Stage 3 or even 1, for me.

I needed (need) to go 'back' & clean out the cobwebs from the old junk.. I need to clean out the corners of the basement (be heard & understood about the things I was resentful for) before moving forward to shore up the foundation with friendship, romance & before reconiliation.

Neither of us was healthy enough to try to do stage 1 right... you understand my sitch enough to know why... we are getting there.

If your wife is not in IC, she may not be healthy enough to do stage 1 yet and still holding in some resentment of wanting to be validated for her feelings of 'what it was' to her. I see that she thinks things are getting better.. does that mean 'safe' to her?

I hear you wanting to just move forward, while she may need to still look back... WHY she needs to look back may be for a different reason than mine...it's not that I'm not willing to look forward, I just want to understand & be understood as best we can to prevent it from happening again.

Just my thoughts from my perspective with my H and needing safety first before working through those negative emotions especially the hard ones.

Hugs to you & happy new year!
Bridge
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Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

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#1684117 - 12/31/08 10:54 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
right now I'm the only one allowed to be negative and wallow...and since I'm the only one allowed and you were sort acting like you wanted to I thought I might just take the opportunity to smack you back into reality abit.. ;\)

I've got bangdages and alcohol if you need the drinking kind



I just got done reading through your last couple of days. Sorry for taking some of your steam.

As for normal I have to agree with Racefan it all depends on your perspective and who really wants to be normal. Normal is boring, it being like everyone else. Your too good for that, were all to good for that for what we have been through and what we have learned and became.

As for the drink, I could use one about now. between all the working I have been doing and the mental masterbation I need something to feel numb for a while, take the edge off so to speak.

Have a Happy New Year, and here's to a better '09 for all of us.
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#1684131 - 12/31/08 11:07 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Bridgestone]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone

If your wife is not in IC, she may not be healthy enough to do stage 1 yet and still holding in some resentment of wanting to be validated for her feelings of 'what it was' to her. I see that she thinks things are getting better.. does that mean 'safe' to her?

I hear you wanting to just move forward, while she may need to still look back... WHY she needs to look back may be for a different reason than mine...it's not that I'm not willing to look forward, I just want to understand & be understood as best we can to prevent it from happening again.

Just my thoughts from my perspective with my H and needing safety first before working through those negative emotions especially the hard ones.

Hugs to you & happy new year!
Bridge


She told me she was going to go. She told me that I had moved forward while she stood still and she told me that she needs to make herself happy and that I can not do it. But I have no idea if she went and knowing her as I do she did not.

I have validated her feeling, told her I was sorry for all that I had done. Have proven to her many times in how I reacted to certain situations that I am not the same person I was. Things that use to upset me or send me over the edge have not. I take it all in stride and move on. Its who I am now, its who I want to be, its who I should of always of been.

I understand your reason for looking back and making sure. I never got P with her it was all emotional with me. I have changed that, I control that and most important I know what use to set me off and I avoid those things at all cost. Knowledge is power and I have that over myself because I know who I am now and what I was then.

I am so happy that things are improving for you and I hope it works out for the best. What ever that may be.

Take care and have a Happy New Year.

Tim
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#1684158 - 12/31/08 11:30 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
whiskey.tango Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/08
Posts: 676
Quote:
What changed, I changed, I finally grew up, got tired of being a miserable SOB, not in control of my emotions, blaming her for my unhappiness, expecting her to change so I would be happy.


At that time, what changes did you want her to make to make you happy?

Now, the R you describe that you want with your W sounds like a whole new ballgame. From what you post, you've never been as close and intimate as you want right now, yes? What's her LL?

Hope you have a great NYE and wishing you much happiness in 2009.

WT

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#1684389 - 12/31/08 03:23 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

At that time, what changes did you want her to make to make you happy?


I would like her to change the fact that everybody comes before me. The kids, her family, the house, her job and I get what is left and that usually boiled down to nothing.

Also I want more physical contact as I have stated here many times. I need her touch to know that she still cares. It sort of like telling a woman that you love them. They may know that you do but they need to hear it now and again.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

Now, the R you describe that you want with your W sounds like a whole new ballgame. From what you post, you've never been as close and intimate as you want right now, yes? What's her LL?



That is correct we have not been an overly affectionate couple. But why can’t that change is my question.

Her LL are Words of Affection and Acts of Service. I have really done the Acts of Service but Words of Affection are harder. I do thank her for doing little things for me, tell her she looks nice, compliment her on being able to get so much accomplished and being so organized.

So I am trying really hard to meet her needs even though I am not exactly sure that is what she wants because she does not tell me. Then again she may not know herself
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#1684398 - 12/31/08 03:39 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
whiskey.tango Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/08
Posts: 676
Quote:
I would like her to change the fact that everybody comes before me. The kids, her family, the house, her job and I get what is left and that usually boiled down to nothing.


OK, so that hasn't changed. From your previous post, I thought maybe you wanted changes that were different then as compared to now. I understand that you realized that to help her you needed to change the way you were - making you more approachable, happier.

Quote:
That is correct we have not been an overly affectionate couple. But why can’t that change is my question.


Is she affectionate with others? Is her family touchy feely? Some people just are not comfortable with physical touch. As you try to show her love by using her LL, I can hope she will be willing to meet you in the middle.

I just keep hearing from you that she won't talk about her feelings. She needs to let you in. Out of your control, I know and I'm just typing characters. You know all this. You're banging on a brick wall right now. She chooses not to let you in. And my gut feeling is, at this time, this is all she wants. She throws you a bone when she feels you may be annoyed, and slaps you right back into limbo. I am so frustrated that she won't go to C. It could all be sorted. I know it could.

WT

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