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#1683981 - 12/31/08 01:21 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Tomato]
Tomato Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/08
Posts: 4058
Loc: Northeast
you must be talking about your's and my bro

za nebraskan wonderboy ..are ya?
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#1683982 - 12/31/08 01:22 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Tomato]
Tomato Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/08
Posts: 4058
Loc: Northeast
losing all the posessions was a tip off ..though I am sure there are others like that
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#1683983 - 12/31/08 01:23 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
whiskey.tango Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/08
Posts: 676
Quote:
She went upstairs and got changed and then came down and sat on the couch with me, right next to me. We did a little talking but I made my answers short and she touched my leg a couple of times while we watch tv. WTF is up with that BS.

I pull away and she comes after me but when I stop pulling away she takes a step back. I fu**ing hate games, I’m not in high school and I don’t need this chitt. Do it or don’t, commit or don’t, get close to me or don’t but this back and forth should I or shouldn’t I is ridiculous. I am nearing the end of my patience. I want to continue being with her, spending time with her but not without some sort of effort on her part. And not without some open honest communication about where we are, where we have been and where we are going. And I will be second fiddle to no one, I’m better than that and I deserve someone to give me their whole shelf and nothing short of that will do.


Has she always been able to put the R where it's comfortable for her? What happens if you recognize this opportunity and the next time she makes a move, you make the next one? Get a little closer.

You do deserve an equal partnership. When she does her small physical gestures, it reminds me of a pity f#ck. But, again, I have the feeling she's been running this R from the start. It's a hard adjustment when the other person wants to have some input. Control.

Quote:
I know that was not how we were in the past and I know it will be akward at first but its how I envision it to be.


How was it in the past? What's made you want to change the dynamic?

WT

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#1683988 - 12/31/08 01:28 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: JDOllie]
Tomato Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/08
Posts: 4058
Loc: Northeast
Originally Posted By: JonF
Distressed,
You have described W and I for TWO and a half years! I have supported her through many thing - I went to alot of counseling, focused on myself, got close with God, started being a better father, and so on. I started doing it for W, then realized I liked what I was doing, and finished up doing it for ME.

In the whole time, W has refused counseling, half-committed to being friends, used me - I have supported her financially, emotionally, in her schooling, and so on.

Stick with the changes that you like, but do it in a nice way. You can be distant, yet friendly. Smile and respond, but don't go out of your way.

I have been solid as a rock, consistent with almost zero change, been a perfect husband, and W still thinks I'm faking it after 2.5 years - I don't care. I know who I am, and what I've become, and if W can't see it, that's her issue.

She may never change her mind, and yours may not either, but that's not the concern - what do you want to be for YOURSELF?


cudos to you my friend. I'd like to think I am of the same sort of mold as you and when it comes to hanging tough with the Lord, I most definetely am.

That's a pick me up you provided. If there is more than one of us "getting a face kicked in " for the sanctity and love of M then ..I will not say that we or at least I am not cukoo but the company is always good ..LOL


T
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#1683998 - 12/31/08 01:46 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Quote:
What happens if you recognize this opportunity and the next time she makes a move, you make the next one? Get a little closer.


I agree here..what's she gonna do?? pull back maybe..do more of the same??

personally if she made a move of any type and I was in your shoes..I'd be moving back..

I'd make the attempt..and if it ended up a pity F**K then I'd keep myself emotionally centered and I'd take the pity F**k in the hopes that it may just spark something in her..

DB'ing is a fine line...cross the line one way and you're a doormat, cross the line the other and you're the best thing going today....then you have those husbands/wives that just sort of straddle that line...in limbo..

what sucks is you have to be prepared for the best while preparing for the worst while waiting...


Edited by M from Tennessee (12/31/08 01:46 PM)

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#1684004 - 12/31/08 01:58 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

I'll be quite honest Tim and you won't like this...

you have NFC brother...

you and your sitch....tame compared to one I know about that is no longer posted about here...and the guy is still working like hell..and he gets weekly pull-backs...his W is there one minute, gone the next..he faces financial ruin(bankruptcy)..has been doing this for 1 year +...has lost almost all his possessions

games..brother..you don't know games...how would you like it if she had sex with you one week, then when dark on your assss the next?? maybe dark for weeks at a time?? maybe sweet as mollasses one minute and blaming it all on you the next..

he's in the alternate by the way if you ever want to hear from him..just let me know..Him and I talk almost every day..

remember how I said, "don't let that talk with her about where she is, get you spinning"...

got to stay emotionally centered brother..at all times..


No offense taken and I really don't have a clue how bad it can be because I have read alot of peoples stiches here that amaze me at how cruel and insensative people can be. And I don't post much because sometimes I feel that I am whinning and my problems are minor compared to others. I don't know much about Racefans problems and what he is dealing with but I do hope for the best for everyone of us out there fighting the good fight.

I am feeling better now and more relaxed after posting and reading everybody's responces. Its why I knew I had to give myself time to process it all and why I posted all this stuff here. It allows me to think and read and not act on impuse which gets me in trouble. It allows me to clear my head and get it all out and then I can get myself recentered and back on course.
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#1684019 - 12/31/08 02:22 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

I'll be quite honest Tim and you won't like this...

you have NFC brother...

you and your sitch....tame compared to one I know about that is no longer posted about here...and the guy is still working like hell..and he gets weekly pull-backs...his W is there one minute, gone the next..he faces financial ruin(bankruptcy)..has been doing this for 1 year +...has lost almost all his possessions

games..brother..you don't know games...how would you like it if she had sex with you one week, then when dark on your assss the next?? maybe dark for weeks at a time?? maybe sweet as mollasses one minute and blaming it all on you the next..

he's in the alternate by the way if you ever want to hear from him..just let me know..Him and I talk almost every day..

remember how I said, "don't let that talk with her about where she is, get you spinning"...

got to stay emotionally centered brother..at all times..


No offense taken and I really don't have a clue how bad it can be because I have read alot of peoples stiches here that amaze me at how cruel and insensative people can be. And I don't post much because sometimes I feel that I am whinning and my problems are minor compared to others. I don't know much about Racefans problems and what he is dealing with but I do hope for the best for everyone of us out there fighting the good fight.

I am feeling better now and more relaxed after posting and reading everybody's responces. Its why I knew I had to give myself time to process it all and why I posted all this stuff here. It allows me to think and read and not act on impuse which gets me in trouble. It allows me to clear my head and get it all out and then I can get myself recentered and back on course.


ahhh my post may have been a little rough..

I'll say this..I thought my sitch sucked..I thought it was the worst ever..

my sitch and this last year has been awesome compared to one I know about..well I'll say 2...Sugar and Spice has had a bad one too..

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#1684031 - 12/31/08 02:36 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: whiskey.tango]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

How was it in the past? What's made you want to change the dynamic?

WT


It sucked in the past. We were living two seperate lives in the same house. Neither of us wanted to leave the kids but neither of us were happy. No connection, no physical contact except the occasional sex which satisfied neither of us. We sat on seperate chairs while watching tv, slept facing away from each other, communication was nearly nonexistant except about the kids.

What changed, I changed, I finally grew up, got tired of being a miserable SOB, not in control of my emotions, blaming her for my unhappiness, expecting her to change so I would be happy. I read a book that described me to a tee and how I am in charge of me and how I was responsable for my own happiness and if I was unhappy that I was the only one to blame. It was a wake up call. I was turning 40 in a couple of months and hated my life, what I had become, what my M had become how I was just existing in this lifetime and not living my life. I wanted more, I deserved more and the only way to do it was to take control of my emotions, my happiness and most important my life and the direction it was going in.

I went to C by myself and worked on me. She gave me a book on anger management and the author must have been spying on me because it was all about how I was and I liked none of it. I accepted that my M was over and that more than likely we would get a D but I had to try. I had no expectations it was easier that way. But time has a way of changing ones perspective as things seemed to improve expectations started to creep in. I kept wanting more. I was getting more, more conversation, more smiles, she started sitting on the same couch as me, I started to get relaxed around her.

Then I found out about him and that set me back, added a whole new dimension to my sitch. She lied to me about stuff, I confronted her with the lies, she gave me more information but I knew it was not all of it. I came to this site found an outlet for my frustration and people who understand what I am going through and wanted to help.

I still have my issues and I continue to work on them but I want it all and her stopping short frustrates me and telling me that we were never like that irritates me. I don't care how we were, neither of us were happy with that M/R so why compare us to that if it isn't what either of us wants or needs. We have a shot a very rare shot to rebuild our M/R into something great, something staisfying for both of us. Why limit us, why look back when we should be looking forward. It seems so simple and yet she is making it so complex. That is what causes me so much confusion, see me and judge me for who I am now not who I was that is all I ask.

Sorry for the long answer to such a short question.

Tim
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#1684052 - 12/31/08 02:52 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

ahhh my post may have been a little rough..

I'll say this..I thought my sitch sucked..I thought it was the worst ever..

my sitch and this last year has been awesome compared to one I know about..well I'll say 2...Sugar and Spice has had a bad one too..


I need rough my head is thick and sometimes I need to be hit hard to get my attention.


Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
What happens if you recognize this opportunity and the next time she makes a move, you make the next one? Get a little closer.


I agree here..what's she gonna do?? pull back maybe..do more of the same??

personally if she made a move of any type and I was in your shoes..I'd be moving back..

I'd make the attempt..and if it ended up a pity F**K then I'd keep myself emotionally centered and I'd take the pity F**k in the hopes that it may just spark something in her..

DB'ing is a fine line...cross the line one way and you're a doormat, cross the line the other and you're the best thing going today....then you have those husbands/wives that just sort of straddle that line...in limbo..


I might of gotten a snuggle out of it but sex that would be a long shot. Even though I was tired and really wanted to go to bed I stayed there as long as I could feeling her close to me touching me. What can I say its my LL.



Confucius Says

Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

what sucks is you have to be prepared for the best while preparing for the worst while waiting...


Well lets not make it too difficult. And all the while keeping your expectations low.
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#1684067 - 12/31/08 03:12 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Quote:
I need rough my head is thick and sometimes I need to be hit hard to get my attention.


right now I'm the only one allowed to be negative and wallow...and since I'm the only one allowed and you were sort acting like you wanted to I thought I might just take the opportunity to smack you back into reality abit.. ;\)

I've got bangdages and alcohol if you need the drinking kind

Quote:
I might of gotten a snuggle out of it but sex that would be a long shot.


ahhh Rub of the Green my friend...you really don't know for sure cause you did not persue..I know..I've been there..Kim did the same to me when she was playing nice..

I did come out and ask her for sex a few times during our discussions and even mentioned to her that it might evolke some old feelings in her..never happened..she sort of wavered abit a few times..but we never got anywhere..

Quote:
What can I say its my LL.


yep..I know that..that's a bitch LL in my opinion..in sitches like ours..hell ya frinkin starve..

Quote:
Confucius Says


that's funny..lets not go that far..lets call it a Mikism or something.

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