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I'm ok! thankyou everyone.. been for dinner at my BMF house (thank god for him), then had an AMAZING conversation with my BFF, the one that advised me to email him this week.. she was very wise. It made me realise his email was pretty positive and a very good result ! It was better than I hoped, he revealed way more than I did and was pretty empatic and open throughout.

My BFF said he has hurt (by dumping) a succession of woman all his life, because the first woman he ever loved (his Mum) hurt him. He then never spoke to them again really and cut them off. I said something to her about his email and she said, I spotted that too but was afraid to say it, but.. he said "I definitely want to still talk".. which for him and going on his previous pattern, is HUGE.

Also she spotted he doesnt think he's worthy of you (yes Jeff) as he said "You are better and worth so much more than that." and then said "i don't deserve your thanks." So he is not feeling good about himself.

I could have a go at him, I could cry and wail, but my goal is STILL to have an audience with him (which he hasnt allowed me yet). My BFF said, do you think he's worth it? I said, yes, without a shadow of doubt in my mind. Then she said, you have to breathe, take a step back and have a more balanced view and realise that he can give you nothing right now, or maybe never. But just stay calm, a line of open and honest communication has now opened up.

He said something massive in his email, which didnt jump out till my BFF said.. at the bomb, his whole justification for ending it was, after a week of separation he said "but I didnt miss you Al"...and he's never revised that. In his email he admitted.. (huge!)..."i miss talking to you" which isnt quite saying "I miss you" but not far off.

But, you all know from reading my thread that I never give up and I'm not beaten yet! I'm going to "come back stronger than a powered up PacMan" as the Kaiser Chiefs sing. My goal is still to have an audience with him, so far, he has said he will have a 'chat' with me soon.

So, the plan is.. to email him back mirroring his tone, wishing him a good weekend and say hi to G and thats it, no emotion. The question is, do I or do I not email him back tommorow, or leave it till Monday?

Al x

By the way...did anyone notice the kiss at the end? THAT WAS ONE OF MY GOALS! I havent had a kiss on an email since he left me. A whole year. I think that was the most astonishing thing of all.

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Hmm I say leave it til Monday.

It can't hurt to take things slow.

And that way you can post and get some revisions first.

(((Ali)))

You sound good! I'm so glad to hear that! \:\)


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
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Ali,

It is very painful for you right now and I wish I could do something to ease your pain. The good news is the pain will pass. Allow yourself to mourn your loss. You need to let the hurt out.

Soon you will be able to see how he has liberated you. Things happen for a reason, so you have to remember how much you've grown and changed. Now you officially know. There are no more puzzles to put together. You finally stop playing games of "why?" and "what if?"

Jeff is right - he will regret it, but may never admit it to you. However, that is no longer your concern. Your focus is on getting through your current pain and then getting back to moving one step at a time forward toward the new Ali.

I wish the news was better. I wish I could do more. All I can do from here is think about you and tell you we all care for you very much, Princess.

RTL


M:38; D: 6
Divorce Final: 10/6/08

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Hi Ali

I actually think the email is quite positive. Another chance for you to be the bigger person. And there is definitely opportunity for you to start building the little bridge of friendship that one day he will want to walk over.

Email him back and tell him not to worry about you, that you are seeing new possibilities for your life, and you are excited about what the future holds. Tell him something fun that you are planning to do (overseas travel, dancing classes etc etc). Tell him that you wish him all the best, and that you do miss his friendship. Thank him for emailing you, that you appreciate him letting you know that he got your email. Tell him that you are so over talking about boring relationship stuff, but that if he ever wants to catch up and do something fun he should call you. Tell him somehow that you believe in him and that you know that he is going to have a great life too (I think this is sooo important, but it has to come from the heart, and it has to be relevant to him, so I cant tell you the actual words you need to say).

And then go and make yourself happy. Sending you a huge hug, a nice cup of tea, a manicure, a good book, and another big hug.


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Wow Ali... I love Essie's suggestions!!!!

And I have to say that I'm pleasantly surprised by BF's email... firstly I always thought he would respond but truthfully I thought he would wait days.. possibly even a week or two... so I'm shocked that he did it so swiftly.

I And yes, I noticed the kiss at the end.. I find it VERY interesting that he did that because truthfully it's a little intimate (even over email).

((((Ali)))

Keep being positive Ali!

Hugs,
W2G

ps. Love you art on FB!!! You are SOOOOOO talented!


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Thanks Where! I guess I wanted a little boost today so thought I would show off a little, I love my pottery!

The email was surprising wasnt it? Also, people picked up on what I did...that for some bizarre reason, he saw fit to reassure me in detail that he is having a lads weekend and NOT spending it with her...
my brother is coming down tomorrow night for some 'quality time' - going walking on saturday then out with G in town on saturday (should be an experience).

...so although he said, give you a call soon, he is letting me know that the delay isnt to do with being in her company, which I also thought was interesing. His email is surprisingly revealing, although I think it only really proves one thing though....that that DB coach Jody is a flippin genius !!!!

Essie, I dont know how to email back!! I'm not sure about being too gloaty about my new fab life and truthfully I DO want to have a boring R talk, so dont want to close that option down?? Not really sure what to say, but my RL friends said, dont do it too soon and dont reveal too much, keep your cards close to your chest, he is with someone else now afterall. So details about my life might have to be earnt!

Oh and my stars today were VERY apt, although possibly ridiculously optimistic!?
Someone's response is a shock, but don't let it throw you. This behaviour strengthens your position and will help you turn events in your favour. Treat this situation as a test of your commitment and refuse to let yourself be beaten. You're on the home stretch.

PS: thanks everyone for yuor posts earlier, Naej, sorry if I worry you, I am horribly up and down, but I'm just a heart on your sleeve person, I dont think I am having a breakdown but thanks for caring x

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Hey Ali-
You sound good.
Where do you get these horoscope readings? Is there a website?


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T 15
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Ali,

Echoing Essie's comments, Jody told me to tell my STBX the following in a tone that is sad, but not angry. It is more accepting of the situation and a signal to move on. I haven't had the chance to use it yet, but look it over and see if it can apply to you in any way as a reply to BF.

Here is what we talked about me sending my STBX when the situation arises:
Quote:
The woman who left and the woman I see now aren't the same anymore. I'm pursuing somthing that no longer exists and that is making it easier to let go of you and I won't be pursuing you in that way any more. I want us to have a relationship that benefits our D, but I'm not going to be pursuing you any more. The (W) I married is not there any more. The other (W) is the one I had more in common with and seeing this has helped me to move on.

You may be able to make some of this fit in a reply to BF... or maybe not. It is just a thought I had when I read your post just now.

I'm looking forward to using it in my own sitch as it will send the message to STBX that I'm not interested in her anymore as well as make sure she understands I'm moving on w/out her.

Again, it is just a thought and it may/may not be relevant to your sitch, but I thought I'd throw it out there for you.

RTL


M:38; D: 6
Divorce Final: 10/6/08

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NNNNOOoooooooooo! You dont seriously want a R talk do you? NNNNoooooooooooo! Back away from the R talks! Make a decision that from here in you will never ever ever ever have another R talk.

I mean you could chose to go out and have a nice meal or go for a bike ride and enjoy the scenery

OR

You could have a R talk where you cry and he cries cause he knows he is hurting you but he cant stop, and he cant give you any answers cause he either doesnt want to hurt you or he doesnt actually know, and you express your regret, but it changes nothing and makes you look desperate and needy. And then you cry some more, and then you ring everyone and tell them how he's hurt you again, and you post here and cry some more.... Doesnt exactly sound like all that much fun!


P.S Get angry - you do realise that you always feel sorry for him! You are allowing him to be the center of your life. You are allowing him to keep playing the drawcard where you have to look after him! This is still so much about him and how its going to make him feel, and not enough looking after YOU! Its ridiculous, seriously!! (((Ali)) (seriously its ridiculous though!!)

You're not gloating about your life, you are telling him that you are OK, and that you are a fun strong person and he's missing out on being with you. Give him a bit of credit, he's hardly going to fall apart because he knows that you've planned something nice for yourself.

P.P.S The 4 stages of reconciliation are
1. Reduce tension - this is where you are at. You have to make him feel comfortable. ie No relationship talks where he has to provide you with answers. Work on actually being OK being single. Have an interesting full life so that when you see him you dont NEED him.
2. Friendship
3. Romance
4. Recommitment

If you are aiming for #2, then keeping details close to your chest isnt all that smart. He's not trying to win you back. He's not trying to earn anything. Be someone that he wants to be friends with. Make a nice little bridge from his side of the hurt and shame, to your side with the love and acceptance. He still has to walk accross the bridge, but the least you can do is create the bridge, and then make your side look more attractive than the other!


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Hi Ali, ( that was a very good post from Essie btw)
I am afraid you and I have a different set of reading glass's. Obviously you read with the benefit of a 10 yr relationship, but by your own admission during that time you had an ea,so methinks life was not always wonderful with him. Maybe because of that ea, that is why you are being so generous and reading so much into a few lines.
Rose coloured spectacles are the curse of the LBS! you just have to read some other posts on MLC to know that.
However your life, your choice, personally I would have let the wound scab over before I started gouging out more blood and pain.
And of course IF you have no hope of a life without the b/friend in it then yes you need to stand on the sidelines and di-sect every crumb.
But that is rubbish and one day I hope you see that the "you deserve something/one better" means what it said.
I know you yo yo with your emotions Ali, we all do to a degree, even those not in crisis mode but I hope once you put your scalpal away you will have time to enjoy the week end in some form or other not related to walkaway.
I wish you well,take care.

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