Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
Starting a new thread.

Re-cap of my sitch.

I am a WAW. I left Husband of many years, together many before we married. We have 2 kids, both teen-agers. After 8 months of counseling, both Individual and Marriage, his job, he is a work-aholic- continued to have priority over counseling appointments, in addition his verbal abuse and anger, which he exhibited for years was becoming worse. He was also taking physical actions to prevent me from leaving rooms when we would argue. Those things in combination were the proverbial last straw and I moved out in the summer of 2007.

I have been working a full-time job that is mentally demanding, yet flexible in its hours, and pursuing a graduate degree for the past 6 years. He is a part-owner & operator of a multi-generational family-owned business. His typical work-week is 70-80 hours, with more during certain high stress times of the year.

I continued in my counseling working on family of origin issues: perfectionism, self-esteem issues, passive-aggressive, self-silencing. His initial counselor referred him to an anger specialist, to whom he went 3 times between when I left & Halloween. He has not been back.

Upon the initial separation he seemed to be doing some DB techniques- "acting as if", "being my friend", but these were from articles our MC gave us initially during counseling. But he was also doing lots of non-DB things- calling at all times of the day & night, alternating between love & hate talk, making promises, then threats, etc.

One comittment we made to each other was to try and maintain a friendship. That has been the one thing that seemed to have kept both of us in contact outside of being parents.

I came to this site after I googled "while your spouse decides", the title of the article our MC gave us. I lurked because I felt like it gave me a glimpse into what I thought he might use a "playbook" to get me back. I stayed because I found that WAW/H voices need to be heard on this forum and it helps me see another perspective from others I don't find as threatening as my H and well as the incredible support from my VR team for the efforts I am making to be the best me I can be, either in or out of a marriage, something that has been lacking in my real-time life, from my real-time friends.

Currently, 15 months later, we are just finishing couple's communication counseling. My current philosophy is: it is almost impossible for us to tackle the major issues of the R without more effective communications tools. Without tackling the major issues of the R. there can be no M for me and it will continue to be a "friendship" R. If we can tackle the issues of the R, hopefully we can then work on rebuilding a new R for a new M.

My old threads are (from most recent)
WAW:Watching & Waiting
Losing in a curious way is Winning
Guilty as charged I'm a Walk-Away Wife


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
My last post from my last thread.

============

Hi SC.. the hair.. well.. it's taking some getting used to. My D says I look like a groomed irish setter. I need to learn how to style this cut. I hate learning how to style..

I was never the girl that spent hours in the bathroom trying new hair styles. In the late 70's the afro-look was a god-send.. the ultimate wash & go! \:\)

I tried a 180 with H yesterday, instead of guilting him about his shoving me behaviour I called him on it(again) and told him it is unacceptable to me and I also recognized that he sees it in the same light and I appreciated him owning his actions in the room & seeking forgiveness. I owned up that I could see how my behaviour and words in the room helped feed his fears of abandonment and that I would work hard in the future to be more sensative to that fear and find a way to share my fears without poking at his. He got teary-eyed.

I am willing to spend time with him in small doses so he can show me the changes that he is making and the love he professes, to help build the trust.

But that when I say I have had enough, then I need space, quit clinging, quit whining, quit pleading. Let me go do my thing, so I can have a chance to come back willingly. He said he understood and would try.

It was a tense ride up & there were a couple times things started to degrade, but we both recognized it and 'walked away' from it, revisiting it when we were both calmer.

Our C said the communication wheel won't work if we don't have an 'i care about you' attitude. And that despite H's claims to love me, his actions speak much louder than his words.

The C. said he wants to work on H's issue of fear of abandonment next week & see him by himself and then see me about the same issue the following week by myself, and then us together again the 3rd week. He agreed to come in next week, I told him I needed to think about coming in by myself but I was willing to come in as a couple.

When we got back to the car I asked H what he had thought about C's request for separate sessions... long story short... he is frustrated by this C's approach to 'let's go all the way back to your childhood/beginning of your marriage and figure out the 'reason' why there are personal issues you bring to the table, without providing solutions for how to more effectively use the tools he gave us.

I told him I agreed, expressed my frustration in that I feel that today our R is in a worse place than it was when we started the communications counseling (I thought it was helping at first, but for conflict resolution.. the C has really dropped the ball for us)

However, I also shared with H that I thought the understanding personal issues & working on one's self was important as well, but in conjunction with solutions that would help build trust, compassion, etc as couple.

We brainstormed ideas for a new C. And never really came away with a plan. I will probably revisit that with him today or tomorrow.

I shared some pieces with H about my job search fears: related to financial concerns of replacing the salary & benefits of this current job, moving D, finding what I want for a job in this part of the state, etc. He was a good listener & I thanked him profusely, even giving him hugs. It did feel good.

Thanks for stopping by and for the hugs & support.

Peace
Bridge


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 791
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 791
Bridge....you probably know this but I think your counsellor is doing the right thing at the moment in seeing you both separately. I know from my experiences and reading that when abuse is involved (and the counsellor obviously knows this) it is better to see the couple individually. Also, obviously, you are there in the sitch and I am not but I think some individual counselling is well in order for both of you, particularly him, and really, would your h actively seek and go to a new counsellor?


**
Purple

As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
Originally Posted By: Purple
Bridge....you probably know this but I think your counsellor is doing the right thing at the moment in seeing you both separately.
I know.. I tried to tell H that WAAAYY back when I first was seeing my IC. He threw a fit and we went together, then he backed out once the MC started in on his anger issues during joint MC. This seems to be a pattern with him, he wants to fix the R, but not by changing the things the C's tell him need fixing. And when they go down that path with him, he balks.

Originally Posted By: purple
I know from my experiences and reading that when abuse is involved (and the counsellor obviously knows this) it is better to see the couple individually.
I agree... I think we're just to the point where we need some positives tools, actions, to keep the hope of moving this healing forward.. and we both see going to IC ONLY for 3 weeks as a back step. I think we are both losing confidence in this C. Forrest thinks H has not liked him from the get-go, but he has continued to go because he loves me.

Originally Posted By: purple
Also, obviously, you are there in the sitch and I am not but I think some individual counselling is well in order for both of you, particularly him, and really, would your h actively seek and go to a new counsellor?


I don't know... he asked me what I thought the MC was doing, when I told him, he was ridiculed it (that our MC, was giving each of us (more likely H - since I am already in IC) some IC).

I still get the impression H doesn't think he needs it... or if he does, he'll get it once the R is healed & we are back together.

Thanks for stopping by and for the drive by noogies \:\)
hugs
Bridge


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
thank you for self-moderating! \:\)


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,174
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,174
Bridge,

Glad the two of you seemed to get along better yesterday. I think that IC would be good for your H but if you both have lost confidence in the C then you must find a new one. I wish finding a good one was easy. I am a little leary with a couple of things mine said last Thursday.

Take it slow and I still say to meet him in public places for now until trust can be built.

Take care,

Tim


Thread #10
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,550
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,550
Forrest.. thinks.. this may be a turning point.

We will see how it plays out.

I like the turn of events though.


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.


Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
hi all,
Yes I guess we'll see.

Things were a bit touchy yesterday as there was drastic communincation issues over little things---if I was in a worse metnal place with him, I would have thought he was doing it deliberately.

Directions to a wedding reception were given to me wrong 3x (yes I checked after the first time, repeated them back etc.)

asking him to drop D off at my place when the reception was done (I left early to work on school stuff) in time for supper The request was acknowledged and then it was ignored with no phone call to tell me he had changed the plans

my request after all these fiascos that he help me remember to do a better job of checking & double checking expectations with verbal communication, was also ignored.

When he finally brought D back to my place (well after supper) and I shared my feelings of frustration about the days communication with him.. he did acknowledge he was being flippant in listening to me.

I told him his actions reminded me of the 'old days' of him being oblivious with me having to make sure all the families logistics were managed by me

and that make me feel scared that his changes weren't for real.

He said he could see how it could like that & he would try harder and put forth more effort than he had.


H's appointment with our joint C is Thursday while I'm gone to a conference out of town. We'll see if he keeps it or not.

I asked him to do some searching for alternatives that he thinks look promising and do-able to him. And then I shut up, not sending him weblinks or therapist websites.. nothing.. a 180 for me.

It is getting to the time of year where he is working 15-18 hour days 7 days a week until the end of November, (as weather permits). It is hard to get appointments & keep them based on the weather. His actions will be telling.

thanks for checking on me everyone.
Peace
Bridge


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,063
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,063
Hey bridge,

I think it is perfectly reasonable to let him organize things. If it means something to him, he'll do it.

Good luck with your trip!

lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 791
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 791
Hey chick....

Grr your h makes me wild....

I know that isn't helpful. I'm not sure what would be helpful at this stage....you sound like you're detaching from him though and that's good.

He has to put some effort in. You just get on with your own stuff.


**
Purple

As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe

Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard