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Tipper

Don't give up. IMHO I still think you did the right thing with telling him how you felt. Hang in there.

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Thanks for the support YR.

I am happier now that I have spoke my mind.

I am happy with the way my H has been more conscious about our M since I did speak my mind.

I realized that I still need to work on my own skills and not forget to use that stop sign when I am emotional and not to go off on tangents, get defensive or go in circles when we argue.

I am probably going to sign up on internet alanon meetings to get some more support. I looked into it today. I think it may help.

My H had a job fall through today and so he went to the bar all day instead. I went down to see his gig from 10-11 and then we go our seperate ways. He said he would come over tommorow for dinner. He has been coming over much more regularly this last week or so.

I have a lot to be greatful for. I am so happy to be able to have this chance at Reconciliation with my H. I just need more patience with dealing with the alcoholism.
TIPPER

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Things have been great lately with our M.

My H has made many efforts to show that he cares for me and doesnt want to loose me due to his drinking. He has cut back a lot and has not been spending all his nights at the bars. He has been calling me and letting me know his where abouts more often too.

I have been delightfully surprised. We have had such a good couple of weeks together since thanksgiving.

My H actually seems happy for once. He usually hates the holidays but this year he has been a good sport so far. He just did my kitchen counter-tops/faucet/sink over all new for a christmas present. He has gone to several holiday parties with me and we have a few more we plan on going to. I dont need to pull his teeth to do it, he has been ok with it all.

I am happy and I feel like it is helping me to heal my deeply hurt heart. I like working on our reconciliation while it feels healthy like this. For so long I was feeling like my H was just always gone drinking and that our R was a scam.

I hope things continue on the same way with us honoring and respecting each other. Giving each other our time in quality ways and trying to satisfy each others needs.

This christmas is going to be so much better than the last. I sugested last month that we go seperate ways on christmas day since it causes him so many problems and issues to deal with or face my family. He said that would be great. So I left it at that, but that was in the heat of the moment.

I dont want him to really not come to my families house. He knows he is invited but I dont know his final plans. I let him know I dont want him to come if he feels too uncomfortable. He hasnt really told me his plans though. I think I will suggest to him that he could skip the morning breakfast and gifts. And just come over later for dinner after he went to his rents for the day. any thoughts???
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Tipper

It is sounding really good! Take it slow and easy!

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Update:

Things have been so wonderful lately it is almost too good to be true feeling.

My H came to Christmas at my folks and things went well.

H has been really happy with life lately. And so have I.

We have spent much time together since I spoke my mind to him around thanksgiving time. And whats even better is that he is not constantly going to the bars.

H has been very understanding that he needs to let me know what he is up to when he is not with me. It helps me feel at ease.

H and I have actually started to talk seriously about moving back in with each other. I didn't want to push him and was very patient about bringing it up at all. He was the one that actually said to me that he would like to see it happen and that he feels it will help us to connect even more.

So we are hoping to buy my deceased grandmothers house that my rents have been holding on to and paying taxes on for 3 yrs so they want to sell it and would love to see it stay in the family.

My H and I have been talking about buying this house since march of 2007 right before he left me for the first time.

We discussed this last summer but knew enough to wait and see if we were gonna last. Now I think we are ready. He is excited about it and said he would probably move his stuff by the end of this month and then we will start fixing my grandmas old house up and making it livable enough to move into. Once we are moved in, I will then sell my town house and buy my Grandmas place from my rents.

I hope it all works out. It is a bit nerve wracking for me since he has been so on and off with me over the last two years. But we have successfully been piecing for 9 months now and I am prepared to take the move and give it a try.

I am so happy to be so blessed with this opportunity. Two yrs ago I would have never expected my h to come through his crisis and to want to ever work on our M again. We tried several times but he was still too deep in crisis. Now I can finally see him coming out. I dont know how to describe it yet since he is still in the midst of it. But...Yeah!!!!!!!!!!
Happy New Year to ALL,
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WooHoo Tipper!!!!

Take it one day at a time. Things look like they are moving in the right direction.

Don't worry about the little set backs, because they will happen and the two of you will become stronger and closer because of all that has happened. Keep your expectations low and let your H build them back up for you!

Take care!

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Tipper, I just found your thread. I am so glad to finally read about someone who is finding success with DB. Good for you. I am coming up on the first anniversary of my H moving out. If you have any advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it. My thread is PM Thread #3 in Infidelity. But my H is showing signs of MLC, big time.

I really need some veterans to help. H is deep into A. No intention to work on M, probably moved in with OW. Big signs of MLC, used to drink heavily but cut down a lot lately, which is good. Suffering depression for at least 2.5 years. Seeing counsellor and getting help which is great. Doing improvements on himself to impress OW, couldn't care less about me. We have two kids. Sorry for taking over your thread but I think I need some MLC spouses to advice me. Thanks!


Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
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Thanks YR!!!

Positively mommy, My advise to you is to never give up and dont believe anything you hear or that the MLCer tells you. Only believe in what you feel. If you feel you love your MLCer H, then only you can tell yourself to keep DBing. Sometimes, people just get to a point where they feel it in their gut and they just know it is over, but if your not their then dont give up. PRAY...And be thankful for what you do have. And one thing that really seemed to pay off for me was the fact that I never treated him bad or got mad or vengfull or viscious. I always treated him like my best freind when he wasnt being worthy of a freindship. I treated him with respect even thought I really wanted to scream and hollor at him to wake up. So live by the golden rule, it works.

I will pop back by in a few days,
TIPPER

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Thank you, thankyou, thankyou. I needed to hear someone say 'Never give up.' I had been lost for the last month or so and worse in the last week. Just don't see any improvements. We are civil to each other, as you mentioned, I have not been vengeful or vicious. I did get mad and lost my temper in the beginning but have calmed right down after DB'ing since August. So our relationship is stable but not improving. He is distant so I don't pursue, I just act nice, cook dinner, make small talk. No pressure. I hope that is right. My gut and my head are fighting over who controls me. My head says that he won't come back or admit that he made a rash decision because of his pride but my gut says that I love him too much and our kids too much to give him up to another woman. Don't know what to do because he acts like another person and is so secretive. I wonder if trust can ever return.

How to become even more patient? What do you tell yourself? How do you behave with this alien who was your beloved H and then betrayed you?


Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,715
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"Let go, and let God".

Detaching is a big part of it. It takes practice. Don't allow yourself to think about what H is doing, and when you start, make a conscious effort to stop. Eventually, it becomes habit.

I found that taking a leap of faith helped me. I knew that no matter what, the control of the situation was out of my hands, and I let God handle it. It took the pressure off of me to do the right thing, say the right thing. And by taking the pressure off of me, it allowed me to take the pressure off of my H. And he started to call more often.

Now, the key to this is that I don't expect anything. If he calls, great. If he doesn't, that is okay too. I have realized that what he is going through is not about me. It is about him, and he needs to deal with it. I don't have any power or control over his emotions, his feelings. I have accepted the fact that I still love him, will probably always love him, no matter what. And that is as far as it goes. When I can help, I do. When I can't, I just listen.

Having my faith has been incredible. It has allowed me to love my H unconditionally, even if right now he feels he cannot love me back.


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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