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Can I ask a question???? Are there any connections to a WAW, MLC and ILYBNILWY? If so how do I fight it? My W has mentioned this going on for 5 years with her and of course without my recognition. Hence, my current position.


Me 56
W 47
D17, D15,D15
Married 28years, in divorce 3 yrs
Bomb 8/20/09
Separated 3 yrs
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 612
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Tipper Offline OP
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Nowawake,
I am a bit confused by the wording of your question. But maybe this will help:

My H grew distant from me for about 1 and 1/2 yrs prior to his leaving me. When He left me he said "ILYBINILWY"straight to my face. I didnt believe him - it was definetely the MLC talking. He talked that way (spewing MLC crap) to me for about a year - It would hurt - but I always never deep down really believed his words. I knew that what we had was not just a waste. I knew that his MLC was brought about by his bankruptcy and had nothing to do with me. I had to just accept it.

My H and I have been back together for almost 2 years and living together again for a little over a year now. Every now and then I will still hear some of his MLC aftermath Spew. But it is mostly due to drinking or stress. Every now and again - i will still hear his cries for freedom and exicetment and rebellion - but I am no longer freaking out from it. I just accept that he is SOOOOO much of an Individual and hates anything being in control of him in anyway. Most of the time he doestn spew at all anymore. But I do here tid bits at times. I think my H and I have truely weathered this storm and have made it out on the other side stronger.

I personally still have a lot of insecurities and hurt and pain caused from this MLC> but I am still recovering in so many ways. I am not completely healed - and I dont know if I ever will be. I am so awake and aware now and I live inside my mind so much more than I ever thought possible. I have to try to work on venting to my H more now. I feel like over these past few years I have started to keep things inside more than ever due to a knowledge that I cant control him so why bother telling my opinion anymore.... I know its not good....I have to work on that.

But, the rest has been a complete blessing. Getting the love of my life back, rebuilding our relationship, buying a new house together and fixing it up, just to name a few.

At times I wanted to give up DBing - it was hard - and not always natural at all. I wasnt sure how much I was compromising or acting like a doormat - but every choice was different and as long as I didnt feel walked all over - I stuck with it. I think the focus though really has to be on making your self stronger, more attractive, more out going, spontaneaous and fun. If you do that - its hard for anyone not to stop and look at you.

Let me know if this helps, or maybe reword your Question so I understand more of what info I can help with.
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It does help getting another perspective. I admit our marriage of 25 years have not had much physical passion. That was almost entirely my fault because of my depression and lack of interest. I lost my passion for life let alone physical passion. She told me on bomb day ILYBNILWY and I will not go through the rest of my life living this way. She mentioned turning 39 was hard for her and since then (5 yrs) it must have became unbearable living with my silence and lack of "in her mind" desire. As of now she is in a very angry state and wants me to be a WAH...I have told her I am not walking out and this has made her more angry, cold and bitter towards me. I am fully awake now and fully understand why and how we got to this point. She will not allow herself to believe we can move forward with something better and is unwilling to open up because she is afraid it would be more of the same and she will not live like that. I get it but she dosen't beleive I can change, have changed or will stay a changed man. In the past 7 months it has taken all of my strength to conclude I can control me but I can not control anyone else. I hope and pray for the courage, patience and strength to live with and accept what ever her decision is. I'm in the middle of my 180 and still dark on the R and our M. The silence is not comfortable.


Me 56
W 47
D17, D15,D15
Married 28years, in divorce 3 yrs
Bomb 8/20/09
Separated 3 yrs
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 612
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Tipper Offline OP
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Nowawake,
I just want to say, I hope you never give up if you know you really want your marriage to work.

I can see that she wanted it to work for a while but now your W feels its impossible for you to be together due to years of your seemingly unwillingness to please her (maybe).

So no matter what you say to her right now, she wont believe you. It will be very awkward for quite some time between you too. Conversations will be heavy at times. I hate to say - try to accept it.

I had realized after my H left me - that I was the one not being passionate and I was holding him back from doing things in his life that he really wanted to do - but I didtn't. That was when he decided we just were not meant for each other and he would tell me how painful it was for him to feel that way too. He would say how he didnt want this mess to happen - but it did.

His pain, I couldnt see - until he left me. Then I was fully aware. I was then the one that needed to do all the 180's and find a way to persistantly prove to him I have changed (even though we were not in much contact with each other during that time)> he was watching me more than I knew.

Eventually, my H woke up and realized he really did love me - we were just going through some pretty big life changes and had to have the time apart to really realize how much we truely loved each other. After a year he came home.

So hang in there, you never know if your W will be the next to wake up. I never gave up on that thought while my H was gone and I never believed for a minute that my H truely meant the ILYBINILWY speech -even though he was very convincing at the time. Deep in my gut - I just knew our M was not over.

Follow your gut. Come speak to us here. Grab advice as often as needed,
TIPPER

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Now -

First, there is always HOPE! Period!

Quote:
I get it but she dosen't beleive I can change, have changed or will stay a changed man.

First the changes must be for YOU. Secound - she will need a time to see if they are real.

Quote:
In the past 7 months it has taken all of my strength to conclude I can control me but I can not control anyone else.

That is a good place to be - you can only control YOU.

Quote:
I hope and pray for the courage, patience and strength to live with and accept what ever her decision is.


Keep on those knees buddy.

Remember it is never over until the fat lady sings. Keep positive, keep believing.

A few questions...

1) Is OP involved?
2) What r u doing for YOU?


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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I am the wife with a WAH- he moved out 3/5/10- two weeks ago. he lives an hour away and on the weekends we get together 1x so far. It was good- but it was also my birthday. He stayed the night and left the next day. My issues are with Db'ing. Since Monday this week there has been no contact with him at all. I want to call, but i know it goes against the 180 rule. So- he is supposed to come over tomorrow and have date night and see how it goes from there. But since i havent heard from him all week- makes me wonder what he is doing, who he may be with etc. He has not had EA or PA that he will admit to- he claims absolutely not- but was wanting to and this is part of MLC so better for him to leave and see if we could de-stress and work on things living apart. It drives me absolutely NUTS not having contact with him. He said he got a phone line and internet to keep in touch with me during the weeks- but that hasnt happened much at all.....I'm confused. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CALL-but as of today i havent.


me- 36 years old
H- 38
Together 15
married 12 1/2
Separated 3/5/2010
NO PA's or EA that i know of.
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Me-70, D37,S36
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i saw your threads- ive read the books- the thing i have issues with is wanting to contact wah.....how do people get over that or deal with it?


me- 36 years old
H- 38
Together 15
married 12 1/2
Separated 3/5/2010
NO PA's or EA that i know of.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 80
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Trying to stay "in the dark" about the R is not easy. It seems we are not talking much about anything right now. Our 3 girls are doing ok with this arrangement but I am sure they are waiting for a shoe to drop. My W and I are not doing anything together right now...is that normal? I am spending most of my time supporting what our daughters are doing and also concentrating on my business. My W has no intentions on leaving the house and continues to fully expect me to leave and I am unwilling to do that. So far we are in a standoff. Thank you for all of your comments I am learning from each one of them.


Me 56
W 47
D17, D15,D15
Married 28years, in divorce 3 yrs
Bomb 8/20/09
Separated 3 yrs
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 737
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Tipper, I think my H is going through a MCL. Do you think you could check out my thread? It would be greatly appreciated! And how did you get to the dating part?


M 41
H 35
D 12
S 18
Separated 11/08
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