To me it sounds like he is cycling. My h did the same thing. The father along my h was in MLC it seemed like he was cycling faster. My H was drinking big time during that time too. I let it go and let him finish his crisis. I know how you feel though. I thought my h was up to no good.
Who knows with these MLCer's anyway. Snodderly helped me alot through this part. Maybe she will stop by.
Yellowrose, I cant tell you how much I appreciate you stopping by. I know that you have gone through much of the same process I have been through this far.
I have a long ways to go though. At least it feels like it. I have been crying all night. Mostly because I knew I was right and My H didnt really have responsibilities for the race on thurs. but instead he is out drinking with one of his cousins.
He finally told me this after he was out drinking all night and I text him to have a good night and that I love him. He text back that he loves me too and that his cousing wants to take him out tonihgt. I said be safe. He text back "yup". And that is that.
I felt a bit let down with his comment "yup" when he knows as well as I do that he and his cousin will be 30 mins away down in the city drinking (most likely at some strip club because thats his cousins style) and will drive home drunk I am sure.
I dont know what to do any more. I am a teacher and a coach. I have lots of things going for me and my H never used to act like this.
It helps to know that your H cycled alot before setteling down for good. How do you know when it is over. Finally. I mean, really I am going insane in terms of my emotions and I just dont know how much I can take. The cycling I am seeing is unreal. But when we are together things are magecal still till this day if not even more than when we were 15 and 16 yrs old in H.S.
I know I love my H. That is no doubt. He is my one and only the way I see it. I have not ever met someone that has turned my head or made me more interested in in a rel. with someone than my H. I get hit on a lot , enough to know that I will not have to be loneley the rest of my life - if my H were to leave. I sure hope it doesnt get to that.
I envy you and all that you have worked for. If you went through this cycling and had success it gives me hope. I want my H to want to be with me. I want him to stop his crazy drinking habits he recently picked up with out me.
How do I get through this time. Do I stay quiet, or do I let him know how I really feel (which is lonely and disrespected).
Please stay in touch, you have walked these steps and I need as much advice as I can get. TIPPER
Snodderly advised me when I was at this point that this is where alot of the LBS's give up. It is very hard and frustrating.
I kept my mouth shut, let him do what he needed to do. At the very end I was out of patience and I told him that he needed to get it together and until he could do that, he needed to stay away from me, no calling or coming over. I think that finally got to him. Of couse it did take some time but he did tell me when I did that he was afraid of loosing me for good.
I will check on you later. Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing better than you think.
Thanks again for the response. This place is all I have. All my other friends dont want to hear it anymore. They think he will never change.
The thing is that I feel stuck.
When you told me how you stood up to your H about getting his act together, Its like de ja vu.
I allready did this last spring when he tried to return to our M but was going out every night. After a week of that, I said to him that I didnt think that reconciliation was a good idea when he is out drinking all the time. He said fine, you just dont accept me for who I am (very immaturly) and then grabbed his beer from my fridge and I didtn see him again for about 3 months.
I put my foot down, he left again. He came back in may and was very apologetic and told me he would work on his drinking. He was doing ok for a while. Like all summer. Then when I went back to work teaching in the fall he started going back to the bars more and more. And now he is there every day again.
Do I put my foot down again, only to send him running. Or do I stay quiet and deal with this mistreatment.
He still hasnt called me today, when he knows I didnt have work. His truck was at his place at 5 when I drove by to get my oil changed. I think he is pulling away from ME. What do I do?
I let him know last night (very emotionally) that he is at the bars too much for me to handle. I told him that I am lonely and sad alot. I told him that I need a Husband to be able to spend my nights with and make plans with and cook dinners for,ect...
We went in circles for about an hour. We kept getting off topic and it would turn into a fight about why he left and ugliness from our past. I did my best to not do that and every now and then I would stop us and tell him I dont want to fight about the past I just am lonely now.
He understood, but now he seems really awkward around me. We actually ended the spat on a good note and he stayed at my place for the night.
I really hope I didnt blow it for good. I said what I needed to and he was defensive in many ways but also I think he Heard me. I guess we will see.
What a mess I have made. Now we are both down and out and its thanksgiving. We have to act normal around our families and its gonna be hard.
You didn't blow it. You said what has been building inside you for a while. I think they need to hear it when they are ready. Now sit back and watch. My H was very uncomfortable around our house too. He used to say that it didn't feel like home anymore. It's guilt. If it makes you feel any better my H drank more than ever at the end of his MLC.It's like the last hurrah before coming back home.
Go and enjoy your Thanksgiving with your family. I am keeping you in my prayers.
Dear Tipper, As I am catching up on your recent relationship situation, can I make an assumption about what one goal you might have right now (based on your feedback to me a few weeks ago)?
Goal - (combining 2 & 3): To have H spend more time with me these next few weeks and less time at the bar. (In other words, act as if he really has heard you!)
How to achieve this goal -
1. Recover from our blow up and restore calm and a civil relationship. (My guess you have already done this, right?)
2. Act according to your stated needs. Tipper, you told him you are very lonely and want him to spend more time with you. And you said you thought he heard you and then said "I guess we will see". So, what are you going to do differently now that you've laid it on the table?
Whatever behavior you have shown lately, it has gotten you mixed results from what you've shared. In fact, lately it has gotten worse. Now, you've laid it on the line. I don't know all you had told him, but if you want your H to take you seriously, then I would ask you to consider acting consistent to the words you have spoken.
For instance (I am being hypothetical here), if you have told him you can't handle not knowing if he will show up when the 2 of you have made plans, then I strongly encourage you to do something different about those nights you have made plans. If you normally just wait for him by the phone, then change that. Go out yourself, don't answer the phone, take a bath, etc. Or, make plans differently - let him know you'd love to see him, but by 5PM, if you'd don't hear from him, then you will make other plans. Just some ideas.....
My point is that words have very little impact if we do not follow through. On the other hand, those words have a lot more impact if you back them up with action. Does that help? I hope it gives you encouragement to think about what you've said and to make changes in your behavior that will speak more clearly and powerfully to help your R.
Take care,
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Amazingly, since I opened up to my H and told him about my concerns with him and the bar, I have seen a totally new H.
He is trying really hard right now to not mess things up. I can tell becuase he has not been away from me and at the bars since the fight. He has been very loving and kind and generous. He has been wonderful.
We did so many nice things over the rest of the thanksgiving break and I can tell that he had fun too.
Our very best friends just told everyone on turkey day that they are ten weeks pregnant. I think this was another form of a wake up call for my H. He has brought it up several times since we heard the news and I think it is making him slowly get a reality check more and more.
Also another couple we used to hang with all the time told us at thanksgiving that they just bought a really expensive house on the road my H and I have dreamed of living on forever. We both are a bit jealous of them and where they are at. But overall, I am happy for all my friends that are finally growing up and moving to the next stage of thier lives.
I cant even believe that my H is still sticking with me and our M. I thought for sure that my honesty with him would send him running away again. But instead He and I both have agreed that it has brought us closer becuase we are learning how to face our problems.
I am so greatful for this blessing. I know that my H is still in MLC. It always was and still is about his lack of a solid job and the lack of anything to show for all the work he has done in the last 13yrs or so. He is still bouncing job ideas around. This week he was talking about not persuing firefighting anymore and looking into getting his brokers license instead.
He is so frusterated about not being where he wants to be in his life and career. He told me he goes to the bar so much becuase he has no place he feels is like home. I offer my Home but he has issues with it and wont move back in. I can understand to a point. But realistically he and I know that the bar is no kind of substitution for a comfy home.
I do believer my H is nearing the end of his crisis and it is putting me a bit more at ease when I look back to the start of this whole mess. However, I am not in the clear yet and he has a ways to go before he will feel whole again.
I unfortunately feel kind of guilty and bad for blowing up at him and I dont really want the upper hand by anymeans. But now I feel like the dust is still setteling and only time will tell what he will do with what I said to him.
If he blows me off on a night we should be together or have plans made, than I certainly will let him know that its unacceptable and I will make alternate plans as you (laurie) suggested.
Since I blew up at him things were going so well and I think I rattled him and caught him off guard.
Now he has had time to think about what I said and process it. And he has started to rebel. He said He cant change who he is and that I hurt him the other night.
I reassured him that I love him and that I was just getting lonely and sad that he was at the bars so often. He was drunk on friday when I got home from work he asked me to meet him out for a happy hour. This was the first he chose the bar over home since the fight. So I met him out.
We had a great weekend together. He certainly put in a few jabs about how harsh he thought I had been on him. Then tonight after bowling he had a band practice to go to and told me he would be over when their done.
About a half hour later he was calling me and telling me that he wont be able to come by becuase he and the band will be partying and he doesnt want to drive wasted.
I said ok and I love him and be safe. He said I hope your not mad and I said no but thanks for the call letting me know.
I can handle this only a few times this week before I will say anything again. I dont mind him going out when he tells me what is going on. But when he does it more nights than we get to have together it becomes a problem. I have made him aware. He knows how I feel.
I feel like now the ball is in his court to prove to me that he can follow through. I cant change what he wants to do and dont want to try and control his actions or choices. If he chooses the bar over me too many times again I will feel obligated to stand up for myself again.
Tommorow night he has his gig and we only ever get to see each other for the hour that he plays because I do art night. Then we go our seperate ways. This is ok with me becuase it is planned.
I guess I will have to see how the rest of the week goes. TIPPER
I thought my H was choosing to party over being at home with me on a sunday night. I said, no problem and that it was fine. I literally have no other choice than to leave him. So now I just accept what he wants to do and I accept that I cant change it no matter how hard I wish.
But sometimes the Lord is looking out for me. For us. like last night for instance. My H called me back about a half hour after he told me he was gonna be out partying and he said he wanted to come over if the offer still stood. I said sure.
It was 10 o'clock on a sunday so I had nothing going on and I couldnt even try to come up with a reason why He shouldnt. Even though I was kindof feeling like 2nd best compared to his band and friends. Something must have fallen through with one of his buddies and therefore they choose not to party and only then did he want to come back to my place.
Whatever the reason, I didnt ask. He came and stayed the night as he should. We had a good evening. But its only cause I got lucky and really I would have been alone all night if things went the way he wanted.
So we are still on a good note and he may still try to rebel due to my nagging about his alcoholism last week.
Time will tell. I am happy he choose to come over last night. I just hope he continues to choose Us instead of Them & the bars. I though we were gonna be in for a bad week, but I shouldnt have been so negative. I feel like we have a good start to this next week now. TIPPER
