Partner left after 9 yrs - year since we separated

[W2G]

Fantastic news about the job Ali!!!!!!!

You are such a go getter!!! Inspirational!

And yes, let him contact you!

Hugs,
W2G

[JCJ]

Ali,

Well done about that job, that is great news! Keep going x

[AliSuddenly]

Oh thanks everyone...wow, ok, well I cant contact him with all you 2x4ing me! And I wont...BUT...you talk as though he will contact me...but from where I am sitting, he's done. We were in constant contact up until just over a month ago, then bang, it stopped. We've had sporadic contact since (initiated equally I would say), but nothing from him for a week now. Thats the longest since he was NC all of January.

So maybe he's just done?? Of course nothing would be gained from me contacting him, I'm just saying, you all seem to think he WILL contact me, but maybe he's met someone, or just done.

Essie said

2 x 4 for about even thinking of writing him a letter! Dont you dare!! It is not what you need to do. So proud of you for going dark on him. Whats your goal (in number of days) for NC?

I didnt have a goal for NC, just to not do it until he contacted me, but he hasnt has he...so I had been thinking, I need to apologise for where I went wrong. I was taking advantage of his reliable/compliant nature. I made him renovate a flat with me, well, I persuaded him to against his initial reservations. I reckon thats why he said at the bomb, he didnt tell me how he was feeling all summer as I "would have talked him out of it, because I am weak". So I wanted to write a letter to say he was right, I was too strong and had too much control and how sorry I am for not listening enough to him.

I started posting way back in January saying I wanted to write him a letter and everyone said it was too soon. Now, it feels too late ! Why is a letter such a bad idea? (if we go say 2 weeks NC?)

[JCJ]

Ali,

Don't think in absolutes, think in phases. This is the phase he is going through at the moment and you are respecting that by understanding that he is asking you for time (by not contacting you) and you aren't forcing contact on him. He will move to a new phase soon enough and he *will have* to contact you eventually, even if it is just about the properties. Which, btw is good if he does as you can start on a more neutral basis rather than an emotional/ dependant basis.

Use this time to make yourself more neutral and not so dependant on him. Then, when he does eventually make contact he will see how much you have grown and you never know what the next phase may be.


((((Ali))))

[MichelleLT]

In my stitch, the letter was a positive because my STBXH claimed I had never apologized for anything.

Your stitch is different - he doesn't want you to apologize, he's been uncomfortable with your apologies. They probably just make him feel worse about leaving you! If it happens, you need him to start a new R with you because he wants to, not out of guilt!

Just focus on yourself for a while.

Wait until it is necessary to contact him becuase of the properties.

Let him miss you. And make sure that when he next sees/talks to you he sees a fun, independent girl who is happy without him.

(((Ali)))

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

I just talked w/ Jody this morning and we talked about how my W wants me to give her attention, so that is exactly what I shouldn't do. Just b/c she wants it doesn't make it healthy for our relationship.

You are in the same type of boat. You have to let BF miss you and you (and I) have to let go of feeling responsible for how they act and feel. I think we're both in a similar way as we've got nothing else to lose, so why not try it.

Let him come to you regardless if it is months and months away. If you chase at all, he'll run. That is his pattern. Right now you are doing well and it is up to him to react and make the next move.

The sad thing is he may choose to never make that next move. That is the chance we all have to take as it is out of our hands.

Keep going, princess. I'm thinking of you and sending you good thoughts and energy.

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Michelle.. for remembering my sitch and that is insightful of you, he couldnt 'hear' my apologies, so I guess there is no mileage in repeating them. I started owning up and taking responsibility the day he said he wanted space (end of August) which is over a year ago now. He didnt want to hear it then and I guess he wont now.

My sister says he is a WAS.. he was so exasperated/angry, he just walked out and it was already too late. Because he is avoidant and conceals stuff, I didnt stand a chance, I had no clue. A year down the line, I cant see him reversing that position.

So no contact, I had a feeling when I spoke to him last Thursday we wouldnt see/speak to one another for a while, he sounded very gone. I had a concerned friend ask me how I was today.. she knows his new friend J, she lives in the same village, but she said she hadnt met my ex yet, or seen him in the pub.. and that wsa one place I worried he may have met someone. I am seeing another friend next week, the GF of his BMF here, so I guess I will find out then..I know this kind of thing is frowned upon, but I havent ever snooped as such, I just would like to know. If he is seeing someone, I dont suppose he would tell me.

Hey Rob, Jody is ace isnt she? Well, I dont know that my ex wants attention, quite the opposite! But yes, I think your W has massive resentments and wants you to pay - its a power reversal thing with her. At least it shows she cares !?? Unless she is just out for revenge. Yep, we have learnt some hard lessons and I am so grateful to him for that, I just wish he hadnt waited for me and my ovaries to get so old before he left!

Finally got to a place of acceptance, its over.. guess thats what happens when they stop contacting you and you just have to face it, they're gone. So drinking some red wine ! If you cant beat em join em.

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

Red wine sounds sooooo good. I need to get me a bottle and soon.

I told Jody that Ali was my friend from England and she was pleased that we've all been helping you to confirm your decision to stay dark. She summed it up by saying "that is why this place is here." She's so right.

Even though my D is racing fast (Oct. 6) I've still got 5 more sessions w/ her and I'll use them for me and my betterment even if I'm divorced. I know that Jody sincerely cares for me and it is so comforting to hear her voice.

I'm glad you are feeling a little better - well as better as we can feel when we've reached the point where we're sure it's ended. I also wish your BF had acted quicker, but don't give up on biology yet.

I also wish my W would have left me earlier as well as I'm older now and not nearly as put together as I once was. I guess I got a bit lazy w/ marriage and now the tough part is getting it back. It was a lot easier to do when I was younger, that's for sure.

Take care Princess and enjoy that wine!

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

Hey everyone.. late for work, eek. Been talking to my sis again. I had sent her the list of things he said to me over the past 6 months, I never posted it here, being too long, but a synopsis of our convos. She said, yes he sounded depressed, but he also just sounds really guilty and that theres something hes not telling you.. he never gave you anything. Talking this through with her, the penny dropped.. I thoguht I was doing good DBing in respect of listening and validating, but she said, but he never gave you anything to validate! (apart from his depression) he just kept saying "I'm sorry Al" over and over. So I got it wrong and therefore, I wish I had pushed him more, or been more direct when I did have the chance. You can validate nothing!

She said its disgraceful and disgusting that he walked out of a 9 year relationship and gave me nothing to help me understand why. Ok, maybe hes angry, or was exasperated, but he has consistently refused to say so, only "please dont blame yourself" but in the abscence of reasons, of course I am going to blame myself.

She thinks that I should get angry with him in a way, just make him face what he has done, say I need something from you to help me move on, stop saying sorry, I cant explain.

Thanks Rob.. did Jody really say it wsa good that everyone was backing my decision to go dark!? Funny. So its a week since we had contact. I'm not contacting him.

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Ali,
That's great news on the job front! Good for you!

I have to join my voice to the unanimous chorus urging you NOT to contact him in any way, shape or form until he contacts you, unless it is absolutely necessary (e.g. property papers must be dealt with). Several sub-topics to support that conclusion:
-- MLCers don't seem to have a great sense of the passage of time. I frequently read people on this board saying something like "I pointed out to him that it had been xxx period of time since yyy, and he seemed surprised." I think depression may affect that too; I know I have had times where I keep meaning to return a phone call for my business or something, and one day I realize that I have been putting it off for a matter of *weeks*, even though I say in my voice mail that I try to return messages by the next business day! EEK! I think that is my depression affecting my brain.
-- Not having the raw data, I can't analyze your conversations as your sister did, but I think you may have gained some insight there. However, I think that if he has kept saying, "I'm sorry, I can't explain," it isn't going to do you any good to put pressure on him for an answer. This is kind of the "squeezing water from a stone" thing--I don't think he understands it himself, so how can he explain it? Getting mad at him, while perfectly understandable, is not going to get you an explanation he doesn't have, or anything else you want, for that matter, IMHO.
-- And finally...you keep obsessing about whether he's found someone else. Think about this instead: if you go dark on him, then when he wakes up, he may wonder if YOU have found someone else! No need to be nasty about it (not that I think you would be), but put the shoe on the other foot!

What did Jody suggest doing for YOU?

Blessings and peace,
Dawn