Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I hear what your saying. I am struggeling to feel good about many things in my M right now. However, we have also come such a very long ways. I feel like this whole thing has been a learning process for both of us.
I am just recently starting to feel really scared for our future. But I am not at all willing to give up. There are many positives in my situation still.
His drinking and us living apart are the two things that are bugging me the most, but I have no idea what to do about them. Other than to be patient and hope that my H continues to better himself. He has made some progress in many other areas, except for these two.
He and I are best friends again, and it feels great. I know I wont be able to put up with living apart forever. He knows this. So I need to be patient and see where things go from here. If we were to move back in with each other, his drinking/bar hopping would ultimately slow down. That is why he doesnt want to make the move, because he is just not ready to stop his drinking. He would no longer live right next to all the bars if he were to move back in with me. He also says its because there is no place for him to have his band practices at my place, and his band is so important to him right now. So he is going to stay at his apartment for now. UHG! I dont know how long I can do this, living this way. But I cant quit now.
There are many people who are alcoholics and are in happy marriages. Their signifigant other doesnt always have to leave them due to there drinking. That is why there are things like Alanon. I have had many suggest it to me, but for some reason I just havent tried it yet. I guess I feel like it wont help. I know there general message. I guess if things get worse, I would have to try that before giving up.
My H really is a good man. He never used to drink as much or crave going to bars. I think it is all part of his crisis. He is not out of the woods yet. But I can see him starting to exit at times. I do think that if my H were happier with himself and his career and his life choices, that he would not be acting this way. He has no where to go but up. He is trying to explore changing careers, and he is getting his financial situation back together. I have seen so many small improvements in him, I cant give up now. Take Care, TIPPER
Hey Tipper- I think our H's are more alike, than not. My H is now in a band. They aren't playing live (yet) but are rehearsing 2-3 times per week and are trying get something recorded.
He is drinking WAY more than when we were together.
We don't live together.
He has a 25yo guy (that is in the same band) living with him. His studio has now take over a huge bonus room that we used to share as on office. Since I moved out, the room I used for my glass activities is now taken by the roommate, the office we shared is taken up with instruments, mics, etc. The spare room that used to be the guest room is now his office. .. I am quite sure part of why my H doesn't want me to move back in is because he is living it up as a 'single' guy.
My H is my best friend. He took me to Costa Rica in April. We are "dating" exclusively currently. But. But I am not sure that I see things moving forward.
I didn't mean to crititcize your desire to save your marriage. I just wanted to be sure that you are looking out for 'tipper'.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Hey Tipper and Trixi- My H may not be in a band but other than that he does sound similar to your H's. We are "dating" but don't live together and he drinks more than he should.
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Now, I know I am one to talk. My H is tossing me crumbs and I have been accepting them. Sometimes I get more than crumbs and that keeps me going; but at some point, I need to have a real relationship with someone that is capable of being my partner.
This is the exact way I feel. I want more than crumbs...I deserve more than crumbs but I also believe in marriage vows. I hate this!
At times I feel I have had to suck up way too much and my trust is so far gone that I may not ever get it back. If I could forget about the vow part, it almost seems like it would be easier to give up and start over in a new relationship...BUT then I think there would be no guarantee there either so isn't worth fighting for the known commodity?
Tipper, if you believe your H is an alcoholic then it might be a good idea for you to go check out Alanon...or get some individual C. Maybe you get your H to C with you? My H and I have been going for awhile...I think it is helping but he really needs to do a lot of individual work. I keep hoping he will go but he has been avoiding it so far.
Ok, Tipper, I am going to throw my hat into this ring. First, it really sounds like your H is in a MLC. MLC can take up to 3-7 years to cycle through. Now, if your H were in, lets say, a coma, what would you do? You would go out and do things for YOU to keep creating happiness while keeping a piece of your heart hopeful that he would wake up. You can keep sitting there waiting for him to wake up, it is not healthy for you. It sounds like he keeps cycling - very common for MLC - and you keep getting sucked into it. I am glad that you have made it as far as you have, wished I was having dates with my H, but walking on eggshells SUX. Been there, done that.
There has to be a healthy way to open conversation with your H about creating a possible timeline for him to move back in with you and for cutting back on drinking. He is medicating his MLC still with the alcohol....mine is doing it with OW. Unfortunately, you can not control his actions, but you can control how it affects you. My advise is to detach from him to some degree. Step back from him just a little. He has gotten use to the status quoe, shake it up a bit. Dont be so eger to be at his beck and call. Maybe if he starts to feel like you are slipping away, it will kick in his need to persue and things will change. Just a thought.
Just so you know, I think you have a great possibility to pull through this. You just have to be the strength right now so he has a light to help guide him through it. He has come back to you to some degree, now let him cross the finish line as well. Step back and get happy again.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
You guys are all so great. I cant tell you how nice it is to feel like I am not all alone here. I can not thank you all enough for your support and advice.
This last week with my H has been incredible. I feel like he is starting to commit more to me. It is so nice to feel that way and to see the progress.
Isnt it weird how common all of our men are??? Maybe its just a guy thing! But I agree, definitely MLC!!!
Trixi, You dont have to apologize. I still know that your intentions are pure and good. I understand that I need to look out for me first while I try and save my M. I guess I was just trying to let you know that I cant give up.
If I were being hurt or if he was treating me badly or meanly then I think I would have to change my mind, and completely let go. But he has never been cruel to me or abusive to me. Its just that he abuses alcohol and that means he is often at the bars and away from me. I know it is not healthy for us, and I am pretty sure he knows it too. But for now, He is only making baby steps at getting better and I need to be patient and help support him when I can.
Thanks to all of you! Please stick around, I love having people here that I can relate to and that offer me so much wisdom. This place is a life saver. TIPPER
Tipper, this may sound harsh so I apologize in advance.
It is one thing for him to go to bars and be away from you. It is another thing to get repeated DWIs. That is not simply disrespectful of you. It is criminal.
This is a serious problem; no parent, no thoughtful person can condone or accept this. MLC or not, DWI is illegal and dangerous. 0.22 is not ok to drive. It imperils innocent people. You wanna get drunk? fine. Wanna get high? fine. Just don't go endangering innocents by jumping into a car.
There is no way the police should have let him go. I have compassion for people in MLC, or people with any problems, but none of them get a pass on drunk driving.
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There are many people who are alcoholics and are in happy marriages. Their signifigant other doesnt always have to leave them due to there drinking. That is why there are things like Alanon. I have had many suggest it to me, but for some reason I just havent tried it yet. I guess I feel like it wont help.
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If I were being hurt or if he was treating me badly or meanly then I think I would have to change my mind, and completely let go. But he has never been cruel to me or abusive to me. Its just that he abuses alcohol and that means he is often at the bars and away from me.
I am a non expert, but it seems to me that yours is classic enabling behavior. You are making excuses for him.
I'm not telling you to give up on him. I'm exhorting you to not accept his behavior, and to stop making excuses for him. Alanon has good advice for how to support him (and it is definitely not by making excuses). Lots of people have recommended Alanon. So go, already.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
SirPrizeMe and BrokenHearted, thanks for your suggestions. I know I should look into alanon but I am so afraid that my H would get depressed if I were to let him know I was going.
I know drinking and driving is unacceptable. I dont do it and neither should he. He only does it when I am not with him. If I am with him we always have an alternate plan of getting home.
He told me the only way he would stop is if he gets caught and it hurts his wallet. I said that is not good and you are not learning from this experience. He said he knows and he never wants to ever hurt anyone else. So his concious does pop up from time to time.
I am not in counseling becuase I tried it last summer with two places and neither of them seemed to help. Both the counselors were pushing me to leave the marriage. I just dont think I have to give up. I want this to work out.
I am considering starting it up again and trying someone new, but I have not gotten a lot out of it in the past. TIPPER
Journaling, Well, when I look quickly at my last few posts they seem to be so doom and gloom. So on a better note, there have been some improvements in my sitch lately.
My H has been staying here regulary 5 days a week. The other two nights he has his gigs, and then we go our seperate ways home.
He only went to the bar 3 times last week. That is way better than every night-all night.
He does admit that he has a drinking problem with out me bugging him anymore, now I try to support him and reward him when he makes healthy choices.
He just put in a hot tub at my place that he got in exchange for a roof job he did. He lives in an apartment so we put it here. We still need to hookup the electrical.
We are starting two new bowling leagues on the weekends together, one with my family and our old friends and the other league with his friends from his band.
We have created a balence between hanging out with our old friends and his new friends and a even a bit with my family. It feels good, like he is finally starting to trust enough to commit more.
He said the other day, that he was actually starting to think about wanting to have kids more and more lately. I was shocked. He said this to me last spring also in one of our short attempts to reconcile. He knows I want to have kids within a few years and he has always been kindof negative about the idea in the last few years. So he knows where I stand and I have now backed off. It is amazing to hear him now being the one to bring it up unprovoked.
I am happy, I love my H with all my heart. I hated being away from him, I missed his touch and care. I feel blessed to have this opportunity to reconcile with my H. I hope that some day we are healthy enough in our M to have kids together.
