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#1584465 - 09/08/08 03:12 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: SingleDad]
Ready2Change Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/08
Posts: 3962
Loc: Colorado
Hi SD,

You can control your thoughts, actions and words. Be strong man and take the high road. If you love it, set it free......
_________________________
"What is best for my kids is best for me"

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#1584526 - 09/08/08 03:35 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: Ready2Change]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
My W is pissed at me - would not take my call - so I sent her this e-mail:

I am sorry to anger you and burst your secret Affair - You are still Legally Married by the way - Legal Separation is not a Divorce.

How am I supposed to feel ?

I hope someday you can understand why I am standing up for my family... This is not right.

I do not know if you were trying to protect me from being hurt or wanting to hid the affair from me.

You think you are in love with this other man - this other man who broke up a family, ended a marriage, and took your daughter away from you and away from me half of the time - why would you love another man who would do that to another family - what are his morals ???

I hope you think it is worth it - you are destroy lives - and you are too blinded by love to see it. - It is not love - it is infatuation - I know that you could not love someone who has no morals

In a few years you will probably learn that it was all a mistake - Too late to correct it.

I am so sorry you cannot see what is right.

I do love you very much - I wish you could see that instead."


My marriage is over - I couldn't just sit by doing nothing without documenting how I feel. I hope she someday understands.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1584845 - 09/08/08 07:10 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Now sit back and stay OUT of contact with her.

You've said your piece, and in my opinion, she deserved to hear every word.

Establish YOUR boundaries. Move FORWARD with your life, stop being paralyzed by your desire for a healed marriage.

You might be amazed at what happens.

LEAVE it ALONE.

There is nothing more you can do except insist that PROPER actions be taken by both of you.


Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#1584901 - 09/08/08 07:41 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Bworl]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
I know that is probably right... but I just feel helpless.


For the first 5 months during the divorce process- I begged and pleaded to save the marriage.

For the next 3 months during the separation - I stayed as friendly as possible to allow us to parent our daughter - having the belief that we each needed time to heal and possibly rebuild.

Now I learn that it was all a lie. W wanted to be friendly as it would just make it easier for her to have the affair guilt free.

It is still having an affair after a legal separation ? - I think it is as we are still legally married for at least the 365 days - but she considers us already divorced. (I cannot prove she had the BF before she fiuled for a divorce - though I believe it makes sense it started before - seeing as she tore up all of our wedding pictures and took off her ring soon after she filed)
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1584918 - 09/08/08 07:49 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
HFGW Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 281
Feel for you my friend. You said you piece, got it off your chest, made her realize that all will not be rosy. Hurts like hell and shakes you to the core of who you are.

Now, need to keep the chin up her and tell yourself that you DESERVE better than this. You control your response to her actions. She does not control dedicate your happiness. You control that. Go back to all the DB actions and view this as the start of the rest of your life. Take all your energy and make it work for you, not against you.

Be at peace with yourself.
_________________________
Me: 38
W: 41
M: 17 yrs
3 kids
Bomb: 3/08 affair
Status: On Divorce track

Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1620805&page=0&fpart=1

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#1585141 - 09/08/08 11:04 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: HFGW]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Wow - I really liked something I read on another thread... In my anger I e-mailed this to my W:

"What have I really lost?

1. A wife who cheated.
2. A wife who was not honest.
3. A wife who would not honor her marriage vows (better or worse, til death...)
4. A mother who is willing to give her only child a broken home so she can be happy.
And so on..."

Ouch... I wonder what reprocussions that will have....

Maybe her knowing how I feel will give me some peace - knowing she has done this to herself.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1585181 - 09/08/08 11:46 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Ok SD, time to stop the hammering.

I know it hurts and part of you feels better by delivering the blunt truth to her, but it makes you look a bit petty and vindictive (not that you don't have reason to be).

You feel helpless. Of course you do. You are JUST now facing the reality that your marriage may be over. This marriage at least.

My guess is that this is a woman who will not be changing anytime soon. She has quite a track record with you long before this most recent betrayal. But that doesn't mean that you HAVE to choose to give up on her.

Whether you remain alone or choose to move on, complete with the possibility of another one day, is totally YOUR choice.

The bottom line is that hanging on to her right now will only bring hurt.

And honestly, I think your most effective course is to be honest with the situation, establish some stern boundaries regarding the children, and ALLOW yourself to find some peace and calmness again. By letting go of her NOW, you allow yourself to heal and prepare yourself for whatever the future might hold.

Letting the WAS get away with inappropriate behavior in the hopes of a restored relationship is humiliating. My guess is that they KNOW we are allowing them to abuse us, and it only strengthens their belief that we are not the ones for them.

I'm terribly sorry for all you're going through. But I also know that you are quite strong enough to come through it a stronger and better man.


Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#1585205 - 09/09/08 12:10 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: Bworl]
HFGW Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 281
SD - time to move on my friend. Sorry to tell you. She may still be in there but it will take a real long time to come out. I am so sorry but this will make you stronger.
_________________________
Me: 38
W: 41
M: 17 yrs
3 kids
Bomb: 3/08 affair
Status: On Divorce track

Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1620805&page=0&fpart=1

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#1585988 - 09/09/08 02:21 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: HFGW]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
I am acting with my heart and doing what I feel is right at the moment... not following some concept of leaving her cold or moving on... and see if she comes running back... I am trying to appeal to her convictions and morals which are currently distorted by her emotions...

Again I still in my heart feel I need to know in my heart and soul that I did all that I could to save my marriage - moving on and living my separate life does not feel that I was doing all that I could - at least not at this moment

There was an incident - learning about the boyfriend, that stirred up the waters - I am going to use that for a few days to show her how I feel before I go back to simply living my own independent life.

I sent her an e-mail this morning before I logged into this forum that I will share with everyone - again it is against most advice I have read or received here... So far most advice is simply intended to spare me of any more hurt and telling me to move on in my life (as most others have learned that their marriages could not be saved or were in early stages of an affair but still the wayward spouse has conflicting emotions about what to do).


I think I have a limited window to stir things up - and produce some conflict in her between her emotions and her moral convictions - So I am seizing on that oppportunity for a short while... before I go back to living independently.

I e-mailed this to her before I logged in to this forum:

"I am not trying to hurt or anger you. I am trying to show you that you are blinded by your emotions and are living in fantasy land - I am trying to show you the impact you are having in the real world - If you could only see things apart from your emotions

At least you agree that you have not been honest, that you are not honoring your marital vows after only 3 1/2 years, and you are willing to give Brooke a broken home for the rest of her life, because right now you think that is the only way that you can be happy. That is not the only way you can be happy. I understand the pain you were going through - I am going through it now - so I am in a position to understand and make things right between us. I have learned what listening means... I have learned what your emotional needs are. I will be there for you is you just let me

And #1 is also true

You are legally married - currently you cannot re-marry because you are still married to me - You are committing Adultery by definition

I wish you could just see that this boyfriend is giving you comfort and affection while convincing you that you should leave your husband, break up your family, and give Brooke a broken home, and see your daughter only half of the time for the rest of her life going forward

Do you really think you can be fully happy in the long run when you see your daughter only half of the time ? No man can fill that void - at least not long term.

None of this has to happen. We have our share of problems - but we can work on them - I certainly commit myself to making our marriage work

I want you to be happy within our family - I will do every thing in my power to make that happen

During this whole separation process, I have followed through on my word to you - I have shown you that I "set you free" because I love you, I have never lied to you, I have never wronged you, never tried to hurt you - I am just trying to have you see things in the real world. Giving you your freedom in the hopes that you will come back. I know we needed our space to understand where things were going wrong, to understand each other, understand what each other needs, and hopefully be able to reconcile

It is not to late to correct things. We all make mistakes. We are all human.

Most men would have give up a long time ago...my commitment to you during all of this shows you that I love you - there is nothing more powerful than that

I can forgive things and love you if you start making the right decisions - my family can forgive things and love you too if you turn around and do the right things - I will make them understand - that is my promise to you

Nothing is more important to me than having a complete and happy family - nothing

Please don't wait until it is too late."
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1586020 - 09/09/08 02:41 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation [Re: SingleDad]
mulesqb Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 1408
Singledad - Been following your sitch but haven't posted. My heart truly goes out to you. It really does. I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling right now, I'm scared to death I will find out how it feels.

BUT - from my perspective you are putting your D in her face as a reason to reconcile with you. Is that the message you really want to send her?? Don't you want her to come back out of love for you, not because of guilt??

Again - I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, I really can't so I can understand your emotions getting the best of you right now. But you have said your piece to her and are really trying to fix her when she feels she doesn't need any fixing. I did this and someone posted to me on my thread - do you think you look attractive right now?? My answer was a definite no. So please think about that before you keep hammering her. You are probably driving her farther and farther away right now and that means closer to him.

If you want her to see something, start working on yourself big time. Go off and cry your eyes out, do what you need to do to regroup and then start getting attractive again. I'm no expert but if I was you, I would go completely dark right now - you spoke your mind - now stop trying to control her, because she won't let you.

And listen to Bill - he's like Yoda.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Remember - Strength and Honor.
_________________________
M 43
W 44
M 17
T 22
S16,12,9
Bomb 2/05/08
I served her 1/06/09
S'd 3/15/09
D'd 12/21/09



"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.

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