Hi everybody, Here is my situation. My wife of 6 years finally had our divorce finalized about three month ago. She filed and was right for doing it. In a nutshell, our marriage was great for the first three years. I was happy and she was happy – we both worked hard at getting our needs met. When we had our first child – a daughter – I freaked out. I didn’t want the responsibility of being a father. The first three months I thought I was going to lose my mind. To make a long story short, I left the house and moved in with a guy friend of mine. For the next two years I was in and out of my wife/daughters life. In short, I neglected them and I was wrong for doing it. I always loved my wife, but I couldn’t handle the stress of being a dad at the time. I never wanted children (so I thought) and I guess you can say our daughter was unplanned. She was right for leaving.
About six months before the divorce, she would beg and plea for me to move back in – to be a family. I was stupid, immature, and did not realized what a great family I had till it was taken away. About two months before we got a divorce – I guess you can say I woke up. I realized that I did love my wife and daughter – that I really did what to be with my family. I asked my wife to take me back and she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. I made the mistake and begged, cried, and pleaded with her to take me back. I only drove her further away. I finally stopped doing that and decided that I was going to start loving her – to put her needs first and to not focus on my own needs – but rather her own happiness. Slowly, we started to talk, but she still went through with the divorce. Now we’ve gotten to the point where we talk quite a bit on the phone and do things together. At first she was questioning my change – wondering what my motive was. She would say stuff like “you never did that before.” After three months of being divorce, I can see that she is slowing starting to confide in me again – that trust is starting to be rebuilt. However, she will jokingly say stuff like “I know what you are doing” or that “there is no way we are getting back together.” That hurts. I feel like we have made a lot of progress, but she keeps asking me if there are any strings attached with me being so nice and attentive to her needs. I tell her that I just want her to be happy and that anything I do I do with no conditions.
I want to be reconciled with my ex-wife so badly. I love her and my daughter so much. I didn’t realize the sacrifices and work that having a family takes – I was a fool for ever leaving. I feel like my ex and I have made so much progress these last three months, and yet I feel that maybe it is hopeless at times – especially when she makes comments like the ones in the paragraph above. I know that I have to keep on loving her – that is not focusing on my emotional needs at the moment – but focusing on what can I do to make sure my ex-wife/daughter are growing and are happy. We’ve gotten to the point where we are calling each other by our pet names and are going out to dinner more frequently as a family . Even so, I get so discouraged and it is hard to tell if we have made progress or if she really just sees me as a friend. I want to remarry my ex-wife and I am fighting for our marriage. It is hard not telling her that I love her or how I feel about her – but I know that those emotions have to be put aside until if and when she is ever ready to accept me back into her life.
I guess I am in this forum looking for advice and especially encouragement. About 20% of couples do remarry their ex – so I am hoping that God does a miracle. The other night we had dinner and it was great. But then she told me that she still doesn’t trust me or feel safe around me. I don’t blame her. I know I did a lot of damage and I don’t know if she will ever forgive or trust me again after what I did.
For the last three months, I have been real good with not pushy her into the relationship or bringing up the subject of love/marriage/our relationship. However, yesterday I screwed up. I got real emotional with her when we where driving to dinner and told her that I miss her and that I still what us to be a family again. She told me that it was hopeless and why would she put her trust in me again to only have me leave again. Afterward, we had a good dinner, but I felt like crap the rest of the evening for what I said. Patience is hard, but that is what it is going to take.
To further complicate things, she has a best friend (that's a male) that she has known for about 20 years. Her best friend has always been there for her and my daughter, especially when I left the house. Although they are only friends, they are in the process of buying a house together. She tells me that that is the only way she can get a house in a good neighborhood for our daughter. I know that she doesn't have feelings for the guy, but I am having a hard time dealing with it. She calls me on the phone and tells me how excited she is about finally having a house for her and our daughter (we always lived in an apartment). I tell how that that is awesome and that I am so happy for her. Even if she gets the house with her best friend, I still plan on not giving up. It is just right now I am in so much pain and have been crying almost every single day.
I just spent the last hour skimming through this forum and have found it quite encouraging. Here's a little more on my situation.
My ex and I have been talking on the phone almost everyday now. She also calls me up in the morning when I am driving to work and will call me throughout the day to see how I am doing. We tend to talk about a variety of stuff and I can see she is slowly starting to confide in me about her feelings (although not her feelings about our relationship). I have been working hard on being a listening ear and validating her feelings. I have started to give her small gifts here and there (buying her an outfit here or there, bringing her lunch to her office, etc). She also has been making suggestions about a particular high-end restaurant that we always wanted to go to but never did.
I feel like we have gotten closer, but I can tell she still has trust issues with me. She will tell me that I never did this or that when we where married. She also made the comment the other day that I will stop being nice after a year since that is not how I really am. Although she tells me these things jokingly, I know that is how she feels and I know I have a lot of work to do in restore that sense of safety and trust.
I don't know if this relationship is salvageable or if the damage I did is unrepairable. I am trying real hard to make my time with my ex memorable and pleasant when I'm with her. I am also trying to avoid any topics about love, the relationship, our marriage, etc - which is not easy for me to do because I so much want to tell her how much I love her. I know that this is going to take patience, but sometimes I don't know if I am wasting my time trying to reconcile. There are many days where I am hurting/crying so badly and nothing I do seems to alleviate the pain. I want my ex and my daughter to be happy - even if that means putting aside my happiness temporarily. A good example is that she is trying to get a house with her best friend. I know she is doing this so our daughter can go to a good school district and have a home to go to. We live in Boston, so houses are quite expensive, even for a small one. Right now she is staying with a girl friend of hers and only has one room for her and our daughter. So I offered to have her transfer about half her credit card debt to my card so her credit rating will go up. She was grateful and accepted. She will be making the payments on it though. She and her best friend are applying this week for the mortgage - although she is trying to get it solely in her name.
Given my situation, do you think there is hope? That I am doing the right thing? Please feel free to ask any questions or if I need to elaborate more on anything. I want to reconcile, but I want to be sure that I am not putting any pressure on her to get back with me like I did the other night I described on my previous post.
Last edited by lovenomatterwhat; 09/07/0811:02 PM.
Well, I might have some insight because my H left when our D was 14 months old and was emotionally checked out when I was about 3 months pregnant.
He is also involved with another woman and shows little interest in me. He has shown increasing interest in D, so I am glad about that. But I don't hold out much hope for us. I have thought of begging and pleading about being a family but I feel there is no point as he hasn't shown interest. Interestingly, as I have begun to be indifferent, I notice that he is slightly more interested.
I can tell you that I have found that most people say "Get rid of him" even if they do not know about the other woman. Fairly or not, you are not going to get any sympathy from most people. There isn't much sympathy for men who desert their families. With that said, the DB C told m that until 19 months, many men are not very interested in their kids. Here are the thoughts that run through my head, even though H doesn't show interest in reconciling:
-Would he take off the next time a major life situation emerged? What if I were sick, for example? If he took off before, why would he stick around now when the going gets tough?
-How has he changed? Has he changed? And why?
-What if I took him back and then he left again? Our D would have to deal with all the pain and now she is old enough to be more deeply affected! I could not stand the idea of hurting my beautiful little girl, who cried and cried when he left.
-Does he have realistic expectations of our R and parenting? Parenting is hard. You say you didn't realize the sacrifices--you didn't make them before--why are you willing to now? I am sympathetic to your situation because I think you are sincere but I am telling you from a perspective of a deserted wife...as you might guess, writing this is making me a little angry.
I think you are doing the right thing because being a family does matter if you are prepared to work very hard to restore the trust and make a better marriage. But this time your child is old enough to get really hurt if you leave again.
I would want my H to:
-Show interest. You're doing that.
And I can say that the fact that you show emotion is maybe good. Even if she rejects you, she knows where your head is. Have you talked to a DB C?
-Show remorse.
Be willing to admit how badly you screwed up.
-Show sympathy for what she has gone through. This is a very big deal to me.
-Show interest in your child. Show you're willing to do the things that are not "fun" things like playing games--taking kid to doctor, drop-offs/pickups, taking time off work when kid is sick. Show you are willing to make sacrifics. In my H's case, he could talk until the cows come home but I am only interested in action from him because I don't trust a word he says.
-Put her and your child first. I think my D is about third or fourth priority to H, probably lower, and I don't believe my well-being is even on his list. If you're saying you care but when the chips are down, you're somewhere else, you will be back at square 1.
-Let her be angry. Understand why she is angry.
-Be aware that some people will be watching for you to screw up and show her you're not to be trusted. If you screw up, apologize immediately and tell her you are doing your very best.
I can tell you that parenting alone is incredibly stressful and when I think of how hard it was for me early on, I am even less willing to consider reconciling. I am not saying not forgive--I think I have done that-- but I am not sure I would be willing to open up to be hurt again. Once bitten, twice shy.
I went for probably 3 months without taking a break for myself. I had no sitters and nobody to help me. I just did it. I also had physical problems from having D that I was not aware of, and it made it harder.
And absences at special events hurt a great deal. D has day care programs--no H. D has Christmas--no H. My mom is ill--no H. Heck, even in the hospital, I was alone almost the entire day after D was born. D crying for H really hurts, too.
So do not miss any event that includes your child!!! If you are busy, say, being elected president of the United States, that's probably a somewhat acceptable excuse. Somewhat!
Eventually I have gotten used to it being D and me. We have a routine that does not include H.
Actions mean a lot more than words. Gifts would mean nothing to me. I would be very skeptical of words, although I'm not sure you could apologize enough. I would want to see that H would be willing to put D and me first, and that he is willing to make some sacrifices.
I'm not saying walk on burning coals. But you may need to come close to it.
Good luck. Please keep posting on your situation--it does give me some hope that H may eventually think we are worth making an effort for.
Really that is how I have felt--we were not worth H making an effort.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
"To further complicate things, she has a best friend (that's a male) that she has known for about 20 years. Her best friend has always been there for her and my daughter, especially when I left the house."
I missed that the friend is male. I have a crush on a male friend. He is divorced but committed to his kids. We talk about kids a lot. That is very attractive to me. He has listened to me at very difficult times, although I have been careful not to divulge too much and would not describe him as a best friend. Nor would I move in with him!
But I'll be honest. I don't have much in common with him. He became more attractive when I felt most rejected and have the least hope w/H. I'm kind of in a neutral mode with him at the moment because I am starting to feel better about myself.
Unfortunately when I am more neutral, I think this makes me more attractive to him! I think he wants to see what happens w/H.
If H showed interest and willingness to work and take responsibility for his actions, as you have, it would make Crushee much less attractive. Ultimately I would prefer to have a new and improved R w/H but don't see it as a possibility.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Hi Breton39, Thank you for your perspective – it is always good to hear about how other women feel and think. You are definitely right about not getting sympathy from people. I had originally posted in another forum and I got a lot of “you deserve to be in pain” type of responses that offered little or no hope. That said, I don’t blame anyone for not having sympathy on me.
My ex has been having a lot of health problems lately – mainly neurological where she would get really bad numbness or bad stomach pains. Last month she called me up from work and asked me to pick her up from work to take her to the ER. I was with her the whole afternoon and I could tell she really appreciated it – so you are absolutely right about being there through the hard times. I have also been doing stuff like going grocery shopping with her, picking up our daughter from day care or taking her to the doctor. I wish I had more opportunities to make those sacrifices which ultimately are great opportunities to demonstrate love and not really sacrifices when I think about it. I am always happy when she asks me to run an errand for her or do this or that to help her out.
I am definitely putting her and my daughter first – but at the same time I am not trying to appear like I am being pushy or putting pressure on her to get back with me. I really do want to spend quality time with them and it makes me so happy when we go out to eat or just do errands like getting an oil change on the SUV.
My ex sometimes reminds me of how hard parenting was and it makes me so angry at myself when I think about. I tell her that I was wrong and that I am sorry for what I did.
I am trying really hard to validate her feelings – to show her that she has every right to be mad at me. I want her to know that I really do want her to be happy – that I want her to be the best version of herself that she can be.
I think patience is the hardest thing for me right now. Sometimes it seems like things are never going to change, like there is no hope. But I know that I must keep pressing on and not give up. I am really trying to make this about her needs and her happiness – to not be selfish like I was when I left.
I am also trying to make myself a better person. I have been reading a lot lately, exercising and just trying to be a better man so that if we do get back together – I am ready to be the husband she needs me to be.
I am seeing a DB counselor – although I don’t know if it has helped much to be honest. I think the biggest thing for me is having a listening ear – so I am thankful for my DB counselor for that and for the advice I receive. It is easy to know what to do, but it is really hard actually doing it and having the patience to see it through. I have been keeping a journal and making notes to be self on what type of person I need to be and working to become that person.
To answer your questions:
What scared you into leaving? I had my priorities wrong. I basically wanted to do my own thing. I have always been big on education. I went to Harvard as an undergrad and thought that putting my career was most important. A lot of my college friends were making twice what I was and I allowed that to deceive me into thinking that I had to compete with them. In retrospect, I wish I could take that Harvard degree and flush it down the toilet as it made me believe that I had to have wealth, a good position, etc to be important. I also did not grow up with a father or father-figure – so I never did get the direction I needed in life about how important family was. I grew up very poor, so I had to always work hard in getting somewhere in life, but didn’t realize how important and joyful having a family could really be. I do know.
What made you turn the corner and decide the relationship and family was worth it? When I was dating my ex before we got married and even the first few years of our marriage – it brought me so much joy. I enjoyed being with her and doing things with her – especially just laying on the bed and talking about whatever. As I began to do well in my job, I begin to do a lot of thinking. I didn’t have anyone tell me that I should get back or tell me that I was wrong and needed to be with my family – I wish I had. I began to think about where I wanted my life to go and what is really important. I began to remember the wonderful times my ex and I had. More than anything, I got to a point where my education, career, etc just didn’t matter to me. I wanted someone to love and to be loved back – and I wanted that person to be my ex. I began to really regret all the times I missed out on being with my family. I was the one who told her that we should get a divorce, but I never went through with it for whatever reason. However, when I was served the divorce papers, that really opened my eyes and began to want to be different – to want to be a family man – to want to sacrifice and give everything I have for my ex and my daughter. I really can’t say there was one factor that influenced my decision, but I think it was just me having so much time to myself that I really started to think about stuff.
Was there anything that would have helped you “see” the situation more clearly? I don’t really know to be honest. I guess I had to come to this conclusion on my own. I really wished I had a father figure who would have spoken to me and given me a good speech. Unfortunately, in Boston there are a lot of arrogant ppl who (although there are plenty of good ones too), but it is easy to lose focus when colleagues and old school mates act as if only career and $$$ are important.
Did your family/friends influence you at all in your decision? Unfortunately not. If anything, they probably influenced me the wrong way. I am no longer “friends” with a lot of these folks as that is not the type of person I want to be.
LMNW, you sound as if you are making the right moves.
It is interesting that you talk about education, etc.. I think my H's ultimate issue was that he had not accomplished something work-wise that he really wanted to accomplish.
It has now happened and I am wondering if that might change things. I am wondering if he will realize that the universe has not stopped because of this achievement.
If I were assessing his priorities from my perspective, they would be in this order:
-His feelings -His work -Rescuing his girlfriend -Time to himself -Maybe our D. Maybe. -Maybe his family. Maybe. -Cleaning the toliet -Watching TV -Insert about 100 items here -Me
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Also, I think a lot of men have feelings that you did with having a child--they panic. I think there should be classes for expectant fathers, too, and without any women in them.
If I may ask one more question, what prompted some of the self-reflection and change priorities? It sounds as if accomplishing some of the things you wanted to made a difference?
Keep doing what you are doing. It sounds as if you have some competition, quite frankly. but I can tell you that she has probably remembered good times with you, too.
"I know that this is going to take patience, but sometimes I don't know if I am wasting my time trying to reconcile."
You are not, but it is going to take more patience than you can imagine. You really have to be up for this haul. She probably "tried" with you for a long time...if you can at least match that you may get somewhere....
Last edited by breton39; 09/09/0802:45 AM.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
You are absolutely right about classes for expectant fathers – I think that would have helped. I did panic when we had our daughter. I didn’t have the slightly clue on what I should be feeling, doing, etc. It is like I became a blank sheet of paper.
Men tend to base their worth on what they do, have and accomplished. Seldom is it about who they are as a person. Sooner or later, he has going realize that accomplishments really don’t bring happiness and things/pleasures are not what matter in life. My ex use to always tell me how important family was and how work, school, things, etc are not important in the bigger picture of things. I never listened. Unfortunately, this is something your H is going to have to come to the conclusion on his own. Some men realize this through time, others through suffering. Some, unfortunately never learned. I really do hope things work out in your situation.
If I may ask one more question, what prompted some of the self-reflection and change priorities? It sounds as if accomplishing some of the things you wanted to made a difference?
I think you are right about some of my accomplishments. I think they did make a difference in the sense that once I had them, I realized that they really are not all that great. As mentioned, I think too many men based their self-worth on what they do rather than who they are as a person. I really think there needs to be something where boys can be taught or expose early enough in life that what matters most in life is character, honor, integrity, and most of love. Too many men are raised up with the false illusion that work, competition, $$$ are everything.
As far as what prompted some of the self-reflection – I don’t really know to be honest. Material and superficial things are only temporary. Eventually, they no longer bring happiness. I think deep down every person has a great desire to know and be known – to really have someone to share their life experiences with. To love and be loved. Some people are afraid to pursue that because they don’t want to be hurt. Others are simply distracted with temporary things such as I was in focusing so much on work. For me, I began to slowly began to think about things – each night and week a little more. As I start to have self-reflection and really begin to look inside, I discovered that I had not been true to myself. That I had robbed myself by not living a life sacrificing and being there for my family. I really do believe that the purpose of life is to love and be loved. And when people don’t live out that purpose, eventually it begins to eat them alive. Some get bitter, angry, sad – others begin to let go and start loving. It really depends I guess.
I do feel like I am in some competition at times. It hurts me that she is going to be living with her best friend. I almost feel like he is taking my place and my family. But I must keep loving and hope for the best I guess.
