Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 15 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 14 15
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 283
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 283
I have a feeling this is exactly what my life would be like post-D or next step of seperation. Hang in there Singledad.


Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,312
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,312
Hey SingleDad...

You sound as if you are beginning to get a handle on the act 'as if'. As far as GAL'ing you are thinking of new things to do, but instead of just thinking of them do them. As you have read and heard a thousand times throughout this BB, this whole process is about working on YOU. Bettering yourself and making yourself more appealing to other people. In the process of doing this if it spikes an interest in your WAS so much the better but if not then all of this will teach you to be okay without her. You have mentioned that this time has made you a better dad already so good on you keep working on yourself to be the best man you can be and an even better father.

I have a suggestion, stop with the time frame of things, I understand you have less than a year, but by referencing this to yourself all the time it keeps you in a 'panic' mode IMHO. You can't put a time line on any of this it will happen as it happens, so do yourself a favor and forget about it.

As far as helping the W with finances this is a positive, in that she is trusting your judgement on what to do with the money, doesn't matter that it was 'yours' it's hers now and that's what is important she feels close enough to allow this. Also by helping her it shows her that you can be a friend to her and leave the R/M out of it.

Not uncommon for a WAS to ask the LBS if they are dating or make remarks about on the GF/BF must have helped, all this is doing is taking a temperature of where you are at in all of this, if you are still committed or moving on. You did good by just rolling right past it and not saying a word, dude that was what is a called a cheeseless tunnel and it was her way of baiting you to bite GOOD ON YOU!!!

Her calling you and talking about the swimming lessons is another good positive cause at this point you need to be good at co-parenting for your D sake and keep the line of communication open. SD, despite how you may be feeling you are doing good. Stay away from R talks let her come to you. Find more GAL things to do so that 1. you can peak her interest and 2. it gives you something to get interested in and possible bring to the table for conversation.

Stay your path you will get stronger as you see the changes in you start to take shape and keep on keeping on...

Brian


Me:46/W:38
D:18/D:12
Bomb: 08/27/07
Seperated: 05/17/08
M:9/T:13
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
Thanks Brian for the support - true I need to stop thinking of my timeline. I do not think I am yet doing as much as I could be doing to make myself appealing to other people, but I am working on bettering myself.

There is a picture of my daughter with a whip cream mustache - like she has on shaving cream, which was taken by her daycare. I asked my W for the picture as it means a lot to me. She offered to give it to me.

I think my W is beginning to see just how important my daughter is to me - how much I want my daughter in my life... That I am doing so much to be sure she has good clothes, toys and has lots of fun with me, and I am being a responsible parent with her. On Monday, my W told me my daughter asked to "go to daddy's house" - I think that is why my W hung around my house for 30 minutes rather than the typical 10 seconds.

I think I am seeing subtle changes in W - very subtle, after a couple months of my new approach. It is making our interactions certainly more bearable... I am hopeful that they can lead to some joint activities a couple times a month or so.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
My Wife admitted to me last night that she has a Boyfriend...

She was under the false belief that I was seeing someone and when she questioned me about it, I told her that she hasn't told me about anything she is doing, so why should I tell you. After she told me the truth, I told her that I was not seeing anyone - she was pissed at me for lying to her. I said I never lied, I just let you believe what you wanted to believe.

Instead of flying off the handle with her admission, it ended up that we had a 30 minute heart to heart conversation - that we haven't had since the separation.

I dropped a lot of the DB principles. While I wasn't clingy or needy. I said in no uncertain terms that when I decided to marry you and have a child with you and start a family together, I would love you and stay with you for better or worse. I am so sorry that our last year was our worst. I am so sorry that you had to go to an attorney to file for a divorce for me to see the light, but now I do see the light, and I know what life is like without you and without my family. She admitted that she is very angry that it took such a drastic action for me to see the problems and want to do everything I can to be sure she is happy. I said I have learned a lot... she asked what... I said for onethat I know what you mean when you want me to listen to you; I was only hearing you, I wasn't listening.

I told her I understand why she had to do this, and I think it has been very beneficial, because now I see what it takes to be a great father, and I want to be a great husband if you just let me. I realize that it could take years to repair the damage, but I am willing to put in the work.

I told her that I miss my family and that It tears me apart that I do not get to see my daughter 4 days every week. My W admitted that she feels the same way that she doesn't get to see her daughter the 3 days a week that I have her.

I know she was crying during our conversation - either it was guilt or conflicting feelings. She was then downplaying the extent of her BF, but she still suggested I should date others - if nothing else then to build up my self esteem. She told me she does not want me wasting my life waiting for her.

I said that I am not. I said I know that you need time and space. I am sure you are enjoying your life - meeting someone new is usually quite exciting and can get caught up in the feelings with someone else... she downplayed it again and said it is not that different. But I said that I wouldn't feel right dating because I am in love with my wife. I know you don't want to hear it, so that is why I have stopped telling you on a regular basis, but I do want you to know... deep down it my heart I love you.

Surprisingly I am not too upset... I think because she truly knows how I feel, I was able to express myself - outside of the rollercoaster fo divorce. Even though she did not give me any indication of having hope... he fact that I could tell she was crying tells me that I tugged on some heart strings - maybe I brought her to a place where she is back to questioning her actions, when I am there wanting to love her the way she has always wanted it.

I guess the downside to this again is that she knows that I am waiting on the sidelines and she can have her fun and I will stil be waiting for her. Rather than having her have a doubt about how I am feeling, whether I have moved on or not, or questioning whether I have found someone better - she knows that I love her unconditionally.

I do not know If I have transgressed in the DB process - but somehow I feel better not hiding my true feelings.

I am sure it will hit me very soon - the reality of her having a boyfriend - and I will break down and start crying... But her admitting that the separation is hard on her too and that not having our daughter half of the time, her telling me she really cared about me and doesn't want to see me hurting, her downplaying the extent of the boyfriend - just gives me hope that all is not lost... and that time may heal our relationship.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 283
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 283
Singledad, that's a rough blow. If you feel good about how you handled the conversation, then that's good enough. I wouldnt say that you violated any DB priciples, sometimes things need to be said.
Dont let her think that you are on the sidelines, you ARE getting on with your life, just not in the dating aspect right now and there is no problem with that.

Hang in there, strength and honor


Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
Thanks Jesse for your support.

I know another forum will give me hell for not kicking her to the curb - now knowing the trust... and also showing her my love rather than my anger.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
SD....I think you are in for a lot of hurt and I disagree entirely with your approach. Forgive me if I have a bat today, but, you'll never win her back with that approach.

Quote:

but now I do see the light, and I know what life is like without you and without my family.

Oh...woe is me....
Quote:


I told her I understand why she had to do this, and I think it has been very beneficial, because now I see what it takes to be a great father, and I want to be a great husband if you just let me. I realize that it could take years to repair the damage, but I am willing to put in the work.

Wha? How do you understand that divorcing you and getting a boyfriend..and approving of it..is better than communication and counselling, honesty and fidelity? You just told her it was OK to have a boyfriend and sex while you hang out. ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Quote:

I know she was crying during our conversation - either it was guilt or conflicting feelings. She was then downplaying the extent of her BF, but she still suggested I should date others - if nothing else then to build up my self esteem. She told me she does not want me wasting my life waiting for her.


Are you listening or using listening skills? She is not conflicted..she doesn't want to hurt you, feels tremendous guilt over what she did and shows near total INDIFFERENCE at the PRESENT time. She said you need help on your self-esteem. Is this true? She just told you she is seeing someone, punched out of the M..and you're telling her it's OK...you love her..miss her....

Do you honestly think that will bring her back? If the guy she is seeing if tough, studly, hunky, etc...how do you compare to that? Do you think she feels you are in touch with your emotions from a woman's standpoint?

Quote:

she downplayed it again and said it is not that different. But I said that I wouldn't feel right dating because I am in love with my wife. I know you don't want to hear it, so that is why I have stopped telling you on a regular basis, but I do want you to know... deep down it my heart I love you.

SD....do you think she downplayed it because she just met a guy that stinks? Remember..about..the privacy...'don't come by here'? Or..did she not want to tell you to hurt your feelings...that she is on 'the high' again and having a great time.

SD...I am not going to quote anymore from above and I know you will not enjoy my posts from here on in, but, there is NO WAY that you will get her back this way...with this behavior....and the comments.

If one of the key principles would be to appear more attractive than OM...how did you fare with the above?

If pursuit,begging and groveling pushes them further away, how did you fare above?

There are OTHER MUCH BETTER APPROACHES to use..and still love your wife, want her back and be willing to forgive her if she wanted to come back.

I think you need to totally RETHINK things if you want a shot at this.

I care SD. I hope you see that above as such.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
Faith - I understand what I said and it was likely weak and backtracking.

I have tried to do the DB principles since the separation began.

Yet - The conversation we had last night was similar to the ones back when the divorce action was in process - and back then it was really doing damage.

I think the news of the BF admission caught me off guard and I saw my marriage further into the abyss - and then reacted desparately to save anything - but in a calm clear way.

On a better note - the conversation was not clingy or demanding or weak... It was really more my standing my ground and expressing my true feelings... they did not go to a deaf ear as they did months ago.

Also, rather then fight or get angry, I expressed my committment.

I plan to follow the DB principles the majority of the time... but sometimes I am only human and my heart takes over.

I think it put some conflicting thoughts in her head about the right direction rather than thinking she is doing the absolute right thing.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,910
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,910
SD,

Sorry about the situation you are going through. So many familiar parts to your story - I guess many of us can relate to so much of what you're dealing with.

There are no time frames on these things. You can put the twelve month calendar away and know that this thing will resolve when it resolves. The much bigger and more relevant issue will wind up being where you find YOURSELF as the months unfold.

Sorry to tell you that my now ex-wife had much the same conversation with me regarding her new boyfriend. She also encouraged me to do what I needed to do to be happy. In fact she told me that she wanted me to be happy.

I'm sure there was some guilt in her tears. There should be, shouldn't there? She has chosen to renounce her marital vows and destroy a family that includes a 2.5 year old child. I would expect many tears from that in a normal human being.

I'm glad that you've chose to stop pursuing her. Pursuing her at this point further alienates her, keeps things between the two of you tense, and deflates you when you do not get a positive reponse. It's like being rejected over and over again.

The one potentially winning strategy at this point revolves around you allowing yourself to move forward. It involves accepting that, for now at least, the marriage is for all intents and purposes over. You yourself said that you wished for the chance to start over. The point is you don't want the old marriage back anyway.

There were things in you that were not the way they should have been. This is the time to address those issues, rediscover your strength and establish a good life for you and your daughter.

As you begin to feel better about yourself, your confidence will grow. As your confidence grows, that will become evident in those brief interactions with your wife. And make no mistake, with a young child involved, there WILL be chances for interactions.

Meanwhile, prepare yourself to treat your wife with respect and kindness. Return the hurt she dispenses with loving compassion and understanding. Let her see the new man you are becoming.


One final note. I've never been a fan of the idea of telling a person that it's none of their business, especially when the issue is a small one. Detaching does NOT mean that you have to become a butt head. When your wife asked where the new items in your house came from, telling her that it wasn't really any of her business was not the response of a real man. Tell her where you got them, or just give her a generic response about picking them up somewhere along the way. Playing coy isn't getting her back.


Time to put on the big boy clothes and become a self-sufficient man. That's the kind of man who might possibly win back her attention.


Blessings,

Bill


"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
I am coming to the realization that my wife has had this boyfriend before the divorce - and is getting divorced because she wants to be with the boyfriend.

It has all been lies - and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. There are no techniques that can de used to end the affair. No techniques that can get my family back.

I am at a loss.

There is nothing I can do to save my marriage - my W actually says we are divorced and she is not my wife - yet we have a legal separation - not a divorce.

That means she is having an affair - and doesn't want the guilt.

So I just have to Get A Life - and forget about everything else.... I have been trying - but I can't

I am just pathetic...


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Page 5 of 15 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 14 15

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard