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[quote=JCJ]
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1. I could never understand the kind of love she needed (I do now, though not sure if any one could ever satisfy her wants)


Could you elaborate more on this. What are her wants? It may help you in the process of Real Giving which is something I have found quite useful in my sitch. It also might help identify behaviours that you can do more of, Michelle says to do what works rather than what doesn't. Have you found anything that has been successful in bringing out a positive reaction in your wife?




My W just wants to be understood, appreciated for who she is, what she wants... someone to be there for her... someone to really listen to her and understand what she wants. To be held, to have her know she is the most special person in the world to me...

All of those things are great and I wish I had them from her as well. i.e. recriprocal treatment... W is very emotional. She wants to be held and comforted. The problem is she wants things that she is not good at giving either. She can be very controlling and demanding.

W wants things we all want... but doesn't seem to realize that two people to be warm and loving and comforting to each other. She just expects that she can yell at me and tell me what to do and control me and then I should then come over and hold her.

That is she wants that loving feeling, regardless of what she says or does to me - to be loved for who she is. W doesn't seem to realize you can treat someone like crap and control them, and them still wanting to give her affection.

W doesn't see that she had a role in the demise of our marriage.

W only sees that she wasn't getting the kind of love and affection she wants...

I can't tell her that it takes two people without her getting angry.

Somehow - we just need to start over where both people are happy to be with each other and both can show each other the love that they want.

I just don't know how we can re-connect when we only talk on the phone for 30 seconds a day and have no access to see each other in person... She doesn't want to come to my house and I am not allowed at her house.

I'll have to come back to answer more questions... but I did have the bouquet of flowers delivered to her house today for our 4th Anniversary (I always bought flowers for this occassion - but usually it was a potted orchid).

I have to go now to pick up my daughter - but now that I am back from my few days in NYC - I can check up on my post.

Last edited by SingleDad; 08/20/08 09:05 PM.

Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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My wife and I went through the his needs her needs class six years ago, it was the best thing we ever did. The two to three years after that were the best in our whole marriage. If you can ever get your wife to attend with you, it may work wonders. I am trying to get my wife back to this class, only time will tell. Good luck to you.

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I truly want to meet my W's needs in a way that can reconcile our marriage. We have been speaking different love languages for so long - I do not know how to do it, especially now that she doesn't want my love. I have done so many things the wrong way.

I stated earlier that my W seems selfish and spoiled - and yes now she is fighting for herself. I do not know if that is due to her expectations or what not... But I do know that I was not meeting her needs. I think it was a downward spiral by both of us. The stresses of life overcame us. Both us us want to be loved, but neither of us are overly affectionate people... Yes I can be affectionate if someone is affectionate to me... but in the routine of life, being told what to do, etc. that affectionate feeling diminishes - and over time spirals out of control.

At this point I do not know what to do. My W is done with me and does not want any pressure from me to get back together, does not want me to work on our relationship, etc. So if now I do what she wants - let our relationship die - we are through. If I do the opposite - If I tell her I love her, that I've made mistakes, I want her, etc. it pushes her away.

I wish we could just start from scratch without any history, without any bad feelings... W just won't let me in.

"Meeting her needs, making her happy, and feeling understood." - That is all I want to do... yet the bridge is burnt and there is so little communication. She is so angry and withdrawn - she won't let me near.

Today is our 4th anniversary. I do not do this generally - but since it is our anniversary I felt it was important to break all of the rules and tell her "I wanted to wish you a Happy Anniversary. I love you. I have always loved you. But I loved you in my own way... which is not the way you wanted. I understand now. I just wish I was given the opportunity now to show you my love the way that you want it... I wish we could spend maybe a couple of hours a week together"

- I know this is contrary to what she is telling me - and most will tell me that yet again I am not listening to her. I agree - It is our anniversary - and I had to just tell her I love her.

Now I will go back to just listening to her and doing what she wants (not to the point of being a doormat) and trying to understand her - As Dr. Harley recommended to me.

It would be so much easier if my W was simply conflicted and needed to know I was listening and understanding her and satisfying her needs - then I could learn to follow steps. But now that she is withdrawn and angry and doesn't want my love (or claims she doesn't) it is so diffficult.

Deep inside though, I have to believe that she wants our family together - If I could just be the person she wants - A warm, affectionate, understanding person who really listens to her and satisfies her needs.

That is why I am trying so hard - or wanting to try so hard. She did love me for many years and I believe she can again if I could just listen to her and understand her. But I have to get through her hardened heart first.

Suggestions welcomed...


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Singledad,

Don't know if everyone else advised this yet, but you have got to quit with the pursuing her. No more flowers. No more lame excuses to talk to her. If you want any chance of getting her back it's going to have to be because you are such a catch...not because you chased and chased (actually "chased" is the correct term...you'll chase her away if you keep sending notes and flowers).

Counter-intuitively, just because you didn't show love to her in the way she wanted, doesn't mean that now you show her and tell her. She doesn't want to hear it. Everytime you consider doing those things, think to yourself "she won't see it as loving...she see me as pathetic" and you'll avoid some of those pitfalls.

So, what can you do? You can focus on being the best you that your capable of being. You can be friendly, if you talk, but keep it short. Listen if she wants to talk, but don't initiate conversation yourself unless it's something short and sweet, like "how are you doing?" In the meantime, focus on trying to get your own life in order as though it won't work out. I'm not saying it won't, but you do need to have a complete life of your own, even if your wife comes back. She'll choose to come back to a man that has his act together, is strong, confident, and respects the fact that she feels it's over (for now). Quit with the clingy stuff.


You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
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Yup - well I'm being pathetic... I've lost my marriage - my Wife is happy being single... And I get to see my daughter less than half of the time.

Anyone want to throw me a pity party ? - probably not... most here have been through it as well.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Quote:
Anyone want to throw me a pity party ?


I do. I know this is terrible. I just want you to have at least some chance of restoring your marriage...and you can't do it by chasing her. Who says she's happy being single?


You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
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Hi SingleDad

Quote:
My W just wants to be understood, appreciated for who she is, what she wants... someone to be there for her... someone to really listen to her and understand what she wants. To be held, to have her know she is the most special person in the world to me...

Excellent, you have got some good information there.

Quote:
All of those things are great and I wish I had them from her as well. i.e. recriprocal treatment... W is very emotional. She wants to be held and comforted. The problem is she wants things that she is not good at giving either. She can be very controlling and demanding.

W wants things we all want... but doesn't seem to realize that two people to be warm and loving and comforting to each other. She just expects that she can yell at me and tell me what to do and control me and then I should then come over and hold her.

That is she wants that loving feeling, regardless of what she says or does to me - to be loved for who she is. W doesn't seem to realize you can treat someone like crap and control them, and them still wanting to give her affection.

The general theme I get from this is that you don't want to give if you get nothing in return. I completely understand this but if you don't give, how can you expect anything in return? What I mean is that sometimes you just have to do things without expectations because you love someone. Once you truly give then I guarantee that you will receive a different reaction from the one you expect.

You know that your wife wants to be held and comforted. From my woman perspective I would say she is yelling at you etc to try and get you to hold her. This may seem controlling but once you go over to her and hug her I can 99% guarantee that everything will be ok. She will feel safe and reassured of your love - now wouldn't that be worth doing instead of feeling 'right'. Once she felt that you would then get your needs met by her, instead you both seem to be at a stand-off and she has felt so unloved that she has given up and walked away.

Please don't think that I am blaming you in any way. The above behaviour from your wife probably seems completely irrational and in all honesty it is but that is how things were, there is no reason, it just is. Once you give her the comfort she needs she will stop treating you, as you say like crap, and you will create a new positive cycle instead of the negative one. It just needs someone to act differently and you, armed with your new DBing knowledge, are in a good position to be that person.

Quote:
W doesn't see that she had a role in the demise of our marriage.

W only sees that she wasn't getting the kind of love and affection she wants...

Your wife is blinded by her feelings at the moment; she will also be feeling a lot of guilt, even if she is not expressing it. That is probably why she is having such a hard time facing you and why you are not having much contact. That is why the flowers and romantic gestures aren't helping, they are exacerbating her guilt. You really need to understand that even though I know it goes completely against the grain. If you read all the situations on this board, it was once people stopped pursuing that change started happening.

Quote:
Somehow - we just need to start over where both people are happy to be with each other and both can show each other the love that they want.

I just don't know how we can re-connect when we only talk on the phone for 30 seconds a day and have no access to see each other in person... She doesn't want to come to my house and I am not allowed at her house.

Right, you know the end point, now you need to start setting some goals to reach it. What is a typical 30 second conversation? Personally I would let things settle for a little while and have minimal contact (after the emotion of the anniversary) and then start looking at how you can present yourself in the most positive way.

Quote:
Meeting her needs, making her happy, and feeling understood."

This is a really good place to start with your goals. Can you break that down a little? Maybe list 3 of her needs, or write down how she would act if she was happy/ understood and more importantly how YOU would act if she was happy/ understood. Have you read how to 'act as if'? It is a really great tool.

For a while you need to accept that you are not going to get anything back. If you really want to get back with your wife that is just the way it has to be. You are going to have to give so much of yourself for very little in return, however your rewards will come to you in other forms which hopefully you will discover along the process.

I can't remember if you have read Divorce Remedy, it is a really good place to start.

I hope this is of some help, as we work on different time zones I may not always see your thread so feel free to give me a nudge over on mine.

(((SingleDad))) you are doing really well, keep going!


M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
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JCJ - yeah - I have to back off of it completely... the anniversary love talk etc just pushed her further away.

I need to cool it and just figure out how to "Get a Life" and move on for now...

I'll have keep interaction with W to a minimum - just keep it cordial and friendly.

I read Divorce Busters but not Divorce Remedy yet. I am almost wondering if my readings are making my think too much and want too much - which is just hurting myself. I have to back off giving and wanting too - that wasn't working... just work on myself I guess.

I do not know "Act as if" but I think I can guess.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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i answered something on you said on my thread..check it out. its pretty relevant


ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams

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Thanks Neil.

I know for sure now that I have been going about it the wrong way. somehow I had come to believe that my situation was different. Since she claims she is leaving me because I did not show her enough of my love - I thought If I did show her my love and tell her - that her love for me would come back - obviously though it just pushed her further away. I was doing it that way for several months.

Now that our 4th anniversary has passed as and I expressed my love - now I will back off and not do anymore of that needy stuff. Wasted 2.5 months of the separation trying to convince her to come back (plus several months before the separation started)... Now 9.5 mos left to work on myself and re-learn how to Get A Life - that's the hardest part because I want my family back - not my single life - but that's not how to approach it.

Had read DB months ago. Last night went to the bookstore and read DR mostly - DR is a great book - and took 6 pages of notes... Like it was written for me... I now have to be dedicated to the Last Resort Technique - its the only option I have left.

It's just so sad... I feel terrible for my Daughter and what my life has become in a failed marriage. Every thing I work for, now it seems I have so little left... feel like I am just scraping by... and going home to an empty house usually. I have to change my thought process somehow to think positively and find things I enjoy... GAL

Last edited by SingleDad; 08/26/08 05:05 PM.

Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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