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Originally Posted By: SingleDad
...Part of her lecturing me reminded me of why there are good aspects of being apart....
There ARE GOOD THINGS about being apart. More time apart lets the drama fade away.....


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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..and more time apart lets you breathe...and lets you get a chance to get away from the anger leveled at you.

Use this time to look inward and grow. Don't blame yourself. This is self-victimization. Remember SD..she was the one who made this decision, not you.

I wish to say one thing to you....man to man:

SD...if you can truly look back and recognize what your contributions were to this mess...and you are sorry for that and changing those things...then...FORGIVE YOURSELF, find peace and move forward.

We all make mistakes in life. Some forgive. Some get lost in anger and vindictiveness. I would rather live my life with the former.

Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made and become stronger knowing that you have the power to look inward, recognize this and become a better man because of it.

She can't...and that may NOT be the person you want to spend eternity with.

You are doing better, my friend. Stay the course. I have a 5 year old daugther. Don't forget this book:

What a Difference a Daddy Makes: The Indelible Imprint a Dad Leaves on His Daughter's Life

I got dirty looks because I let them stay up late..on a school night..to watch the Wizard of Oz with me. Quality time is what counts. Be in the moment for her. Don't talk against your W to her. Be supportive. Let your D know that you still love your W. Let her know that you will always be there for her. Let her know you would never hurt mommy EVER and at the most, "mommy and daddy are just sad right now but this has NOTHING to do with YOU."

Stay on the high road. We DO that as men.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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Hope you are OK. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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Hope this helps.....this is the book I've been talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8YSZdC_4Ek

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
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Nothing has changed in my life - except the recession.

Just logging in to say I'm still here. I've had to focus on keeping my job and serving clients... with this stock market turbulance, my hands are full.

We laid off 10% of our workforce and the rest of us have a 10% pay-cut to help reduce our losses - it was hard enough before.

Been working 13 hours a day and had to defer 4 days with my daughter.

Virtually no contact with my STBXW. She has called a couple of times asking what's going on with the stock market - I have basically not said anything to her... Not sure if she is calling me because I'm not calling her - or if she is worried about her money - or if she wants to look smart to her collegues... she has never before shown an interest in my work or the market or economy.

I'm not planning on checking back in here to much. Need to keep working... and frankly the idle time and actively thinking about the separation just depress me.

I'm not sure if you can consider me "Getting a Life"... but the my job with the stock market crash has been keeping me too busy to think about it.

The cost of paying off STBXW marital assets through maxing out my home equity loan, the stock market crash and now a 10% pay cut.... I do not know how I will manage to enjoy myself... I have budgeted $50 to $75 per week for all food, entertainment, and household supplies - less than a tank of gas.

I am advising that we will have a deep recesson lasting at least 2 years or longer - pay off any credit cards and reign in the spending.

This is my worst year ever - all around.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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..but you will survive. Many times I have decided to say goodbye, but, I find that support is the best thing to keep strong..and so...I still stay.

I hope you will stop back...and let us know how you are doing. We support you.
FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
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This morning, I got a confirmation that my W is sleeping with another man. She is sick and throwing up and asked me to come to her house and take my daughter to school as she is too sick to function. When I got there, I noticed fresh tire tracks backing out of the garage through a puddle.

The worst part is she is sleeping with him while she has my daughter.

I told my W that "I can't believe you are sleeping with someone while you have our daughter. That is not right. I hope someday you realize what a huge mistake you are making. You left a husband who loves you, breaking up a family, and sacrificing our daughter in the process."

I am obviously upset... But not crying yet... I expect that I will be soon. Just shocked... Now I do believe again that my W was at least having an EA to break up our marriage.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Speak to an attorney. You are still married and this is wrong for your daughter. A boundary has been crossed. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
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Posts: 365
Faith - I agree that a line has been crossed - and I think my W knows that as well. But getting an attorney involved will do nothing... I have learned that having an affair changes nothing legally in NY - (unless they are promiscuous in front of her).

It would just provoke the devil in her anyway. I'm sitting back and taking it as calmly as I can.

I will try to show that the BF is not a shock to me... I was even on the thought of trying to date again. I am sad and lonely just living alone...thinking about how selfish her actions are.

I read Scotman's thread and it seems we are in similar situations... somehow he has been able to build a communicative relationship with his W which includes "family time" (despite a BF). That is something I was longing to get toward - and really the only way for there to be hope.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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SD...one thing is for sure. Whether she is with another man or not...you still have a daughter between the two of you and lines of communication must always be kept open. Anyting I have read says it is unhealthy for OP's to be introduced to a child at this point.

If you are not going to contact an L, I assume that either you still have hope for reconciliation...or fear..or...????

Do you see her coming back to you?
Could you ever get over what happened and have trust again?

A few days ago, my W asked me to pick up our son from school. She was sick. Last Saturday, she stayed out to past midnite. I believe probable OM.

Keep your feet based mostly in reality. Do you remember the fable of the Emperor's New Clothes?

Stay tough. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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