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#1575276 - 08/29/08 07:56 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: mountainman]
mountainman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/08
Posts: 283
Also, you have the next couple of days free right, other than some stuff around the house? I would go to the gym tomorrow, even if its just for 30 minutes. Get out there, doing it the first time is the hardest when trying something new.

Also, i hope you are reading something else besides self-help, doing that will only keep you focused on the sitch and I think you need a break from that right now. flip through a fitness magazine or something (mens health is my favorite). This will really help to break up the obsession. I hate the obsession, I cant work, dont eat, give myself a headache and just wind up depressed. Finding a way to let it go will save your life.
_________________________
Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread

Top
#1576266 - 08/30/08 09:34 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: mountainman]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Jesse - Haven't actually done much else yet besides reading, housework and exercise. The Gym would be more of a weeknight.

I did ask today about cooking classes at my local supergrocery store. They do have structured group classes they put out fliers at the store - like grilling, soups, etc. But they also have personal one on one training with the chef - You just schedule and appointment and decide whatever recipes you want and for $35 you get 3 hours of the chef's instruction including the food that was prepared to take home (seems like the food itself your cost that much... the chef is paid by the store - they provide the instuction as a goodwill customer service they offer... I think I'll have to take them up on it - I jsut have to think of what I'd like instruction on cooking...
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1576271 - 08/30/08 09:51 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: SingleDad]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
I thought I post some history of our relationship issues leading up to the divorce / separation.

W's views
1. Our sex life diminished to nothing after our Daughter
2. I didn't give her the love she needed.
3. I didn't listen to her, thus didn't respect her.

My views:
1. sex life true - W was depressed and exhausted and I was was stressed out and frustrated
2. Loss of love - true, I was feeling that way for awhile - W was 'never' satisfied with my time and quality of time and the way I did things with my daughter first, then have quality time with my W. I was feeling controlled and unappreciated and had enough of feeling like I was her servant - W never showing appreication
3. I heard her - but I wasn't understanding and empathizing - thus not "listening" - I was busy trying to make suggestions to fix her issues rather than listening... It got to be that listening to me meant that she was dictating one way to me to tell me what I had to do for her and I had to just sit back and take it.

We grew apart over the last year.

Now that I see things for what they were and what they will be, I realized that I made plenty of mistakes myself. I wasn't being a good of a husband as I could be and frankly I do not think she was being as good of a wife as she could be. I was on auto-pilot and was at a loss to know what I could do to fix things, didn't know what I could do to make her happy... She was never happy with the things I did.

Any chore that needed to be done I did, my money went for anything big furniture, remodeling and utilities and RE taxes in the house (hers was mostly her own play money). I was the pure old fashoned provider...

But I was not satisfying her emotional needs - she told me I wasn't many times - but never told me what that meant or action steps on how I could do better for her... I am an action and goal oriented person... she is an emotional spiritual person... She couldn't tell me what I needed to do... she left it for me to figure out...

Got to the point where I couldn't figure it out. Secondly, I was getting so frustrated at her Hitler control over our daughter - "Boot camp" with constant "do you want a time out" and ridgid schedule... where I guess I am less controlling of my daughter (until I reach my limit).


Seemed like there were so many issues at the time... Now I realize all of the things I was overlooking... That her methods have their advantages... and I'd be happier trying to adapt to her parenting methods and would be able to make her happy - would be much better off together than the break-up of the family.

I think my W would need to change as well - allow me to have more say in raising our daughter. Be less ridgid. Be loving and affectionate toward me as well.

If we could both loosen up a bit and realize neither of us will do things exactly the way the other wants - but the end result is the same, we would have a chance.

Problem is that W has given up - she's had it - its over. She believes that she did everything she could. She believes she is right in every way and did nothing wrong - and it is my fault for not meeting her emotional, physical and spiritual needs - and that I am incapable of changing. I am not the right man for her...

We dated for 3.5 years before we got married - and another year before we tried to have a child. Our relationship didn't change much from how we were at the beginning... Maybe just got more complex and challenging. If I wasn't the right man for her couldn't she have figured that our before we got married then before we had a child ?

I think a very big part of it is that she expected life to be wonderful after we had a child - we'd be the picture perfect parents and our child would be easy. We'll life isn't that easy. I think she was overwhelmed with our daughter - and as much as I did to help, it wasn't enough or the right way... She felt that now she couldn't handle our daughter and me and the dogs and her job at the same time... i think she is happy that 3 days a week, she can unload the responsibility of our daughter to me so she can unwind.

i do not know if is was depression, post-partum or whatever... we both worked, she would beat me home by 45 minutes (shorted hours and shorter drive) to make dinner, then I'd come home, eat dinner and play with daughter, do the dishes and read to daughter. W would be falling asleep at 7 pm before D was even in bed.

We had an argument one night. W wanted me to move my weight set in the basement so she could make a third playroom of for daughter (one on each floor. I didn't want to move it... later I measured it - and found no other place it could be moved to. W kept nagging. In a huff, I started to take the weight set apart. W argued with me to stop... I yelled out "what is the purpose of my life !!!" Meaning I am not allowed to do anything myself and have to follow orders at work and at home and never can do anything I want. It was about 11 pm - I struggled to have my W let go of me and stormed out of the house and left in the car. After about an hour driving around - I realized I needed to sleep somewhere - I went to my mom's house, never telling my W where I was until about noon the next day.

When I did call, my W thought that what I had said instead was a threatened suicide and said she was upset all night and way trying to contact me... (though there were no calls on my cell phone, she did not call my mother or contact the police.) btw - She used this as one of the causes for divorce action. She also wanted me to go for counceling - I did go to the person she found for me - and also used that I need psychiatric help as a cause for divorce. I admittedly was distraught and depressed over our marriage - but wouldn't kill myself over it. (as a background my father did commit suicide from his depression and alcoholism) My W did attempt suicide when she was 15... and I think the fear over having do deal with anything like that again that was too much for her.

That's my story.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1576480 - 08/31/08 03:55 AM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: SingleDad]
Ready2Change Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/08
Posts: 3962
Loc: Colorado
So why do we all have to learn this crap on our own???

I guess it is how we mature as people.....
_________________________
"What is best for my kids is best for me"

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#1578145 - 09/02/08 02:39 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: Ready2Change]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
I had a fun time with my D2.5 at the Labor Day Fair on Monday after not seeing her for a week. Now I do not see her again until Friday night - this sucks !!!

I was upstairs when W dropped off my D. on Monday. W didn't leave immediately as she usually does. I offered her a beverage. She declined, but sat down and was petting her dogs. Then wanted to pluck the hair our of the dog's ears to prevent ear infection - I said sure. I was dancing with my D2.5. I offered if W wanted some of D's clothes and she took them. W kept mentioning the new stuff I had picked up - "oh, did you get that at a garage sale." After a few times I said "don't worry about where I got it". Her response was "Oh from your girlfriend... It's ok if you are dating". I did not respond after a couple times questioning. (p.s. I have not gone on a single date).

It is nice that my W did hang around for a good 30 minutes - rather than avoid me completely... and I remained friendly the whole time and played with my D.

Is W asking about whether I am dating a positive thing ?

W called later about some community swim lessons for D - said maybe we could do it (together or alternating depending on our scheduled day) - I'm not sure which she meant. Said we could talk about it later.

I am getting tired of this being a part-time parent 3 days a week, it's not what I wanted when I started a family - I would much rather want to be full-time parent. I think my W actually prefers it, because it gives her 3 days off every week - I was hoping that she would feel the same way as me and would give her reason to want to work things out - I guess not.

I have thought about trying dating through match.com... some nice prospects locally... just not sure I'm ready... as I do want my W and family back... yet W has never made any jestures of getting together, except maybe through parenting. It is lonely and too quiet when I do not have D.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1578157 - 09/02/08 02:44 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: SingleDad]
mountainman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/08
Posts: 283
Hey singledad, sounds like you had a good time weekend.

As far as your wife bringing up dating, did you respond? did you tell her you are not dating? If not, I would. Now dont tell her its because you love and miss her, that would be chasing, but be honest with her. Also, dont worry about whether it is a positive thing or not, just take it for what it is.

What did you do for YOU this weekend?

Also, as far as being a part time parent 3 days a week, you REALLY need to look at the positive side here, at least you get to see her that often. Many divorced/seperated fathers only get the every other weekend thing. Be thankful for what you are getting.
_________________________
Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread

Top
#1578174 - 09/02/08 02:58 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: mountainman]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
Yeah - I know, as far as divorces go, my terms are quite good.

I did not tell her I was not dating - just no response. W in the past has not told me whether she is dating or not. I was kind of just thinking those are discussions which should be avoided. I almost think it would be better for her to wonder about it, rather than thinking I am just sitting around home or waiting for her to return.

I really didn't do much for me me me this weekend. Sat blacktopped the driveway, did laundry, washed the trunkload of chothes I bought for D at garage sales. Sun I went to church, organized D's closet, organized the paperwork in my office which had built up since Feb. when this whole thing started (something I have been wanting to do as the mess was driving me crazy.)

I did bump into my friend at the fair and hung-out and watched the parade together and had lunch and ice cream - that was a nice plus to the day.

Not sure what I am doing this week - likely watching the GOP convention.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
#1578184 - 09/02/08 03:05 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: SingleDad]
mountainman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/08
Posts: 283
Sounds to me like you did do some stuff for you. Keep it up, keep busy, and when you are ready, try venturing into something new. Keep doing what feels good, what gives you a feeling of accomplishment, even if it doesnt seem to others like fun.

Try making some goals for yourself this week. Maybe, try going to that gym you have a membership for.
_________________________
Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread

Top
#1578293 - 09/02/08 04:57 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: mountainman]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4035
Loc: NY
SingleDad..go back to mulesqb's last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1549603&page=0&fpart=8

Read my posts..particularly page 8. Perhaps I can help. I live in NY.

FIB
_________________________
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1578339 - 09/02/08 05:39 PM Re: How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ? [Re: faithisbelieving]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
W just called asking me to help her invest the money I gave her from our marital settlement - wants to invest it as an emergency fund. Also said I'll get the tax benefit of her buying her house (as we will file a joint return in 2008). Apparently she closed on her house, probably today, and has some cash left over from the cash I gave her from our marriage settlement.

Wow - talk about being in a rough spot - helping her invest "my former" money for her long term goals !!!!

I helped her and then thanked her for hanging out yesterday - that I enjoyed spending some time with her.

She was appreciative...

I think I have taken some great strides... without this forum and the books - I would have told her to F_ck herself.

But I'll tell you, helping her live her own independent life (while depending on me of sorts) is a very challenging thing to do - when all I want is my family back together - and I can't even tell her that.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


Top
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