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Hi SD~
Just thought since you were nice enough to stop by and post in my thread, I'd do the same. I see a lot of similarities in our situations.
This is me, to a "T":

Originally Posted By: SingleDad
I wish we could just start from scratch without any history, without any bad feelings...


I know that reality doesn't work that way, but you express a lot of the same wants and needs that I have. So hard.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you...wish I did. I'd be the first to follow them.
Anyway...just wanted you to know that I appreciated you stopping by, and that I really do feel your pain. At least we know we're not alone. I think that's what made me feel hopeful for the first time since the bomb here. Just knowing that this was almost scripted and there were others that made it through.

Take care.
(((((SingleDad)))))


Lacey
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Thanks for your support Lacey.

I am trying to Get a Life, but it is a challenge. I think so much about missing my daughter. My W has D2 all week as her brother's family is in town. I will not see D2 until Labor Day. 2 days down 5 to go - this is so hard. I do not want this broken up family - but now I'm learned that I can't discuss it with W during separation.

I call each night to say goodnight to D2 on W's cell (only way). W says Hi, no more than 5 seconds and passes the phone to D2 - talk with D2 for generally a minute and that's it until the next night. Easier when I have D2 3 overnights per week - this week long vacation with no seeing D is so hard.

Bookstore Mon night, Run Tues night - then read books and watch Democratic convention - nice distraction.

Neighbor is going through divorce as well with 3 young kids, her H has GF and her H is hiding money destroyed credit etc - we commisurate occassionally - her divorce is miserable compared to mine. She has mentioned dating several times - but I do not want to get tangled in that web.

Hard to simply Get a Life, when I keep thinking about the past and wanting family back. I keep hoping my W sees that I am a much better loving father - I am happy about one thing this situation has opened my eyes to what was going wrong and I am a much better father... and could be a much better husband if she just let me - I am hoping for simply a chance to be friends, and then who knows... She is not letting even that happen yet.

So many threads on this site - I want to read more of them - but so hard to stay current on people's situations... Does seem that there are a number of reconciliations... Seems the DR does help.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Testing...Trying to add current thread to my signature - I think I did it, but how I change the title to "Current Thread" from the http address ?


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Posts: 365
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I call daily to say goodnight to D when W has her. W limits talk to 5 seconds, then talk to D for 1 minute or 2. Very limited as D is 2.5. Last night got voicemail and asked to call me if you can. W did call. At the end of call I said "thank you" W said "you are welcome" - at least it was friendly.

It wasn't too long ago that W would call me everyday even if it was over legal issues or yell at me - like she was dependent on talking with me. Now seems like she dropped that need - now that she is completely free of me.

So hard to do this - won't see D until Labor Day - praying for the day when the three of us can spend time together as a parents to our D even if only an hour. I have told myself that this process could take years to have a chance (for her anger to go away, start a friendship and try to build)... but each day alone is so hard.

Keep questioning how did I lose my family so quickly...


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Another day... Yesterday - went to pre-garage sale and picked up more clothes for D. Doing a lot of that this summer to save money over next few years. D wears 3T, I have lots of 4t and 5 (including tons of name brands like Gymboree, Carter, Gap), now focusing on 6 and up... washing everything and putting in bins for each size all the way up to 10-12. Is that crazy ? Just thinking if I can buy clothes for 50 cents or $1 each, instead of $15-$20 each I will save a ton of money... Spent about $500 this summer - at 10 cents to a dollar - maybe $5,000 or more worth of clothes and toys this summer if retail.

Didn't get home until 8 pm - and missed my daily call to D. Mom brought over Pizza and wings and we watched Obama.

Cried in shower this morning over not seeing D.

Lots to do this weekend - mow, change car oil, tar driveway, groceries, church, mom's to do laundry (W took washer and dryer), pay bills, organize D's clothes and paperwork. Should be good distraction.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Singledad, just read up on your sitch and I have a few thoughts. Please dont be offended by anything I say, these are just my thoughts and lord knows I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life. I just hate to see you so miserable, so this is meant to be a pep talk and maybe some ideas about how you can find YOUR happiness.

One of the things I realized I had been guilty of is relying on my wifes happiness to replace my own, does this ring true to your sitch? When she disconnected from me and asked for a sep, I was devastated because i was disconnected from her love tank. It took me awhile, but I discovered that my OWN happiness tank was running low. Then i started to do things that make ME happy. I was fishing more, spending more time at the firehouse, playing poker with friends. Not only was it a distraction, but it made deposits into my own happiness tank. It is still far from full and I have rough days, but now I look forward to these fun activities. How full is your happiness tank? Have you made any desposits lately?

I have found that my wife has been asking me about these changes, she's even given me crap about some of them, but I don't care, they make me happy. And the fact that she is asking about them and expressing concern (albiet anger) I take as a sign that maybe she still cares a little. Now you have to be careful not to take these little signs too far and start obsessing again (i recently fell into this trap) but they help keep you on an even keel.

dont worry about how you will let W know that you are doing these things. It will come up eventually.

Your to do list this weekends sounds like you are trying to keep yourself busy and distracted. This is god but, buddy, you've got to go have some fun! Go out to dinner or a bar with some buddies, you might accidentally have some fun!!

It sounds to me that you are obsessing over the sitch 24x7 and have brain-lock. I am guilty of this, as are most others on this board, BUT there are ways to deal with it and break the obession, or at least break it into managable chuncks.

the reality here singledad is that you need to face the possibility that things may not go the way that you planned them. if they do, how are you going to get on with your life if you are still mired in the misery? My therapist once asked me 'whats the worst case scenario?' I thought about this, played it out in my head.....and accepted it. I would suggest that you work on truly accepting BOTH possibilites of the direction your life may take, in your heard and mind. this will be the start of moving on. I posted a long analogy on Coach's thread about how the threads of love will keep you connected, even if you drift away. But you have to stop concentrating on that thread or you will miss all of the other beautiful things around you. Like your D. Be a better man for her. make positive changes in YOU and find a way to be happy for YOU and for her. Let her be your motivation to get yourself on track, not the thought that someday, somehow you will get your wife back.

You also keep saying you have x amount of time left to save your marriage. Brother, I say you have even less time to save yourself. You need to save yourself before you can save your M.

I have heard others say that DB and some of its principles like GAL may not have saved their marriage, but it did save their lives.

Remember that.

Strength and honor


Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread
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Jesse - I hear everything that you are saying... I am doing as best I can to Get a Life and learn how to have fun on my own.

I guess my issue is me... I guess I don't know how to really have fun on my own. I know how to do things I enjoy - but fun is not really something I have ever learned how to do on my own. Things that most people consider fun - I would be not enjoy doing on my own - always self conscious about being alone. The years before I was with my W - I usually felt like a third wheel.

I am comfortable with myself when I do individual activities like run, shopping, swim, yardwork or housework, reading - so I have spending my time doing those "distracting" things. But things like out to dinner, movies, entertainment, bars - things that many people do with others - I always feel much worse doing alone. Just as when I was together with my W, all of my friends are married with kids, and have their own lifes - then again I feel like a third wheel. I do however, feel much more comfortable doing fun things with my daughter.

So how do I learn to get past my insecurities ?


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

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Dad, Good for you that you are trying!! You are doing the right thing for you and what many believe will be the right thing for your R with your W (including me)
Some of things you are doing like running, swimming etc. are GREAT ways to have fun, excercise can be fun! and you feel great afterward, so keep doing those things, especially if they work for you.

You talk about feeling like a 3rd wheel, do you think this might be one of the things that bothered your W? If so, then it's a great opp to do a 180. 180's are hard, but sometimes pay off very big.

As far as doing things with others and addressing your feelings of lonliness, I can make a couple of suggestions, but these are just suggestions.
1. you might want to try individual counseling, sometimes its nice to just have someone to talk to.
2. I understand you don't like doing some things alone, so maybe go out and try to make some friends. If this is not easy for you, which is very normal, try joining a club of some kind, or maybe even taking a class, you might meet some folks there with similar interests, just like you have made friends on this board.

Here's another idea, I enjoy reading very much as well. So instead of reading in your big lonely house, try going to the library to read, or even better, a coffee shop or bookstore like borders that has a coffee shop there. Sometimes just being around people can help you feel less lonely. I get how in a bar or at dinner, most people are not alone and that can make someone who IS alone feel LONLIER (I wouldnt want to do this either!). But a place like a bookstore or library are full of poeple there by themselves, you'll fit right in!

If you like doing yard work, try volunteering for a local church or school or something. it will get you out of the house, meet new people and do something that you enjoy without any pressure, you can do as little or as much as you'd like. plus it might help you feel good to help others.

Try some different things and see how they work for you. if it helps, keep doing it, if it doesn't, try something else. This advice, btw, goes for both how to get yourself through this, as well as what you should be doing about your M. It sounds like what you are doing now is not helping, so you might want to think about trying something else. It sounds like you are thinking about it if you are here asking for help.

Strength and honor brother

((((HIGH FIVE!))))


Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 365
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jesse - all good thoughts

I was not a 3rd wheel with W - that was when I was single with married friends... now that I'm separated, I'll feel like a 3rd wheel again.

Good thoughts -

I have been paying for a gym membership for 7 years - but could never go when I was with W - I have been planning to go again - I just need to get a lock... also hadn't gone as I have a bike path behind my house and weights in my house.

I did go to bookstore to read on Monday - it's getting to expensive to keep buying self-help books - so I'll go to booksote and library more to read... way never much of a reader until now.

I've thought about taking cooking lessons - more basic recipies but just to get ideas on things to make - I have to look into that more.


Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 283
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Do you feel better when you are thinking about these other things that you can do? Does it help to start to break up the 24x7 obsession that you are stuck in?

If so, then GREAT, and keep doing it because it's working.

Last edited by jessethewolf; 08/29/08 07:50 PM.

Married 6 years
D4
D4
S2
seperated: 7/15/08
Dbomb: 9/21/08
status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D
current thread
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