I am a WAW. I left Husband of many years, together many before we married. We have 2 kids, both teen-agers. After 8 months of counseling, both Individual and Marriage, his job, he is a work-aholic- continued to have priority over counseling appointments, in addition his verbal abuse and anger, which he exhibited for years was becoming worse. He was also taking physical actions to prevent me from leaving rooms when we would argue. Those things in combination were the proverbial last straw and I moved out in the summer of 2007.
I have been working a full-time job that is mentally demanding, yet flexible in its hours, and pursuing a graduate degree for the past 6 years. He is a part-owner & operator of a multi-generational family-owned business. His typical work-week is 70-80 hours, with more during certain high stress times of the year.
I continued in my counseling working on family of origin issues: perfectionism, self-esteem issues, passive-aggressive, self-silencing. His initial counselor referred him to an anger specialist, to whom he went 3 times between when I left & Halloween. He has not been back.
Upon the initial separation he seemed to be doing some DB techniques- "acting as if", "being my friend", but these were from articles our MC gave us initially during counseling. But he was also doing lots of non-DB things- calling at all times of the day & night, alternating between love & hate talk, making promises, then threats, etc.
One comittment we made to each other was to try and maintain a friendship. That has been the one thing that seemed to have kept both of us in contact outside of being parents.
I came to this site after I googled "while your spouse decides", the title of the article our MC gave us. I lurked because I felt like it gave me a glimpse into what I thought he might use a "playbook" to get me back. I stayed because I found that WAW/H voices need to be heard on this forum and it helps me see another perspective from others I don't find as threatening as my H and well as the incredible support from my VR team for the efforts I am making to be the best me I can be, either in or out of a marriage, something that has been lacking in my real-time life, from my real-time friends.
Currently, 13 months later, we are just finishing couple's communication counseling. My current philosophy is: it is almost impossible for us to tackle the major issues of the R without more effective communications tools. Without tackling the major issues of the R. there can be no M for me and it will continue to be a "friendship" R. If we can tackle the issues of the R, then work on rebuilding a new R for a new M.
yep, about 2 weeks left of 'freedom'...LOL.. i'm coaching again this year, but really am not into it....bone of contention on my M....but now i need the cash, so i can't pass it up.
organizing, etc....ugh. not thinking about it quite yet...i have 2 inservice days prior to students, so i'll probably do that stuff then.
hope your year gets off to a rousing start...LOL....
thanks for stopping by on my thread!
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
The year should be a cake walk for classes as I have taught them all several times. I am trying to finish my graduate degree thesis this year too, so that has the priority in terms of 'academics' for me this year.
I am very tired this monring as H called two times between 3:45 & 5am this morning. He is very down on himself as he seems to be coming out of couseling the past few times. He said 'his life sucks' and 'he needs to get a life' and that 'i took his life away by leaving'.
I was so tempted to tell him about this website or to have him read DB/DR. but the issues I think he has are not going to be 'fixed' by that. But who am I to say what those issues are to him.. they may not even be issues to him.
And so I spin my wheels,looking for some traction, watching & waiting. Trying the things the counselor gave me for tools, working on my self-esteem & control issues. Trying to be a better me that I like, doing things I like, with people I like and that like me.
I think I'm sounding pretty incoherent this morning.. sorry for rambling.
Peace Bridge
Last edited by Bridgestone; 08/22/0803:19 PM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
He does need to GAL. He can't rely on you to be his life for him.
Unfortunately most of the good advice books I've got, other than DR, have to do with affairs. You probably don't want to suggest one of those.
What about Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue - would that be appropriate for him to read and think about? That was the first book I read and I spent a lot of time with it before I got DR. It doesn't focus on GAL so much, but it does have a lot of exercises for the individual to do.
Hi lodo thanks for stopping by. I know I went through that book when it first came out years ago... asked him to look at it, won't go into his reaction to that reuest.
I think it may still be at his house. I'll be up ther e this weekend to help S pack up his room there & will check. I can't remember what it was exactly.
Not sure how to approach him about recommending an 'self-help' book. He has been open to marriage books (especially stuff by Chapman).. he also like Steve Covey.
However, it's like me saying I know what's best for you. Soemthing he says I do too much of...trying to 'teach him'. He complains that he's not one of my students...so it's a fine line to walk.
And I know I'm too tired & mentally exhausted to do that today. but thanks for the suggestions, please keep them coming.
Bridge
PS: how the BM costume & acquisition of other necessary items coming along??
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I definitely hear you re: book. I have 2 copies because I never gave one to W. And that was when I still thought she was interested in working on M!
Costuming is coming along and quite fun, though I've been too embarrassed to try out some stuff! I ordered a leopard-print satin kimono that should arrive today (I hope!). I also have a leopard-print long sheer scarf with long beaded tassles at the ends (gotta watch out with this one - don't want to do an Isadora Duncan on my bike). Have my wildland fire-fighting boots. Couple of skirts & sarongs, as well as some basic shorts. A blousy white mexican shirt. A kaffiyeh. Couple of wide-brimmed hats that I need to decorate. And a light-blue shirt covered with very large daisies. Was hoping to find a good necklace and maybe some bracelets, but so far no luck.
Will have to do a big shop tomorrow for all the basics, like food, extra water containers, etc.
Goodwill type stores were always a good place for finding the 'decorative' costuming I have done in the past, including the outrageous jewelry. Although I'm not sure I've done this level of 'outrageous'.
Am leaving S18 to finish(??) his room and headed to a friends house this afternoon to vent and GAL. I need distraction.
I have had a powernap, but not sure I"m feeling any better. Hopefully some 'revive' snapple water will help that.
Later Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Sorry you are having such a rough time today. I hope your visit to your friends house cheers you up. Get a good nights sleep tonight, tomorrow is another day and it will get better for you.
I would not suggest anymore books to help your H. It is up to him to discover what will make him happy. You leaving did not make him miserable he is doing all that by himself. Don't let him control how you feel or make you feel guilty.
It is like telling and alcoholic he is one. Until he discovers how to make himself happy nobody not even you moving back in with him will ever do that. Take it from someone who woke up and figure out he was the problem and not his W. Keep doing your own thing its the best you can do at this point.
Cheers and tread lightly at your H house this weekend.
